Little Miss Perfect: Ashley’s Mom Needs a Bra

It’s a pageant, it’s entertainment and it’s a college education. At least that’s the thinking of one pageant Mom. Can pageants really provide a good size nest egg for your darling daughter’s future? Or is it more economical to put the money in a bank and watch it earn interest, or maybe just set fire to it and watch it burn?

And in a shocking twist of events, we are once again accosted by something we thought we left behind on Episode1. That’s right, we are confronted once more by unrestrained middle aged breasts.

It’s time Gasmii, pour a strong one, grab a beer or light up your smoking materials and grab a Milky Way. It’s time to take another magic carpet ride to kiddie pageant land. Oh good, here comes our steward now. Better get your tray in the upright position.

This week’s featured victims contestants are Shelby and Hadlie. Shelby is a cute little 6 year old girl with brown hair and really pretty blue eyes. Her Mom is Tracy. Tracy is putting make-up on Shelby and says that Shelby has natural talent. The very first pageant that Shelby ever entered she won first place. Tracy says that if Shelby continues to enjoy pageants, she’ll continue to let her do it.

Tracy is a very hands on Mom. She is pinning fabric on the wall for a backdrop so she can take some “head shots” of Shelby for the upcoming pageant. Shelby is putting on her new dress and says “I can always shoot it in my underwear.” Mom says “We’re not doing Playboy.” Shelby thinking she’s correcting her Mom says “Playgirl”. Her Mom corrects her “No it would be Playboy. Playgirl has naked men in it. No we’re not doing Playboy, you have to be 18.”

Tracy’s discussion with Shelby made me a little uncomfortable, I mean I guess everyone knows that Playboy has an age requirement of 18, but I don’t know if I would mention that to a child. All in all, Tracy is a very no nonsense hardworking Mom who is helping her daughter enter a beauty contest. Shelby says that her Mom is very talented and she made the skirt for her dress. Shelby says “I feel like a princess.” What more can a kid ask? Feeling like a princess in a new dress is just about as good as it gets when you’re a little kid.

As Shelby begins posing for pictures, Tracy tells her to give her a real smile not a “constipated” one. I’m not sure what a constipated smile looks like, but I know what she means. No one likes a constipated smile.

And now to the other end of the spectrum, the other little girl’s family. We meet Leslie Ann, her daughter’s name is Hadlie and she is 7 years old. Leslie Ann does hair and makeup for pageants. She has been in the pageant business for 17 years and she is a third generation hair dresser. Pageants are not just for Hadlie, her Mom’s livelihood is also the pageant business. Leslie Ann says that on an average pageant Saturday, she will do fifty heads of hair.

Leslie says the pageant world is her family.

Hadlie also says the pageants are kind of like her family. She has been doing them since she was 1 year old. This means of course that Hadlie and her Mom know most of the vendors and pageant directors. I can’t help but think that this pageant business is like a big spider web. If you’re not in the web, you will have a very hard time reaching the goal of pageant queen.

Back at Shelby’s house.

Shelby’s Dad Walter, breeds reptiles and Shelby does pageants. Walter also says they breed their own rodents to feed the snakes. I am not overly afraid of lizards, snakes, rodents, turtles and dragons, but having listed them all out, I realize that maybe I’m not deathly afraid of them because I’ve never been around them. As I watch Walter and Shelby handle their pets I realized that I don’t ever want to be around them.

Tracy says that Walter is the fun parent and she is the disciplinarian. Shelby loves her Dad and his hobby of raising reptiles and taking care of them. Walter says he has quality time with Shelby while taking care of the reptiles. Shelby says “When I grow up I want to be a zoo doctor.” This is a really healthy hobby for this kid. She gets to spend quality time with her Dad, she learns about animals and how to handle them. And it has opened up the possibility of a career choice of veterinarian for Shelby.

Tracy says that a beauty queen involved with a reptile is a contradiction, but for Shelby they come together perfectly. This is an interesting family. Good work Walter and Tracy, this is how you raise a child by offering them experiences to learn and explore. It’s refreshing to see a kid doing something besides practicing her wow wear routine.

Back to Hadlie.

Hadlie is going to see her coach Mona. Mona is rehearsing with Hadlie for the wow wear part of the pageant. The Little Miss Perfect Pageant has three parts. First is the interview, second is Wow Wear and third is the beauty part where the little girls wear their fanciest dresses.

Wow wear is when the girls where costumes that will “wow” the judges and will show part of their unique personality. It can be like a skit, they can use props and do a routine like a dance or something to show the judges what they can do. It allows the girls to let their talents shine.

In Hadlie’s wow wear routine she will be laying on a surfboard in old fashioned bloomers, a sailor top and hat. Two boys will carry her out on the surfboard. Then the boys set her down and she runs around behind the surfboard and takes off that old fashioned suit to reveal a new modern two-piece swimsuit. Hadlie is rehearsing how she will run and pose on the stage during her routine.

Back to Shelby’s house.

Tracy, Shelby’s Mom works nights doing inventory control and shipping audit. She has an hour and a half commute to and from work, that’s 3 hours per day. She gets up at 3 AM and gets Shelby up at that hour too. I think she must drive Shelby to some child care or maybe she takes her to work and Shelby goes to school near her Mom’s work. They didn’t really explain why Shelby had to get up and go with her Mom but as early as it is, Shelby doesn’t seem overly tired.

Tracy works a ten hour shift and then comes home to work on Shelby’s pageant dress. Tracy is putting more decorations on the dress for the pageant. She is very patient and it looks like she does very nice work. I have a feeling that if Tracy doesn’t know how to do something, she finds out how and does it. She seems very self-sufficient. Shelby is very cute and loving toward her Mom. I think she has some realization that her Mom works hard to make her pageant clothes.

Tracy is also very matter-of-fact about the future. Tracy says “If you don’t go to college you end up as a cashier in a grocery store, a convenience store or a fast food restaurant. I want Shelby to have the opportunity to be more financially successful.”
Tracy sees pageants as an opportunity for Shelby to earn money to help pay for college.

Tracy admits she would love to be in a position to hire coaches for Shelby but she’s not. Tracy is refreshingly honest and if nothing else, she doesn’t mince words about how much effort and money it requires to do pageants and also what they plan to do with the winnings. Tracy understands that without the coaches and expensive clothes, Shelby is at a bit of a disadvantage. Tracy says “Shelby is the underdog and sometimes underdogs win.” It’s true, everyone loves an underdog.

Shelby is rehearsing how she will walk around in her dress for the beauty part of the pageant. Tracy tells Shelby to put more “sass in your frass”. To get the big crowns Mom tells her “you have to put sass in your frass and work hard”. She says that she wants Shelby to know that it is expensive to do the pageants but that if you work hard it will be worth it.

Shelby asks her Mom “why do you always tell me that you want me to put sass in my frass?”. Tracey says “because it’s better than telling you to wiggle your ass.” Tracy is absolutely right. I still don’t think a kid should have to put “sass in her frass” at 7 years old, but if you do, this is a much less offensive way to say it.

Back at Hadlie’s house.

Leslie Ann tells us that Hadlie likes to have everything lined up just so in her room. She jokingly remarks about Hadlie having OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). Hadlie lines up her toys, makes checklists for things and has to have everything in her room put in a certain way. It may be cute now, but it will be expensive to deal with this if it gets out of hand.

Hadlie checks the mail and comes in with a package. It looks like her custom made swimsuit has arrived. She will wear this under her old fashioned swim outfit for the wow wear part of the pageant. Leslie Ann tells us that the custom made swim suit is a one of a kind and that we won’t see another one like it. She also mentions that it cost $400. She takes the swimsuit out of the box and Hadlie puts it on.

I have to say I’m relieved no one else will have a suit like this one. It’s awful. It looks like an accessory factory blew up and this is what landed on this swimsuit. Pageant designers never create clothes based on the saying “less is more”. The perfect pageant outfit, whether it’s a dress, swimsuit or casual wear is made with the motto “too much is never enough” in mind.

Leslie Ann says that if you skimp on buying clothes, hiring coaches and doing your own hair and makeup, you won’t have a positive result at the pageant. In other words, you will lose. Hadlie is rehearsing and starts to make mistakes, Leslie Ann says that Hadlie is stressed. Perhaps she’s tired of lining up all her toys in her room, putting checklists on her calendar by her bed and organizing her clothes. Hadlie sounds like an over worked administrative assistant instead of a 7 year old child.

Back to Shelby.

Tracy is working on an outfit for the wow wear competition. Tracy shows us a denim jacket she bought at Goodwill and a denim skirt from a flea market. But now that she sees them together, she doesn’t like them. She was going to decorate both to make a cute outfit for the wow wear part of the pageant, but she doesn’t like how they look together. So Tracy calls her husband Walter asking for advice.

Walter has a cute idea. He wants to put Shelby in a khaki shorts and a shirt and some boots and have her bring her pet snake on stage. Her wow wear routine, could be that of a jr. zoo keeper and she could show the snake around the stage. That should wow the judges. It should definitely wake them up anyway. I just hope the snake doesn’t think that Judge Deedy’s little dog Godiva is lunch.

Back to Hadlie

Hadlie is having professional pictures taken. The photographer says she is part of Hadlie’s “pageant family.”

I think the pageant family is a bunch of people that do stuff for your kid for half price if you do stuff for their kids. It’s kind of like being in a beauty co-op. So Hadlie is patiently smiling and posing. She is getting tired.

Hadlie is finally done and she asks the photographer how many pictures she took. The photographer says 72. No wonder the kid is tired. Seventy two pictures of the same kid!!! I know she’s cute but 72? Why so many?

Hadlie heads home and starts packing her stuff for the pageant. She made her own checklist and is checking things off as she puts them in her bag. I’m still reeling from the 72 pictures. When your kid graduates from high school and gets their pictures done even with several clothes changes, I don’t think they take anywhere near 72 pictures. And this is just for pageant wear. I think maybe someone is going a little overboard.

Back to Shelby

Shelby and her Mom Tracy are also packing and getting ready to leave for the pageant. Shelby packed a pink suitcase, but her Mom Tracy is also using a big garbage bag. Let’s face it, we have packed in garbage bags once in a while. Especially kids stuff. Garbage bags are great to take a long for packing wet swimsuits and if kids get car sick, a plastic bag can be your best friend. Plus I’m sure they have to figure out how to transport the snake.

Over at the pageant hotel, we finally see the man of the hour. The real star of this show and pageant, the one and only, self-proclaimed Queen of the Whole World, it’s Michael Galanes!!! He is the Pageant Director and advisor to the stars, or at least advisor to the kids in this pageant. Michael is greeting some of the older girls. This pageant has 2 parts. There are 15 little girls who are participating in “Little Miss Perfect” and then there are 111 older teens for the junior and teen pageant, which is not being televised. It looks like this is a big money making operation for this guy.

Michael the pageant director greets Tracy. He seems to know her pretty well.

Michael greets Shelby and takes her on stage and does a little walk through of her wow routine. He seems just fine about the snake. I’m glad he is being good about it and not freaking out. Actually I’m a bit surprised that he is handling the news so well. I have to say I expected him to throw a big hissy fit or maybe a fainting spell. Way to buck up and roll with the punches Michael.

The girls and their families settle in their rooms. Over in Shelby’s room, she and her Dad are on the bed and are using the controls from the Select Comfort bed to go up and down. I have to admit, I love those beds and if the economy gets better, we’re getting one.

Meanwhile Shelby’s Mom Tracy is putting the letters on her uniform shirt for the wow wear competition. It will say Jr. Zoo Keeper on the back of her little khaki blouse. She will look really cute in it. Once she wears the shirt, matching shorts, hiking boots and the six foot python as an accessory, she will be really darling. What a cute kid, OK I’m a little partial to Shelby. I like her.

The next morning comes awfully early and everyone is tired. After all the excitement, traveling to the pageant and the early morning wake-up, no one looks ready for the pageant.

Hadlie is very tired so her Mom gives her Mountain Dew to wake her up. Her Mom calls it “power juice”. I call it dangerous.

We were at a family picnic in a nice little park out of town one beautiful Sunday in the summer when the kids were little. My family was next to a woman that I worked with and her small child. She gave her toddler Mountain Dew in his bottle all day long and his behavior got worse and worse. Finally, he walked over and bit his Mom right in the ass!!! Really hard!!! I’ve always thought that’s what you get when you let your kid suck down Mountain Dew, it’s dangerous I tell you.

OK, back to the pageant. All the girls are in their white “Little Miss Perfect” t-shirts and most are wearing white shorts or a white skirt. Some have decorated the t-shirts using pink ribbon to tie up the sleeves so they look like sleeveless t-shirts. They all look pretty cute, their make-up is not real heavy yet, but you can really see the spray tan and the fake front teeth (flippers).

The girls are all ready for their interview. So the pageant begins.

First let me introduce the judges: First up is the guy I called Robert in the last recap, his name is David Gilbert. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I guess he just looked like a Robert to me. But it’s David and he is the Head Judge. Michael says “this is David Gilbert. He has two Miss America’s under his belt.” I swear that’s what he said. No wonder David is so happy.

Next is Deedy who is carrying her little dog Godiva. Finally we have Nyasha. Michael is the MC and he tells us that Nyasha is an actress and model. Last week he said she was Miss South Africa US, whatever that means.

First up for the interview is Hadlie. Michael asks her what she would love to be when she grows up. Hadlie says she would like to be a clothes designer. Then Michael asks her a follow up question, “What is her favorite outfit, what would you love to wear?” There is silence as Hadlie thinks and finally she answers honestly “I don’t know.” Maybe she needed more power juice from her Mom.

Next up is Shelby. Michael asks Shelby, “where would you love to go?” Shelby is stunned for a minute, I think she was probably wondering why Michael’s face doesn’t move or why he is wearing so much makeup. After a moment of silence Shelby answers “I would love to go to the park my Dad and go bike riding.” Good answer kid. And she didn’t even have any power juice.

After all of the interviews are complete, there is a break in the pageant, before the next category which is wow wear. The judges leave and the contestants get ready for their wow wear routine. Hadlie is changing into her old fashioned bathing suit, with the new custom made suit underneath. Meanwhile Shelby is in her Jr. Zoo Keeper outfit complete with hiking boots and a snake wrapped around her neck.

Shelby warms up and does the splits so she is ready to do them duirng her wow routine.

Most of the little girls are getting very elaborate makeup and hairdos. The hair pieces are being added to their heads and the makeup is getting bolder.

As the other little girls see Shelby and her snake, they all make comments. One little girl is very sweet and says “he’s sleeping on your neck”. Just like she is talking about a kitten snuggling in your hands. I love the fact that the kids were not upset about the snake, they loved it. They all looked like they envied Shelby for having the confidence to have a snake bigger than her, wrapped around her neck. I would be nervous if that was my kid.

Up first is Hadlie. She is laying on a surfboard and is being carried by two young men.

She gets off the surfboard and walks around the stage posing a little.

Then she goes back behind the surfboards and removes her old fashioned suit to reveal the new custom made $400 swim suit with all the butterflies, bows, ribbons and stuff on it.

Then she gets back on the surfboard, lays on her side and the boys carry her out.
The judges really liked Hadlie’s wow wear routine. She is very pleased with how it turned out. She is very excited and her Mom is practically squealing with pride.

Her Mom’s friends are hugging her and everyone even the judges seem really impressed by this routine. I thought it was cute, but let’s face it, the guys carrying the surfboard did most of the work.

Hadlie’s wow wear performance impressed the judges.

Hadlie was very cute, but all she had to do was lay there and take off her clothes.

Boy that last sentence sounded like a Playboy photo shoot didn’t it?

Next up is Shelby. She looks very cute as a Jr. Zoo Keeper. She is wearing khaki shorts, a khaki shirt that says Jr. Zoo Keeper on the back and little hiking boots. She has her 6 foot pet python Leo around her neck. She comes out shows the snake and smiles. Then she does the splits while still holding the snake.

Shelby and Leo take the stage for the wow wear portion of the pageant.

Tracy is very happy with Shelby’s performance and she is very proud.

.

Nyasha thought the whole snake thing was great. When she saw the snake, she said, “that snake is real!” I think this is the first time I saw one of the judges actually get “wowed”.

