Little Miss Perfect: The Royal Rumble-Battle For Perfection

Well Gasmii, here we are at Episode 4 of Little Miss Perfect and we’ve got a whole new ball game. I’ve always believed that the reason women put their children into beauty pageants is because they really want to be in the pageant themselves.

This week, we can test that theory because this week it is “The Perfect Wife and Little Miss Perfect Pageant”. Moms and their daughters in the same pageant. The women will compete with their daughters as a team. So it’s Mom and Daughter vs. other Moms and Daughters. What will the teams do for “Wow Wear”? More importantly, will Michael sing that creepy “Little Miss Perfect” song? If so, will one of the Moms decide to take Michael’s offer and hop on his magic carpet and take a wild ride and will we have to watch?

It’s bound to be a wild ride my little Gasmii. Can you imagine how embarrassed you would be as a kid to play dress-up WITH your Mom, in front of people? And then God forbid, Mom wants to do “Wow Wear”? What if your Mom dances? Or tries to act cool? Remember how you wanted to die when your Mom danced in front of your friends? And all of this on TV. Just the thought could send some kids into a meltdown temper tantrum the likes of which I’ve never seen. There is bound to be some kind of knockdown dragout fight or at least an accident (hint,hint).

First up we meet Alexa and her Mom Traci. Alexa is a pretty little blonde haired girl and her Mom Traci is also pretty and is a girl, but that’s pretty much where the resemblance ends. Alexa is a normal little kid. She says she is new to pageants and that they have never been in a Mother Daughter pageant.

Traci smiles a lot and looks like she is a nice lady, but then she opens her mouth. Traci says she is training Alexa using “active participation”. She is constantly talking all the while Alexa is rehearsing. Traci’s comments are not nice and gentle corrections “eye contact, eye contact, eye contact, turn. Why do you look down????” Active participation sounds a lot like verbal abuse and/or diarrhea of the mouth.

This woman would give me a nervous twitch. Where the heck is my chocolate? I’m going to need chocolate to get through this show.

Traci says that pageantry opens a lot of doors. There are news anchors, people in high positions, they sometimes have been in pageantry. And without missing a beat, Traci shrieks at Alexa “Why are you looking down!!”

I think she is looking for a big rock to beat her head against.

Traci then bends down and pounds the bottom of the door with her hand and says “Judges are never down here!”. Then she tells Alexa to do her Miss America turn, you’re confident, you’re about to win this big fat crown. Yes, perfect”.

God, if I can’t have chocolate, can I at least get a prescription for valium?

Over to the other pageant house.

We meet the other team, Kendall a pretty girl with blonde hair and her Mother’s name is Rhonda. They are working on their talent (wow wear) clothes. Kendall says she thinks this pageant will be more “funner” with her Mom in it. Kendall and her Mom wrestle around while they are getting ready, they are laughing. It looks like they are really having fun. Just the opposite of Traci and Alexa.

Kendall’s Dad Robert thinks that their Wow Wear outfits make them look like house painters. They are both wearing black cotton jumpsuits. I think it looks like a karate outfit. They have bright blue headbands that look kind of cute. I’m interested to see what their “talent” will be. Robert says that pageants give the girls poise and confidence and that confidence is the most important thing and you don’t learn that in school. I agree with Robert, confidence is not something you learn at school.

Back to Traci and Alexa.

Traci is talking about her husband, Timber. He is in the Air Force in Special Ops, Counter-terrorism on duty in Afghanistan. They don’t get to hear from him very often, so they are listening to a message he left on the answering machine.

It’s kind of sweet and Traci gets all teared up. It’s clear that Traci and all four of her children all miss Timber. Traci tells Alexa they just have to be strong. They can contact him via e-mail.

Back to Rhonda and Kendall.

Rhonda and Kendall are rehearsing a routine for the wow wear part of the pageant. For those of you new to this show, the pageant has three parts. The first is the interview, the third is the evening gown or formal wear. The second part of the pageant is called “wow wear”. The pageant contestants dress up in an outfit and perform a skit, or dance or something to “wow” the judges. It is designed to showcase the contestants talents and their personality. Since it is a mother-daughter pageant, the mother-daughter teams must perform together.

