Live to Dance: Semi Finals, Semi Awful

Oh, Gasmi.  I was hoping and hoping that once we reached the semi finals of this show that it would improve.  Alas, it has not.  This show has actually gone from a mere celebration of mediocrity to a full blown stinky cheesefest.

Suddenly I’m feeling very lactose intolerant

Well, wishing it were better ain’t gonna make it so.  I guess that means I need to just rip the bandaid off and get down to it.  I promise to try to minimize the pain as best as possible.  Are you ready for the first two semifinal rounds of Live to Dance?

But wait, not so fast.  When I actually sat down to watch the first round of semi finals I was told by CBS that Live to Dance was airing at 9pm instead of 8pm as advertised.  Huh.  I guess it’s a good thing I was actually gonna watch live that night instead of just DVR it, right?

I quickly ran upstairs to the DVR and reset it to now tape what the guide showed as Criminal Minds.

Who I wish I were watching instead of Paula.

Yum.  Let’s just say if Shemar were judging this show I would not complain about it at all, crappy acts or no crappy acts.  Anyway, now having some extra time on my hands, I decide to catch up on some e-mails and play a game of online mah jong or two.

In the middle of a winning game, I hear a sound from the TV downstairs.  It sort of sounds like Obama is on my TV.  That’s weird; I didn’t hear anything about him being scheduled for any addresses tonight.  Huh.  Maybe it’s just my imagination.

Nope.

Ugh.  I hate it when my television is interrupted for politicians.  Oh wait, it’s about the shootings.  Crap.  Now I feel bad for being annoyed by this.  Not knowing how long he’ll be talking, I run back upstairs to adjust the DVR again, just in case he goes past 9pm.

Finally, at about 9:20 we’re ready to get started.  I have to admit that about twenty minutes into this the first time, I fell asleep again.  Given how much I love dance, that is truly an accomplishment for them.

After yet another overblown introduction/recap of previous shows, we are ready to get down to business.  Let’s say hello to the judges!  Andrew wants to know what it feels like to Paula, to be back on TV again.  “It’s like floating down a cotton candy river, and arriving at the sands of a brown maple syrup beach.”

Yup.  I totally believe her when she says she doesn’t pop pills.  Uh huh.  Absolutely.

She’s so humbled to have a show that celebrates this unbelievable art form.  Whatever, Paula.  If you truly wanted to celebrate dance you’d have BETTER DANCERS on this fucking show.  I am so annoyed by this entire thing.

Enough talk, it’s time to find out who America voted into the semi finals.  You may remember that the judges put through Kendall Glover, and so we’re left with White Tree Fine Art, Theatrix and Inside The Box.  And the dancers moving on to the semi finals are…….

Huh.  I’m actually surprised by this considering America isn’t always known for its love of ballet.

Time for the first round of semi finals to begin.  Tonight we’ll be seeing six performances, the judges will choose one group (or person) to move on and then America will vote on the other act that will go through to the final.  First up, The Vibe.  All eight thousand of them met with Paula in a conference room at the local Embassy Suites for some “mentoring”.

If this group wins they may each be able to pay for those warm up suits.  $500,000 doesn’t go very far when your dance group could actually populate a small country.  Paula mentors them by telling them to simplify and make their routine cleaner.  Let’s see how that works out for them.

Alright, before I even get to the dancing, I have to talk about the awful stage.  You know, I really can’t stand the stage over at SYTYCD, but this stage is so much worse than that one.  The set is cheesy as hell as well as unbelievably cheap looking, and the graphics playing during the entire dance were way too busy and distracting.

As far as the dancing goes, well, I’m continuing my mantra from the audition episodes: they were good, not great.  Really, with so many people clogging up the stage they were limited as to what they could do, and you lose the ability to actually see what they’re doing when there are so many people on stage at the same time.

Paula gives them the standing O seal clap, while Kimberly and Travis clap with their asses firmly planted in their seats.  But what did they think?  Paula?

Now if she’d only balance a ball on her nose at the same time.

She thinks it was a great way to open up the show and that they really raised the bar and the standard.  She goes on and on about the advice she gave them and even throws out there that she had told them less is more which is interesting considering all the background noise going on during their routine.  Gold star from Paula.

Travis thinks they were awesome and thinks their level of difficulty was awesome.  Are we watching the same show?  Gold star from Travis.  Kimberly says they are looking for the full package and they are what that is all about.  Gold star.

I need some Triscuits if they’re going to feed me this cheese all night.

Up next, Jittin’ Genius.  After telling us his backstory and getting a little mentoring from Paula which basically consists of her telling him she doesn’t want to see the preparation, he’s ready to perform.

