Leave It To Lamas: Nepotism? Doesn’t Work in a Dakota

And now, for Part Two of our fascinating character study of the Lamaii.

This pretty much sums it up. A grown woman with fake everything on an eight year old’s bike.

Shayne is taking a motorcycle test, and is naturally practicing on a beach cruiser. She doesn’t know her hand signals, and almost gets run over by plastic Michelle in her Beemer. Michelle’s decked out in some more classic Lamas fashion, another black fedora only this one goes with a black suit with nothing underneath. “Mom, you look like Britney Spears right now,” Shayne tells her.

Right after Kevin left.

Then Shyane meets Lorenzo for lunch, and he pulls up on his motorcycle in his little motorcycle outfit. And I’m sorry, but I’ve never been a big fan of head bandanas on a guy, much less ones with flames on them. Omigod, Bret. What am I saying? The look is fabulous. He tells Shayne how excited he is to take her to Sturgis, which she tells us is somewhere in some Dakota, and he tells her is “where chicks go to see and be seen – like Vegas!” Okay, one of them doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about and for once it’s not the blonde.

Lorenzo drops Shayne off at the house on his bike, and AJ watches like the stalker he is. AJ makes fun of Lorenzo, and the little sister tells him he’s totally going to end up as Renegade 2. We can only hope! That’s actually a brilliant idea. Wasn’t Shauna Sand on Renegade? Wait a minute, that stupid Hamlet shirt AJ’s always wearing suddenly makes an awful lot of sense. Meanwhile, Shayne is making plans for the Sturgis thing. Lorenzo has offered to let her invite a friend, and she asks her bestie Amber. Amber’s the most fun, Shayne tells us. “The other night, she came over with dresses and vibrators!” she giggles. Well, well Shayne. That’s a whole different kind of fun but it sounds kind of hot.

Sons of Hagarchy

And then it’s time to pack for the trip to Sturgis. Shayne puts together an outfit of sparkly hot pants, thigh high leather boots and leather jacket and practices all these porn-esque, “So, you wanna take me on your bike” type lines. I actually love the outfit. Poor little sis wants to go, but she’s not invited cause she’s underage. And I forgot the whole reason for the trip to Sturgis in the first place – Lorenzo has started a motorcycle line. I love it. I love the leap from liking to ride the things to a damn product launch.

Later that night, Shayne is having a private moment with her doggy when AJ comes over to ask about the trip. Now, Sturgis is all of the sudden in Montana, and Shayne thinks it’s a ten hour flight. And the next day, we’re in Sturgis, which is ultimately determined to be in some Dakota. And presumably not a ten hour flight, although it’s debatable whether or not Shayne can actually tell time so who knows. It’s a lot of motorcycles and assless chaps. Shayne’s prancing around, yelling about Lorenzo’s new line of motorcycles, and all of the sudden she eats it. Trips face first on the curb. It’s genius. “You okay, honey?” Lorenzo asks, slightly annoyed. “Someone saw my butt!” Shayne yells.

She tells us how embarrassed she is, and then proceeds to repeat the story of the fall to anyone who will listen. Did you see it, she asks everyone? “Why do you think I bought the shirt?” some ZZ Top type cracks. Accidentally eating pavement, my ass. That girl’s a hustler. And Lorenzo probably told her to do it. Then he gives Shayne and her dopey friend Amber fifteen minutes to run around Sturgis. The girls are delighted and go skipping down the Harley lined streets in their pastel frocks. It reminds me of college and me and my little friends going to Daytona Bike Week. Lorenzo does the exasperated parent cluck to the watching crowd. “Anyone else got a daughter here? I’m worried about my little girl at bike week.”

I think you’re alone on that one.

At home, the hot loser and little sister are playing with the cute puffy white dogs and it likes like one of them might be choking on a chicken bone. Thus begins the Great Lamas Dog Choking On A Chicken Bone Crisis of ’09. Of course spacey Michelle thinks all the choking somehow means the dog’s pregnant. “She feels heavier,” she reports to the kids. Then she floats her theory of the dog getting knocked up by “a coyote or a deer”. That would be cool, says the hot loser. I can’t deal. I never thought I’d say this, but get me the hell back to a Dakota.

Shayne and her dopey friend are having a blast in Sturgis. They’re doing shots, taking pictures and then Shayne thinks she should call Lorenzo. Of course, she’s lost her phone, because that’s how we make stories happen her on reality television show. Shayne is predictably devastated at the lost phone and having “lost contact with civilization”. So she decides to just go shopping. I love how Shayne thinks. I’m not being sarcastic. I lost my keys once on a shopping trip. I searched for an hour, nearly flipped out, calmed myself down with a new dress, went to Starbucks to get a coffee and strategize, and the guy behind my counter said, “Oh there you are,” and handed me my keys. See, shopping works.