Robert is watching Kendall and Rhonda rehearse and gives them some advice. He suggests that one of them do something and then the other. Kind of like a “dance off”. That way they can just wing it. Rhonda thinks this is a great idea since they won’t have to memorize a routine at all and it will be spontaneous. I think it sounds great too, and way more fun than some boring routine.

Back to the other team. It looks like somebody has an appointment to keep before the pageant.

Traci is getting botox for the pageant. Well color me surprised. She goes on to say that “all of the things I do for the pageant, from botox to the new dress, complete the package. They are tools in my toolbox. When the judge sees you a little bit more youthful, it does make a difference.” Clearly Traci takes this pageant stuff very seriously. She loves competition, but Alexa doesn’t. Traci must think that if she looks “science fiction young”, it will make-up for Alexa’s lack of enthusiasm.

In addition to botox for wrinkles, Traci is also getting bigger lips. She says she wants them bigger but not like “Angelina Jolie”.

Traci really wants to have a lot of stuff in her tool box. I guess that explains this next picture which is taken after the lip injections.

Traci always does everything in a big way so she has the advantage.

Traci’s lips give her all she needs for her toolbox and then some.

Yes, I think these lips have a category all their own. Maybe Traci could submit pageant photos of her lips for special consideration.

Back to the non-botoxed people.

Kendall and her Mom Rhonda are making chocolate to sell stuff to pay for the pageant. They are melting chocolate and dipping pretzels and marshmallows.

I wish Kendall and Rhonda lived in my town and also that they delivered. I wonder if you can get chocolate delivered…..

They finish dipping stuff and package it up and make some signs and head over to a grocery store. Rhonda lets Kendall and her sister do the sales job. She watches over them of course, but the girls do the work. I think it’s good to teach kids the value of a dollar and anything you can do to offset expenses in this economy is a good thing. It’s also refreshing to see a family working together to raise extra cash. Just using a credit card is not the answer and this will teach Kendall not to rely on credit. That’s a good lesson, so far I’m liking this team a little better than Botox Mom.

Back to Alexa and Traci.

Alexa and Traci are rehearsing. They are doing an aerobic routine and Traci is talking non-stop. She says that Alexa is a little uncoordinated and that she is not as athletically inclined as she was, when she was a child. I doubt that anyone was as perfect as Traci.

Then Traci starts doing a cheer

Be Aggressive
Be Be Aggressive

Traci acts like the head cheerleader in a high school and she treats Alexa like she is a freshman alternate.

Traci says “Alexa does not have the drive that’s inside me, to do really well. I want to shine. I want to be the best.” And then Traci throws down the gauntlet and goes over the line. Traci says “Alexa’s just happy being average”.

Traci is very pretty on the outside, but making insulting comments about her daughter does not enhance her beauty toolbox. It just makes her a tool.

I’ve said this before, I think all children are special and wonderful and talented. Calling your own child average? I think it’s mean and hurtful.

And just then, as if God herself was watching this show, Alexa accidentally kicks Traci right in her enormous swollen lips.

Alexa apologizes of course, she didn’t mean to kick her Mom. Traci yells at her, but when Alexa starts to cry, she hugs her. Traci says sometimes she gets a little intense and that she needs to scale back and remember that Alexa is just a kid.

It’s funny that Traci has a hard time remembering that her own child is just a kid. Maybe that botox was injected into her brain.

Back on Earth.

Rhonda says that she and Kendall are tomboys at heart but that they like getting dressed up once in a while. Kendall says her Mom is more curvy and beautiful. When Kendall said that her Mom is beautiful, I got all choked up. Kendall is a very loving daughter. Rhonda tries on a couple of long dresses. She likes the black one, her husband likes the red one. I think Rhonda is a little self conscious and that’s why she chooses the black dress.

