Now that I have your attention: Things are just heating up in the Lipstick Jungle. This week brings more sex, more style, more drama, more shoes and most importantly more naked boys. It seems everywhere I look there are naked boys, naked boy, naked boys!
“Don’t make any sudden movements. You might scare it away.”
We open this week with Wendy applying her make-up as her son brings her a fax detailing the 40 million dollar opening weekend of her new epic film Boxspring Mattresses: A Thing of the Past? Nico is making awkward sex noises while climbing her corporate stair master. Victory is waking up from a drunken stupor in a pool of her own vomit with a used condom in her ear, as Mr. Big-Lite calls her to invite her to lunch in Miami. Victory has had a rough couple of days since her latest fashion line crashed harder than she did the previous night and she had to let 15 people go from her company so she declines.
“Girl power is out? What?!”
Nico arrives at work and is greeted by her sassy black assistant to find out that Mike is in Hector’s office, possibly conspiring against her. It seems that the office is in a tizzy because they lost Prince William. OK, let’s split up to find him. I’ll check the strip bars and you look at the hair club for Princes. Nico proceeded with planning a royal themed issue of Bonfire with Prince William as the cover boy, but only got a good faith, oral contract (awwww yeaaaa!) and another magazine has scooped the Prince out from under them.
Mike tells Hector that the Prince’s press secretary said that their tactics were too stodgy for the royal family’s brand of hip, urban and cool, which is why Queen Anne recently took up krumping. Nico assures Hector that she can get William back, without the help of any man or from Mike.
“Care for a cup of my signature sassy, black coffee?”
Wendy enters her office to find a funny vibe responding to her smiles and usual early morning charm. Wendy’s assistant, or boss, or possibly peer, Manny enters to tell Wendy the scuttlebutt. An unpublished manuscript has been sent to the office, written by Wendy’s ex-nanny. In the book the nanny describes Wendy as shallow as a bedpan and twice as cold. We can only imagine what she said Wendy is full of.
Victory is busy packing up her swatches and Tim Gunn life-size cut out to move into a smaller office, in the shady part of town where she has to carry pepper spray and a rape whistle. Her assistant, Reece, is trying to make Victory feel better about the move to the smaller office. “Hey, if someone tries to rape you all you have to do is loosen your bowels and soil yourself. It turns them right off!” Victory’s assistant also lets it slip that she has received another job offer which gives her the chance to design. Victory encourages the girl to take the offer since it’s a great opportunity, but Victory’s assistant is committed to her and relies on Victory to dole out her insulin pills once a day. Victory insists that the girl take the job and the two hug it out.
Back at Wendy’s office, Wendy is still incredulous that her dear, sweet ex-nanny, who barely spoke English and wouldn’t harm a fly, could write such a bitter book about her. Wendy liked Mariska personally but didn’t appreciate her work ethic or style, and now is faced with the difficult decision to take legal action or not against a dirty immigrant, which is so beneath her. Wendy refuses to take legal action, but also refuses to be blackmailed, choosing to focus on the weekend box office numbers and ignore the book. When Manny leaves the office, curiosity gets the better of Wendy and she picks up the book to sneak a peak.
“What about all the times I DIDN’T hit her.”
Nico receives a message form a disembodied voice that her photographer friend Patty Bloom is on her way in her office. Patty enters, played by the late Melanie Mayron, and is followed by her assistant Kirby Atwood, with whom Nico had a torrid, bony affair just last week. The two lay on the pretense and act as if they have never met or had things inside of each other. While Patty rambles on about work or some such shit, Nico and Kirby continue to sneak glances at each other and smile before acting nervous and awkward again.
“And then my husband knocked the casserole out of my hands and said ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’”
Victory is preparing for her date while her assistant continues to pack boxes of shoulder pads and denim fringe. Before Victory leaves she asks her assistant when she is supposed to start this new job and is told very soon. Victory’s eyes well with tears as do the assistants as they both promise to stay BFFs and write each other all the time. Victory leaves the apartment and the assistant’s face immediately changes, not into a vampire or anything, just a bitch. She rushes to Victory’s files and steals a bunch of drawings, obviously to use later when she masturbates later.
“I’m gonna pretend they’re all Angelina Jolie and that they’re all naked. Awww yeaa. Come to momma.”
Patty finally leaves and Nico thanks her and her assistant for their time and fluids. Nico exhales a sigh of relief before Kirby comes knocking on her back door again, this time literally. Nico immediately tells him that her dirty no no naught bits are off limits to him and what happened before was a one time thing and he needs to realize that not every woman will drop to her knees for a pretty boy in tight jeans! Kirby informs her that he simply forgot his notes before bending over to pick up his notebook and in the process reveal said jeans.
“O please, girlfriend, like I even wanna go near that trout farm again.”
The ladies all meet at lunch to dish about boys and shoes. Wendy lets the ladies take a look at the manuscript that’s causing the entire ruckus. They’re both shocked at what it says about Wendy and Shane, but more shocked that Shane doesn’t seem to care based on what Wendy told them. Wendy is also starting to believe some of the horrible things that were written about her since she doesn’t get to spend quality time with her kids and when hard pressed can really only come up with one of their names. Victory offers to buy wine for the table since she has no assistant or work to go back to. The ladies try and boost Victory’s spirits but she’s intent on settling in with a big bottle of wine and the latest copy of Guns and Ammo.
“Don’t even get me started on Lucy Liu. There’d be two hits: me hitting her and her hitting the floor.” *hiccup!*
Nico strides into her office in swayback Manolos to have her sassy black assistant tell her that Patty has new concept drawings ready to be sent to her via messenger. Nico suddenly has a hot flashback of Kirby nailing her in his bunk bed and decides to swing by and pick up the drawings herself. When Nico arrives at Patty’s office she finds that Patty had to make an emergency trip to Jersey to get her root perm tightened so Nico is all alone once again with Kirby.
Nico tries to remain professional, which is difficult when Kirby starts stripping down and lying on the Roman feast set used in their last photo shoot looking like a big pile of sexy ham. Nico reminds Kirby that she meant what she said and she said what she meant, but Kirby calls her bluff and tells Nico that if she really meant that she would have paid the bag of weed it costs to send a bike messenger.
This bared repeating.
From her car, Wendy calls Shane to check how many kids she has and remind him to scrub off all the gunk from her Jimmy Choos. Shane tells Wendy to stop obsessing about the book and start thinking about the wifely duties she needs to perform when she gets home. Wendy assures Shane that she has completely forgotten about the book, before hanging up since her driver is pulling up to her ex-nanny’s apartment in the heart of Little Guadalajara.
While Victory is doing a little retail therapy she sees a shabby, hideous hat on a street vendor’s table and her beedy little eyes go wide. Victory rushes over to buy it only to have it snatched up by a scary drag queen with an attitude. Is there any other kind? Victory tries to plead with Ferociouca to let her buy the hat since it turns out that hat was her last project in fashion school that she gave to her teacher as a gift. Ferociouca is not in a giving mood because she recently shaved her balls and now they itch so she tells Victory to blow her since the hat is now rightfully hers.
Mary J. Blige has been livin’ hard, yo!
Nico and Kirby are still going at it hard, skunking, poodle balling, pulling the blinds, dirty sanchezzing, snow blowing, riding the ‘coptor, etc.
This is how she got to be such a high powered executive. Multitasking!
Back at Mariska’s duplex in Queens, Wendy is asking her former nanny why she would write such vile, vicious, angry truths about her? The nanny cries and refuses to answer and is saved when Carmine Ragusa pulls up in a shiny new Corvette to protect his lady love. He tells Wendy to take a long walk off a short pier since Mariska doesn’t work for her any longer.
Wendy steps up to the man, towering over him by a good 2 feet and threatens the little man by telling him that she’ll make sure that he never gets a publisher in that city. As Wendy starts to walk away Carmine informs Wendy that they already have a publisher and her reputation ain’t worth squat, ya see!
“I left the Joe Pesci lookalike contest for this?”
Victory follows Ferociouca down the street, devising a plan through intricate costume changes, a cast of coconsprators and a fake mustache to retrieve her hate. Before she can put “Operation Beanie Come Back To Me” into play, Ferociouca turns around and tells Victory that if she comes one step closer she will get a face full of pepper spray making her eyes and cheeks puffier than normal.
Post coitus, Nico and Kirby are lying on the floor, wrapped in a tablecloth as if it’s a warm Mexican surabi. Kirby takes his camera and starts clicking pictures of Nico, who is perfectly back lit with a warm butter filter, almost as if it were planned. Nico becomes embarrassed and asks Kirby to stop since she hasn’t taken photos like this since her husband sent in photos of her to Beaver Hunt 3 years ago.
“You know what’s really scary? I never did find that orange.”
It’s obviously bring your daughter to work day since Wendy’s daughter is in her office eating whatever scraps of food she can dig out of the bottom of her mom’s Birken bag. When Wendy realizes that her daughter is faint from hunger she starts to make her a sandwich but is interrupted by Manny with news about the book. He informs Wendy that the publisher is Bainridge Press, home of Janice Lasher, Wendy’s sworn arch nemesis. Wendy previously passed on Janice’s Hilary Clinton tell all, which turned out to be a pack of lies, much like the campaign, and Janice has never forgiven Wendy.
Later that evening Wendy is ruminating in her office when her prepubescent assistant comes in and asks if he can be untied now so he can go home. Wendy acquiesces but first asks him to retrieve the number for Janice Lasher. It’s in her drawer, at her home, at her beach house.
“If you weren’t holding my Visa I would quit this job SO hard!”
Nico is called into Hector’s office for a late night beat down after he saw the proposed layouts for the Prince William shoot and found them objectionable since only one of the Prince’s balls were covered in honey and only two midgets were supposed to be licking it off. Nico tries to tell Hector that she wanted to be edgy, but Hector tells her that the Prince’s idea of edgy is loafers without socks, and neon blazers, Sheila E and a black partner that will later do infomercials. The Prince just got the Miami Vice box set. It’s huge in London. Hector asks what has gotten into Nico lately since she’s more free spirited and unreserved as if she had recently found something new, and young and almost completely hairless to play with.
“You better watch how you talk to me or I’ll cut off your arms and your legs. Is that what you want? You want to live in a box? Do ya?!”
Wendy gives her old friend Janice a call to talk things out like mature and rational adults. Wendy tries to tell Janice about the script that came across her desk and is immediately interrupted by Janice, played with by Lorraine Braco, who is slowly turning into Brenda Viccaro more and more each day. Janice asks Wendy if she is calling to put in a bid for to make the manuscript into a movie, but Wendy informs her that Faye Dunaway already made that movie. Janice doesn’t have time for chitchat and asks Wendy to call back in August when she’ll have more time to kick back with a glass of whiskey and a pack of Marlboro Reds and talk.
“Send over a redhead this time and make sure she’s not as big of a prude as the last one. I like it rough and I like it nasty and she better be ready for that.”
Victory and Mr. Big-Lite are on a date and she is still obsessing about this whole hat situation. Mr. Big-Lite encourages Victory to go back to this drag queen’s apartment and offer a thousand dollars for the hat and it will all be over since drag queens like money. What he doesn’t realize is that they like accessories even more. Victory tries to explain to him that the hat means something to her as it was the last thing she designed before making it big in the real world. She tells Mr. Big-Lite that she came to this city with nothing but her dance belt and a tube of Chap Stick and by gum she made something of herself. Joe encourages Victory to go back to the drag queen and in lieu of the money, tell her that same story and when she drops dead from boredom, Victory can just take the hat.
Woody and Sun Yi out on the town.
Wendy is in bed with her husband pouring through the pages of the manuscript, and obsessing about the chapter dedicated to her thick eyebrows and pushy overbearing stage mother. Shane encourages Wendy to put it down and get some sleep, but Wendy can’t just let it go. Shane tries to seduce Wendy to make her stop reading, but it doesn’t work to make her stop knitting or doing the dishes so his attempt is fruitless. Wendy comes to a section regarding a large fight that she and Shane had while on vacation and realizes that Mariska was not with them on that trip so some limey bastard must have told her about it. But whom? Whom!?
“If you don’t know, I’m not gonna tell you. It wasn’t what you said, it was the way you said it.”
The next day the ladies are together doing their yearly pilates class and complaining about how everything is wrong in their lives. Their purses aren’t big enough for all of their disposable income, they have hot sex with increasingly attractive men and their diamond shoes are too tight. In the middle of the gabfest, Victory receives a call from Bergdorf’s asking her to bring in some new sketches for them to review, so Victory has to jet and attempt to draw up some new sketches. Wendy then receives a call and it is from her former nanny Mariska, who is crying and apologizing.
Back at the casa de Nico, she is exfoliating, plucking, scrubbing and making herself stink real pretty for her husband who doesn’t seem to notice or care. While her husband may be flaccid and dull as dish water, he does have insight into Hector’s mentality when he mentions something about Hector being an uptight British prude which gives Nico and idea.
Victory is still on a mission to retrieve her hat from this vicious tranny. No not Brooke Shields, the other one. Victory arrives at the tranny’s apartment building just in time to see an ancient Jewish lady entering a car and driving off wearing her hat. Victory is able to track down the woman at her synagogue and is told that that sweet, angular, single gal in her building gave her the hat as a gift. Victory offers the Jewish woman any amount of money for the hat and in true Jewish fashion the woman is not swayed by cash. That’s just not their culture.
Time has not been kind to Laverne Horowitz or Shirley Bromstein
Wendy drags her husband to Mariska’s house since the former nanny always liked Shane and Wendy knows that he can reason with her. Wendy is still confused about which lanky, bird-like, British twit leaked information about her, until Shane finally confesses that he used to confide in Mariska when Wendy would make him upset. Like the time she forgot their anniversary or delayed a second in responding when he asked her if he looked fat. Wendy is shocked since she never saw that one comin’, although all of us did, and leaves in an angry snit, leaving Shane standing alone in the Flushing projects.
“You can’t just leave me here. The Puerto Rican Transvestites will use me like currency!”
