Lipstick Jungle: People With Better Lives Than You

The women of Lipstick Jungle are truly Outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

We pick up right where we left off last week with Hector inquiring Nico as to why a sexy, love-interest with great hair is claiming that she sexually harassed him. Nico plays dumb and Hector believes her offering to stand behind her and fight this claim to the bitter, salty tasting end. He offers to take the burden away from Nico so that she can focus on work while he man-handles this smooth boy the proper British way.

“I’d personally down his bangers and mash with a good old sticky widget, I would.”

Later Wendy gathers the ladies together for a sneak-peak viewing of her new period piece, Love in the Time of Herpes, One Girl’s Strange, Erotic Journey from Bombay to Budapest. Victory says that she loved the shoes and how people were walking around on the shoes and wearing the shoes. Nico adds that it was powerful and sexy, like Dame Judy Dench. Nico also interjects the fact that she’s been boning a 25 year old, also just like Dame Judy Dench. When the ladies try and question Nico about her illicit affair, Wendy’s assistant toddles in with the butt flap of his jamies hanging open and tells Wendy that her next appointment is waiting. Wendy hurls her cell phone at her assistant and warns him that she will literally kill him with a shiv if he doesn’t leave. The assistant leaves sucking his thumb and Nico mentions the teensy weensy little sexual harassment suit.

“See the real genius comes in because Ernest is scared stupid and that’s the actual title of the film.”

Later at a bar Nico recounts how the affair happened: copious booze, 2 Quaaludes and a rented room at the Double Tree Inn all conspired to create a magical evening. Victory confesses that she feels betrayed since Nico didn’t feel that she could tell her, although to be fair Victory never told her friends about her torrid affair with the old man from the Six Flags commercials. Nico tells her friends that she wants to speak with Kirby to figure out why he filed the sexual harassment suit, Victory thinks that’s a good idea and Wendy thinks it’s awful recommending that Nico let her company take care of it just like when they buy her new assistants each time the last one mysteriously disappears.

After the ladies put Nico in a cab they begin talking about her behind her back. They both agree that she’s a slut, not doubt about that, but can’t agree on the rationale behind her actions. Victory claims that she would never cheat on her husband but Wendy reminds Victory that she’s just young, single, and no one will ever love her.

“Did you see what she was wearing? I heard she like totally did it with the entire accounting department. She’s such a slut.”

When Wendy gets home she finds her husband dutifully doing laundry whilst wearing the French Maid uniform that Wendy makes him don each day when he does chores. Wendy, like any man, is turned on by the site and seduces her husband telling him to bang her up against the washing machine. He complies and they both lose themselves in the moment with Wendy screaming, “Sometimes I want to run over you with my car!” and Shane shouting “I only married you for the Green card!”

Finally! A film version of Love in the Spin Cycle.

Later Joe, AKA Mr. Big-Lite arrives at Victory’s apartment for his weekly apology. Joe says that he will hang out with Victory’s friends if that’s what it takes for them to stay coital, but Victory is just drunk enough to tell him that that won’t be necessary since he farts when he’s nervous. She does inquire as to why Joe has never married and if the chronic gas weren’t enough, he tells Victory that as a businessman he never commits to anything unless he’s sure of the return, meaning butt-sex at least twice a week. Victory finds this insanely romantic so she straps one on.

“Yea, I was in a little movie called Weekend at Bernie’s. You may have heard of it. For God sake, I’m Dustin Diamond then. Just give me a damn reservation!”

Nico comes home to find her husband pouring over term papers, many scented with perfume and all bearing lipstick kisses. Nico debates for a moment and then decided not to tell him anything about the sexual harassment suit, or the hobo she hit with her car or the island she purchased with Oprah.

The next morning when Wendy clomps into her office she is accosted by Manny regarding her latest film. He recommends going for a small art-house release, like I am Legend, but Wendy is determined to go ahead with her big premier party since she feels the film could be the next big sleeper hit like Everybody Humps Raymond. Also Wendy reminds Manny that she has the star, Chloe Jameson, confirmed to appear at the premier and obviously Chloe is akin to Scarlet Johansen in this woman-dominated universe.