Back to Traci and Alexa

Traci and Alexa are waiting at the airport for Timber’s jet. He is coming home from Afghanistan and they are both excited. They are also both wearing beauty pageant sashes. Traci’s sash says “Mrs. North Florida”. Way to work your pageant life into your husband’s homecoming. Timber is the hero honey, not you.

After tears and hugs , Alexa, Traci and Timber go home. He has arrived at home in time to take his wife and daughter to the pageant. Traci is packing clothes for the trip. She is showing the dress that Alexa will wear. She says she got it for about $100. This is a pretty dress but it’s nothing compared to Traci’s dress.

Traci unzips the garment bag on the floor and shows off her pageant dress. Traci’s dress cost $5000 and was custom made for her by Jonathan Wade from Season 2 of Project Runway. She says it has over 2200 hand embroidered Austrian crystals. Alexa asks how many crystals her dress has, Traci says maybe 400.

Back to Kendall and Rhonda.

Kendall and Rhonda are both packing for the pageant. Kendall says “you don’t go to say I’m better than you, I’m going to win. You go to have fun.”

Kendall is way too mature for this pageant.

So we finally go to the pageant, which is in Daytona Beach this week. It’s a nice change from Orlando and it’s less than an hours drive if they really want to go to Disney.

At the pageant hotel, we finally meet the real star of the pageant. Our very own Michael Galanes. He hugs Rhonda as he greets people in the hotel.

Some of the contestants are practicing in the room where the pageant will be held. Traci goes to scout the competition. She says that if Alexa smiles, sparkles and shines and does her best, she can have a Nintendo DS. Nothing like a little bribery.

I wonder how she will determine the sparkle and shine? Maybe she has a special instrument for measuring how much light bounces off her kid. Maybe she could call NASA and ask for some help.

And it’s finally pageant day.

Traci has a professional hired to do her hair and makeup. This doesn’t surprise me or anyone else. Her hair is really short, so they don’t do a lot to it and thank goodness she’s not wearing a big wig or anything. But Traci is wearing a lot of make-up, and she is very pretty.

Traci’s husband Timber is also at the pageant. For some reason he is in his dress white uniform. Traci says he is wearing it because “that’s his tux”.

Timber is wearing the equivalent of a tux while attending a local beauty pageant in a Holiday Inn on Daytona Beach on a Saturday afternoon. He looks fine, but he is seriously overdressed. Funny, no one else is in a tuxedo, not the judges, not Michael Galanes and none of the other Dads. No one else is even wearing a tie.

So let’s just take stock of how Traci got ready for this pageant. She and Alexa rehearsed a lot and it was tough on Alexa. Traci is wearing a $5000 dress, she had botox injections and got her lips bigger. Traci also had her husband Timber wear his dress uniform for the pageant.

This pageant is in a Ramada or Holiday Inn, in one of the conference rooms. There are 11 Mother-Daughter teams (22 people) and probably 20 spectators. They are in a pageant in a hotel conference room on a Saturday afternoon with less than 50 people and she has botox and her lips fattened? That my friend is a huge waste of money. I wonder if Traci is aware of the current economic climate in this country? I guess in her world of aerobics and botox, things like the economy don’t really matter. Maybe this is proof that botox causes brain dammage?

Traci and Alexa are ready for the first part of the pageant, the interview. Traci and Alexa have their LMP t-shirts on, white shorts and matching pink necklaces. Traci is wearing very short white shorts and silver sandal high heels. She looks good, she has great legs, but her shorts are really too short. And yes I am jealous of her legs, but the shorts are still too short period.

The pageant begins and first we meet the judges. This week, we have a new judge to replace Deedy and Godiva. Our new judge is Janet McCullough, she is an electrical engineer and beauty professional. What on Earth is a beauty professional? I guess she could be an Avon or Mary Kay lady, but why would an electrical engineer also be an Avon lady?

