Leave It To Lamas: Hollywood Royalty (?)

I have a confession to make – I find Lorenzo Lamas to be hot as hell. When I see him in his leather vest with nothing underneath, long flowing hair and porno mustache, I know it’s tragic, but I can’t look away. So I see Leave It Lamas an opportunity to watch Lorenzo. This means we also have to watch his dopey daughter, formaldehyde dipped ex-wife and two other kids, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay.

We meet our first of the Lamas at a newsstand, and it’s Lorenzo’s super blonde daughter Shayne. She’s there for her morning ritual of the Financial Times and an espresso. Or a pre-scheduled gander at a tabloid magazine article about the Lamaii that ever so coincidentally manages to have come out on the exact first day of shooting! Crazy how this stuff works out.

So, the reason for the magazine article, which in another “coincidence” also happened to be the reason I wanted to write about this nonsense in the first place (besides Lorenzo and his leather vest), is that Lorenzo’s son AJ allegedly had sex with Lorenzo’s ex-wife! While she was still his wife? Less than a minute in and we’ve got incestuous scandal. This show is already bordering on genius.

And….Emmy.

Our heroine Shayne spends about ten seconds fretting over the effect of the article on her family, and then notices that she’s in the article too. “How cute are those shoes?” she squeals, family crisis be dammed. Normally, I’d support this change in conversational direction, but it looks like Shayne’s taste in shoes lean more toward the clear, Lucite stripper shoes from the outlet stores and I’m just not feeling that. Well, not in public, at least.

And that leads us into the intro. First we get acquainted with Shanye. We see her tripping and falling on her face about five times. Then we see her on The Bachelor (Honey G, we have a crossover recap!), and then we find out that’s she’s happy that one didn’t last. Well, of course. Everyone knows there’s a much bigger market for Z-list Hollywood family fake reality than Bachelor fake reality. As long as E!’s still in business, anyway.

Oh, and now Shayne’s a ” Hollywood actress”, which she takes very, very seriously. Hence the reality show. She also informs us she’s ” Hollywood royalty”. Ummm…no. Just because your family set up shop in the city two generations ago doesn’t make you fucking royalty, okay? I’d go with Hollywood cockroach. Further proven by a glimpse of Lorenzo’s latest work, where he valiantly fights a killer octopus in some very un-seaworthy leather and the porn mustache. Royalty indeed, and this coming from someone who most closely resembles a fan.

Which one did Lorenzo play?

Although, we do find out that Lorenzo’s Mom (Shayne’s Grandma) was married six times, which is an impressive bit of Hollywood street cred. And Lorenzo’s not too far behind with four wives! We meet one of them, Shayne’s Mom – Michelle Smith. All I can say about Mom is she’s had a lot of plastic surgery. A scary amount of a lot. Then we meet the tagalong siblings, Incestuous AJ and little Dakota.

Is it too late for social services to come take Shayne away?

Intros out of the way, we catch back up with Shayne on her way down some stairs, and homegirl needs to get it in her contract that she must never be filmed from this angle again. Her thighs are enormous. Actually, this is something I can already tell you that I like about Shayne, she’s no waif. Which of course I applaud by making fun of her thighs, which makes me officially an asshole. Cause believe me, anyone who stuck a camera under me while I was walking down stairs would be the unfortunate recipient of a stray shoe that would be mysteriously flung off my foot and lodged in their larynx. But enough about me because Shayne’s on her way to meet Lorenzo and talk to him about the tabloid. Our first Lorenzo scene! I can barely contain myself.

But before we get the man candy, we get a little background in the car ride over. The ex-wife in question is the very classy Shauna Sand. No idea? Get educated (and fascinated – seriously, it’s can’t miss trashy) here . Shayne and her pals make fun of Shauna’s makeup a little bit, and then it’s time for Lorenzo!

But wait. Something doesn’t look right. Lorenzo’s pacing around a coffee shop having a very intense phone call about some test results. “Are you sure, doctor?” he asks all soap-opera seriously. There’s talk of more tests. And treatment. And a very seriously concerned, “What does that mean?” OH MY GOD IS LORENZO LAMAS DYING? I’m totally freaking out. What’s wrong with Lorenzo?

Besides this, obviously.

“Oh. My. Gosh.” he finally spits out to Shayne as he dramatically clicks off his phone headset. “My new kitty has worms.” Wow! Can that guy do a dramatic buildup or what? He may not be royalty, but damn, Lorenzo’s a pro! Shayne owes her Dad a big thank you, cause I read that this show wasn’t a deal without him. And he totally brought his A-game. And his porn mustache. He is so fabulous.

“How do you like my new jacket?” she asks him, modeling a purple sequined thing. “It’s very reflective,” he deadpans. Wait, is he funny? Who saw that twist coming? Anyway, Lorenzo kind of seems like he has better stuff to do than this staged scene in a coffee shop, so he cuts to the chase, tells Shayne he knows she’s here about the magazine article and then launches in to Fame Is Tough Stock Speech #211b. This is the reality of our business…when you’re successful and in the public eye…poor, desperate Shayne’s eye’s start glazing over, as she starts planning which glittered pleather shoes she wants to be photographed in the next time she sells out her family for a reality TV deal.

But she does want to make one thing clear – “They say that the affair broke up your marriage and that’s ridiculous!” she sputters. “Well, Shayne…” says patient Dad Lorenzo, “Where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire.” Wow again! So it’s true? Well, I guess they weren’t blood related or anything, but still. Pretty creepy.

And then we get to meet baby Lorenzo, who’s making yet another Lamas fashion statement. In an all the way buttoned up flannel and horn rimmed glasses. Cholo chic meets Revenge of the Nerds? Or, hey, I’m going to be on TV – let me dress as stupidly as possible so people will think I’m cool and offbeat? You decide.

Stop struggling so hard to be a nerd and just accept that hotness is in your blood!

We also get acquainted with Shayne and AJ’s Mom, Michelle Smith. She’s very stretched and possibly constructed of Latex. And she’s going through menopause, and wants to talk about it. Okay, Michelle. I understand that you had to cook up a little storyline for yourself, but was this really the best you could come up with? Should have gotten Lorenzo involved. He loved you once – I’m sure he would have concocted a better story for you. Look what he did with a kitty with worms. That material didn’t exactly write itself you know.

So, that was pretty much pointless – let’s go with Shayne, her friend and little sis Dakota to get their nails done. They have a big wheel with like a million nail polish colors. Heaven! And then Shayne tells us they serve alcohol there! Heaven with cocktails! Where is this place? Anyway, we sit down and immediately Shanye informs us that this magazine article “is ripping my family apart right now!” And what better way to patch them back together than with an E! sanctioned family barbeque!

“That’s a perfect idea!” the best friend enthusiastically agrees. Yes, perfect for a reality show. Shayne grabs her phone and calls the real star of the show to invite him. “Is AJ going to be there?” is Lorenzo’s first question. Shayne tells the truth, that she’s trying to pull the family back together. She should have lied and ambushed them. Now that would have been entertaining.

That flower. Why? She looks like a drunk pinata.

And back at home, AJ’s no happier. “Is it because of the magazine article?” Shayne demands to know. So, to review, tonight’s episode is brought to you by a magazine article. It’s tearing their lives apart, but it will probably have an “exclusive” with Shayne next week with a follow up about the family tragedy.

Anyway, AJ’s sad he doesn’t have a Dad, but he says it’s really okay because he never did. Well, I don’t know all the details, so it’s a little hard to pass judgment but so far, Lorenzo seems pretty much perfect so I’m guessing AJ’s just a bad seed who slept with his Daddy’s wife. Case closed. And yes, I’m skipping the part where Michelle whips off her shirt and pokes her stretched out lady parts into the freezer. Everyone was scarred. No need to relive it.

Other than the menopause boobage, very healthy refrigerator. Wine, Jack, and Corona.