“Whoa! Who dropped the deuce in the terlet, yo?”

Meanwhile Nico comes into Hector’s lair to meet the company’s lawyer. They inform her that Kirby turned down the settlement offer of a lifetime subscription to Bonfire magazine and 2 coupons to The Sizzler. Hector asks Nico of there is any ounce of truth to his claim and Nico chooses to ride her lie until the wheels fall off. Hector informs the lawyer that it is time to bring out the big guns and do whatever it takes to make this lawsuit go away. Magazine subscription, coupons and a complete set of steak knives that can cut a tin can in half.

“Yes, I AM a lawyer.”

Back at the Wendy household, the family is enjoying their dinner, which Wendy called for herself, when they see Chloe Jameson being interviewed on Access Hollywood. They inquire about Bombay Highway, her relationship with skeezy “it” boy Deagon McNeal and most importantly who she will be wearing to the premier, other than Deagon. Wendy immediately gets a flash of inspiration and calls Victory to request that she design a dress for Chloe to wear to the premier. The dress will be seen by millions, photographed by hundreds and ripped off by 3 busboys so Victory ecstatically accepts the challenge.

“Honey, the tiny little people in the picture radio are talking to us again.”

The next day Nico comes in her office to find Condaleeza Lawyer waiting for her. Lawyer tells Nico that there is more bad news since a witness is claiming to have seen Nico and Kirby at Internet launch party drinking, laughing and eventually slinking off to the bathroom together. Before Nico can offer an explanation Condaleeza makes up one saying that obviously Kirby made an unwanted advance and now feels spurned since Nico shot him down as any married woman would do. Condaleeza gives Nico an affidavit to that effect and all Nico has to do is sign it and Kirby will be dragged through the mud and ruined like Dodi Fayed. Condaleeza leaves and Nico tries to give Kirby a call but is unable to speak when he answers.

“As a lawyer I will law him until he jurice prudences with heretofore mentioned objections. I am a Lawyer!”

Downtown in the fashion district Victory and her assistant Roy the slack jawed yokel are shopping for fabric: leather, lace and an uncomfortable amount of rubber, to make Chloe’s dress when Victory sees the bitch she hates in the store. Right behind that bitch Carol Channing is an even bigger bitch, Lana Von Furstenshitz from Women’s Apparel Weekly who is the number one authority in made-up fashion magazines. Victory wants to run and hide due to Lana’s most recent, scathing review (“I’d vomit but that would be a waste of perfectly good puke”), but Roy, Victory’s dutiful assistant won’t let Victory go quietly into that good night. He sashays right next to Lana and speaks loudly about Chloe Jameson wearing Victory’s dress on the red carpet. Lana overhears this and spots Nico trying to blend in with the semi-Asian-looking mannequins and approaches her to get an exclusive on the new design. Victory declines gracefully but reminds Lana to be on the look-out for Victory’s new work since people will definitely be talking about it.

“Don’t you just wanna punch Carol Channing right in her smug little face?”

Nico slums it in a diner with her husband, who is charming and affectionate for this meal. While Nico and Charles talk, they are interrupted by a student of Charles’ who approaches the table and begs Charles to accept her paper a day late. It would seem that her hard drive crashed shortly after Charles came over to bang her. Charles wanders off with the student to make plans for their next tryst, mentioning the inclusion of her roommate and her sexually confused friend Tito. Nico’s heart grows three sizes when she sees how caring and compassionate her husband is with his students prompting her to sign the affidavit to make all of this go away, and in turn ruin Kirby’s life.

“If I may be so bold, your husband is hung like a rhino and bangs like a stevedore.”

