Little Miss Perfect: The Love Boat

Welcome my dear Gasmii to Episode 5 of the Little Miss Perfect Show. This show is so exciting. Just a few days ago, Chelsey Handler mentioned that she thinks our very own Michael Galanes has the goods to replace Ryan on American Idol!!! No kidding and we thought he was just the Queen of the World.

Don’t worry Ryan, Michael’s not likely to jump off this little ship of gold anytime soon. Speaking of ships, this week’s episode is named “The Love Boat”. So without further delay, put on your sailor hat, pop the top on your beer, or mix up one of those fancy drinks with an umbrella in it like Isaac would do or light ‘em up and smoke em if you have them. It’s time to enjoy our weekly journey to the dark side, this time in North Carolina.
First up we meet Jordan. She is a pretty 10 year old girl from North Carolina. She has a very pronounced southern accent which always makes me think they sound super feminine. Her Mom Jeanie is watching Jordan rehearse. Jordan is rehearsing her Wow Wear routine and she is doing it on roller skates.

We also get a glimpse of Jordan’s room which is really cute and she had a dresser with flowers on it. I’m totally jealous of her bedroom.

Jordan has over 100 crowns, she’s been doing pageants since she was 5 months old. Her Wow Wear routine is to be a ’50′s style waitress on roller skates. She says to win at Wow Wear you have to think out of the box. As she is rehearsing, she raises one of her legs up over her head!. I’m immediately impressed with her athleticism.

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She said that it is important to do something no one else has ever done. Her Mom tells her she is doing a good job and when Jordan finishes rehearsing, she asks Jordan if she is happy. This is a strange new tactic, Moms checking to see if their daughters are happy. That should be a wow winner if ever I saw one.

This is the first time, I’ve ever seen a girl in a beauty pageant that I am positive, really wants to be there and is working hard without being told to rehearse. You can tell by Jordan’s enthusiasm, she wants this, she wants to win and she wants to do her best. I realize she started as a baby, but honestly, I think this kid has “it”. Every performer who really loves their art, has “it” and this girl is one of those rare talents that has “it”.

I like this girl and I don’t feel bad for her like all the rest. She doesn’t complain about rehearsing, she does it without being told and she is the one who has the drive the inner thing that make her want to do well. I already have a bad feeling that this isn’t going to end well. Why do all the good ones lose?

And then we meet the other featured contestant.

It’s Emily Tye. For those of you who have seen these children’s beauty pageants in the past, Emily Tye was featured on another reality show “Showbiz Moms and Dads”. Emily was four at the time (five years ago) and was pretty good in pageants. She did win a lot of pageants and had a lot of crowns and sashes. There was a lot of controversy about Emily’s Mother Debbie.

Debbie Tye was portrayed as a really pushy pageant Mom. Debbie gave interviews back when the show premiered and said that she was not portrayed accurately and blamed it on editing. I don’t want to throw stones but the only time I hear about someone being dissatisfied by their portrayal on a reality show, they also say it is due to the editing (think Alex and Simon on the Real Housewives of NYC).

It’s not the editing.

So Emily lives in Florida and she is 9 years old now. She is a pretty blonde girl with a sweet smile. Emily invites the camera into her home to view the “Crown Hall of Fame”. There is a big lighted cabinet in the living room that shows off a lot of Emily’s crowns. Emily picks out one crown and says it is her favorite because it was from an out-of-state pageant and it was hard to win. The upcoming Little Miss Perfect pageant is in North Carolina so this may be hard to win too.

Emily has been doing pageants since she was eight months old. She thinks she’s competed in 150 pageants. Emily says she doesn’t know how many crowns she has won, she thinks around 100. I hate to say this, but I get a really bad vibe from this kid, I think she is bragging and insincere. As she talks she is trying to sound so sweet, but if you look at her eyes it looks like she is always kind of being insincere and acting like a brat.

I know, I know, I never say anything bad about a kid, but there is something wrong here. I don’t know what it is but this kid gives me the creeps.

Emily’s Mom Debbie says that Emily is outgrowing the smaller local pageants and that’s why they are going to North Carolina. Emily mentions she is excited to see all the new faces at the pageant since it is out of state. That sounds like a great story, but as you will see, this doesn’t happen at all and makes Emily looks even more suspicious.

