Little Miss Perfect – Return of The Pageant Monster

Hey Gasmii, we’re back with another season of Little Miss Perfect. This pageant features a very special component called “Wow Wear”. More on that later, but just remember, this TV show is responsible for spreading the “Wow Wear Concept” across the entire globe. Wow Wear is going for Global Domination!!!

Let’s meet this week’s contestants. We begin this week with Destinee, she is an 8 year old girl from Stephensville, TX. Her Mom Tracy has been entering Destinee in pageants for about 3 years and says that Destinee “sparkles” on the stage. Destinee is a cute little girl with long brown hair and big eyes. She has a cute smile and says she loves to compete in pageants.

Destinee’s Dad Sha (yup his name is Sha) says that she wants to be a movie star or a singer and they support her in whatever she chooses to do. I should note right here that Destinee’s Mom has really long hair and big eyes like her daughter. She’s pretty but when Destinee is practicing, her Mom’s eyes look like they are going to pop out of her head. I think she’s probably just nervous but it’s kind of surprising when they do a close up of her and not in a good way.

Next we are introduced to Shelbie. Shelbie is 9 and is also rehearsing at home for her Mom Tracy, Dad and her brother. I can’t imagine what you have to promise a little boy in order to get him to watch his little sister rehearse for a beauty pageant, much less be filmed for TV watching your sister and giving her feedback. I see a new video game in this kid’s future or maybe a sleepover for 10 of his little friends and a couple of cases of Mountain Dew and all the candy they can eat.

Shelbie’s brother is a good sport and says he can see it in Shelbie’s face when she is not doing so well so he gives her a signal. I’m assuming he doesn’t flip her the bird, but who knows.

Upstairs away from her family, Shelbie gives a little speech where she tells us she likes to do pageants with her Mom because her Dad and brother go hunting all the time and doing pageants makes her relationship with her Mom stronger so they can hang out together. I have to admit, it was heartwarming to hear her say that.

I wonder how long it took her to memorize that little speech. When she was done she let out a big sigh like she had worked on it all night long. I remember having to recite stuff in church when I was a kid and this pageant thing is starting to take on a kind of religious nature. It’s on a weekend, people are dressed up, there is singing and crying and babies and someone goes home mad about something and people gossip about each other. Yup, just like church.

And then wouldn’t you know it, Stacie (Shelbie’s Mom) has to go and say something that really gets me angry. She says that Shelbie’s never been the “total package”.

STOP and think before you open your yap about this “total package” nonsense. Shelbie’s feelings about her self image should not be judged by you or a panel of judges or even Mr. Pageant Michael Galanes. So knock it off with the total package stuff!!! Shelbie is beautiful she should not need a crown on her head or a nod from a judge to feel good about herself. You should be instilling her with self-confidence and a healthy self image. Otherwise she will end up a bitter plastic young woman like that awful Heidi from The Hills. IS that what you really want for Shelbie? I didn’t think so, so knock it off about this “total package” bullsh**!!! Got it??

OK, I’m calm now, just need a sip of soda. There I’m all better.

Well, now we come to the part of the show we’ve all been waiting for, we get to meet the man himself. Drum roll please, the one and only, the King Of Wow, the Prince of Pageants and the Duke of Earl, uh sorry…. Michael Galanes. He is the pageant director, coach and all around wonderful guy. (wild clapping is appropriate at this point)

Michael is having a Wow Wear clinic to help all the girls in the pageant. His first words? JAZZ HANDS!!!

Michael tells us that Wow Wear gives the contestants freedom to express themselves. One little girl told him when she grows up she wants to be a Vegas Showgirl. Way to go Michael, now that’s a dream come true for any Mom and Dad, forget law school, forget teaching.. a Vegas showgirl. I wonder how long before she starts getting a Brazillian wax for her “Vegas Wow Wear”.

Michael is a genius he has the entire room full of little girls and their Mom’s speechless. They watch as he shows the little girls how to really “sell it” when they take the stage and how to really break out and take over. Michael does a great pageant stride and knows how to pop his poses so everyone is mesmerized by his awesome talent. It’s funny how animated he is because he talks and moves, everything except his face. It’s as smooth as a baby’s butt without a line or bump.

Destinee is rehearsing her Wow Wear routine. She has a coach, Jessie who is helping her do a western dance. She is wearing a holster and has two cap guns and a big cowboy hat. The one thing she wants to add to the routine is a heel stretch. Every time Destinee tries to do the heel stretch she hops around and stumbles. Heel stretches are hard and I don’t know why in the world this little girl thinks she needs to grab her heel while wearing boots, a hat and guns, but this is Texas so maybe it’s a regional thing.