The wow wear portion of the pageant is complete so the judges leave and the contestants take a break and have time to change for the last part of the pageant, the beauty part. The contestants have their hair and makeup redone again and change into their fancy dresses. If there is any time left, they practice how they will walk while on stage. Everyone is very tense, you have to do well in all three categories to win this pageant.

Hadlie’s pageant assistant is looking at Hadlie’s dress. Her dress was between $600-$700. Just this one dress. But as we found out before, Leslie Ann (Hadlie’s Mom) thinks if you skimp on the clothes, you will not get a positive outcome. The dress is pretty and blue and has a lot of ruffles and sequins. But all this money is just crazy.

Hadlie’s Mom is working on her hair, while another lady is fixing her make up and a third lady is getting her shoes and socks on. Hadlie’s Mom keeps saying that this is their “pageant family” and I guess it takes a whole family to get her ready for the final part of the pageant. After spending over $1000 for clothes for this one pageant, I guess you have to take it very seriously. I’ve had cars that cost less than the cost of those two outfits.

Shelby is also getting ready for the final part of the pageant. Her Mom Tracey is fixing her hair and is running short on time and patience. Shelby’s dress was made by her Mom and she looks very pretty with her hair on top of her head and a little make up on her cheeks. She does not have a spray tan, or fake hair or a flipper.

Hadlie is first on stage. She walks out in her beautiful blue dress. This looks good with her blonde hair and her blue eyes, her spray tan and her false eyelashes. She is a pretty girl even without all of the extra crap on her face and hair. Hadlie, walks around on stage and does all the turns and poses she is supposed to do.

When she comes off stage, her Mom is sobbing she is so proud of her daughter and she hugs her and tells her she did very well. All of the rest of Hadlie’s pageant family is crying too. These women get very emotional. I guess when you combine the large amount of money on clothes, the huge entry fees, the chemicals from the spray tan, hairspray and makeup, it probably makes anyone not wearing an air mask, cry uncontrollably.

Next up is Shelby. Shelby looks lovely and very innocent. Without all the fake hair and with a normal skin tone, Shelby is a breath of fresh air. I didn’t realize just how orange all the other girls are until Shelby walked out in her dress, with her nice and normal skin tone. She looks lovely. Her dress is pretty but simple and she moves around much less stiffly than the other girls. While she is on stage you can hear Judge Nyasha say “I love her”. I have to agree with you this week. I love this little girl too. She is not someone who has a lot financially, but what she has can’t be bought anyway. In other words, she doesn’t have a prayer to win this pageant.

Both the girls did a great job. When all the girls have done their bit on stage, the judging is done and the judges leave the room to tally up the points.

The judges leave the room and turn their score cards over to Michael and he adds up the points. The judges start discussing the contestants. Since the score cards are already being totalled, nothing the judges discuss will change how they scored any of the contestants.

First up they discuss Shelby. Nyasha says the snake was great. She thought Shelby was fierce. FIERCE? I think somebody is watching the reruns of “America’s Next Top Model” or someone is a “Christian Siriano” from “Project Runway” fan, don’t you?

Nyasha I completely agree with you. I thought what Shelby did for Wow Wear was actually “Wow”. Her snake and the little Jr. Zoo Keeper outfit was a very cute and original idea. It seems to me that this is exactly what Michael meant when he created wow wear. I just knew that sooner or later one of these kids would be my favorite and I would have to be cheering someone on, who knew it would be a cute little girl who likes snakes?

However David (the head judge, whatever that means) disagrees with Nyasha and says he thought the snake was a gimmick! and that she used it to hide the fact that she wasn’t doing anything. I was flabbergasted. A GIMMICK???? you mean it would have been better to lay down on a surfboard and then peel off your clothes to reveal an outrageously expensive custom made swimsuit and then lay back down on the surfboard to be carried out? I guess that was a lot more interesting and much more full of “WOW” than having a real live snake and knowing how to handle it?

David goes on to say his favorite was Hadlie and that he couldn’t take his eyes off of her face because she is so pretty. She is a very pretty girl, but seriously, the wow thing? I really think he is wrong about Shelby.

Michael tells the judges he has finished totaling the scores, so they return to the stage to announce the winner. Before the winners can be announced, we must be introduced to the Top Five and of course Michael needs to sing his song. With all 15 of the little girls on stage holding their breath, the top five list is announced.