He’s fun and has great energy, but again, there isn’t anything I haven’t already seen done before, and better.  My hopes for this show slid further and further down the drain.

Let’s go over to the judges.  Travis is up first this time and he wants to apologize because when they were first in the dome he wasn’t crazy about him, but now Travis is a fan.  Gold star.  Kimberly thinks his foot work is on fire; she likes what he does and thinks he is very innovative.  Gold star.  Paula thinks he is very charming, he worked it and she is proud of him.  Gold star.  These judges suck my ass.

After a short break we are going over to littlekidville with Chi-Town Finest Breakers.  Lord help me.  Their dad usually choreographs for them but today Paula is going to help them out with their routine.  Let’s see if she can push them toward greatness.

Listen.  I don’t want to be mean about little kids.  They’re adorable, and I’m sure back at home people think they’re great.  But they’re not.  Not really.  And Paula bouncing around in her seat grinning and clapping is not going to convince me that they are.

Kimberly absolutely loves them and thinks they have so much potential.  She tells them though that she still thinks they have a ways to go before giving them a red star.  Paula of course wants to only shoot sunshine and rainbows out of her ass for them and gives them a gold star.

Does her voting box thingy even have a red star button?

Travis tells them they have definitely improved since the last time they saw him, but he doesn’t think that they are the best dance act in America.  And so he gives them a red star.  Does it matter?  Nope.  From what Andrew says it sounds like the red and gold stars mean nothing at this point beyond indicating what the judges think.  Just because they’ve got two red stars doesn’t mean they’re out.  YOU could vote them into the finals, America.  So stupid.

Our next act, Austen Acevedo gets mistaken all the time for Justin Bieber.  Or so he tells us.

Someone get me a razor so I can fix this kid’s hair.

I hate that stupid Bieber Bowl cut.  It was stupid when the Beatles wore it combed straight down in the 60’s and it’s even more stupid combed over to the side.

We didn’t really see a lot of this kid during the auditions; it looks like he did a combo of lyrical and then hip hop with lyrical looking to be the stronger choice for him.  One thing for sure, the kid is limber.  He’s only been dancing for a little over a year, so I’m a little skeptical about how good he’s going to actually be.

Oy.  First of all, the fauxhawk?  Has gotta go.  You know, the thing about this kid is that with more training I think he might actually get to be really good.  He has great extension and flexibility, but his musicalilty is for shit.  He also needs to learn to finish his movements, but that will come with more training.  He’s not my favorite, but so far I think he actually might have the best shot at improving.  Oh, and he should avoid hip hop.  Seriously.

Paula says she told him right off the bat that his technique is superb.  One thing she really wishes for him is self discovery with his dance; just turn on the music and let himself go.  She thinks therein lies his true talent.  Cuck.  Coo.  And then she gives him a red star.  Whoa!  I guess fauxhawks really piss her off too.

Travis thinks he has amazing facility and ability but he needs to learn how to harness it so that the audience can appreciate it.  Red star.  Kimberly thinks he’s on his way to becoming a great dancer.  She says that contemporary is definitely his stronger genre, and then gives him a red star.  Ouch.

Oh Austen, don’t worry; just because the judges all hate your fauxhawk doesn’t mean America will hate it too.  Maybe they’ll get you confused with Bieber and vote for you.  Dang.  You should have kept the Bieber Bowl.

Oh fucknuts!  Guess who’s next?

Ahhhhhh! Put that leg down, lady!  No one wants to see your old gray cat!!!

You all know how I feel about these guys, right?  Listen, I think it’s great that they love to dance but I’m not happy that I’m being subjected to their dancing.

Giving me your sad little ole lady face is not gonna make me change my mind about your dancing!

DON’T PRETEND YOU CAN’T HEAR ME!!!!

Do I need to say what I think?  You all know, right?

Travis says they are an inspiration to millions.  But. He cannot in truth say that he thinks they are the best dance act in America.  Red star.  Thank you Travis.  Kimberly has so much love and respect for them, but she agrees with Travis.  Red star.  Paula thinks the word talent is overrated.  She thinks they awaken the spirit in every single one of us and she loves them.  Gold star.  Stupid Paula.

The last group of the evening is D’Angelo and Amanda.  Oh, ya!  I love these kids!

I have to admit to being a little disappointed.  I think they were much better the first time around.  Not that they weren’t good this time, I just feel like their routine was not as clean as crisp as their audition piece.  They are still one of my favorites though.

Paula tells them they nailed it; she has nothing else to say but WOW.  Gold star.  Travis tells them they are exquisite and super awesome.  Gold star.  Kimberly thinks the dance like true professionals.  Gold star.

