Leave It To Lamas: The First In A Three Part Series

Hello gorgeous dolls, I am here to catch you up on the Lamaii! I blame E! for not doing this sooner – they’re sort of turned their channel into a Kardash fest, and I for one could not find that family more dull (except Kim, everyone loves Kim). E!’s backing the wrong show, and there’s rarely any Leave It To Lamas to be found after air date. But nothing can really keep my from Lorenzo, so here we go.

Try the salmon!

So, now that I have Lorenzo in my life, of course I had to ask ChickMom her opinion on him. “Don’t you think he’s soooo hot?” I ask her. She didn’t really have a comment on that, but she did have something to say about the ex, Shauna Sand. “She’s Jewish,” CM seethed at me, “That trash with the Lucite shoes is Jewish and she’s making us look bad!” she continued angrily. “So, you’re saying Lorenzo likes Jewish girls?” I ask her excitedly. Long pause. “Why don’t you go set the table?” she finally sighed. So that’s where that stands.

But I couldn’t be happier that this episode starts with a Lorenzo story, and it’s at Dodgers Stadium where he will be singing the National Anthem. There’s a small debate between Shayne and the little sister about exactly how many people Lorenzo will be singing to – it’s either five thousand of five million. Whatevs.

Hey! “To All the Girls I Loved Before” isn’t the national anthem!

They announce Lorenzo as a “TV icon”, which I’m betting he scripted himself, and then he starts singing as Shayne supportively lip glosses up. I don’t really know how to describe Lorenzo’s singing. It’s like this very overly dramatic Julio Iglesias routine. Anyway, it’s actually pretty funny to watch, mostly because it sounds so ridiculous and Lorenzo’s really into it. Back home, his hot loser son watches on TV and wonders why he wasn’t invited to the event. Then he makes fun of Lorenzo. Well, there you go dumbass. No one’s gonna invite you to laugh at them.

So, Lorenzo is shameless but you know, that’s part of his charm and Shayne thinks so too. She’s proud of him for always working, even though he’s not in the movies. Back home, his hot loser son swims around in his pool with a cigarette in hand. Seriously dude, I have a friend who keeps a cigarette and lighter next to her alarm clock in the morning, and even she can swim without a smoke. Get a grip. He enlightens us as to why he’s perpetually unemployed – he needs to be available to audition. Oh, another Lamas defaulting to the family business. Does it occur to any of the people that the name Lamas isn’t exactly synonymous with talent? Well, in the meantime we’ll just leave hot little baby Lamas to swim around the pool, smoking and pondering.

But the rest of the family isn’t taking this unemployed AJ thing lying down. Shayne schedules a meeting between her rubber cemented Mommy Michelle and Lorenzo. And then we get some throwaway scene with the little sister telling us how she too loves acting, but not to worry – this one’s a musician. She’s taking “vocal yoga”. I’m not really sure, but I’m guessing it’s some kind of bullshit training for untalented children of celebrities. “I know it sounds weird, but this is what it takes,” Baby Lamas informs the rest of us uninformed, non-show biz peeps. Yeah, vocal yoga and I don’t know, ability to carry a tune? But of course, I’m no professional.

Neither is he. I suggest you go away from the family tree for advice on this one.

And then it’s time for Lorenzo and Michelle’s lunch. Lorenzo turns up in a white wifebeater and a bunch of silver jewelry. I do not know how be manages to pull of hot and ridiculous at the same time. “Why does he have such an aversion to making an honest buck?” Lorenzo wonders. Listen babe, Falcon Crest wasn’t exactly the coal mine. Although Lorenzo would look so hot in a coal mine. Then he complains that it’s Michelle’s fault AJ turned out to be such a loser because she coddled him. Well, that’s probably true although bringing home a step-mommy for him to fuck probably didn’t help matters either.

Ridicuhot

“You were jealous that I breast fed him!” yells Michelle. You just know that Michelle is one of those older ladies at the gym with one of those half stretched / half wrinkly bodies who insists on prancing around the locker room naked. Then she starts in on one of her Xanax fueled rants, this one detailing that the reason why it didn’t work with her and Lorenzo was because, “I’m black, you’re white…shades of pink, blue and yellow…” Actually, I take it back. Today’s nonsense might have been brought to us by good old fashioned pot. ‘I love walking down memory lane with you,” Lorenzo drawls, “It’s soooooo relaxing”.

And once she’s gotten everyman Lorenzo’s opinion, it’s time for Michelle to have a talk with hot loser AJ. They take some puffy white dogs out for a walk, and AJ represents the Lamas name in fashion quite nicely with a black fedora, sunglasses and t-shirt. In other words – ridiculous, but hot. I just don’t know how they do it. Michelle brings up the dreaded working thing, and AJ treats us to a dramatic monologue.

“I have tried to get jobs! I’ve applied at every Cheesecake Factory in Southern California! I have tried to get jobs!” he yells passionately, cigarette flailing. Oh well, you tried at the Cheesecake Factory. Guess there’s not much more you can do, kid. Good hustle though. Even Michelle isn’t buying it. But she gives in pretty easily when he changes the subject. Or maybe her afternoon dose kicked in and she just forgot what she was talking about in the first place.

Mmmmm cheesecake. You know where the factory is?

