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Shoes. Clothing sales. Fluffy pillows. Chocolate. George Clooney. The Notebook. Puppies. Michael Bolton. Ross and Rachael. Flower deliveries. Bubble baths. More stuff chicks dig after the jump.
Nico is having wet dreams about her most recent tryst with Kirby when her husband wakes her up. Nico sits up in the wet spot and tries to put the moves on Blandy McDishwater since he’s the nearest man but her husband says he already showered and she’s a mess down there. The main reason he woke her up is so that she can take a look at her best friend Wendy’s picture on Page Six.
“Damn, did you spill cantaloupe juice in the bed?”
Wendy’s daughter is reading the article aloud at the breakfast table before Wendy tries to change the subject to something lighter like Nico’s affair or daddy’s unemployment. Wendy’s daughter mentions how much she will be teased at school because of her mother’s centerfold in the New York Post. The Post! For shame. Wendy’s daughter mentions that she would be fine if she had a cell phone to call for help but Wendy won’t let her get one because Wendy knows that she would spend all her time calling the David Archuletta hotline. Wendy’s daughter reminds her mom that she can’t just pick and choose when she wants to be a good mom, she has to keep it going on a regular basis like Brooke Shield’s mom used to.
I’ve already decided that if he doesn’t win, I’m going to adopt him.
Victory stumbles out of her limo covered in cigarette butts and semen to find her 9 AM interview waiting for her a half hour early. Victory ushers him inside and tries to start the interview while counting her birth control pills and wondering where she left her bra. The interviewee tells Victory that his father owns a large textile company somewhere in the Deep South judging by his fake accent, but he moved to New York to pursue his own career in fashion and to be able to stay out past 9 on a school night. While they talk Victory’s phone rings and the interviewee, Josh, offers to answer it for her. Josh answers the phone to find Joe’s, AKA Mr. Big-Lite’s nappy headed ho of an assistant on the other end. She tells Josh that Joe is calling for Victory and there is a dramatic standoff where neither assistant will put their liege on the phone until the other person comes on the line. Josh wins this game of assistant chicken and Mr. Big-Lite comes on the line prompting Victory to hire Josh on the spot.
“According to your resume, you’re looking at my cleavage.”
Nico, Patty and Kirby are waiting for Prince William and setting up the shot by tastefully arranging the used condoms and fake toilet. Patty says she needs more urine soaked rags but Kirby is too distracted looking at Nico. Kirby offers to retrieve the items that Patty requested from the storage room and Nico offers to go “help” him. Downstairs Kirby pins Nico up against a window while he pleasures her orally, and not with a ring ding if you know what I mean. I mean he performed cunilingus. And by that, I mean he ate her out. After he’s full, Nico comes down the stairs to see Hector and Mike waiting for the prince to arrive. Nico’s hair is tossled, her lipstick smeared and she’s walking with a distinct limp, which all makes Mike suspect something is up. When Kirby exits the office right after Nico, wiping his mouth and picking a curly blond hair from between his teeth, Mike realizes something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
That’s the most action that cougar has seen since Donald Trump banged Leona Helmsley up against that very window.
Wendy’s hobbit of an assistant, Josh, is so totally PO’d about the Page Six story that he tears up his newspaper, other than the want ads and Liz Smith’s interview with national treasure Faith Ford. Manny strides over and informs Wendy that the young, hot, Disney starlet Abby Garcia, but for the sake of this recap we’re going to call her Mary Jo Idaho, called to express interest in the lead in Wendy’s sexy new erotic thriller Up the Butt 2: The Eroticism and Thrilleriness Continues. Wendy dismisses this offer since Idaho was performing with a felt pig just 2 years ago on the Disney Channel. Hey whatever gets ya there. Manny tells Wendy that Mary Jo Idaho will be at a power lunch later that day and she can meet her and her pushy overbearing stage mother then.
Wendy’s assistant is frustrated that The Family Circus isn’t funny yet again.