Over in Shelbie’s world, she’s getting her teeth polished. Yes, that’s what I said, she’s getting her teeth polished by her orthodontist so her smile will sparkle at the pageant. The only problem is that Shelbie has very sensitive teeth, so this hurts her a lot. But do they stop? No way man, she wants those sparkling choppers. Ouch I hope he doesn’t do this before every pageant or she might be left with little stubs by the time she’s 16.

Back to Destinee. She is working with her pageant coach Nicki. Nicki is apparently very knowledgeable and experienced in pageantry. While Destinee hops around trying to grab her foot for her heel stretch, Nicki sits on the couch and puts her chin in her hand and nods very seriously like she watching a surgeon perform a delicate operation.

I like coaches that just sit there and nod their heads. It’s called “quiet coaching” and doesn’t involve actually getting up and moving a whole lot which is great if you have a comfy couch and don’t want to get up. How much do you think you would make an hour for all this thoughtful nodding?

Back to Shelbie. Shelbie is greeting her dressmaker Miss Sheila, who has just finished Shelbie’s Wow Wear outfit. It’s a black and pink short dress, with ruffles and sequins, beads, crinolines, mesh. It kind of looks like an outfit for a clogger, but she is wearing pink cowboy boots with it.

Now while I think the outfit is awful, Shelbie looks really cute and I am totally jealous of her pink cowboy boots.

Over at Destinee’s home, she is worried about doing her heel stretch in her Wow Wear routine. Destinee says that “it’s the wowiest” thing in her routine and she doesn’t want to drop it from the routine. Tracey tells Destinee that they need to talk about the heel stretch, that’s code for, we’re cutting it out of the routine because you can’t really do it.

Shelbie’s Mom is up next. She is working on Shelbie’s dress for the beauty part of the pageant. She says she is “stoning” her dress. At first I thought she said she was stoned and making her dress which would actually make sense looking at this dress that includes sequins, stones, ruffles and feathers. This dress has more crap on it than her “Wow Wear” outfit.

Shelbie is all excited because Michael is doing a “house call” to help her with her Wow Wear routine. Michael comes over and tells her he will help her so she will be confident when she goes to the pageant. Shelbie does her routine for him so he can give her feedback.

Michael tells her that it was good, but was not a “wow”. He tells her she must “break out” and do a dance or something unexpected to really wow the judges. He suggests calling another person on stage to dance with her. This sounds like a good idea to Stacy and they have someone in mind to dance with Shelbie.

Then Michael explains his awesome talent to us. He says “It’s this innate gift that I have. The animals had Dr. Seuss and the pageant community has me.” It’s true, Michael does have a gift. He was born to a woman who was the original creator of the Wow Wear concept and she passed that along to Michael before he was even born. When this woman arrived at the hospital in this outfit, everyone was wowed.

OK we all know Michael meant Dr. Doolittle because he talked to the animals, but this guy is on a roll so let’s just pretend that statement made sense. I know how lucky I feel to have Michael Galanes on this show, I can only imagine the gratitude that the entire pageant community feels toward this Dr. Seuss of pageants. I imagine that once each day they all bow their heads and thank their lucky stars that they have the creator of Wow Wear on speed dial. You would be surprised to hear of some of the people that work on their own Wow Wear routines.

Finally Gasmii, we are off to the Big D for the Little Miss Perfect Pageant- Dallas. I want to mention that Texas has a long tradition of beauty pageants. This is the only state that consistently turns out women who can wear a swimsuit and high heals and walk down a flight of stairs without falling or looking bow legged. It’s a skill handed down from generation to generation.

Shelbie is in the hotel and is getting her hair and makeup done because she is having a photo shoot the night before the pageant. This sounds like a lot to put a kid through in addition to another rehearsal the same night, but this is her hobby and her parents want her to compete and to do well.

As Shelbie’s hair is worked over, we find out that she doesn’t like having her hair done because it hurts. She is nearly in tears and her Mom is less than helpful. Her Mom tells her that if she starts to cry, they’ll just stop and finally Shelbie says “I’m trying to deal with it!!” Listen blue eye shadow Mom, no little girl should ever have to utter the words “I’m trying to deal with it.” She sounds like an overworked and underpaid catalog model who is modeling wool sweaters in 90 degree heat. Back off.

Poor Shelbie, first she had her teeth polished which hurt because she has sensitive teeth and now someone is ratting her hair so much her head hurts. How much more torture do they have in store for this little girl? I’m guessing this is what total package is all about and I hope she never gets it again.

I’m not going to describe the photo shoot other than to say it was weird, they had her in this beaded headdress that looked like it was worn by a belly dancer or something. Not the best look for someone trying be named “Little Miss Perfect”. In that outfit she looked more like “Little Miss Halloween”.

