Legally Blonde The Musical : Small Dogs and Big Dreams

As we enter the fourth week of competition on MTV’s Legally Blonde The Musical: The Search For Elle Woods, one thing is clear: the judges prefer the blonde contestants, if only because they coincidentally have emerged as the most talented prospects. Meanwhile, things are not looking so good for the show’s three non-blondes…or maybe there are four non-blondes, if you count Natalie who is sort of a brownish blonde. But I don’t know, it’s hard to remember that Natalie’s even around with her bland performances and useless on-camera commentary.

By the by, does anyone remember that band Four Non Blondes? They sang that song “What’s Going On?” They were a 90s one hit wonder. Don’t you love the 90s? VH1 does. They did a whole miniseries about it.So anyway, at the end of last week’s episode, Lindsay was sent home for failing to live up to her Elle-like appearance. Then the other three girls who were marked as failures that week–Celina, Lauren, and Emma–were released from the casting office to return to the Pink House and thank their lucky stars.

When they walked in the door, they are immediately greeted with hugs, and Emma finally drops her Tough Tina act and sheds a few tears of relief/mortification.

I JUST NEVER THOUGHT I’D BE AS PATHETIC AS THE REST OF YOU

Once the near-losers are settled in, all of the girls gather around, wanting to know what it was like to be in the casting office. But Celina is too pissed off at Cassie to focus on her recent tale of woe.

See, at the last audition, Cassie (who everyone hates) told the judges that none of the girls supported her during rehearsals, even though she always supported each and every one of them. Really, she was only referring to Bailey, but she decided to just blame everyone.

As you can imagine, this did not go over very well, and even though Cassie is now acting as though nothing happened, Celina and the rest of the contestants are not ready to drop it.

FIRST I’M GONNA KILL YOU, THEN I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE CASTING OFFICE

And so they all begin telling Cassie how they feel. Autumn believes that in this crazy situation they’re in, Cassie is perceiving things incorrectly, taking offense when no offense was intended. Celina thinks she needs to watch what she says. Emma thinks she’s not a team player. Etc, etc.

To all of this critiquing, Cassie responds the same way she does to any of the judges or instructors in this competition, with a cheerleader-like nod of the head and a chirpy “Okay. Okay.”

That is, until it finally sinks in that “Hey, nobody likes me.” Then she begins to cry, and offer up a strange defense. “It’s just that I don’t know how to talk to girls and I don’t have girl friends.”

EVEN MY IMAGINARY FRIENDS ARE ALL BOYS

This week, I watched an episode of Clean House , a show on the Style Network where Niecy Nash (Deputy Raineesha Williams on Reno 911!) brings a bunch of bitchy interior designers into really cluttered houses and makes the owners have a garage sale. And quite randomly, the episode I caught featured Cassie’s family. Yes, there she was. Cassie, with her sister, her dad, and her grandmother, living in a house in California that had a kitchen full of spare dishwashers and a backyard full of random lumber.

I felt bad for little Cassie. They made her throw out all of her old dance costumes. And I felt worse for her grandmother because this one particularly aggressive designer made her throw out these vases and statues that were a gift from her pastor, and the poor woman was too frail to fight to save her beloved treasures.

My point is that after seeing Cassie’s bedroom (messy, just like mine!) and meeting her grandmother, I can’t help but feel a teency bit sympathetic, even if she is petulant and socially inept.

After attacking Cassie for an hour or so, the girls all head to bed to get some beauty sleep.

And the next day, the wonder what’s in store for them. It seems every time they head to rehearsal, they’re put through something worse than the time before.

But today, when they arrive at rehearsal, they looked pleased.

DUFF’S BEEN FIRED AND WE GET A NEW MENTOR?

It seems that today’s challenge is to play with two dogs. These guys:

SAY HELLO TO MAH LEETLE FRENS

They play Bruiser, Elle’s dog in the show. Not both at the same time, of course. They take turns. It’s kind of a Mary Kate and Ashley as Michelle Tanner situation.

The dog trainer tells the girls that they’ll be taking the two dogs back to the Pink House to spend some time with them and tomorrow, he’ll see who the dogs like most. And that girl is the winner.

Seems fair, doesn’t it? Yeah, no.

I don’t know why they’re making all of this fuss with transporting the dogs and taking up all of their precious time. I think we could just cut to the chase, let the dogs loose and see who they run to. “Animal instinct dictates that you are the next Elle Woods.”