Back at her apartment, Victory is sewing like the wind when Joe comes in to try and take her to lunch at this charming little penguin bistro in Antarctica. Victory will not move, eat or poop until she finishes the dress for Wendy’s party. Joe offers his advice since he has taken off more than one dress in his day, often in a hurry when he heard his mother coming into her closet. Victory holds up the dress for Joe and he says that it’s cute which is just as bad as answering when she asks if she looks fat. Victory freaks out and decides to start over, leaving Joe and Roy to wander off to ride a tandem bike and fly their kite together.

Wendy’s next big hit: TomKat, Behind the Scientology

Back at the Bonfire office Nico runs into her arch nemesis Mike Harness in the hallway. He mentions the upcoming Maybelline photo shoot, which Nico designed. Nico is shocked that Mike is being polite with her but quickly realizes that he’s still a one-dimensional douche when he comments on how excited Nico must be since Jake Gyllenhaal will be shirtless and frolicking on a beach in the ad since she seems to like young, smooth boys.

But really, who doesn’t?

Nico enters Hector’s crypt to angrily berate Hector and Condaleeza lawyer for telling Mike about the charges against her. Condaleeza lawyer rises from Hector’s feet where she is trimming his claws and swears that she didn’t tell anyone. Hector suggests that it may be possible that the plaintiff told Mike while at their weekly Young Misogynists of America Meeting.

“Lawyers like a lot of water in multiple glasses. Don’t you know anything about the U.S. Lawyer system?”

Wendy comes to Victory’s apartment to judge the dress with the critical eye of Nina Garcia and the bloated drunkenness of Michael Kors. Before the dress is revealed Victory mentions that she still hasn’t spoken to Nico after the confessions since she doesn’t agree with Nico’s actions. Wendy once again reminds Victory that she is a lonely old spinster so really has no rite to an opinion on this. Victory hangs her head in unmarried shame before revealing the dress, which elicits a confused “huh?” from Wendy.

“What exactly are the tassels used for?”

Nico comes into the bar that Kirby is working at and once she checks her top at the door finds Kirby dancing for Taiwanese businessmen on a table. She directly asks Kirby why he did it and if he realizes what a claim like this could do to her marriage and more importantly her career. He reminds Nico that she didn’t think twice about getting him fired, or any of the other nubile, impressionable young boys she bedded during her tenure at the magazine. Nico asks Kirby where he ever heard such vile, vicious truth and he tells her that Mike Harness told him about her reputation. She can’t believe he would trust Mike Harness, a misogynistic pig, over her, a philandering cheater. Kirby’s boss yells at him and says that Tim Gunn is requesting a private show in the champagne room. Kirby excuses himself since he tends to get fired when Nico is around.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I am on splooge mop duty tonight and some Syrian dignitaries made quite a mess in one of the buddy booths.”

According to Chuck Hezikaiah of Maybelline New York, you can look exactly like Victory with some Maybelline Volume XL Limp Plumper. Palsy face sold separately.

Back at the fashion house Victory is fitting Chloe with the dress based on Wendy’s notes (“something sexy, like Hilary Clinton would wear”). The dress is now complete with a jacket, veil and a burka. Chloe excuses herself to check a voice mail and returns crying after getting a message from her recent ex asking her to return his Three Dog Night album and Star Trek collector’s plates because some plates may go up in value. Chloe is too distraught to go to the premier but Victory encourages her to call Deagon and work things out by promising to do anything he wants no matter how degrading and vile it may sound since sex equals love.

“Help me Obi-Wendy, you’re my only hope.”

Wendy comes to Nico’s office for advice on what jewelry to wear to the party; either the Harry Winston sapphires or the sterling silver cock ring, to find Nico drinking wine from a coffee cup and snorting a couple lines of blow to dull her pain. Wendy tries to sooth Nico by reminding Nico that it may not be fair to expect her husband to fulfill all of her needs, so she can understand why Nico cheated. Wendy goes on to say that she feels the same way sometimes, but what she doesn’t get from Shane, she gets from Nico and Victory. We’re in a dark, unpleasant visual place here so we’re going to move on.

“Wendy honey, you’re really crushing my hand now. I just don’t think you know your own freakish strength.”