Destinee and her Mom and Dad are over at her coach’s house and they are picking up her Wow Wear outfit. She puts it on and comes out wearing black chaps with a fringe and cutout hearts in the butt and a western shirt, boots, hat, holster, etc. It was cute until Sha (her Dad) told her to shake her booty and they all laughed.

Destinee and her family are at the hotel on pageant day and she is doing one last rehearsal. She puts her flipper in and we watch her try to talk and smile with this freakish, ill fitting dental appliance. Why any coach or judge thinks this is better than real teeth is beyond me. I think little girls and little boys look cute when they lose their teeth, it’s freakin’ adorable, but I guess I’m not a trained pageantry person much to the relief of my entire family.

But there is one other thing going on with 8 year old Destinee, she’s not feeling well her stomach hurts and she has to go to the bathroom. With a very concerned look Destinee’s Dad – Sha says if she continues to not feel good, they will pull her out of the pageant.

This poor little girl is 8 years old and has her hair up in rollers, with a weird dental thing and a stomach ache. Sha should be a parent and just take her home. They actually leave it up to Destinee whether or not she participates in the pageant. I understand that she is the one who worked so hard, but I don’t think I would leave a question of health up to my 8 year old daughter. Tears or no tears, we’d be on our way home.

Meanwhile, did anyone else get a creepy flesh crawling shiver when the pageant started or was it just me? I felt an evil presence, a cold dark presence. There is evil here and it’s not JR this time.

I thought it was just my imagination but then, dah, DAH DAHHHHHH!!! There she is!! right over there look!!

For those of you who didn’t watch Toddlers & Tiaras last year, Jamie Sterling is the Mom to 5 daughters. There sitting on the floor making a face and crying while someone tries to spray her hair, is BreAnne Sterling.

BreAnne is one of the five Sterling sisters. She has a fraternal twin named AshLynn. Jamie Sterling their Mom, flat out said that BreAnne is the prettiest of her 5 girls and that she looks more like her Mommy than the rest of the girls. She also said BreAnne is more outgoing and fun and that AshLynn is just AshLynn. AshLynn told the camera she doesn’t like being in pageants and competing against her sister because she never wins.

It was heartbreaking and so upsetting TLC had to take down the Toddlers & Tiaras message board about 24 hours after they aired that episode last year and it has yet to return. Some people were so upset with the emotional abuse this lady heaped on AshLynn they called Child Protective Services and one person posted the Sterling’s home address.

So in addition to the normal pressures, we have the evil monster of the pageant world, Jamie Sterling. Thank goodness Michael Galanes is the Dr. Seuss of pageants, maybe he can fight her evil presence and destroy her evil power before she completely destroys what is left of AshLynn’s self-confidence.

Shelbie is out of hair and makeup and she looks like she just walked out of 1965. Her hair was done by a lady named Vera who teased it and sprayed it into a “flip” which was very popular in 1965. It’s too bad this isn’t the Little Miss 1965 pageant. It’s a good thing Shelbie is good at her routines, she’s got to fight her painful teeth, her head ache and now a head full of 1965 hair. She’s got an uphill battle.

It’s pageant time and time for Michael Galanes to share his incredible talent with all of us. I half expect to hear the theme from “2001 – A Space Oddessy” when Michael enters ala Elvis. Maybe next year if this show is picked up for a third season.

We start with the introduction of the judges. We have the same three as last season only now they come out on the stage and are formally introduced.

First up is judge Deedy. She is apparently a boutique owner.

Next is David Gilbert who is a veteran judge according to Michael, he has judged over 400 pageants.

And last but not least Nyasha Zimucha who is now a recording artist and beauty consultant.

First up is the interview, BreAnne Sterling is contestant #1. Michael asks her what she wants to be when she grows up. She says she wants to be a cowgirl. That’s a good answer from a cute little Texan. Mom’s favorite was #1, what a surprise.

Shelbie is next, Michael asks her if there is something she has always wanted to do. Shelbie said she has always wanted to go to Disneyworld. Shelbie is really poised on stage and not a bit nervous talking to Michael. The judges are all nodding their heads because they are impressed with her poise. However, the hairdo has to be working against her at this point. She looks like she was auditioning for “The Brady Bunch”.

Finally we have Destinee. Two things strike me about Destinee’s hair, first of all she is now a blonde so apparently they dyed her hair last night and second, she is wearing a pouff on the front of her hair. Kind of like one of mini “Bump-It” things you see on TV. It looks weird. It’s like Snooki’s pouff from “Jersey Shore”, but it’s smaller and it’s on the front of her head.

Michael asks Destinee if she could trade places with someone who would she want to trade with and why. She says she would trade with her Mom and take out the garbage and feed the dog. I have a feeling that the garbage and feeding the dog are things she could be doing right now. Destinee was nervous and it showed, but she is fighting that stomach thing, so maybe that’s why she didn’t do so well.