Victory and Wendy are at Saks Fifth Avenue for retail therapy when one of the clerks recognizes Wendy from the paper but turns out the clerk just thought Wendy was Cindy Adams. Wendy asks Victory what is the appropriate age for a cell phone and victory suggest six since you shouldn’t have a phone before you lose your virginity. Nico joins the gals and they immediately ask her questions such as “how was he?” “Was he completely hairless?” “Did he call you Mum?” “Did you have to get on one knee?” Nico assumed they are inquiring about Kirby but the ladies are of course asking about the Prince and Nico tells them that he was Princely and reserved.
Right then Nico receives a text from Kirby asking her for some afternoon delight, but she covers and tells them that it was a message regarding the Women in the Media luncheon. Wendy says she is not going because of the bad press but Nico reminds her that the best way to get over bad publicity is to show up some place looking fabulous. It certainly works for George Bush. The conversation turns to Victory’s new super-rich boyfriend but she doesn’t want to share any information since their relationship is so new and they can simply download the streaming videos on Bukaki.com. The ladies demand to meet her new boyfriend to judge and berate him like true friends do so they organize a dinner party at Nico’s house the following evening.
“God, I wish these came in a size 19.”
Nico returns to her office to find Kirby waiting for her shaking, twitching and licking his lips repeating, “me like pretty lady!” Kirby tells Nico that he has the proofs from the prince shoot and she needs to approve them. Nico brings Kirby in the office and tries to remain professional as Kirby takes out his ball gag and riding crop.
Nico reminds Kirby that she can’t continue to risk having sex in her office since that’s what got Pauly Shore fired from her job. Kirby asks if she will polish him off later and Nico agrees since all she has to do is just lie there.
Wow, this is the first time I’ve ever won a game of Mystery Date.
Victory and Mr. Big-Lite just finished up some awkward, pasty sex when she tells him about the dinner party the following evening. Joe attempts to decline stating that he is busy but Victory already cleared his schedule with his assistant and bought him a new pepper spray key chain since he’ll be going to Nico’s house, which is in a bad neighborhood. Mr. Big-Lite can’t weasel his way out of this one so he agrees as long as she’ll do that thing he likes. Victory turns her eyelids inside out and says “I’m a zombie, grrr, argh!” and Joe giggles like a child.
“Joe, don’t freak out. It’s called ‘vagina dentata’ and more women than you think have it.”
Back at the Bonfire offices, Nico calls Patty to ask her if she has Prince Andrew in a can and if there’s any way she could bring a different assistant to her next photo shoot. Patty doesn’t understand the sudden distaste for Kirby, especially since the fact that he went down on her will be in Page Six tomorrow with the caption “Tongue Twirly for Executive Girly.” Patty tries to narrow down why Nico doesn’t want Kirby to come back. “Did he call the Prince Big Willy to his face? Did he grope the royal jewels, and by that I mean the prince’s testicles? And by that I mean his balls.”
Nico fumbles over her words but Patty luckily fills in the blanks for her. “Did he disappear too often during the shoot only to reappear with wet lips and scuffed knees? Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it.” Nico thanks Patty for her understanding. When Kirby hangs up with Patty she sees that Kirby is calling her cell phone but ignores the call.
“A black shirt and je….I really think you have the wrong number.”
Mr. Big-Small gets Victory out of bed at the crack of dawn in order for her to meet his friends who happen to live in France. Victory puts up a meek fight but quickly gives in and hops on his private jet. Once in France Joe takes Victory to her personal Graceland: Coco Chanel’s workshop. Victory wows and marvels at the sewing machine and riding crop that Coco used to beat her servants, before thanking Joe with a celebratory bang in Coco’s bed.
Wendy is at the annual Harsh Women with Severe Make-Up in Media Luncheon and has brought along her daughter to prove that there are no visible scars. Wendy runs in to Nico who gives her the long, ghost-like heads up that Janice Lasher is at the party and she’s wearing white after Labor Day. Isn’t it technically always after Labor Day? Wendy is interrupted by Mary Jo Idaho’s mom who is thrilled to finally get a chance to speak with Wendy in person after leaving so many voicemails, messages, e-mails and bloody teddy bears on her door step.