And then of course, Michael introduces our head judge, David Gilbert. Michael says that David has served as host, judge or MC at over 300 competitions. That’s a lot of pageants. And finally Nyasha Zimucha. She is introduced this week as the reigning Miss South Africa USA. I still don’t know what that means.

So first up, the interview.

Rhonda and Kendall are decked out in their LMP t-shirts and white shorts. They are up first. Rhonda and Kendall go out on stage and Michael asks Kendall, “who is your Mom’s favorite performer”. Kendall says “Kenny Chesney” and says that her Mom would go anywhere to see him. Kendall is smiling and Rhonda is embarrassed but is obviously true. It’s a cute moment and shows how close Rhonda and Kendall are as mother and daughter.

Next up is our short-short Mom Traci and Alexa. Michael asks Alexa what is your Mom’s hobby? Alexa looks dumbfounded. Traci is practically climbing out of her skin. If Traci could have put her hand up Alexa’s back and worked her like a puppet, she would have. Finally Alexa says she goes to the Y and the Yacht Club.

At first I was envisioning Traci sitting at the bar in the Yacht Club in her short shorts, flirting with off duty doctors and lawyers. But Traci explains that she teaches aerobics at the Y and the Yacht Club. As they leave the stage, Traci is constantly criticizing Alexa telling her she was not standing correctly, heads up and not holding her hands properly. With Traci’s idea of support it’s a wonder Alexa can even get out of bed by herself. Constantly berating someone does not improve their self esteem, it erodes it until there is nothing left.

When the interviews are complete, there is a break so the contestants can change and get ready for the Wow Wear competition.

Backstage Traci wants to practice their entrance, which sort of looks like a routine that Richard Simmons did back in the ’80′s when he was on General Hospital. But Alexa does not want to do this part of the routine and starts to cry and says she doesn’t want to do it.

Alexa says I only want to walk out. Traci says you’ve got to show enthusiasm to catch the judges’ eye. Then she says “Do you want to win?” Traci goes on to say “I don’t think Alexa is competitive enough yet to compete, truly in pageantry.” Traci is frustrated and says “fine, I don’t want to practice if you’re going to cry.”

I guess Traci has a lot more in common with her daughter than I thought. She is acting like a 7 year old and Alexa is a 7 year old.

Traci and Alexa take the stage for their Wow Wear. They are wearing black workout pants and pink sparkly tank tops.

Traci and Alexa do an aerobics routine side-by-side. It’s obvious that Traci created the routine and Alexa is just trying to keep up with her. it does not seem like Alexa is really part of the routine, it’s more like Traci’s show and Alexa just happens to be there. When they are done, Traci says Alexa did OK. Way to make Alexa feel good, I guess OK is better than just walking away from her.

Next up is Kendall and Rhonda. They are wearing their black jumpsuits with bright blue t-shirts and headbands. Kendall is a talented gymnast and does flips and cartwheels then waits for her Mom to repeat the action. But Rhonda just waves her hands as if she isn’t going to even try and do what Kendall does. It’s very cute and funny.

At the end, Kendall jumps up into Rhonda’s arms and it’s very endearing. They look like
they are a team and it made me say wow.

The judges love Kendall and Rhonda’s routine. It was funny and Kendall is a great gymnast.

The wow wear part of the pageants is over. Most of the teams did nothing more than model clothes so the routines by our featured teams really stood out.

When the Wow Wear is complete, there is a break to allow everyone to fix their hair and makeup and get ready for the final part of the pageant, the formal wear.

First we see Alexa and Traci. Traci is in her $5000 dress. It’s pretty, blue, sparkly and shows off her figure. She is a pretty lady. Alexa looks pretty in her pink and white dress too, but it’s obvious that Traci is the star of this Mom-Daughter team. I think that Alexa is wearing too much makeup, especially her eye makeup and her false eyelashes. I think Alexa would look prettier without all the makeup.

Traci says that somewhere in her, she enjoys being judged. No kidding, really? No one would ever know that based on her behavior.