Emily says that when she practices it’s boring, but “when I get on stage all that practice is worth it. I just get that pumped, excited feeling and that’s just my favorite part.”

Debbie takes Emily to see Emily’s coach, her name is Jessika. She was featured in the first episode, she is Ashley’s coach. Since Emily has never competed in North Carolina, Jessika has some videos to show Emily and her Mom.

Jessika tells Emily and Debbie “These girls (in N. Car.) are born and bred to do this.” She says that if Emily is not prepared she could lose. The video shows the other girl from this episode, Jordan. Debbie says that seeing Jordan was interesting and that Jordan “did an absolutely amazing sportswear routine.”

After seeing Jordan’s routine, Emily says “I’m going to start practicing a little harder.”

So Emily is going to practice her Wow Wear routine. She will be a little girl who comes out of a cuckoo clock. Debbie says that both times she has done the cuckoo clock routine she has won the pageant.

Jessika says “Emily is one of the best competitors, however I didn’t see a lot of enthusiasm”. Jessika tells Emily, she needs to make her moves bigger and sharper to make her routine better.

Back to Jordan.

Jordan and her Mom Jeanie are meeting Theresa at a fabric store. Theresa is making Jordan’s Wow Wear outfit for the upcoming pageant. Jordan says that Theresa helps her design her wow wear outfits. She says “me and her just have fun about it.” Theresa thinks the routine will surprise the judges and that’s what they are looking for.

Theresa asks Jeanie who is helping Jordan with her routine. Jeanie says Jordan is choreographing her own routine. And she says that no matter what, she would do her choreographing. I have a feeling that Jordan is always very involved in making decisions about her routines. I think that’s a very good thing. Although she is only 10 she is clearly the one who is pushing for the right outfit, the right routine, everything. I don’t think this is a bad thing. I gotta say, Jordan seems to have it all under control, at age 10.

I wonder if she could give me some advice on life issues?

Jordan says she is nervous about skating on the stage, but “when I start something, I don’t want to quit and I want to make sure I do my best at anything I start.” Jeanie says that Jordan wants to have a say so in everything. The way her hair is styled, you’ve got to consult with Jordan before you do it. Jeanie says “If Jordan’s not happy, you’re going to see it when she steps on that stage. You have to give her all the tools it takes to make her happy.” Oh, oh tools again. I hope Jordan’s not getting her lips plumped before the pageant.

Back to Emily.

Emily is getting up early to go and get pictures done. The photographer? It’s Deanna, the same photographer that Ashley from Episode 1 used. And yes they are doing the same “glitz” pictures. In other words, fake hair, lots of makeup and weird clothes. They also have the same makeup person. Debbie says she lets the photographer pick clothes and accessories for Emily’s pictures.

So they begin the transformation from a normal 9 year old little girl to the tarted up messes we’ve seen so far in this show. Emily’s hair was in rollers since before the two hour drive to the photographer. They take the rollers out and start using a curling iron. Instead of clothes, they are using a scarf to tape it on Emily like kind of a halter. They used some big clips to get Ashley’s scarf to become a top. This is just weird. I bet they saw this in some kind of photographers how to book and they do the same thing to every kid.

Well Emily has on her fake lashes, heavy makeup, lips are lined like Pam Anderson’s a little outside and above her natural lip line and she has a scarf taped to her to resemble a halter. So I guess she is ready to get pictures taken.

Emily says “sometimes it’s fun getting dolled up, it’s seeing how I’m normal at first and then I go to big hair and lots of makeup.” Debbie says “seeing my daughter looking 14,15,16 years old is a little hard. It’s not a picture I would stick in my wallet and be showing friends. But if you don’t have a picture of this caliber, you will not win at the pageants.”

So I have a problem, if you don’t like how your child looks when she is all made up and taped up, stop doing that to her and take her home, wash her face and put clothes on her. The pictures are only necessary if you want to enter the part of the pageant for most photogenic. Is that really necessary??? You are her Mother and you should protect your daughter, not take pictures of her to give to strangers who will decide whether or not to give you a $10 trophy. Geez which part of this don’t you understand?

