Hello Legally Blonde watchers. Welcome back to the Pink House. If you’re still with me, it means you’ve fallen under the same unlikely spell as I have and you’ve suddenly found yourself giving a crap what happens to these overblown homecoming queens. I know, it’s unsettling. But just hang in there a few more weeks and this will all be over with. (And then you know you’ll be back to obsessing over the losers on The Hills. Btw, Team Heidi 100%. Get over yourself, Lauren! As Michael Stipe said, “Everybody hurts sometimes.”)
So this week, we’ve got some things to look forward to. Natalie steps into the spotlight, Emma is forced off her high horse, and Autumn blows chunks. It’s about time these ladies went full tilt boogie.We begin this week’s episode the same way we always do. Everyone is sitting around picking at their cuticles and waiting to see which girls actually make it back from the casting office. And then someone comments, “It’s really nerve-wracking waiting to see who comes through that door.” Yaddi yadda.
Only this week Bailey spices things up by being a total backstabbing bitch. While waiting in agony with everyone else, she comments, “You don’t want to be like, oh one girl down, 5 more to go. You don’t want to be thataway.” Yes she says “thataway.”
But then, when she’s alone with the camera, Bailey says, “Autumn is one of my biggest competitions and honestly I hope she goes home tonight.” Yes, she said competition instead of competitors.
“I hope she goes home tonight.” Man, that is some nasty behavior. I love it! Way to go, minister’s daughter. I always knew you had it in you.
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS ME
Oh…and then who should walk through the door but Autumn. And the girls could not be more surprised for this was the week that the judges threw them the ol’ curveball and sent two ladies home.
And neither of them were Autumn. Sorry, Bailey.
SHE BEST SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN, YA HEAR?
The ladies all get a good night’s rest, and wake up in the morning to find a call sheet directing them to meet at a dance studio. This immediately makes all of them nervous because apparently none of them feel particularly confident in dancing.
To be the next Elle Woods, the winner needs to be able to sing, act, and dance. Now, I can’t do any of those things, but if I had to pick one to fake my way through, I’d have to say dancing would be the easiest. So what is the big deal?
DANCING MAKES THE LEFT SIDE OF MY FACE GO NUMB
The girls arrive at the dancing studio to find their phenomenally awful mentor Duff, eager to greet them and dressed like a tampon.
AND JUST AS EASY TO DISPOSE OF
Today they are going to learn a hip-hoppy dance number, as instructed by a cranky man named Nick Kenkle. Pronounced Cankle–as in the unfortunate occurrence of a not-so-separated calf and ankle. Something I’m suuuure none of these ladies suffer from.
YOU ALSO SUFFER FROM FIPS, OR FAT-HIPS
But before they all get started learning their dance moves, Emma has an important announcement to make. “I need something to spit in.”
Yes, Tough Tina’s still battling bronchitis and she wants to make sure everybody knows it.
COUGHING UP WADS OF TALENT
With the help of Cankles, the girls go through the dance moves a few times. And even though Cankles says that each and everyone of them is simply awful, he still rewards them all with a pair of high heeled, bright pink boots.
THE BOOTS GET TO SIT. YOU MUST STAND.
Or maybe it’s because they are all simply awful that he makes them wear these boots. At any rate, the girls react to the boots with mock excitement.
“But why are they going to wear these boots for the rest of the day?” you ask. Well, it’s to test their ability to dance under wobbly circumstances. According to associate choreographer Denis, “The broadway stage is literally an obstacle course of chords, of stairs, of tracks that love to get heels caught in them.”
IT’S LITERALLY A MINEFIELD. KA-BLOOEY.
I don’t want to sound like a snob here (yes I do), but this is the first of many many many abuses of the term “literally” in this episode. And this is the least offensive. No, I don’t believe that the stage is literally an obstacle course. It’s literally a stage. If it were built as an obstacle course, then I’m sure at some point, someone in charge would’ve said, “Hey, where’s the crew? They’ve screwed up and built an obstacle course instead of a stage. How are we supposed to perform on this? There are tires and ropes all over the place.”
But anyway, then he tells the ladies to put on their new hideous boots because they are going to move practice outside to “the cobble-stoned streets of Brooklyn.” Sounds kind of like a Renaissance Festival/Epcot Center kind of thing, no? Ye olde cobblestoned Brooklyn. Come feast on the King’s bagels and frolic with the hipsters of the royal court.
As merry as this whole thing sounds, the ladies are less than pleased to be dancing in ye olde streets.
PLEASE SIR, I’M LITERALLY FREEZING MY ASS OFF.
Before the girls can go thinking this is some ridiculous stunt that MTV cooked up because dancing in a studio makes for lousy television, Denis assures them of the importance of the task at hand by reminding them that “The stage is covered with tracks that literally eat stilettos for lunch.”
Really? There are tracks that literally eat stilettos for lunch. Denis, you are lucky I’m working on a computer that doesn’t have photoshop right now or I’d show you what a stiletto-eating track looks like and I’m pretty sure you’d agree that your stage possesses no such creature.
The girls groan and moan and make their way through the dance steps. Emma comments that she was dancing in “possibly the most uncomfortable pink stiletto boots I’ve ever worn.” To me this sounds like she’s worn a lot of uncomfortable pink stiletto boots in her life. Sounds unusual, but hey, what do I know about theatre?
Indeed all of the girls seemed to share Emma’s distaste for the day’s rehearsal activities. Well…everyone except for Natalie. This girl was on fire, and just inches away from groping her own boobies the whole time.
UH-HUH. YA LIKE THAT?
In this audition process, practice is never just practice. It’s always a little competition. And today the instructors had to find the best dancer of the group. They picked Natalie.