Mrs. Idaho pulls Wendy over to her table and begins pimping out her daughter for Wendy’s next big project. Wendy tries to use her daughter as a human shield but when Wendy’s daughter won’t come when she’s called with the whistle Wendy gets very angry and yells at her in front of everyone at the party, further advancing the suspicions that she’s a horrible mother.
“Waiter, another glass of essence of puppy! NOW!”
Later at the luncheon Nico finishes up her speech on how to subtly berate underlings before she introduces Wendy. During the introduction Idaho’s mom leans over and reminds Wendy’s daughter to blow her mother a great big kiss when she walks on stage.
Wendy’s daughter realizes that the only reason she was brought to the party was so she could smile, curtsey and make everyone think that Wendy was a good mother. Wendy’s daughter takes off the new shoes that her mother bought for her and walks out of the room and slams the door just as Wendy is taking the stage.
“……..and as long as you bring a fresh pair of panties and some room deodorizer no one will be the wiser. Thank you and good night.”
Wendy finishes her speech and races to find her daughter as soon as she thinks about it. While looking for Maddie, Janice Lasher walks by and comments on Wendy’s feeble attempt to pull a Joan Crawford by posing for pictures with her daughter beside the pool. Janice wanders into the bathroom to drop a Stanley Steamer and leaves her coat lying on the table in the hallway next to Wendy.
Wendy exits a moment later and tells Nico that Maddie left and she has to go find her before rushing out of the room. Janice enters the room shortly after to murmurs and a lot of extras saying “sweet potato, sweet potato.” When Janice turns around to find out why all the extras are speaking in her presence we see that Wendy scrawled “bitch” in red lipstick across the back of her jacket.
Paris Hilton’s clothing line isn’t taking off for some reason.
Back in France, Victory and Joe are having a post coital snack consisting of French fries, French toast with fresh French dressing, when Victory mentions that she needs to start looking for her underwear so they can make it back to New York in time for the party at Nico’s place.
Mr. Big-Lite says that hers is a viable option with many positives, however another choice is for them to stay in Paris and cancel the party. Victory realizes that he brought her to Paris and showed her Coco’s loft as a very extreme way of worming out of the party, and she’s not going to stand for it. She instructs Joe to get up and get dressed since they have a party to get to.
“This reminds me of my dad. He was headless too.”
Back in the good ol’ NYC (represent!) Wendy is getting dressed and talking about Maddie’s snotty little attitude and combination skin with Shane. Maddie is having a slumber party at her friend Ivanka Trump’s house and doesn’t want to speak with Wendy anytime soon. Shane takes advantage of the fact that the kids are out of the house by pouncing on Wendy and humping her leg violently while inhaling ether. “Don’t you look at me!”
I know I shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, but this book looks awesome!
After Wendy gets some pale, hairy love sticking, she and Shane arrive at Nico’s apartment, and as is customary in most social circles, bring a bottle of wine and a mock-up of the new tell all book that Janice Lasher had it sent over. Wendy questions her own motives for taking Maddie to the luncheon, wondering if she was really trying to expose her daughter to culture and successful women or just trotting out her show pony for the media to see that there are no cigarette burns. Nico defends Wendy’s actions saying that if she were in Wendy’s place she would have taken all of her kids, some Cambodian refugees and a basket of puppies.
Shortly after Victory and Joe arrive at the party. Joe immediately pulls Nico aside and asks her if she could adjust the thermostat by four degrees, let him know how long dinner will last and if she could turn the lights down about 10 years. Victory is embarrassed and nervous about Joe’s incessant negotiating but Wendy calms her saying that they need to get to know Joe for who he really is, nervous ticks, annoying requests and all.
“If you’re so rich why haven’t you bought yourself a chin?”