We’re going to take a quick break so that the judges can decide which group they will be moving forward into the finals.  And the judges’ pick is………

Really?

I would have picked D’Angelo and Amanda, but maybe the judges think that America will put them through.  All I know is America better not put through the old people because I WILL lose my shit.

Here is where I would normally ask what your thoughts are, Gasmi.  But since we still have the second round of semi finals to get through, I’ll hold my questions until the end.  Are you ready?

Looks like Andrew’s ready.

Did someone recently try to strangle Paula?  It’s the only explanation that would make that necklace okay.

After Andrew quickly recaps the first semi final round, we are ready to find out who America has voted into the finals.  The top two vote-getting acts are on the stage waiting to hear which one of them is moving on.  Will it be Jittin’ Genius or D’Angelo and Amanda?

Yay!

From there we’re moving right into this round’s acts.  First up, Jalen.  You remember Jalen, right?  The cute little breakdancer with the crybaby dad?

I lost a toof!

I need a tissue

Jalen reminds us that Travis said he wanted to see new tricks from him the next time around, and he has been working really hard to bring something new to his routine.

I like this kid; I think he’s just adorable and I think it’s really awesome that he taught himself.  That aside, it feels like the same thing again to me; good, not great.  I wish Crybaby would get his kid some classes.  Spend less money on all those tissues, and more on your kid’s dancing if that’s what makes him happy.

Paula tells him that he’s making millions of kids just want to get up and do what he’s doing.  And then she babbles on about dedication and how she thinks he isn’t really nine, and my eyes have already glazed over.  Gold star.

Travis tells him it was really, really good; he’s happy that Jalen came back with new moves just like Travis asked.  He has a new challenge: if America or the judges bring him back, Travis wants him to add more dance moves.  Gold star.  Kimberly also loves him.  Gold star.

Does anyone have a tissue?

Next up is a duo called Dance in Flight.  They are a middle aged ballroom dancing couple.  I remember seeing clips of them from the audition show, and they look to be okay.  Gary is actually a crematorium worker who practices his dancing while burning bodies to ashes.

I guess it’s not as bad as dancing on their graves?

Eh.  They’re trying to do something that has a little bit of a musical theatre feel here, but they don’t quite pull it off.  I go back to my mantra that they’re good, not great.  Having said that, they’re definitely better than some of the other acts we’ve seen, but I continue to be un-wowed.  They also had a near miss at the end of the routine, but luckily Gary didn’t drop her.  I wonder if the judges caught that?

Travis tells them he preferred their audition routine much more than this one.

Don’t make me throw you in the oven, Travis.

He says some of the lifts were sluggish; he appreciates what they’re doing, but he wanted to see more from them.  Red star.  Kimberly feel conflicted; there’s elements of them that she loves, but she feels like Kate in particular needs to work on her lines.  She can appreciate however what they bring to the stage and gives them a gold star.

Paula loves their commitment to excellence, but she really wanted to see them commit to some of the sharper moves, especially Kate.  She points out the tumble at the end, but still gives them a gold star.

The next act will be Twitch.  You remember these guys, right?  They have sort of a Wade Robson feel, if Wade took tons and tons of Nyquil before choreographing.  They were one o the better groups, so it should be interesting to see what they bring to the stage this week.  I just hope they don’t pick horrific costumes yet again.

There is a lot of talk in their Paula session about how all the girls love the one guy in the group and it turns out he is actually dating one of the girls.

Paula and I have the same reaction to that news.

During rehearsal Paula seems to throw a brand new idea out there, essentially asking them to change an entire section of their routine.  It will be interesting to see how they handle that one.  They build some sound for that section which seems to be the group breathing hard.  Um, okay.

What is it with this group and ratty tutus?  They were alright, I guess.  It’s hard, because when you’ve seen incredible routines put together by people like Wade, or Mia Michaels, or Sonya Tayeh, you’re less likely to be blown away by a watered down version of that genre.

The crowd goes nuts for them, and Paula tells them that the biggest gift they gave her was the openness to look at their routine from a different perspective.  She thinks they were beautiful tonight.  Gold star.  Travis thinks they were hot, and the time they spent with Pala was time well spent.  He is hard pressed to find anything wrong.  Gold star.  Kimberly thinks their ability to tell a story through abstract movement is exquisite, but what she loves most is that they always dance like it could be their last time on stage.  Gold star.

Up next is Du-Shaunt Stegall, a high school popper who I still can’t believe made it through to this round of the competition since he really wasn’t that good during the audition round.  Paula seems worried during his routine, and he hopes that he can pull it off.