Back to the other team.

Jordan is at rehearsal, her coach is DeeDee who has been her modeling coach since age 3. Dee Dee says when Jordan came in with her skates, she didn’t think it was going to work. Dee Dee says she had this “whole big grand routine that you could do”. DeeDee is very pregnant, I have to hand it to her, she seems nice too.

So far Jordan is way ahead in this race. Her Mom wants to make sure she is happy, Jordan practices without being forced, she loves to design her own outfits and she helps choreograph her own routine. I think I should seriously consider contacting her to help me get my life in order. What a kid!

Then Jordan takes off her skates and puts on her jazz shoes. Jordan trusts Dee Dee. Jordan says “I think the jazz shoes was my idea.” Jordan’s Mom and Gramma tried all week to get her to choose the jazz shoes instead of her roller skates, but they had no luck in making that happen. They are all relieved that Jordan will be doing her Wow routine in her jazz shoes because she will be able to do many more tricks and she probably won’t fall down.

Back to Emily.

Debbie is watching Emily rehearse for her Wow Wear routine. Debbie says “The pageant is coming up and you’re not making your faces. I’m not going to have you go up on stage and you’re just going to sit there and smile. You have faces to make, you need to do it.” Both Debbie and Emily’s Gramma are watching her practice. It’s clear that Emily really doesn’t want to do this right now.

Emily smiles and says “I know it, but you know I do my things…”

Debbie says “no,no,no we’re not playing that”. Then Gramma says “This time we have to see the whole thing.

Debbie says “stop arguing. Let’s get on with it.”.

Emily says “I don’t really want to practice all the time”. She says this so sweetly it really almost makes you sick. Debbie still coaching her says “Is that how you’re going to stand on the stage?” Debbie says “First there are children we’ve never competed against before and we’ve never been to North Carolina.” Obviously Debbie wants Emily to be more serious about her rehearsal, but I don’t think it’s going to work. I think perhaps Debbie wants this much more than Emily. Emily would probably like to win, but she doesn’t want to work hard to get it

I watched Emily practice and I can’t tell you what the heck Emily’s routine was. She did some weird hand movements, she rang a bell and then she held up a sign that is supposed to make the audience do the chicken dance. I don’t really get what she is doing and how that is a cuckoo clock. Cuckoo clocks have cuckoo birds come out and chirp, not some little kid ringing a bell and doing the chicken dance. I didn’t get it.

Debbie is still unhappy with Emily and says “Emily people are going to expect a lot more from you because you come from out of state.” Debbie says “The problem is that sometimes Emily is too confident and she doesn’t realize that she might be doing a movement wrong.”

I guess that could be a problem, but the other problem is that I still can’t tell what the heck she is supposed to be doing. There doesn’t seem to be set movements or anything. I have no idea what this routine is all about. Maybe only pageant people will understand her routine, maybe it’s one of those things that is only visible to certain people. You know like those cell phone tones that only kids can hear? yup, I bet that’s it, I just don’t have a “trained pageant eye”.

Debbie shows off Emily’s dress for the pageant. It is pink, peach and very beaded. Debbie says “A high glitz national beauty dress usually costs $1600-$1700. ” I spit out my M&M’s when I heard that figure. That’s more than my mortgage payment and we’re not going to outgrow our house in a year or so. What an enormous waste of money. I got married in a dress way prettier, way bigger and still looks good in photos today.

But not to fear, Emily says “I’m really into my dress. I think it’s the best one I’ve ever had.” For that kind of money, I would expect you to wear it to school, your prom, high school graduation, college graduation, your wedding and your ten year high school reunion. After that, you can get a new one.

Debbie goes on “I do think it’s crazy to spend the kind of money we do on these clothes. But if you’re not willing to put the money out then you don’t go to an out-of-state pageant and do well.” I guess she’s right, but it seems to me if you are going to spend that kind of money on a dress, you shouldn’t shove it in a suitcase, it should be hung in a garment bag.

As Emily is packing for the trip she says “I think I am practicing really good so I think I have a chance of winning.” I guess they edited out all the practicing that Emily did for this pageant. All we saw was Debbie telling Emily to practice and stop goofing around.