The doorbell rings again and Nico goes to answer to find Kirby standing on her doorstep looking shaky and angry which really works for him. He asks Nico what she said to Patty to make her fire him and refuse to give him a recommendation.
Nico pulls Kirby into the hall and tries to get him to leave by telling him that they will talk the following day. Nico’s husband opens the door and asks if everything is OK. Nico insists that she is and finally convinces Kirby to leave. The apartment door opens again and Leslie Neilson leans out telling Nico “Good luck. We’re all pulling for you.”
“Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Lord and s…..why haven’t you returned my calls?”
Later at the dinner party Wendy and Nico try to get to the core of Joe by asking questions but once they get there only find viscous black goo. Joe redeems himself by implying that Victory is helping to soften him and he looks forward to turning into mushy, soft-bellied losers like Victory and Wendy’s husbands. Nico tries to prod more encouraging Joe to spill some dirt about his personal life such as an affair with a photographer or accidentally stabbing a hobo, but no luck. Joe seems to be a decent guy and good for Victory, so the ladies approve. Doesn’t hurt that he has like a fidoodlybillion dollars either.
During the limo ride home Victory thanks Joe for being charming and impressing his friends. She begins talking about the next time they all get together, but Joe doesn’t understand why he has to see them again. He met them, schmoozed them, and impressed them so he should be done. Victory gets offended that Joe isn’t as in love with her friends as she is and declines Joe’s offer to come into his mansion for a nightcap consisting of Schlitz Malt Liquor Talls and Bosco.
The sexiest series in primetime.
Nico enters her office the next morning to find Kirby waiting and looking like so totally PO’d. Nico says that she has spent the morning calling around to try and find Kirby a job but no luck with either Chelsea Guys Escorts or Hooters, her primary contacts. She dutifully writes her butt boy a check to tide him over until he can find work and asks him to leave and not to let the door hit him in his sexy ass on the way out.
Kirby exits the room with his head hung down like an injured puppy dog and ignorantly tears up the check out of pride. Nico’s arch nemesis Mike witnesses Kirby leaving and hops in the elevator with Kirby to try and gleam some information.
What exactly did she write in the memo section?
The next day Victory is watching an old movie about a young girl’s rise to fame in Dallas when her door bell rings. Joe’s assistant enters with two burly deliverymen wheeling in a large crate on a dolly. That’s so sweet. He bought her Hannibal Lecter as a gift. Actually when the deliverymen open the crate and remove the packing peanuts Victory sees that it is the sizing mannequin that she saw in Coco Chanel’s loft in Paris.
Victory’s eyes well with tears but still demands that they wrap up the gift and send it back to Coco. Victory’s assistant tries to convince her to keep the gift and at least put it on ebay for a day or so. Victory begins to sob and her assistant, being a true southern gentleman, pulls out a linen hanky for Victory to dab her eyes and blow her nose on.
What do you get for the girl who has everything? A decapitated corpse from Paris.
In Wendy’s office Mary Jo Idaho and her mother are in for a meeting. Wendy gives Idaho a script and says that she thinks the movie they originally requested is a little too much for a girl of Idaho’s age so she found this script instead. It’s a script based on a series of young-adult fiction novels much like A Series of Unfortunate Events, or Narnia, or The Golden Compass so the script is sure to suck. Mary Jo is excited about the script but Idaho’s mom is set on her daughter playing a Poison-Ivyish tramp in the new erotic thriller.
Mrs. Idaho shows Wendy how much she has done to prepare her daughter for the role by removing several silicone implants from her bag and laying them on the table and letting Wendy pick which one would look best on Mary Jo Idaho for the role.
Wendy immediately calls in her Rugrats assistant and asks him to take Mary Jo Idaho to meet the director of the kid’s movie that she wants the girl to star in. When the girl leaves Wendy tells Mrs. Idaho that she can tell that Mary Jo’s mom wants the erotic thriller role much more than her daughter does and there is nothing worse than forcing a child to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable. She can’t try to turn her daughter into an adolescent sex symbol by making her run around topless on a beach or talk about the fact that nothing comes between her and her Calvins. Hector Projector much?
