This week on Living Lohan, McVana works very very hard and Jeremy gets another hundred thousand hits on his MySpace page.
Nanahan wants to be your friend!
I’m home alone. Call me, tiger! xo NH
We start with Slohan getting her bangs done. She tells us that sure, she was uncomfortable with Jeremy lying to some blog about having a relationship with her sister and sure, it might have looked like Jeremy was just using her to get ahead and replace his giant bee eyed Ross Dress For Less sunglasses with real, boner fide Chanel’s, and sure, he has crossed eyes and chicken legs and….wait. Where was I going with that? Oh yeah. Jeremy knows how to work GarageBand, so she’s decided to let bygones be bygones and have the Maloof brothers fly his bony ass to Vegas to make her a STAHHHH!!!
Cut to Jeremy shuffling around the halls of the Maloof’s Palms Hotel confused and lost. He’s sporting his giant sunglasses and a hoodie (in Vegas summer, no less), and wearing an attitude that whipmper-screams ROCK STAR! “Have you seen Slo?” he asks passers by. No, no one has seen Slo, because the Maloof’s have heard her first track and relocated her to the end of the world.
Whoever’s in studio Z is feeling like a total asshole right now.
Jeremy finally runs into Sue the Vocal Coach, who’s at the end of the hall practicing her magic tricks just in case Dina asks her to turn Cody into a famous lesbian rocket scientist. She takes him into the studio to talk to the engineers. Jeremy slouches into a chair (still with those sunglasses on) and rubs his chin to indicate that he’s very serious. About something. Sue takes his cue and starts tap dancing. She says he won’t believe Slohan’s vocal improvements while she’s been in Vegas. Calm down, Sue, your checks are still coming. Jeremy asks everyone to put “da emotions ya got fa dis girl” aside. Is she ready for this?
Sue keeps a straight face and nods enthusiastically. YES! “One thing about the Lohans is, they work!” Well, that’s a very diplomatic way of putting it, Sue the Vocal Coach. Well played. Jeremy counters that the girl is only fourteen and Sue finally can’t hold back her laughter. “She’s not fourteen!” LOL. “She’s more like 27″, which in the entertainment business means 39. I am really starting to like Sue the Vocal Coach. Sue assures Jeremy that Slohan wants this, and there’s nothing that’s gonna stand in her way. Well, except maybe the segment of the American population with hearing capabilities.
Guitar music blasts and Dina McVana Lohan makes her entrance into the studio. She gives Jeremy a hug and then sits him down and tells him that this is go time and she doesn’t wanna see any unprofessionalism. Then, as if apologizing for her harshness, she coos and growls “that’s just the mama talk.” Ew. Please, someone stop her. She tells us that this isn’t about Jeremy’s press or his big website (it’s a MySpace page for fuck’s sake) or his fame or the paparazzi, it’s about hitting a home run. Ew x 2. He’s very dependable and reliable as a late night AIM chat buddy, but will he be able to kick ass in a real live recording studio? He better be, or she’ll sick his lawyers on his ass. In other words, Jeremy, screw this up and a judge will come take your bus pass, your sunglasses, and your stained Old Navy hoodie.
Jeremy and Slo sit down to go over the song he’s written, and they both have their own special brand of off key. It hurts to listen to, but it’s also kind of awesome because it’s so unique. Dina tells us that whenever one of her kids gets a big gig, she does the responsible thing and trusts the producers. She doesn’t just leave during Ali’s recording sessions because she gets an uncontrollable headache, she leaves because her job is to be there when the checks get signed and cashed. It’s also a really good way of blaming other people when things go very, very badly.
I get the whole trusting the producer thing, but trusting a 20 something shifty eyed poseur you met on AIM? Come on, now. She and Assistant Alexis hightail it outta there, leaving Jeremy working hard, er, showing a PA his overwrought Pimp My MySpace TM page website. Nice move, McVana. Jeremy excitedly asks the PA “that’s retarded, right?” The PA agrees wholeheartedly.
I think we can all agree that your site is retarded. Moving on.
Jeremy gathers the engineers, the PA, and Maloof’s assistant around his laptop and starts playing them his tracks while Slo sits in the studio stewing. The ding of a lightbulb is heard. She tells us that Jeremy is in the other room promoting himself to other producers and he’s…USING HER! O. M. GAWD! YA THINK?!??
