Live to Dance: Dance Off (My TV, Please)

Well Gasmi, here we are at episode two of Paula’s Live to Dance.  I’m a little concerned before I even begin the recap given the fact that I fell asleep about 10 minutes into this episode the first time I tried to watch it.  And no, the bottle of vodka I consumed beforehand had nothing whatsoever to do with that.

Even sober I’m feeling a little snoozy.

Before we get into the episode itself, I have to take a moment to express just how much I absolutely fucking hate the song for this song.  HATE.  Okay, now we can continue.

Is it just me or is this outfit even more disturbing the second time around?

We start this evening with an extended recap/preview combo from our lame host Andrew.  Oh goody!  Looks like they’re ripping off SYTYCD tonight and heading out across the country to tell people whether or not they’ve made it onto the show.  Fuuuuuuck.  If you’re going to rip off another show could be for something that I like?  Like how about casting amazing dancers?  Hello?

Now that we’ve made it through the audition phase, it’s time for the judges to decide who will make it through to the semi finals.  Andrew tells us it’s going to be a daunting task.  Whatever, Andrew.  Try recapping this shit then you can come back and talk about daunting tasks, you fucking pussy.

I miss Cat’s crazy outfits.

The judges tell us about the amazing acts they’ve seen so far and how hard it’s going to be to narrow them down.  I think that either they’ve neglected to show us a bunch of the acts or the judges are all on crack.  There are a couple of acts I definitely want to see move on based on what we saw last night, but other than them, I saw a whole lot of meh.

There are eighteen spots in the semi finals, so the judges have a lot of cutting to do.  They should probably start by cutting anyone that didn’t get all three gold stars, but that would require logic (and include many duds) so they’re not going to go that route.

Instead they start out by rewatching acts on a big TV and make comments about how many great acts they have to choose from.  We get clips of routines, many that we haven’t seen before but nothing that lasts for more than a few seconds.

This is where my eyelids started to get heavy the first time around.

During the discussion we see a clip of a new group, Theatrix, that we didn’t see in the first episode.  It looks like they did a sort of hip hop/musical theater combo style and part of their routine was danced to music from Newsies.

I have a soft spot for musicals so I’m thinking I might actually like this group.  Travis tells the gals that he has a special spot in his heart for Newsies because he was actually in it.  He was?  Yep, he tells them, it was his first movie.  I of course run over to IMDB to confirm this and he was indeed a dancer in the movie.  Guess who else was a dancer in the movie.  Brian Friedman.  I LOVE Brian!!!  Too bad Paula didn’t get HIM to be a judge on this show.  Anyway, because Travis has this deep emotional connection to the movie, he just doesn’t feel like they nailed it.

I was way better.  Just sayin.  Hey, have I mentioned that I worked with Michael Jackson?

He is never going to shut up about Michael Jackson, is he?

They move on to discuss Jill and Jacob, the teenage duo that I liked from the first episode.  The judges liked them too and so we have our first official act moving on to the semi finals.  They also say yes to Tap Sounds Underground (I also liked what we saw of them) and Twitch (decent dancers with unfortunate costume choices).

Kendall Glover (competition kid with too much makeup) is not as lucky and gets a maybe, while the former Solid Gold dancers thankfully get the boot.

Next we get a clip of a group I definitely want to see more of.  They call themselves Dance Town Chaos, and if they’re actually from Dance Town?  Chance are they’ll be really fucking good.

Please sir, may I have another?

Kimberly thinks that they need help in order to connect with the masses, but Travis doesn’t think it’s hard to understand what they do.  Paula agrees with Travis.  This leads into a discussion about ballet being the basis for all dancing and Kimberly saying how much she loved White Tree Fine Art (ballet duo with man and woman corsets).

Can I say how much I hate most of the names these groups have?  Did they come up with them on their own or did the producers make them up?  I guess it doesn’t really matter; they are LAME regardless.  Anyway, Travis isn’t super excited about them, but Kimberly LOVES them.  Paula thinks they’re gorgeous.  No word on whether or not they get through.

We’re now down to two spots and four acts that the judges just can’t seem to pare down.  Paula thinks that they should do a dance off.  From there the judges will pick one group to move forward and the last spot will be decided by America.  Oh joy.

So now the judges (and Andrew) are ready to head out across the country to let people know whether or not they’ve made it onto the show.

Hi Nigel, I won’t come on to your show; I’ll just steal liberally from it!  LuvUMeanitBye.

First Paula visits the adorable little duo from last night, D’Angela and Amanda.  You may remember that I really liked these two.  Honestly, I’ll be floored if they don’t make it through.  Of course they make it through, but not before Paula breathes all over them, probably getting them drunk off her fumes in the process.