When they show Destinee’s parents in the audience, her Mom looks psychotic. She has a frozen smile on her face and her eyes are open so far it looks like they will pop out at any moment. Her Dad Sha, just looks constipated. Even when Sha smiles, he looks like he is in pain.

When the camera pans the crowd, we see BreAnne and AshLynn sitting in the crowd. AshLynn is sitting on someone’s lap, but it is not her Mom or Dad. Apparently Jamie is smart enough to stay away from all photo opportunities on this show.

Next up is the Wow Wear. Upstairs, we find out that Destinee is still not feeling well and is in the bathroom again. Destinee’s Mom is all teary eyed and says that Destinee is determined to work through this pain. She says that after the pageant she will make sure that Destinee gets a lot of rest.

Good grief lady!! Your daughter is 8 years old not 18. If she is sick, take her home. In the long run, pageants are just not that important. But of course, no one does this and the poor kid goes on with the show.

Shelbie is ready for her routine and her Mom tells her she can have some chicken nuggets from McD’s after her Wow Wear routine because it won’t matter what her lips look like after she’s done. Lipstick before hunger is her motto.

Shelbie takes the stage and looks really cute and does a cute little dance. Then she calls up a teenage girl who is also really cute wearing cut -offs, boots and a shirt tied under her boobs. They do a little dance and then Shelbie shoos the girl away from the stage with a swing of her hips like she is dismissing this girl. I have to admit, this was eye-catching and well-rehearsed. Even though the outfit is a little over the top, Shelbie looked really good.

Michael acts like he has never seen anything this funny in his life. He is laughing like he is going to pee in his pants and he is pounding the podium. The judges are laughing too, but not like Michael. I wonder why he thought this was so funny?

Next up is Destinee, she is still sick but remember “the show must go on” so she does her Wow Wear routine which actually looks pretty subdued compared to Shelbie’s routine. Destinee’s parents applaud wildly like they’ve never seen anything like this in their entire lives. That’s how parents should applaud.

Finally we are onto the final part of the pageant. Michael calls this the Evening Wear competition.

Shelbie is getting her hair done by Vera from 1965. This time they are adding a huge hair piece to the back of her head. Then Vera says you can’t really do a big hairdo on Shelbie because she has a little head. If this is Vera’s idea of small hair, I can only imagine that big hair would have it’s own zip code.

Michael introduces this part of the pageant by saying this is the time when the little girl can be a princess, and what little girl doesn’t want that? Well, I can think of several people including myself who wanted nothing to do with girly dresses and pageants when I was little. I was happier playing in dirt and swimming.

Meanwhile just to remind us who is at this pageant, they pan over to BreAnne who is sitting on the floor in a pink dress crying. I don’t know if this is intentional, but every time they show BreAnne she is crying or angry and pouting. It’s awesome to see the real BreAnne on camera. AshLynn looks as subdued as always, she’s just a quiet little lady. And I love AshLynn in yellow, it’s my favorite color and she looks great in it.

Up first is Shelbie, she looks great but when she turns around David says she has too much hair and Nyasha says she was going to give her 10 of 10 until she saw the back of her head. Hey Vera, it’s not 1965 and you still put too much hair on Shelbie’s head.

Destinee comes out and looks lovely and although she has spent most of the day in the bathroom, she doesn’t look sick. I noticed she’s not trailing toilet paper on her shoes when she goes on stage, so that’s good and there is nothing running down her legs. Poor kid. Maybe her parents put some of those “Oops I Crapped My Pants” things on her.

Well the contest is over, the judges and Michael go to a conference room. The judges turn over their ballots to Michael and begin to dish about the girls. Deedy says that Anna Grace has the most beautiful face she has seen. David thinks that Destinee is a strong competitor . Deedy thinks that Shelbie is a little spitfire.

So it’s time for crowning. There are 7 little girls on stage but before anyone can be crowned, it’s time for Michael to sing to our little hopefuls. So he breaks out in that creepy song.

“The Little Miss Perfect pageant,
where all your dreams come true,
the Little Miss Perfect pageant,
where the special one is you.”

And of course, my favorite line “hop on the magic carpet, and take a wild ride”.

It’s time to name the top five. They are Anna Grace, Brittany, Shelbie, Alaina and Destinee. The two remaining girls leave the stage.

So here are the results, 3rd runner up is Brittany. Next, 2nd runner up is Destinee. Then first runner up is Anna Grace which means the winner is Shelbie. Shelbie is really excited and her Mom is crying. I guess that Shelbie was finally the “Total Package”. Unfortunately this means her Mom will probably continue to torture her prior to the next pageant.

Until next week Gasmii, let’s all do our pageant girl wave.

Touch the pearls, wipe the tears, touch the crown and wave.

Hugs,

TVannie