But then if they did that, Bailey would probably win. There is just something about that girl that makes me think she keeps bacon in her pockets. I don’t know why I think that but I do.

The ladies head home, dogs in tow. Once they’re back to the Pink House, they all take turns acting like they just looooove dogs, while desperately hoping they can think up a trick to make the dogs hate the other girls before tomorrow’s evaluation.

I DON’T KNOW WHY THE JUDGES KEEP TELLING ME I MAKE PUPPY DOG FACES

The next morning, Emma wakes up with all kinds of flu-like symptoms. She didn’t go so far as to suggest that maybe those two mutts they brought home were carrying diseases…but it makes sense, if you really think about it.

No, Emma blames her sickness on the fact that she recently quit smoking (a life choice that she manages to bring up at least once an episode).

But she can’t let that slow her down because judgement is upon the girls, and Duff shows up at the Pink House with the trainer and his assistant.

HOPE YOU GUYS DON’T MIND IF I STAY FOR A FEW DAYS, MY SECRET HAYLAIR’S BEING REDONE. NOW SOMEONE GO GET ME A BOTTLED WATER.

While the trainer looks on, each of the girls goes through a few commands with the dogs to demonstrate how well they’ve bonded. And Cassie gets the opportunity to show that she is off-putting to both humans and dogs. The more she commands the dog to “stay” the more panicked it looks. Oh well, I’m not surprised.

In the end, the trainer decides that Autumn made the best impression on the pooches, and when he announces she’s the winner, she is overjoyed. The key part of that word being “over.”

I FEEL LIKE THE PRETTIEST GIRL AT THE DANCE

The prize is to go on a doggy date (whatever that means) with Richard Blake, who plays Warner Huntington in the musical. As usual, the winner gets to bring along a pal, and so Autumn picks Celina. Note the non-blonde unity.

WELL DON’T YOU TWO LOOK COZY

Cassie’s also starting to notice some cliques forming in the house, but seems puzzled that she isn’t a part of any clique. And her being puzzled about this is puzzling in itself.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY NOT BEING A SPAZ, CASS

While the other girls stay home and get familiar with their next audition piece, Autumn and Celina get familiar with a piece of ass, Richard Blake. The ladies bring their two new dog pals on what has to be the most romantic date locale I’ve ever seen: the back of a pet store.

IT WAS EITHER THIS OR THE BURGER KING NEXT DOOR

Richard, despite being a somewhat douchey looking actor, turns out to be very charming and likeable, and Autumn practically throws herself at him. About the experience, she comments that now she has an undeniable connection with Richard that will help her in the scene they will do together for the next audition.

So, with much confidence, she heads to their rehearsal, where they learn the lyrics and moves to “Serious.” In this scene, Blake and Elle are out to dinner. Elle believes Blake is going to propose to her, but he actually breaks up with her instead. To help the girls get in the right mindset, vocal coach Seth tells them to think of a time they were dumped. “How many of you have been dumped?” he asks. But Lauren is the only girl not to raise her hand.

YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. AND IT’S NOT JUST BECAUSE I’M 14.

While running through the scene, Emma has some trouble because she is still sick, and coughs all over the place. Seth is concerned (annoyed). “What’s wrong with you?”
“I just quit smoking.”
“So what? Do something to fix this. Now.”

TAKE IT EASY OR I’LL COUGH IN YOUR FACE, SETH

Bailey has trouble showing real devastation during this scene. To help her feel that level of sorrow, Seth tells her that none of the judges wanted her back this week.

BUT. BUT. BUT I’M THE BEST!

And then he tells her that he was just kidding. Man, talk about devastated. I was so sad to hear that he made that up.

Audition day rolls around, and Cassie isn’t feeling very confident. Perhaps she’d feel better with a different choice of scarf?

NO, I LIKE LOOKING LIKE I HAVE A GIANT SHRIMP HUGGING MY NECK.

Autumn, on the other hand, could not feel more pleased with herself heading into the audition. She is certain that she is going to be awesome. But I think we all know better. We know that whenever someone starts to feel good about themselves, they end up sucking at their next audition.

The girls arrive at the audition theatre, where Duff reluctantly waits to greet them.

CAN’T GET OUT OF MY CONTRACT.

Then they get down to business with their auditions.