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When I watched this show for the 4th time, I noticed that when Kendall and Rhonda came out for their formal wear, they held hands as they walked on the stage. Traci and Alexa did not. In fact, Traci walked a few steps behind Alexa, I imagine she did this so people could see all of her dress including the train (which was longer than the one on my wedding gown) without being overshadowed by Alexa.

Next up is Kendall and Rhonda. Kendall is wearing a white dress. It’s beautiful and understated and we know how much the judges like understated. Kendall is not wearing makeup. Rhonda said she doesn’t think that “glitz” is bad, she says it’s just bad for her kids. I’m on your side Rhonda. I don’t like it when little kids are tarted-up to look like twenty year old women, I think that’s wrong. Kendall looks great and the only makeup she is wearing is a little lip gloss.

Kendall looks lovely and Rhonda starts to cry because she is so proud of her daughter. Rhonda models her black gown and although she is not built like Traci and does not have a tan or a $5000 dress, she looks beautiful and unfortunately we all know she is not going to win. Kendall starts to cry off stage when her Mom tells her that she is beautiful. They hug and both cry a little.

When all the the teams are done, it’s time for the judges to leave and add up the scores to determine the winners.

The judges hand their ballots off to Michael before they begin rehashing the pageant. Michael adds up the scores while the judges talk. Head judge David Gilbert says Traci is drop-dead gorgeous. I guess we know how he voted.

That’s just gross. But David did not have high praise for Traci and Alexa’s wow wear routine because it was obvious Alexa didn’t know the routine. But not to fear, I think Traci has this crown in the bag. I bet David didn’t even realize that Alexa was on the stage.

Although they didn’t spend a lot of time showing us a some of the other contestants, I noticed one of the mother-daughter teams during the formal wear. I guess it’s their hair.

Well the excitement is building. Michael returns to the stage armed with the pageant results. But first, he is going to sing. I’m all ready to hear the creepy Little Miss Perfect theme song, but wait, this week he is singing a different song.

Instead of the usual song, we get to hear “Oh You Beautiful Doll”. I haven’t heard that song in a long time and even though it’s a classic, Michael manages to make it sound really sleazy. Since sleazy is probably the kind of song you were aiming for, good job.

Then, it’s time to announce the top five mother-daughter teams and to no one’s surprise, Traci and Alexa are in the top five. But so are Alexa and Rhonda. Maybe they have a chance?

Alexa and Traci made the top five and so did Kendall and Rhonda. The excitement builds as we edge closer to crowning this week’s winners. Will we have an upset? or will “Botox Traci” and her $5000 dress buy her that crown? Will Alexa win a crown too or will Traci get two crowns because Judge David didn’t notice that Alexa was on stage?

So we are down to the top two teams and when they finally announce that the other team won first runner up, the light goes on for Traci and Alexa.

And then Traci does something that I didn’t expect. Alexa turns around and wants to hug her Mom and grab onto her, but Traci doesn’t want Alexa to ruin her hair or makeup, so she grabs Alexa’s hands.

Here’s another shot of our bad acting job.

Oh honey, I’m so happy, just don’t touch me.

And then for the grand finale, Traci scoops Alexa up in her arms. And Alexa hangs there like a dead fish.

Was there ever any doubt who was going to win this pageant?

Kendall is upset and hurt that they didn’t win, but Rhonda tells her it’s Ok. Sure it is, after-all your Mom doesn’t yell at you all day long like Alexa’s and she also doesn’t spend a huge amount of money on herself, or get botox and fat lips. All in all, the real winners today were Kendall and Rhonda.

And so we come to the end of another installment of this wacky show. Isn’t it interesting that the judges consistently pick the contestants who’s Mother knows the least about what is really important?

This pageant is like the “Bizzaro” world where everything is the opposite of what it should be.

Join me next time for the next episode which features Emily Tye. Emily was featured on another reality show about pageants and her Mom is quite a trip.

Until next time GASMII,

Let’s do our little pageant girl wave,
wipe a tear,
touch your pearls,
touch the crown
and wave.

Love and luck,

TVAnnie