Victory is frantically calling her ex-assistant Reese to help her retrieve her stupid hat. Reese doesn’t have time to chat and offers to call Victory back since Reese is busy interviewing for a job using Victory’s stolen sketches.
Nico is working and receives an IM from Kirby containing a picture of her hot, bare, ass. While she admires the George Michael-like curvature of her milkshake, Victory suddenly comes in and asks to use Nico’s computer.
“Damn it, he didn’t even get my beaver. I’ll never get to meet Larry Flynt.”
Wendy is back at work when her husband walks in, freshly mugged and multiply raped. Shane sits down gingerly and apologizes for confiding in the nanny, but Wendy hurt his feelings by taking off to fix some movie and in-turn postponing her daughter’s birthday party. Shane tells Wendy that he was just angry then and knows that Wendy is a good mother, unlike Shaft who was a bad mother. He encourages Wendy to take down Janice Lasher if that’s what it takes and promises to stand by her looking haggard and scruffy for as long as it takes.
Back at Nico’s office, Victory is obsessively looking up information about this damn hat on the Wide, Wide World of the Interweb when Nico stops her and reminds Victory that the hat means nothing as is not even an interesting plot device. It’s behind her, like her fat ass and Victory has to look forward where he saggy breasts dangle. The two ladies have their heart to heart interrupted when the intercom announces that Hector is on his way in for a meeting.
The following business meeting takes place between 6 PM and 7 PM.
Victory leaves and Hector informs Nico that Prince William signed a contract with Bonfire and will be appearing on the cover of next month’s Bonfire. This should be good news, but Nico went behind Hector’s back to do it and that is some crap with up which he will not put. Nico stands her ground and reminds Hector that he used to trust her and if he no longer does, then she should go back to her job demo-ing cuticle scrapers at the mall. Hector stares for a moment before walking out of her office leaving Nico wondering what priggish, British hell she’s in for tomorrow.
Wendy enters Janice Lasher’s office full of bravado and mascara. Wendy reminds Janice that if a man canceled a birthday party for his kid no one would think twice about it, but when a woman does it she’s a pariah. Janice reminds Wendy that she is the antagonist of the show and not Wendy’s therapist, before Wendy rises to leave, grabbing her enormous handbag on the way out. Wendy tells Janice to go ahead and publish the book but reminds Janice that it will be her legacy of bashing successful women just like Burt Reynolds. When Wendy walks out of the office she begins to cry but steadies herself with thoughts of puppies being euthanized and giggles just a little. All the pictures are caught on camera by a mysterious paparazzo from across the street.
Wendy cries but is lucky enough to have Bea Arthur’s hand to wipe away her tears.
Nico has had a full day: wooing a prince, screwing a photographer and posing for Internet porn. She enters the elevator to find Hector inside the car alone and Nico enters for the long awkward, ride to hell. Hector grabs the emergency stop button and Nico rolls her eyes but begins to take off her panties. Hector speaks and tells Nico that he had started looking for a new person to fill her job by posting an ad on Craigslist. He says that she is smart and talented by even the most brilliant team players have a coach and a plan and can’t win the game playing alone. All of these sports metaphors are lost on Nico but he tells her to not be such a bitch and listen to him and she’ll be fine.
“Love in an elevator, livin’ it up while I’m goin’ down.”
Mr. Big-Small arrives at Victory’s apartment with take-out food, a lot of fake charm and most important of all, the hat that she’s been chasing for days. Victory begins to cry and tells Joe that just a year ago she was on top of the world with 12 stores, magazine covers and an assistant that would never steal and now he has to come along and constantly save her. Joe reminds Victory that he’s not saving her; he’s actually saving himself or some such nonsense. They kiss and I throw up in my mouth a little. Not from the show, although that didn’t help. I think I just had some bad shrimp.
“Seriously? This hat? Really? Come on!”
Later we see the three girls striding down the street arm in arm demonstrating all the girl power they possess. Nico casually mentions something about her dissatisfaction with her husband and how it’s not natural for people to get everything from one person. When her two friends overreact, she reminds them that she’s just talking nonsense and distracts the girls with mention of marguerites.
Back at Janice Lasher’s office, she is viewing the pictures of Wendy crying outside of her office and informs her assistant to send one of them to Page Six with the caption “Tsunami for Bad Mommy.” I would have personally gone with “Mommy Weepest” or “Puddle of Muddah.”
“Are you looking at my wrinkled, mole covered, ample cleavage? Why not?”
So what did you think? Will Nico’s husband find out about her torrid affair with Malcom in the Middle? Will Wendy’s book be published by Harvey Firestein? Will Nico find true love and happiness with Anthony Michael Hall? Tune in next week to find out. In the meantime, please leave a comment. I’m beggin’ ya!