This is a smart way to cut the running time of the Miss America pageant down to 3 minutes.
Janice is pouring over photographs of Hilary Clinton slapping a meter maid and Ruth Bader Ginsburg spitting in the face of a gas station attendant when Nico enters her office channeling Alexis Carrington. Nico tells Janice that the feud between Wendy and Janice has escalated too far and it needs to stop before someone gets hurt. Janice reminds Nico that she may be a big-shot editor now but she used to be a poor girl from Flushing Queens whose daddy ran a diner. Do the lamb chops stills scream, Nico? Janice also tells Nico that Wendy previously went on the record stating that “Janice Lasher published nothing but trash,” which coincidentally caused her sales to shoot through the roof. Regardless of that fact, Wendy didn’t mind trashing Janice and Janice states that she is just returning the favor.
When Janice screams for her assistant to come in and massage her feet and do her keegle exercises for her a chubby sweater-vest enthusiast comes in the room. Janice asks where her assistant Nora is and Nico tells her that she just poached Nora to do nothing but write Janice Lasher stories for Bonfire and there are quite a few, including a particularly humiliating story about three midgets and lazy-eyed goat at a bachelor party and pictures of Janice weeping while exiting “How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days” on opening night. Nico tells Janice that she had to do this because Wendy is her friend and corporate blackmail is what friends do for each other. Janice would know that if she had any outside of her World of Warcraft playgroup.
“I know I’m not ‘TV pretty’ but I am proficient in Word, Microsoft Excel and I can take a cell phone hurled at my head like nobody’s business.”
Victory answers her door to find Mr. Big-Lite acting contrite on her doorstep. Joe doesn’t realize why Victory is so angry and she informs him that it’s because he doesn’t want to be a part of her world. One moment he’s jetting off to London to see Harry Potter screw a horse and the next night he flew his jet up to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun.
Joe tries to remind Victory that his day starts at the crack of dawn and usually ends at the crack of dawn the next day and when he’s finally done he doesn’t want to make small talk with B-list players, preferring to spend quality time with his lady love and his Blackberry. Unfortunately that won’t change so he kisses Victory and leaves.
“Joe, did you cut one? It’s ok if you did. Just be honest about it.”
Wendy comes home to find her daughter reading the Janice Lasher book about her mom. Wendy apologizes for taking her daughter to the luncheon because she has finally realized it was for the wrong reasons. Wendy tried to convince herself that it was for her daughter’s benefit but ended up giving Page Six more dirt. Her daughter says that it wasn’t entirely her mom’s fault since she acted like a total brat.
They reconcile when Maddie tells her mom that she noticed how good she had it when she saw Mary Jo Idaho’s mom pulling carbs out of her daughter’s mouth and slapping her hand anytime she tried to steal smokes from the caterers. Wendy’s daughter doesn’t want to live that way and is glad that her mom lets her get fat and mingle with the help.
“OK, truth or dare?”
“Do you think I’m pretty?”
“Eeessh. Um…….hmmmmm. Dare.”
Nico brings in the article from the Prince William photo shoot to Hector’s office feeling that the work will knock his argyles off. Hector tosses aside the article and says that they have more pressing issues to discuss. He asks her if she knows a young man named Kirby Atwood and Nico feins ignorance stating, “isn’t he the fifth Beatle. The name of a constellation? Who are people I haven’t slept with? Things you do during a photo shoot!” Hector asks Nico why, if she has never met the man, is he claiming that she sexually harassed him?
“I did not have sexual relations with that man. I did make out with Monica Lewinsky at a kegger once.”
What did you think? Is the jig up with Nico’s affair? Will her husband find out and take everything she owns so he can finally afford a personality? Are things really over between Victory and Joe? Will Wendy find a base that’s closer to her natural skin tone? Find out these and many more on next week’s episode, but until then why don’t you leave a comment.