Rhiannon dazzles them, as usual. They like Bailey’s performance, but feel like she is dishing out the same thing week after week. The same goes for Natalie.

And they just love Lauren’s audition, feeling like she brought her own color to it. And they don’t mean because she wore a purple dress instead of a pink one. She was all tough and sassy. Also, when did she get huge boobs? Did anyone else notice them?

HEY, DID YOU KNOW I’VE NEVER BEEN DUMPED BEFORE? IT’S A LITTLE SECRET I DON’T TELL MANY PEOPLE.

And then there was Cassie’s performance, which confused the judges. Or maybe they were just making those faces while concentrating really hard, trying to think of a more professional-sounding word for her performance than “sucky.”

MAYBE “LAME”?

They tell Cassie that they just aren’t feeling it. “So, more in the moment?” Cassie asks. Well, that’s not really what they were saying, but I guess that makes it sound like they were only giving you a tid bit of criticism.

SO, IT’S THE DRESS YOU DON’T LIKE. GOT IT.

Before Autumn goes into her audition, she is still pumped and tooting her own horn. “I’m just going to let my strength, my comedy just come through. Let it organically happen.” Good grief. Can this woman possibly talk any more about how funny she is?

THIS COMPETITION’S MICHAEL SCOTT

But the proof is in the pudding, and Autumn’s pudding is full of crap. The judges thought her timing was off and that she just overall gave a bad audition.

They were also less than impressed with Celina, who they have almost never liked and who they keep stringing along in this competition for some sick reason. Poor thing. But being perhaps the only smart one of the bunch, Celina is picking up on that. When they tell her they are trying to see her as Elle, she tells them, “Yeah and I can see you’re having difficulty with that.”

Then it’s time for Emma to take the stage, bronchitis and all. And despite being stuffy and feeling run down, she gives a great performance that the judges absolutely love.

MAYBE I SHOULD’VE GOTTEN SICK SOONER

And then it’s time to round up the ladies and bring three of them to the casting office so that they can be talked down to and insulted, before one of them is cut loose.

After reading off four names, Duff has sent all of the blondes to safety in the dressing room, while the non-blondes remain in peril.

I HAVE NO CHOICE. I’M ALLERGIC TO PEROXIDE.

Natalie’s is the last name called. Looks like she is saved by her light brown hair.

Celina, ever the smart cookie, tells the camera that maybe Elle is just not her part. No, it’s not, but that’s okay! You are lovely.

Autumn confides that she gave a bad performance and deserves to be in the bottom three, but that there is no way she can be sent home.

And Cassie…well, Cassie has never been good with maturity. “Come on, give me some credit. I busted my ass.” Whoopty freakin doo, Cass.

So they line up in front of the judges in the pink office of doom, where they are in for a real surprise. This week, the judges are sending two of them home. But they don’t tell them that right away.

SITTING DUCKS

The judges begin their evaluations with Paul (the actor judge) telling Cassie that she is talented, but would make for a good understudy at this early stage in her career. Cassie cuts him off. “But that’s not going to make me a Broadway star.”

My god, woman. Are you trying to make them send you home?

Then the judges go on to tell Celina that her performance just wasn’t funny. “It was probably way to subtle,” Celina admits.

Heather (writer judge) responds with a bitchy, “What part of you thinks that Legally Blonde is about being subtle?”

They tell Autumn that she just gave a bad audition. Period. I was hoping Autumn would counter with, “But remember how the dogs really liked me?!” But instead she just put herself down. And that’s what they really wanted to see.

Then it’s time for the first cut. And it’s Celina. The judges make their announcement and wait for their favorite moment, when they watch the girl’s face just prune up in agony over her crushed dreams. But Celina isn’t giving them any of that. She holds her head high, and tells us that she has learned a lot from the experience.

TOO GOOD FOR THEM ANYWAY

Meanwhile, Cassie and Autumn are breathing sighs of relief. And here’s where things get fantastic and the judges let them know that one more is going home. It is just pure evil that they wait until the girls think they are safe for another week.

OH CRAP ON A STICK

And it’s Cassie that’s the second one to go. Surprisingly, she is respectful in front of the judges. Outside of the casting office, however, she goes on and on about how she made improvements and did what they said.

But they can’t just reward you for trying. No, on this show, they aren’t just looking for hard-workers, they are looking for the least awful amateur actor.