So far I’m thinking Debbie is unhappy with the editing once again.

Back to Jordan.

Jordan is waiting at her Grammas for her Mom to bring her new Wow Wear Outfit. She has a serving tray with a chocolate soda on it. Mom brings in the outfit and it’s really cute. It’s a 50′s waitress outfit. It has a pink overskirt, crinolines edged in black and black polka dot sleeves and a little apron that says “Little Miss Perfect Diner”. Part of Jordan’s stomach is exposed but not the belly button. Walt Disney would have approved and I loved this outfit and Jordan looks cute in it.

So it’s time to pack. Jeanie is looking for her eyeliner when Jordan mentions that the dog, Buster ate her eyeliner. Jeanie was not happy that Jordan did not tell her that when they were at Walmart. Jeanie says they can relax once Jordan’s extensions are in and her tan is done.

Over to Emily.

Emily and her Mom are already in the hotel in Charlotte. The bell boy is delivering the cuckoo box for Emily’s Wow Wear routine. Debbie and her Mom weren’t there when Emily’s Dad took it apart and packed it up to ship it. So they are not sure how to put it back together.

This is where it got even weirder, Debbie and her Mom are acting like Emily’s cuckoo box is some top secret item. She already used it in two other pageants, not to mention the fact that no one can figure out what they are doing. Why do they think people want to copy what Emily is doing?

I”m starting to wonder what the heck is the big secret? Are you hiding a double knot spy device in your room. Is Jethro coming to get the secret before he heads back to Bevery Hills?

As it turns out, it is a box made out of cardboard and it is decorated a little. I don’t see what the big deal is. But Debbie says “I don’t want anyone else to see what we’re doing. It’s supposed to be a big surprise.” It’s not like someone is going to run out and get a big box and copy their idea. I still can’t figure out what their skit is all about. What I’ve seen so far makes no sense at all so I doubt that anyone will ever copy this routine

Jordan and her family get to the hotel. Jordan is helpful and lays out her Mom’s pj’s for her and also her clothes for the day of the pageant. Jeanie says “You’re awesome Jordan”. I was thinking the same thing.

Jordan needs to go and get tan. It’s kind of funny/weird, but Emily’s Mom Debbie is spray tanning Jordan. Jeanie says at first Jordan was a little reluctant about letting Debbie Tye do the tanning. But she probably won’t spray her green or anything. Of course over in Emily’s room, Debbie and her Mom are busy trying to hide the big cardboard box. The fact that Jordan is bringing her tray with the chocolate soda on it, should maybe bring Debbie Tye back down to Earth, but no.

Debbie takes the cuckoo box (good name for this family) and hides it away from the door so Jordan won’t see it when she comes over to get tan.

Debbie Tye is off her rocker. She is guarding the brown cardboard box like it is the launch code for an ICBM. What on Earth does she think will happen? If someone sees that box, they would not really care and believe me after seeing the routine, no one will copy it, ever.

After Jordan leaves the room, Emily says “I think Jordan is a big competition for me but I think I could do pretty good against her.”

I don’t know what it is, but there is something about Emily. It’s almost like she is really sneaky or mean or very insincere. I feel like she is hiding her real persona.

Well up next, it is finally pageant day and thank God, we haven’t seen Michael Galanes at all yet in this episode. And there he is in all his glory. Michael is the pageant director, a coach, mentor and friend.

There are 15 contestants in the pageant this week. Emily is by herself in a room with her Mom fixing her hair. Jordan is with everybody else and has a professional do her hair and makeup.

The camera goes over to Emily. She says she is not a morning person. Interesting for a nine year old to not be a morning person. Emily’s Gramma says she thinks one eyebrow is thicker than the other. But she is wearing too much makeup. Emily and her Mom and her Gramma are all off by themselves. Remember when Emily said that she likes to see all the faces? Well so far the only faces she is seeing before the pageant are her Mom and her Gramma. They are hiding like Emily is the Queen of the World and they don’t want to divulge any of their secrets. It really looks stupid and I’m starting to think that editing is not the biggest problem for these people.

Jordan is ready but she is not happy about her hair. She has it a different way, it looks pretty but she doesn’t like it. I get the feeling that Emily is happy that Jordan is not happy. Am I crazy or is Emily glad that Jordan hates her hair? Maybe it’s just me.

Enought of the preparation, it’s time for the pageant to begin and my little Gasmii, you won’t be disappointed this week, Michael pulls out all the stops.

Michael says “My name is Michael and I’ll be the Julie McCoy of this Love Boat.” What a hoot!!!! He is very accurate in his description. He runs around like Julie McCoy and he is just as peppy as she was.

This pageant is divided into three parts, the interview is first, then Wow Wear and then formal wear. The Wow Wear portion is where contestants get dressed up to show part of their personality or to do a dance routine, or gymnastics or something to showcase their talents.

The kids are in their t-shirts and all ready for the first part of the contest, the interview. Jordan was up first. Michael asked her What is your favorite holiday and what do you love to do on that holiday?

Jordan is very relaxed and says “Christmas because I get to see all my family and friends and this Christmas I get to go with my friend Amber to her ski condo.” I thought Jordan was very relaxed and gave a great answer. She expanded on it and she sounded good.

Next up Emily.

Michael says to Emily “Tell me the favorite thing you love to do at the pageants.” Emily says “I love to come and see my friends and come on stage and get all of my energy out.” Then Michael asks “What category do you get the most energy out?” Emily says “Well here it would be wow wear, but mostly swim wear.” Nyasha loves Emily.

The interviews are complete. I think both of the featured girls did really well, but you never know how they will score this stuff. So the girls go off to get ready for their Wow Wear.

Once again, Emily is off with her Mom and Gramma, hiding the box in their room. Emily is eating and her Mom and Gramma are doing stuff.

Emily’s outfit is a swiss dress, her hair is braided, but the makeup is the same. I would think you would want her to look like a doll or mannekin so you would change her makeup more, but I’m not her Mom. Emily says “I think I will wow the juges because I have a really cool prop.” I guess she is talking about the cardboard box that her Mom and Gramma are guarding with their lives.

And again, Debbie covers the box when they take it downstairs on the elevator like she is guarding the secret code to open a vault. It’s a brown cardboard box. I think someone is a little too self important. No one wants to copy the box, seriously, no one and after her routine, no one will even know what it was for.

Besides, we had a kid pretend to be a doll in a box two weeks ago and that was a lot cuter than this thing.

So Emily takes the stage inside her box. She comes out and rings a bell. She puts that down and walks around and makes some faces. I have no idea what she is doing. Then she holds up a card that tells the crowd to get up and do the chicken dance. The judges just look confused. I’m with them. I have no idea what she is doing or why she is doing it. She must think that no one else in history has ever played inside a cardboard box. When we were little my sister and I were in the box our refrigerator came in for weeks. We colored it like a playhouse and had windows cut out…..sorry I digress.

Emily gets out of the box and does this.

Then she got back in the box.

Since Emily did this routine before, I was surprised that Emily didn’t seem to know what to do. Eventually she got off stage and went to sit with her Mom. When Emily finished her routine, she walked off and pouted. Personally I was hoping she would just get back in the box and stay there.

Next up is Jordan. If Emily’s routine was weird and slow, Jordan’s is the opposite.

Jordan had enthusiasm, did really cute walks and trick and the splits all while holding the tray and then she shouted “order up!”. She looked great and did a great job. The judges loved her. They did not love Emily’s routine. Emily and her Mom and Gramma watched Jordan’s routine and did not look happy about it.

When Jordan finished her routine, Emily and her Mom and Gramma were not very happy.

When the Wow Wear was complete, Emily went into full pouting mode.

The next part of the pageant is the formal wear. I noticed that Debbie Tye left the box in the hallway by the conference room where the pageant was being held. Gee for something you covered up like it was a state secret, it sure lost it’s shine. I guess maybe a brown box is not that great.

So we are at the final part of this pageant. I noticed that Debbie is no longer hiding Emily like she is the Queen of Egypt or anything. They are letting her great ready around the regular girls. I think they are hoping for some goodwill if they start sucking up to the other contestants.

Emily is upset because of her Wow Wear performance. I would be too if I did something like that. It was not a routine, it was a mess. David Gilbert said “There was too much going on, she was a cuckoo, a chicken dance.”

Debbie says “I was confident after the interview, but now I’m nervous.” Now you’re nervous? Did you watch that mess of a routine? I think you should be embarrassed that you made such a big deal out of nothing.

Jordan did very well in the pageant so far. She is ready for the formal wear. She looks great and has a cute dress. Jordan goes out on stage and does all her poses and turns.

Next up is Emily. When she goes out Debbie and her Mom start to cry when they see Emily in her dress. They’ve seen this kid before and I don’t know if I could cry after 150 pageants, but hey, she’s the Mom not me.

While Emily is on stage, Nyasha and David discuss Emily’s hair. David says “There is something not perfect about her hair.” Then Deedy pipes up and says she doesn’t like her hair either. This gives me a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe this week, the person I like will win the pageant.

Here are a couple of other hairdo’s from this part of the pageant.

I hope this little girl has good health insurance. If that wig shifts, she could get whiplash or something.

This girl’s hair is so pretty.

So the rest of the girls all parade up on the stage and have their turn in the formal wear part of the pageant. The judges excuse themselves and give the ballots to Michael so he can total them up and come up with the winner.

Then the judges start to discuss the pageant. First up David talks about Emily’s Wow Wear, or should it be called Lack of Wow Wear routine. He says it was weird, swiss miss, bell and she was in a chicken coop. Deedy was confused, she said Emily was a cuckkoo clock, but a chicken and “I didn’t get it.” Deedy you are not alone, I didn’t get it either.

David said about Emily’s routine “It was just a little too junky.”

Then they move on to discuss Jordan’s routine. Nyasha says ” Jordan was amazing. I know that routine was flawless.” David says ” I did prefer Jordan’s wow wear. Jordan was a little bit sitffer to me in the gown competition than Emily was.”

Nyasha says “I think Emily and Jordan are great contenders. I really don’t know which one is going to win honestly.” David says “They are neck and neck even as far as I’m concerned.”

But then Deedy talks and she says “I’ve fallen in love with Destiny Ellis”. Deedy goes on “as far as facial beauty and inner sparkle, she’s just flawless.”

WHAT??? I had to replay the pageant to see which one she was. I thought she was cute, but come on we know how this contest is going to work.

One of the featured girls should win and I want Jordan. The little girl who loves to compete, does her own choreaography and actively works to improve herself. Emily was kind of just blowing off rehearsing. I’m sure she never worked up a sweat except maybe when she was locked in her cardboard box.

So we go back to the stage for crowning. And I have to mention a couple of things. First, Deedy and Nyasha are wearing their third outfit this afternoon. I guess if the kids change, they can too. And, Head Judge David is pulling out the chairs for Deedy and Nyasha both times they came back into the pageant conferance room. He does both chairs at once, what a man.

But first, Michael has to sing us his little song. For those of us who witness this each week, just turn away from the TV for a couple minutes or if you recorded it, hit the FF to get to the crowning. Ok, yup we know the song, yup, take us on that wild ride. OK cut to the end.

So they announced the Top 5, both Jordan and Emily are in the Top 5. And one of the big haired girls is in the top 5, way to go honey!Then they whittle it down until only Jordan and Emily are left on stage.

Then they announce the first runner up is Jordan, Emily won the pageant.

I guess Emily deserved it, especially since she had to fight her way out of that dorky box and talk to her imaginary friends all weekend.

And once again, Jordan the one I liked loses. I wonder if I’m just jinxing these girls. No, maybe it’s because I have a different set of criteria.

Jordan was robbed.

Emily fake smiles and her Mom fake smiles and I notice, they never do pick up that important state secret box of theirs. It’s funny how her perfect routine fell apart when faced with a dynamic and not at all forced routine by I think, a better competitor.

Until next week my loves, we have only one episode left to savor and I can tell you that there is an actual controversy attached to the final show.

Now let’s do our little pageant girl wave,
wipe a tear,
touch your pearls,
touch the crown
and wave.

Love and luck,

TVannie