Later Nico and Charles are getting ready for the party by picking off the visible scabs and applying generous amounts of dippity doo. The telephone rings and when the answering machine comes on we hear Charles’ student thanking him for a lovely evening of the best sex she ever received. She goes on to say that she had never been with another woman before, but Charles was a generous and tender lover making her feel comfortable enough to explore those parts of her sexuality. Charles quickly turns off the machine and mentions that she must have gotten his number from Google, but Nico is beginning to grow suspicious.

“Oh my God: The late meetings, the last minute business trips, a female student calling him at home. It all makes sense now. He’s a workaholic!”

Later at the party, Nico and Charles are enjoying the belly dancers and fire breathers, and watching Joan Rivers go ape shit on the free shrimp bar, when Hector comes up to pull Nico away for a private word. He tells Nico that Kirby has dropped the charges against her so everything is back to normal. Hector is thrilled how easy it is too overcome a sexual harassment claim so he decides to go give that coat check boy the “what for” in the bathroom. Nico walks back up to her husband who tells her that he would like to leave since he’s feeling a bit gassy and needs to go have an affair with one of the many students that he is currently schtuping on a regular basis. Nico sends him on his way but has suspicions that he is not telling her everything.

“I’m leaving the party early as well to go and make passionate love to your husband.”

Josh finds Wendy and tells her that Victory and Chloe are outside in the limo and there’s a slight emergency involving alcohol and a blond starlet. Wendy rushes to the limo to find Chloe drunker than Paris Hilton at a lesbian bar on nickel night. It would seem that the call with Deagon didn’t go very well and Chloe decided to drown her sorrows in O’dulls. Wendy demands that the driver go around to the side entrance so that the paparazzi won’t get pictures of Chloe drunk or pictures of her pudendum when exiting the car. Victory tells Wendy no, since she worked really hard to get her dress photographed and the two start arguing. Victory says that Wendy treats her like a baby sister and Wendy says that Victory acts like a spoiled brat and mom always liked her best. While the two argue, Chloe spots her ex-boyfriend entering the party with his new stripper girlfriend, Vulvica A. Fierce. Chloe climbs into the abandoned driver’s seat and tries to drive away but pulls an Austin Powers when she hits the car in front of her and then reverses to hit the car behind her.

“Seriously, why do they put these ladies in High-Def?”

Down on the set of NYPD Blue, Chloe gets mug shots taken while Wendy works to get her bailed out. Wendy receives a call from Manny, and while she expects to be chastised as a bad little girl, he raves about the publicity and assures Wendy that it will translate to box office gold. Chloe couldn’t have done better if she had been caught getting a blow job from a black hooker.

Box office gold my friend. Box office gold.

When Chloe is finally released the policeman, I’m assuming his name is O’Malley, tells Chloe that there is a rabid throng of paparazzi outside waiting for her to show her puffy, drunken face. He offers to let her go out the side entrance that the black cops used to use back in the 60s but Wendy has a better idea. Wendy leads Chloe out the front door after removing the jacket of the dress to show off Chloe’s cleavage. The paps rush to Chloe and use their best journalistic skills by first asking who she is wearing.

“Well the dress is Victory Ford but the panties are straight up Sears. Holla!!”

Victory is home crying in Mr. Big-Lite’s spindly chicken arms about her fight with Wendy when she sees Chloe on the talking picture box. She hears Chloe say her name and smiles, or as close as Botox will allow. Victory texts Wendy and says she is sorry and thanks Wendy for the “shout-out” and gives Wendy “mad props” for “keeping it real” because she is Victory’s “dawg” and that’s “4 true.”

Kirby closes the bar and gathers up his few scraps of dignity after becoming the play things of Asian tourists, to find Nico waiting for him. She asks him why he dropped the charges and more importantly what he hoped to gain from this entire debacle? Kirby smiles, with that angular Hellboy jaw, and says “you.” Nico giggles and snorts before taking Kirby’s hand to walk off into the sunrise.