I’m sorry.  I just didn’t dig this at all.  This is what you might see at a high school talent show, but really has no chance of winning this competition, even in the sea of mediocrity that this show is.

Kimberly gives him props for his isolations, but as a whole performance it fell a bit flat.  Red star.  The audience boos loudly.  Obviously they all left their glasses at home this evening.  Paula tries to be uplifting to him, but tells him he needs to get into some classes.  She thinks he should keep on doing it, but still gives him a red star.

Travis tells him that he needs to find a repertoire that has more than just a few steps.  He agrees with Paula that he needs to get into some classes.  Red star.

Up next are Dax and Sarah who are Lindy hoppers.  Apparently Dax has hurt himself since the auditions happened; his back is injured which has forced them to change some things in their routine.  He really doesn’t want this to hold them back, so they go to the hospital to find out what their potions are.

Shoot me up, Doc!

Looks like Dax is getting some cortisone.  Yikes!  That could help, or it could make his injury worse if he does something he shouldn’t really do.  I guess they really want to win it, huh?

Too bad they’re not very good.  Admittedly, the Lindy hop is not one of my favorites even when done with full gusto.  Since Dax is hurt they weren’t really able to do lifts which might have helped them out a little if they could have put some in.  Only a little though because these guys aren’t really even average.  Bleh.

Andrew asks Pala that as a dancer, are injuries just something you have to cope with.

And people think I’m stupid……

The answer of course is, DUH.  Dancers dance through injuries all the time, unfortunately often times injuring themselves even worse than they were before performances.  Anyone who has danced for a number of years is bound to have performed at least once with an injury.  I’ve danced with pulled hamstrings, shin splints, and even once performed en pointe with a broken toe.  Let me tell you, that was no fun at all.

The panel all have been there as well.  Paula says it’s never easy or fun, but the best thing that dancers do is sometimes they forget about their pain for that moment and they carry through.  She says that the responsibility of dancers is to make it all look as easy as pie, and I gotta tell you, I wholeheartedly agree with her on that one.  Gold star.

I can’t believe she gave y’all a gold star.

He tells them that it was boring to him.  He wanted for them to be better, but it was not there for him tonight.  Red star.  Kimberly completely disagrees and thinks they updated the Lindy hop and transcended it for all generations.  Travis yells out that it was BORING!  Kimberly gives them a gold star.

The last act for this round is White Tree Fine Art, America’s choice from the wildcard audition show.  They tell us they had to fight for their place in the semi finals and they’re going to continue to fight their way into the finals.

Oh no, they di’int.  I cannot believe that they did the whole aerial ribbon cheesiness in this routine.  That coupled with the musical choice of “Halleluiah” is not making me love this performance.  Ugh.  That fucking ribbon is really pissing me off.  WTFA?

Kimberly jumps right out of her seat the second they are done.  She lurves them sooooooo much.

That performance made my panties wet and my nipples hard.

Gold star.  DOY.  Travis says he never thinks they’re as exciting as he wishes they were.  It’s pretty, but he wants awesome.  Red star.  This immediately causes the audience to start chanting for him to change his mind.  He refuses.  I think Travis is my favorite judge on this show.

Paula couldn’t believe that they had to wait for America’s vote to even see if they made it through to the semi finals, conveniently forgetting that they had to do that because she along with the other two judges put little competition girl through instead.

I was so surprised you had to wait; I just could NOT believe that the judges didn’t put you through!

She loves that they never complain and work so hard, and tells them that it really shows on stage.  Gold star.

So we’ve now seen all of the semi finalists from this round perform, and it’s time for the judges to decide who they will be putting straight through to the finals.  I’m guessing it’s going to be Twitch.

I’m wrong.

Normally I would be rejoicing at the triumph of ballet over everything else, but I’m still pissed about that stupid ribbon.  I guess given the choices I’m okay with this, but I really hope they don’t do that aerial crap again.  Save it for the circus, WTFA.

And now it’s over to America.  Will they put through the little kid breaker, middle-aged ballroomers, Twitch-y teenagers, high school popper, or the boring Lindy hoppers?

Who do you want to move on, Gasmi?  And what do think of the semi final rounds so far?  Were you a little disappointed in D’Angelo and Amanda?  Did you like the ribbon shit?  Were you blown away by any of these performances?

In a few days we’ll have the final group of semi finalists.  I’m hoping against hope that there will be SOMEONE in there that can blow me away.  Some may call me an eternal optimist, I call myself delusional.  Don’t worry though; I’ll chew the straps off the straight jacket before I’ll let you go through this by yourselves!  See you soon!

SWAK, PottyMouth