And back at the bike show thingy, Shayne’s obviously out of contact with civilization, and Lorenzo’s getting worried. He tells his super creepy looking partner that he’s concerned as he tries and tries to call her. We see the phone ringing back at Lorenzo’s house, where the PA who stole it out of Shayne’s purse stashed it, while Shayne and Amber go about buying some assless chaps. “What are you looking at?” they fake upset screech at their sleazy audience. “Your ass,” they all answer pretty much at the same time. Hmmm. Maybe not so different than Vegas after all.

Back with Lorenzo, he’s just about ready to ditch his first appearance with his new line of bikes because he’s worried about Shayne. I’m cutting him slack – this lost phone scenario doesn’t really give him whole lot to work with. “We can’t miss the appearance because you’re daughter’s on the loose,” the creepy partner warns him. Attentions Sturgis – there is a frilly blonde thing on the loose! Answers to lip gloss and hot guys. Oh, and pageant requests. Which is what happens as Shayne and Amber continue their shopping spree. The PA who lifted the phone is back from planting it in the house, and is now tasked with getting Shayne to some Sturgis beauty pageant.

Why, you ask? Because, in a brilliant twist, Lorenzo is judging it! Shayne loves pageants, and is thrilled to be participating. The pageant itself is tragic. The participating hos are tragic. The whole thing is just dirty, and NOT in a good way. Then comes Shayne and Amber. Lorenzo pretends to be all surprised to see them and scolds Shayne for disappearing as she poses on the stage. “They came up with some funky dance,” Lorenzo explains to us. “Some funky dance.” Lorenzo’s such a middle aged Dad. It’s so cute. He’s like Ned Flanders in leather chaps.

Howdly doodly neighbor!

Later that day, Lorenzo takes Shayne to a motorcycles in television and film museum. Who even knew they had such a thing? Well, someone whose crowing achievement in entertainment happened riding atop a flame painted motorcycle. That’s right – it’s the home of the Renegade motorcycle. Apparently, the thing is like the Knight Rider of motorcycles. Lorenzo is very, very proud. He tells us how much he loved doing Renegade because he was acting and writing. You know, I had forgotten that, and I think I actually knew that. It will surprise no one to learn that I actually liked Renegade. I remember watching it. He continues on with a speech about starting over, complete with a little choking up action. I’ve said it before – Lorenzo’s a pro.

Back in LA, the Chicken Bone Incident continues to unfold. They decide to take her to the vet, where it’s determined that she has a little bronchitis, but is not choking on a chicken bone. Crisis averted and how effing stupid. Although that dog is super, super adorable.

In Sturgis, Lorenzo is about to see the prototype of his signature bike for the first time! But there’s a problem. “Wasn’t it supposed to be satin black on black enamel?” Lorenzo asks his people. It’s not. It’s flame painted, just like – you guessed it – the insanely famous Renegade bike. But Lorenzo is not happy. I guess he really wanted to leave the flames in the museum, and start anew. Oh, speaking of starting anew, because it’s a line from a song in Grease and I know I haven’t mentioned this yet – does anyone know that Lorenzo Lamas was in Grease? He was. I won’t ruin the surprise, but he had a very pivotal role.

Anyway, he loves what his builder did, it’s perfect except, “It’s just the paint, man. The paint.” Even the paint gets dramatic delivery. But, he somehow finds the will to compete in the Best Motorcycle competition or whatever it is…and he loses. Doesn’t place at all. He’s disappointed. Poor thing. “I didn’t win my first beauty contest,” Shayne tells him. “We didn’t even win the one your Dad was judging,” not so dopey Amber points out. Shut up, Amber.

But Lorenzo’s not going to let it get him down. Or miss an opportunity for a ‘we shall overcome’ type soundbite. “I can hold my head up high,” he intones. Shayne says that he’s obviously down in the dumps, and she knows if she offers to go on a bike ride with him that will make him feel better. So that’s what they do. It’s really cute. Then they go back to LA. There’s a wrap up of the Dog Chicken Bronchitis thing, and it’s ultimately decided that the dog’s problems have to do with AJ’s incessant smoking. So they ask him to quit. Hot loser doesn’t want to,, but he says he’ll try for the dog.

Based on the previews, our next installment is going to be a scintillating half hour of Shayne trying to squash herself into a pair of jeans. So, well, see you for that.