And then it’s barbecue time! Shayne and Mom come home with this tiny little gas grill, the kind that I’m pretty sure they sell at the gas station. Which of course means we’re about to be treated to a fun little two girls try to put a grill together montage! Whee! Putting together a gas grill is so fun! But then it’s frustrating! And we’re girls, so we don’t know what we’re doing! Let’s just bang some pieces together! Ha ha we’re so silly! Audiences will find it heartwarming! Not so much.

I would also like to point out that there are two dogs in this house, and they both look sedated. Actually, they just look relaxed. Anyway, the next stop on the bridge Jessica Simpson built is for these two retards to drizzle lighter fluid liberally all over the tiny gas grill. The gas grill that’s still in the middle of the living room, by the way. “I’m a pretty smart person,” Cat Lady Mama informs us, “If it blows up, it will be in my face and just another excuse for plastic surgery!” And another tiny corner of a Star Magazine cover that Shayne can later blame for ripping her family apart.

And then it’s time for the grocery shopping. Predictably, Shayne and her little sis have no idea what one might buy for a barbeque. Shayne doesn’t know if her Dad’s going to come and work out his issue with Star Magazine. Oh, so we’re not even pretending AJ’s the problem anymore? Okay. Bought and paid for by Star Magazine, my dears. There’s a comment about pineapple and how it makes your privates smell good. “That’s why I drink a lot of pineapple juice,” chortles Shayne. Subtle, honey. Although I am loving the little sidekick sister who points out that she’s never seen Shayne drink pineapple juice in her life.

Hey! They turned mom into a snack at the grocery store. Mom? I can’t hear you! Talk louder!

Back at the house, AJ’s still sad. And dressed in another ridiculous flannel shirt buttoned up to the neck. Shayne returns home with her barbeque supplies, which seems to mainly be hummus. Cat Lady Mama turns the conversation back to her storyline, and it’s more menopause talk. Somehow, the topic turns to the fact that Shayne can’t spell menopause, which she readily admits. She can, however, spell shoes, lip gloss and sex. I’m not gonna lie, I’m kind of onboard with that.

More mishaps as the barbecue prep continues…dogs eating hummus, Shayne confused about how to cut a watermelon, the little sister showing what Cat Mama calls her “tay tays” – if reality television gives us nothing else, it’s at least providing us with alternate words for breasts. Who wasn’t calling them “bubbies” after the Housewives of NJ? PROSTITUTION WHOOOOOOORE!!! Sorry, couldn’t resist.

But back to the real issue here. Will Lorenzo show? Actually, it doesn’t really matter because AJ takes off anyway. He heads to some bar where he orders…a root beer float? I don’t get it, but I’m guessing there was rehab somewhere in his bad seed past. Meanwhile, Lorenzo scoffs that the barbecue is “a cute idea” but he does not want to see his son. Lorenzo can really hold a grudge. Against his son. I love this family.

And the barbecue’s a dud. It’s just Shayne, her sister and Cat Lady Mama. Someone asks if they should say grace, and they all bow their heads and listen to the sound of the cool summer breeze. Then one of them suggests that perhaps they speak up and say thanks for the barbecue. We need to get back to the father / son / plastic blowup doll ex-wife love triangle. The rest of it’s just not interesting. Oh, wait a minute. What am I thinking? They’re not going to give us the big showdown on the first episode! They’re going to drag it out and do a bunch of E! News and Star Magazine stories about it. I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me sooner. This is hardly my first reality television barbecue.

We should have sent an evite you guys.

Anyway, AJ stumbles back from his root beer float binge and philosophically informs us that it will “take more than two pieces of chicken to bring a father and son back together.” The deep mental stylings of AJ Lamas. “I wish you made more of an aspect with Dad,” sighs Shayne. I am embracing Shayne’s half of a brain cell. I think it’s just adorable.

Then Shayne fake chokes up, because she’s an actress, you know and we end up with AJ having some kind of party. And I will end my recap with a transcript of Flippy and my texts after the show aired.

Flippy: So what did you think?

Chickbomb: Not enough Lorenzo!!!

Flippy: Is that the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter guy?

And that’s all I have to say about that, except that this show totally rocked it out in the ratings and I’m delighted! But it definitely needs more Lorenzo. Kisses.