That night, the little sister is strumming away on the guitar. “That’s annoying. Go away,” Shayne grumbles at her. She supports the guitar playing in general, but not when she’s trying to relax. Amen to that. Oh, and I guess that’s it. Why are they pushing this little sister singer songwriter thing on us? Just give us more Shayne and Lorenzo.

And there he is! Thanks. And he’s getting ready to perform his “cabaret act”. More overwrought singing? Many thanks! Shayne is doesn’t know exactly he means by “cabaret act” but she senses it might be embarrassing. But she’s a good girl, so she agrees to go support him. And then Lorenzo floats the idea of bringing Christine, the lucky recipient of the horrific, Renegade era fake turquoise necklace. “Should I bring her? Will you sit with her?” he asks Shayne. Lorenzo’s lack of game is so cute it has to be actual game, you know?

And then it’s back to hot loser AJ. “People say I’m not productive,” he begins, “So I have an interview today. For a job,” he clarifies. “A real one,” he adds proudly at the end. Cut to Starline Tours. And AJ’s proclamation in his interview that nobody ever wants to hire him as a waiter in this town because “they always tell me I have too much personality!” Oh, typical hot stupid guy, convinced everyone hates him because of his great personality.

Is Hamlet a band or something? Cuz he’s so not read Hamlet. He probably hasn’t even finished reading the whole t-shirt.

Well, the Starline Tours guy sees the PR opportunity in this, so he sends AJ out on a tour audition. Mr. Personality hops onto the top of the red bus with his trademark stupid fedora and Hamlet shirt and instructs the Kansas laden crowd to “just feel the vibe of the city.” Then he says fuck about four times, questions if there’s kids there, and says fuck again.

Ugh, and now we have to go back to little sister. She’s finally made it to the recording studio. She warms up with a little vocal yoga. And then I think she’s having some serious confusion as an artist because there’s no guitar, only some lame synth pop tune about dancing her up to your room. Recording is harder than she thought, she tells us. “I have no idea how I did,” she simpers. Lucky for you sweetheart I’m here and I can tell you, you sucked. Sorry.

Back on AJ’s tour, he’s treating the tour to his theories on how Hooters has the best wings and which Pollo Loco to avoid. Way to immerse them in that whole Hollywood thing, son of Lorenzo. Don’t you have some story about visiting your Dad on set? He also takes a phone call in the middle of the tour. And then finally name drops Grandpa Fernando, but then ruins it by trash talking Lorenzo. At which point the tour guide boss pretty much grabs the microphone and shoves the hot loser into a seat. AJ tells us, attired in a flannel shirt with a beige cap that looks like the one my Grandpa used to wear, that once again, he has been foiled in the employment game by “too much personality!” If his IQ was over 8, I would say this was a bit of self-deprecating sarcasm, but, well, it’s not.

Too much shitty personality.

At the pool, Shayne is wearing a super cute white two piece. Oh, and she’s talking about Lorenzo’s cabaret act and how she’s going to get the whole family to go. She brings it up to AJ, who wants to know if the invite is coming from her or Lorenzo. More Daddy issues. Then he says that he doesn’t want to see Lorenzo getting naked. “Is that what a cabaret act is?” Shayne asks, wide-eyed. Oh, please let that be what it is. But it’s not.

Then it’s time to hear the little sister’s stupid song. AJ’s the lucky first listener, and she’s scared to tell him because she knows he’ll tell it like it is. “That’s not you singing,” he tells her. “It is me singing!” she exclaims happily. Well, you and like four layers of synthesized vocal. But AJ actually holds his cigarette still in the pool to listen, and proclaims that little sister is destined to become a huge star. I love the delusional Lamas existence.

That night, it’s time for the real star of the family, Lorenzo and his cabaret act! He’s playing a club called Catalina, which is a jazz club where I’ve actually been. It’s like an old school jazz club, down some stairs and complete with mean old waiters from the 1950s. In the dressing room, Lorenzo is wearing high waisted jeans – not hot, just ridiculous – and doing some silly vocal yoga exercises of his own. Shayne heads back to wish him luck, and mentions that AJ’s there to support him. Lorenzo says nothing. “Did he even hear me?” Shayne wonders. Why isn’t he wearing his hair all loose and flowy, I want to know?

What’s that smell? Flush your vocal cords.

Christine shows up and is now identified as “Lorenzo’s Girlfriend”. Whore. Lorenzo starts his cheesy singing, but it’s pretty cute. AJ’s having fun watching him, says it’s like when he was a kid on the set of Renegade. And it’s all good, until Lorenzo finishes his first set with an exuberant “Ole!” and starts introducing his “very special guests” from the stage. First is his daughter, Shayne. Then is his ex-wife’s other kid, the little sister. Then is the new person he wants to officially welcome to his life, Christine. And hot loser AJ gets nothing. And on my gosh, AJ takes off his hot guy disguise horn rimmed glasses and he’s crying. Touching. This show works on so many levels.

He runs out of the show, and the sisters follow him. “He knows I’m here,” AJ says. Shayne had so much hoped that this was the night, but it just didn’t happen. “Tell Dad he was great,” AJ tosses of as he walks away. Poor hot loser.

See you in a few for Lamas Part Deux…I love it when I rhyme, kisses-