Leave it to Lamas: The Great Trash War of ’09

This week on Leave It To Lamas, Lorenzo’s still hot and Shayne’s still amusing. We could be doing much worse.

So, the first gift Shayne bestows upon us tonight is sticking her head in a vase and walking around the house. I can’t even call her mildly retarded, cause a vase on the head always gives me a good laugh. What can I say? Actually, perhaps there is a good reason for the vase-head thing, but I miss the first ten seconds so I don’t know.

Her moth head will grow into a slightly less tiny butterfly head.

Shayne is on her way out for the night. Little sis Dakota is jealous – it sucks to not be 21, she tells us. Isn’t the little sis like, seventeen? At first I think a teenager bemoaning the under 21 thing is maybe a little fast? And then I remember that when I was a teenager, it was just easier to get into bars. Also, the nine hundred year old bartender at The Flying Dutchman in Cornfield, New Jersey was probably a little easier to trick than the designer-clad, headset-wearing doormen that guard the trendy clubs of LA.

Except, Shayne is not going to a trendy club in LA. She’s going to Area. Really? That spot was old a year ago when the Real World Hollywood was going there. Oh, the memories. Remember when Brianna the Stripper kicked some guys ass outside of Area? Something tells me we’re not going to get the same action out of our Shayne Doll. Sure enough, she sits down with her besties Am-ber and Ta-ra (imagine me sing-songing that, cause that’s what I did when I wrote it) and ever so creatively informs us that she’s “single and ready to mingle!”

And it doesn’t take her long to spot a hottie who looks uncomfortably like Lorenzo – turns out, they’re star crossed lovahs who’ve met in the past, but he didn’t get her number. “What shoes are you wearing?” she quizzes him, “Where did you go to college?” I can’t think of two better questions. In my world at least, Shayne’s maybe not so stupid after all.

Uh, where’d YOU go to college, biatch?

She sits down with her Daddy issue, and tells him she thinks he’s got a lot of girls. “How can I prove that I want to be here?” he asks her. Why, by letting Shayne stick her tongue down your throat! Way to make him work for it, honey. And really, he’s a heavily tanned dude hanging out at a defunct Hollywood nightclub with a Z-list starlet and a camera crew. That’s your proof right there. Where else would he want to be? Bet you none of his other alleged girls have reality shows.

Then she grabs him, tells him she thinks she likes him and then tongues him some more. The next day, he calls and she tells him to come over and she’ll cook for him. Are you kidding me? Last week, she couldn’t work the microwave, this week she’s Martha Stewart (love!)? I am certain she’s going to just order take out and practice her acting skills by saying she cooked it.

But that night, it’s a date with Dad! Shayne and Lorenzo are going to some charity event. He picks her up at the house, and chivalrously yells from outside for her to come out. He tells us he needed a date, and he’s always had a good relationship with Shayne. Meanwhile, hot brother AJ Lamas observes his ex-mistress’s ex-husband / Dad from upstairs on a balcony. It’s very stalker-y.

Now I have to hit on my sister to get back at Dad. Damn this is getting scary.

The most interesting thing about the ride over is that Lorenzo is upset that his car is dirty, so he runs it through the automatic car wash at the Shell station and hey, I do that! Whenever there’s a valet sitch and I haven’t had time to have the car properly detailed. See – stars are just like us! Also, they’re talking about Lorenzo’s love life, or lack of one, and Shayne says that she’s going to find him a date. Look no further, I say. Lorenzo and I seem to have the same car washing philosophy – I don’t have any plastic body parts yet, but I still really think it could work.

Lorenzo, like all single Dads on the prowl, tells us that his kids are his priority. Also that he’s rusty picking up girls. Oh, Lorenzo. Then I see him in action, gushing to some blonde about how he loves her dress and it’s actually a little creepy. Oh, Lorenzo. Shayne tells us that he’s got a bad track record and that “the Renegade might be a little rusty.” Then she takes off to the bathroom or something less than ten seconds after accompanying Lorenzo over to meet the blonde. “Shayne’s batting 1,000 as a wingman,” Lorenzo tells us proudly. Then he tells us that it if it wasn’t for Shayne, he never would have met Christine, and he had a really good feeling about her. “I had a hand in my Dad meeting Christine,” Shayne echoes happily. The enthusiasm is catchy.

Federline ate Britney! Call the police! And Jenny!

The next night, it’s time for Shayne’s date. She dials a French restaurant and asks for something that looks like it could have been homemade. She loves France, she tells us. “Are you kidding me, my whole wardrobe is from France,” she sniffs. Are you kidding me? When did ill fitting poly-blend mini-dresses become chic? Then she declares that French people like grapes, and sets off to the market to buy what looks like every single grape in LA. For reals, she gets home and there’s mountains of grapes everywhere. But again, the clueless enthusiasm gets me.

Shayne’s Mom, the silly putty sculpted Michelle, shows up to tell us that tonight is Shayne’s date and she’s going to go over to help her. She has no idea who the date is, though. “Elijah? Alonso?” she asks curiously. “Aliyah,” the cameraman tells her. “Aliyah!” she repeats. Xanaxed Hollywood mommies are so cute. Then she walks in the house. “Got enough grapes?” she asks Shayne.

Five thousand grapes can’t trump the one carton of Haagen Daaz post bad date. Nice thinking ahead.

“Can I have a grape?” quips AJ. But unfortunately for AJ, he doesn’t wait for an answer and just takes one. Shayne flips out. “Find where I took that one grape from,” he challenges her, gesturing to the mountains of grapes. Well, he does have a point there. “So like a brother!” Shayne mutters. True, but brothers are the best.

Then there’s a fight about taking out the trash, and somehow Shayne grabs AJ’s shirt, and now he’s all bothered, and you know, it’s just like any other brother and sister. “She brings out the worst in me,” AJ sighs on the patio. “Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?” Shayne screams, flying out of the house, “What’s that in your hair, a clip? Are you kidding me?” And I’m not kidding you, when I say that she really did interrupt her tirade to ask him what the hell was in his hair.

But wait, it gets better. “I sat here all day cleaning the house for two hours!” she yells. I really don’t mean to be fussy, but I just don’t see how she sat and cleaned at the same time and how all day equaled two hours. Maybe if I put on a sparkly headband with feathers on it, I will understand Shayne’s language. I am not kidding you about that either, I have the headband, it’s fabulous.

Dear Lord, please bless me with HAIR HAIR HAIR CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH HAAAAAIIIIIIRRRRR!

AJ goes to outside to tthe street to pray. “Is he Googling?” asks Michelle deliriously. Googling? He’s standing there with no cell phone or anything, what the hell would he be Googling? She’s so high, I love it. Meanwhile, back inside the house, disaster has officially struck. “Just ruin my night,” Shayne sobs, “Ruin it! My whole night is ruined!” she wails dramatically. Then the doorbell rings. “Where’s my perfume?” she cries. So easily distracted, like a frilly, dopey little puppy. And to prove my point, she then starts literally walking around in circles in her gold lame wedges, that – sorry to change the subject here, but really – are decidedly NOT Parisian.

She takes a moment to perfume and get to the right decibel of sobbing, and then flings open the door for her date. “I can only be honest,” she says, sitting him down. And then she commences with a very dramatic re-enactment of the fight over taking out the trash. “I’m just really shaken up,” she sniffles, “But you’re making me feel better.” Then she starts to tell him that she cooked for him – and then fake interrupts herself to say, no, she’s just going to be honest about that too. Well, she kind of didn’t have a choice, because with all the AJ drama, she forgot to get her Mom to help her with the microwave and now she’s really screwed. Luckily, her knight in shining armor is there to punch in three numbers and the Start button. “Wow, you do it so fast,” she fawns, “The other day took me forever!” How can you not love her?

Next week: a fight over putting down the toilet seat. She’ll be on her way to a nervous breakdown.

But back to the real star of the show, although I will admit, Shayne and her adorable, pink pouffy brain cell are giving him a run for his money, Lorenzo! He tells us that even though he’s known for playing the cocky, confident types – “like my characters on Renegade and Falcon Crest,” he manages to throw in. Thank you, Johnny Chase. But anyway, that’s not the real Lorenzo, he tells us. Turns out he’s got a date that night too. With Christine!

Over on Shayne’s date, she’s offering her date some grapes. He’s a graphic artist, something to do with scrap metal. Then, one of the PA’s sends AJ up the driveway, another one gives Shayne the signal and she starts asking her date about his relationship with his Dad just as AJ walks through the door. AJ barges in with his friend, and they basically act like a couple of jackasses.

On Lorenzo’s date, he’s sitting Christine down and making a toast. To a new adventure. And to how thankful he is that God has brought them together to share new adventures in the future together. Yeah, Christine’s looking like she’s relieved to have that camera crew there too. Partly for protection, but partly to document what no doubt was a very funny story about her night out with Lorenzo Lamas.

He made me call him Vince Black and prayed a lot.

Then Lorenzo tells us that he conjures up his Dad when he’s nervous on a date. And his Dad gave him that crazy toast? Lorenzo’s dead Dad is totally fucking with him. And he seems to be having some fun with it because Lorenzo’s now, once again, going on and on about Christine’s dress. Then he says that his Dad was telling him to give her a gift. I don’t know if Dad told him to give her that tacky turquoise piece of crap he took from the Renegade set or if that was Lorenzo’s own touch, but I commend Christine on graciously accepting when he drapes the monstrosity around her neck.

Michael’s.

And back on Shayne’s date, she’s telling Aliyah that he turned her night around. Then she tells us that she shouldn’t “fall in like” with anyone, and then AJ’s at the door. He’s got some dumb excuse for interrupting her date / grabbing a little extra camera time. Shayne’s annoyed for a second, and then cheerfully flips back to telling us that Aliyah is “boyfriend material, marriage material, definitely good material!” Hey, they can have a double wedding with Lorenzo and Christine!

In the end, Shayne decides that her big fight with AJ was for nothing. She and little sis Dakota grab some grapes and ambush AJ in his room with them. They get grapes on his shirt, then it’s AJ’s turn to flip out, Shayne offers to pay for it, he says “Sweet”, she says “Done” and that’s how I’m ending it.

Next week, we will learn of AJ’s dramatic struggle to find a job. There are impassioned declarations of having applied at “every Cheesecake Factory in Southern California!” and that’s all I need to know to wish it was Sunday right now. Lamaskisses! Do you love my new word? Sounds like something Shayne would have made up, and I’m damn proud.

Poor thing. You’ve made it look like a total ass, the least you could do is feed it.