YEAH I KNOW
This is quite the turn of events, considering we’ve seen Natalie about .5% of the time this whole season. Or rather, she’s around a lot, but we just tend to forget about her.
So Natalie chooses Rhiannon to go along with her on her reward outing. This time, it’s a private yoga lesson with Kate Shindle, the actress who plays Vivian in the musical.
PRAYING TO THE YOGA GODS THAT THE NEXT REWARD IS JUST A NICE COLD BEER
This whole scene is a total snoozefest, so let’s fast forward a bit.
Natalie and Rhiannon rejoin the rest of the girls to continue rehearsing the “Shake Your Junk” scene for the following day’s audition. The rehearsal begins at 6:00. By 6:05, Cankles is telling Emma that she is so awful she is screwing everyone else up. And by 6:40, Denis decides to call it a day. He says, “I deliberately cut rehearsal short to challenge them.”
BUT REALLY I JUST HAD THIS WICKED CRAVING FOR SOME PAD THAI
This sends the girls into a panic, and they all rush home to continue practicing. But before they can get too comfortable, they get a surprise late-night call sheet. A booty-call sheet, if you will.
And this is no ordinary list of instructions. This is a questionnaire for the girls to fill out together, asking “Who is the worst dancer?” “Who is the worst actor?” Etc.
Ah, brutality. I love it.
But these pansies don’t care much for it. Rhiannon breaks into tears. “To ask this of us, especially after we’ve had such a rough day.”
OH BOO HOO
Then, in the most pathetic move ever, Lauren sucks the air out of the room and draws all of the attention on herself. “I feel like you guys would put me down for every answer.”
AND YOU ALL THINK I’M FAT. DON’T YOU? DON’T YOU?!
Just as I’m getting ready for some serious drama, and for Bailey to at last be insulting to someone’s face, the whole gang downs some marshmallows and happy pills and decides to work together “in the spirit of Elle” to be Team Lovey Dovey and come up with positive twists on the questions. Instead of “worst dancer,” now it’s “most improved dancer.”
Since when were euphemisms so welcomed?
And so with Autumn at the helm, wielding the blue marker to write their answers down on the giant pad of paper on an easel that magically materialized in the Pink House, the girls made their way through the task at hand.
NEXT WE CAN PLAY PICTIONARY
What a missed opportunity here. Huh folks? The show’s producers were probably drooling over the potential footage of cat fights, and doors slamming, and horrid bleeped-out insults.
And then they had to go and be all…peachy. YAWN.
The following day, the girls show up for their next big audition. Duff is there to greet them, this time dressed like she’s hosting the office Christmas party.
AND MAYBE A LITTLE CHRISTMAS ELF SPIKED THE PUNCH…TEE HEE
Then it’s time to get this show on the road. Emma’s up first and her performance earns her this look.
Emma, what went wrong?
“I have bronchitis.”
Yeah, yeah, we know. But why are you a horrible dancer?
MAYBE I HAVEN’T BEEN COMPLETELY CLEAR. I HAVE BRONCHITIS.
Bailey came next, pleasing the judges with her “sexy” performance.
Then came Rhiannon, who was a bit of a let down. Judge Bernie said, “For someone who literally hit it out of the ball park last week, I was a little disappointed.”
Up next was Lauren. Despite being the target of the “Everyone tell Lauren how bad she is” questionnaire the night before, this little lady bounced back to give a performance the judges really enjoyed.
I WAS VOTED MOST IMPROVED DANCER!
Next comes Autumn, who puts on a good enough show, but it’s clear to the judges that her charisma and enthusiasm on stage are not powerful enough qualities to forgive her shortcomings in dance. As the judges are going over this evaluation, Autumn starts to look weird.
OOF…DON’T THINK ABOUT HOT DOGS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS RIGHT NOW
And then weirder…
DON’T THINK ABOUT THE SMELL OF FEET
And then finally she slaps her hand over her mouth, cheeks ballooned out at the sides, and runs off the stage to go puke. The camera actually follows her into the ladies room, where we get to see her little feet under the stall door and hear her wretching noises.
“BLUH. GLUUUH. BLUUUH.” – Autumn
Oh dear. I know you’re really embarrassed about your spontaneous vomiting, but look on the bright side…maybe you’re just pregnant.
Then it’s time for Natalie, the previous day’s award winner, to take the stage. And once again she busts out all of her moves.
The judges are so impressed, it prompts Bernie to tell her she’s on the Definitely Yes list. It’s the first time a contestant has heard they are on the list before the list actually exists. Go Natalie. I was wrong about you. You aren’t that boring.
And then it’s time for the judges to decide who is going to have to meet with them in the casting office. This week’s losers are Autumn and Emma.
THE SICKLY TWOSOME
Right away, Emma is incredulous, believing there are contestants who are far less talented than she is. But no one cares what Emma has to say.
The ladies report to the casting office, where they each pleads her case about why they should be allowed to stay on in the competition. If you ask me, I think that if you’ve made it as far as the casting office, you should just get the boot because clearly you are inadequate.
So who’s going home this week?
Emma. And thank goodness because she was really starting to get on my nerves. She’s sort of a miserable old soul.
She leaves us with her parting words “Lauren and Rhiannon and Bailey are little girls. I don’t see why it’s me and not some of them.”
I guess that wraps it up for this week’s episo–
No. No wait. What happened to that questionnaire? The one the producers gave them with all the nasty questions that they turned into slightly not so nasty questions? They handed their answers over to someone, right? What was the point? Who read it?
Okay well then nevermind. Guess that’s really the end of the show. See you next week.