Of course our little OCD girl Hadlie is in the top five. But sadly our little natural girl, Shelby is not in the top five. Her Mom isn’t taking it very well, but Shelby is coping very well and trying not to look at her Mom who looks like she may cry.

This is where I noticed something. They announced the Top Five, but there were six girls on the stage. At the far right of the group was a little girl already wearing a banner and a crown, she had dark hair, it’s Ashley, the winner from Episode #1. She is going to crown the winner this week. That’s a nice idea, I wonder why they didn’t mention this during the show this week?

And if Ashley is here as a previous winner of this pageant, and if she is not old enough to drive yet, that can only mean one thing. Her Mom, Tina must be nearby.

And anywhere Tina is …

The top five girls are on the stage and that means it is time for Michael to sing his creepy song. This song is supposed to be the theme of this pageant. Instead, it’s become the theme of several of my nightmares.

The nightmares all start out the same way. I’m in a room surrounded with Moms all wearing stretch capri pants in floral patterns, bad perms and flip flops. Each of the Moms has a kid who is dressed like a millionaire and my job is to judge each kid while creepy Michael sings to each kid. No matter what score I give the kid, it is never enough and the Moms all get mad and chase me while throwing stuff at me. Over and over again. I break out in a cold sweat whenever I hear that song begin.

Back to the pageant. Michael has changed the lyrics again. He has not sung this song the same way twice.

Michael sings,

“The Little Miss Perfect Pageant, where all your dreams come true. The Little Miss Perfect Pageant where the special one is you.

There are perfect colored rainbows, on the other side. Hop on your magic carpet, and take a natural ri-i-i-ide.”

WTF is a natural ride?

Then Michael gives the song a big finish which whips the room into a frenzy of little kids who have been plied with “power juice” and candy and their sleep deprived Moms who haven’t had a new outfit or hair appointment for themselves since their daughters’ were 2 years old. This is more exciting than the running of the brides at Filenes each spring.

The top five girls are on stage and the girls are announced from fifth place up to the winner. When they narrow the contestants down to two, it is between Hadlie and Kiev. Kiev is a pretty little blonde girl who has the biggest hair piece I have ever seen. Her wiglet is possibly the biggest wig I’ve ever seen. She must be wearing 10 pounds of extra hair. I hope that kid has a strong neck or a Dad who is a chiropractor.

And then the moment we’ve all been waiting for Hadlie, is declared the winner. Leslie Ann cries and cries when Hadlie is announced the winner. As they take pictures of Hadlie her Mom talks about how hard she worked all week. I think she is a very pretty little girl and she is lucky that her Mom spends so much money and time working with her for the pageants she enters.

Shelby did not win or make the top five. I personally would have put Shelby in the top five. She is very cute and natural and smart, but in the pageant business those attributes are not often rewarded. I have a feeling that the more connected you are to the “pageant family” and the more custom made your clothes are, the more you spend on photography and flippers, the better chance you will have winning the pageant. But that is just my opinion.

Shelby’s Mom Tracy is upset. She says “Shelby performed her best. I couldn’t have asked for a better performance from that child. If the judges don’t want to look at her, then that’s fine. This will be Shelby’s last competition. I have to go home and explain to my little girl why the judges didn’t think she was pretty enough.”

It was a tough week for Shelby the little girl who liked beauty pageants and snakes. She didn’t do as well as she and her Mom hoped. And Hadlie, the little OCD girl whose Mom is in the beauty business, used no less than 5 different people to help get her on stage and spent over $1000 on clothes.

In Shelby’s case the money won would be put away for Shelby’s college fund. Perhaps in the future Tracy will realize that it would be more cost effective to just put money in a savings account for Shelby and skip the pageants all together. The cost of clothes, lessons, makeup, pictures, transportation, hotels, and food really adds up and in the long run it costs more than you would ever win.

My closing wish for this episode is that Hadlie overcomes her OCD before it really screws up her life, that Shelby becomes a veterinarian just like she wants to become and that Tina finally gets a decent bra.

Until next time GASMII,

Let’s do our little pageant girl wave,
wipe a tear,
touch your pearls,
touch the crown
and wave.

Love and luck,

TVAnnie