Sue the Vocal Coach tries to soothe Slo as best she can and get her to practice the song she doesn’t seem to have learned yet. No! Slo can’t concentrate. She even got her hair did for this bastard and he’s not even paying attention to her. Instead, he’s getting very sage advice from the older scraggly engineer dude about how to make it in the industry.
“Gotta promote your MySpace page, man. That’s where it’s at!” – Wise Older Scraggly Engineer Guy, 2008
Jeremy finally decides to deign the princess with a little attention. He gets on the monitors and tells Slo that he doesn’t want to put any pressure on her, but they’ve only got six hours to get er done, so don’t fuck up. Poor Slo looks like she wants to cut herself. Meanwhile, her manager is working very hard trying to get her ankles to touch her forehead like they did when she was pretending to be a Rockette back in forty eight.
Turn off my celly, would ya? IT’S ME TIME!
As we get a montage of her working out, she explains that she’s a professional dancer (LOL, at least she sticks to her story) but hasn’t found much time to work out since devoting her life to her children. At least she’s using the time ditching her responsibility doing something positive and not just going to a class so she can flirt with some dude and act like a ho.
Teehee hee hee! Aren’t you a tiger?
Meanwhile, back in Studio X, after Jeremy was done with his inspiring pep talk, he went back to hanging out with the PA to wax poetic about how goddamn awesome he is while Slo tries to learn her white girl rap in the booth with Sue the Vocal Coach. She can’t concentrate and keeps looking around for Jeremy, and finally takes her headphones off and puts them down. If singing like a beached whale gasping for air isn’t gonna get her attention, and if getting her hair did isn’t gonna get her attention, and if being the sister to a movie star isn’t gonna get her attention, then she’s gonna pull out the big guns. She’s gonna throw a fit.
“I’m not feeling this song.” Sue the Vocal Coach is immediately panicked, and I feel guilty as I laugh my ass off. What do you mean you don’t feel it? You love this sowang! Keep practicing and you’ll feel it help me god please help me Dina’s gonna kill me and I just made a down payment on a Volvo and Jesus Christ you fucking brat SING THE FUCKING SOWANG! But Slo won’t do it. “It sounds like a guy sowang.” Oh man, I am loving this. Slo tells Sue that Jeremy’s nice and everything but she doesn’t like being given a time limit because “he has other things to do”. Sue is nodding and trying to be supportive, but her face is freaking out and she keeps looking around to see if by some stroke of luck, Jeremy will come bounding around the corner with a completely different personality.
Is that Jeremy there? No. Is that him? No. Dammit. I’m sure he’ll be here soon hon. VOLVO.
Outside, Jeremy is telling Maloof’s assistant about how much he has going on besides this puny gig. He doesn’t name names, but it’s probably just because he’s creatively visualizing, and we shouldn’t fault him for that. I’m sure people are lining up to work with him. Anyone? Well, I tried.
Slo tells us that she’s not into the song anymore because she thought she was gonna fall in love and make babies and small independent films no one wants to see like J Lo and Mark Anthony and she spent an hour getting her hair done just to get treated like a meal ticket and a chump since she’s been in Vegas, she’s really discovered who she is as “an artist” and no longer “feels it”. She walks out of the studio, and the camera cuts off before Sue the Vocal Coach drops to her knees crying uncontrollably and cursing the Heavens.
So McVana isn’t being the best manager in the world, but at least she’s being a good mom! Cody is bored, so Dina works her connections and finds out that the Hef’s staying at the Palms! She can’t go alone (that would look needy) so she brings Cody and prays he gets a boner. Cody is shy and hides behind her the whole time. He tells us that he likes to watch The Girls Next Door, but doesn’t get Heff’s Mormon ways cuz he’s a one girlfriend kinda lesbian. Aren’t they all?
Are you sure we’re not sisters? Well do you mind if I tell people that anyway? Come on, Lindsay lets me!
While Mother of the Year is up at the Playboy suite, Jeremy comes back to the studio to find Slo and Sue the Vocal coach chilling in the engineer’s chairs. Slo doesn’t wanna be the one to break up with him, but since McVana’s busy raising another class act, she has to. She tells Jeremy that she’s not feeling his track and it should be sung by a boy. Jeremy counters that you can’t just treat people like that. HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Slo repeats herself and Jeremy, stunned (I think, I still can’t see his shifty ass eyes) whines like a little girl about his feelings being hurt. Finally, Slo storms out of the studio tossing a “what’s his problem?” behind her.
Jeremy is left only with older scraggly engineer guy to cry to. He chalks all this bs up to Ali being a kid and says that an adult would have just said “it’s on”. An adult would have laughed at you, told their daughter not to go near you, and alerted the Meghan’s Law website that you might be a possible offender. Well, unless the adult was Dina McVana Lohan, who would just AIM you and ask you to babysit. Scraggly older engineer has nothing to say, but his face reads “you are so gonna be homeless, dickwad.”
Post a blog about it on MySpace, chump.
Jeremy goes to find Slo so he can “calm this child down”. Meanwhile, Dina’s still upstairs at the Heff’s giggling and playing with her hair, regaling the old man and his bimbo’s with stories of having to decide between going to hang out for two days with Lindsay or working hard on Slo’s recorded wreck. Piece. Of. Work. The harem says they are in a similar predicament because they want the Heff to stay in Vegas overnight but he won’t, so they might consider drugging him. They all laugh, but it’s awesome because you know deep down that they mean it. Wow, this has been a really good time, hasn’t it, Cody?
Jeremy goes to the Lohan suite to sweet talk Slo. And by sweet talk, I mean he bangs on the door, tells her to hurry because he has things to do, and then calls her a diva. “That don’t make a star! No it don’t!” Shut up, wigga. I really hope McVana gets rid of this tool. Wait. She might not need to. Now, the Maloof’s assistant is doing her job. She is sitting with Jeremy, listening to him blah and cry. She explains to him that this isn’t the first time a loser ass poser tool producer has been dropped when an artist wasn’t feeling the song. He refuses to listen and says he’s gonna save the day by playing Slo a song with a female singer on it. Sorry to be crude here, but this could all be fixed with a finger bang. Maloof’s assistant, however, is too nice to say it.
So, Jeremy pulls out his MacBook and opens up GarageBand to wow the engineers with his AppleLoops. The song sounds uncomfortably similar to the GoGo’s “We Got the Beat”. Maloof’s Assistant nods politely, but refuses to call Slo on Jeremy’s behalf. Poor guy has to do everything himself!
He calls the “child” on speakerphone and assures her that he’s not upset with her. Well how fucking kind of you. Thanks for callin. He says he has a new track for her with more of a female vibe, and Slo actually says “Jeremy, you’re really nice, but this isn’t working out.” LOL, and atta girl! I’m proud of her. She has made up a relationship in her mind and finally built up the courage to dump her fake boyfriend. Slo’s growing up! I mean, her art is maturing.
All I wanna do is hang up! Where are the braille symbols on this damn thing?
Jeremy says fuck it and storms out of the Palm’s Hotel, much to the Maloof’s Assistant’s delight. Lata, sucka. As he feels the walls down the hallway so he can find his way out, a song blares. The lyrics are “You Can’t Do That to Me!” and they repeat over and over again. It’s presumably for him, but then we see Slo up in her room folding clothes with a content little smile on her face. HA. I am actually really liking this girl today. And I also wanna check the credits to see if that’s her singing the song because it’s good. What the hell is happening to me? I’m being brainwashed. This show needs to end NOW.
That was fun. See ya soon I hope, hon! Don’t stop dreaming! And watch the step!
McVana is still not home. She’s getting her nails done and talking about how hectic her life is. The manicurist asks about Ali’s album and Dina answers that it’s still in the demo stages and they don’t know when it will be re…Lindsay has a third album coming out in July, though! Way to not even be able to finish one sentence about Slo, McVana! Who do you think is paying for those nails to get plastered on? The manicurist giggles shakes her head. What a busy busy woman! The editors insert this shot, and it makes me fall in love with them even more.
After her busy hectic horrific day of yoga, a manicure, and a cocktail party, McVana finally gets back to the studio, where Slo informs her that she won’t be performing Jeremy’s lame ass song. Dina says I told you so and then reminds Slo of all the money and studio time she wasted. Never mind the doctor visit and the birth control pills she won’t even need now. Instead of slapping her kid, calling her a spoiled brat and telling her to stop thinking with her vagina, Dina smiles her best martyr smile and shrugs. “I’ll clean up the mess!”
She tells us that she didn’t want to be a stage mom, and she’s doing the best she can. Yeah, it’s tough when your kids crawl all the way to the commercial auditions when they’re fresh out of the womb. Kids do the darndest things. We end the episode with Dina telling us she’s taking matters into her own hands while Slo sits at the piano and tries to remember how chopsticks goes. And now, if you’ll forgive me, I’m going to take a scalding shower and go drink my face off. LOVE.