Poor D’Angelo.  What a lightweight.

Oh, fuck me sideways!  Guess who else is making it through?

Still trying for that threesome I see.

Ugh.  I was really hoping that they wouldn’t make it through, but somehow I knew it was going to fucking happen.  BOO.

Jalen and his weepy dad don’t even get a live visit.  Maybe Kimberly was worried about the dad blubbering all over her.  And blubber he does because his kid is moving on up to the big stage.

Also getting through via phone and/or webcam are a bunch of people I don’t remember seeing, the Justin Bieber haircut kid, The Vibe, Dance Town Chaos (YAY), high schooler Du-Shaunt, and the zombie kids.  Paula’s personally visits to break the news to Twitch, while Kimberly travels to give good news to Chi-Town Finest Breakers (little kids that are cuter than they are good).

Travis visits Newsies inspired Theatrix to tell them that they haven’t made the show, but have another chance in the form of a danceoff.  Kimberly delivers the same new to White Tree Fine Art, Andrew breaks it down for In The Box, and Paula makes the announcement to Kendall’s entire school during assembly.

Nothing like being told you’re not quite there yet in front of your whole school.  Nice, Paula.

After a short break, we’re ready to get the danceoff started!  I keep thinking about the Café Disco episode of The Office every time they say danceoff.  Sadly, Kelly and Andy may actually be more talented than some of the acts that have already made it onto the show.

Anyway, we’ve got Theatrix, White Tree Fine Art, In The Box and Kendall Glover competing for the final two spots in the semi finals.  Up first, Inside the Box.  Oops!  Looks like I’ve been getting their name wrong.  Don’t care.

Andrew wonders why the judges gave them a second chance, but I could give a rat’s ass, let’s just get to the performance, okay?  Oh, they also rehearsed and shit.

My opinion remains unchanged: not as good as the worst crew I’ve seen on ABDC.

Next is Kendall Glover’s second shot.

She listened to Paula and toned down the makeup, but I still wish someone would work more on finishing with this girl.  She can actually dance; she just rushes through the movements. I also hate the inclusion of gymnastics in the routine.  I know, I know, you’ve never heard me bitch about that before.

We move on to the encore presentation of White Tree Fine Art.

No corsets this time around and I’m glad because I can focus on the dancing rather than the odd costume choice.  I actually thought they were pretty solid; as has become the theme of this show, they didn’t WOW me, but I thought they were a lot better than some of the acts we’ve seen get through already (old folks, zombies, little kid breakers – you know who you are).  I wouldn’t want to gauge my eyes out if I had to watch them dance again.

Our final act in the danceoff is Theatrix.

I see what Travis meant about them; they ARE good, but not great.  I actually enjoyed the number, but they danced to “Footloose”.   You gotta love the cheesy goodness of that, right?  It was a fun number, I will give them that.

The same cannot be said of Kimberly’s outfit

Why would anyone want to wear an outfit that makes their boobs look all weird like that?

So based on what we’ve seen in the danceoff, I have to say my first choice to go on to the next round is definitely White Tree Fine Art (despite their pretentious name), and I guess Theatrix since we already seem to have our little cute kid quotient filled at this point.

We take a break so the judges can make their decision.

When we come back the judges blather at the dancers for a couple of minutes, telling them what they think of each of them.  We’re skipping over that because if I have to listen to their inane comments my head may just explode into a million pieces.  I am not exaggerating.

Andrew tells us the time has come.  Paula, please tell us who the judges will be putting through to the semi finals.  Drum roll please………..brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…………………..

Eh.

I guess I understand why they did this since America was bound to put her little kid ass through anyway, but I’m a little annoyed by this.  Don’t we have enough little kiddies in the semi finals already?  Bleh.  Thanks for taking a dump on ballet, Paula & Co.  Assholes.

So now the final spot is up to America to decide.  Will it be Inside the Box, White Tree Fine Art, or Theatrix?  Knowing America the way I do I’m fairly certain that it won’t be WTFA.  At this point I can only hope that Theatrix is able to edge out Inside the Box since I think the latter is the worst of this bunch.

What did you think, Gasmi?  Were you glued to your seat waiting to see who they’d put through? Or were you like me and fell asleep the first time around?  Who do you hope to see get put through?  Are you going to watch with me?

The next episode starts the semi final rounds, so we’ll have six groups going head to head.  Which mean we’ll also have a shit load of filler.  Stock up on the booze because we’re going to need it!  See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth