I was going to write you all a long letter thanking you for your reads and apologizing for not being able to stomach Living Lohan any longer. Then I saw that I made the opening clip!!! There I am chasing Slohan down the street spraying shaving cream in her hair and screaming “STOP TRYING TO BE LIKE LINDSAY! ARE YOU GONNA GO TO REHAB NOW?!?” Wait, I don’t remember her wearing a plastic fire helmet that day, nor do I remember that gang of kids. Darn. Different day. And now I’m hooked.
Got me again, Nanahan!
We start with Mama Dina McVana Lohan being very normal. Do snooty tooty stars pour themselves a glass of milk? No. Normal every day moms do. She has to make sure her bones are strong enough to walk the streets pimping her kids. Slohan’s short bus comes to a stop outside the house and Ali comes in without saying hi, going straight to her room and slamming the door. McVana, ever the sensitive mom, comes bounding up the steps after her yelling “Slo? Slo? Slohan? Slo? Slo? Slo? Slo? Slo?” Me thinks she’s ignoring you, lady. She lets herself into the bedroom and asks Ali what’s wrong. “NOTHIIIING—UH!”
McVana sits on the edge of the bed and gives Slo a nice long talk about expressing your emotions and working out your spiritual muscles as much as your physical ones. Kidding! She shouts about having no reason to be yelled at and then storms out, slamming the door behind her. There should be a Mother of the Year Ball every night.
Dina goes downstairs to get her mind off being dissed and on her very busy self googling “work day”. If that spoiler clip hadn’t opened the show, my first guess would be that Slo got her first girl time. I’d be worried to get my first period in that house too. Dina would see it as a looming expiration date and start sending Cody to tap class. Ali’s school calls and tells McVana that some mean girls were abusing Slohan all day. Dina smiles big. Mean Girls was a Blohan blockbuster! HOLLA! She catches the worried, semi-judgmental look on Assistant Alexis’ face and gets back to the conversation at hand. “Were they making fun of her nose? I’m trying to get it fixed tell them to get off our ASSES!!”
She tells the school lady that she is going to keep Ali home for a day or two until they can resolve the Mean Girls’ (HOLLA!) situation. I don’t know what that’s going to do. You can’t rebirth and re-raise a child in a couple of days, which means that the girls will still have plenty to make fun of. She’s screwed. Dina makes a joke that she’s gonna call Tina Fey about writing Mean Girls 2 for Slohan to star in, as if she hasn’t been making that call every day since 2004.
Sorry, but she’s still too old. Is Nanahan available?
Dina tells us that the family is constantly getting hang up calls and random AIMs and texts that she only returns if they’re from 20 year old males. And she’ll only date them if they have some ambition. She’ll sleep with them if they work ou….wait. Where were we? Oh yeah. The torture of Slohan. Not only do they get the calls and txts, McVana says, when Ali’s at school the other kids serenade her with Wineho’s “Rehab”. She rolls her eyes and then adds “Oh who am I kidding? I love that song!”
Alexis says that sure the kids taunt Slo, but “look where she’s going!” Alexis never speaks her disapproval of Dina’s rearing aloud, but I took this statement to mean “taunting is the least of it. She’s going to an early grave if she continues on this sick path”. McVana, of course, takes it as “the nameplate on Scarlett Johansson’s dressing room door is about to be changed, f those bitches.” I have to admit that I kind of hope Slohan does make it big, if only to buy her mother extensions that match the rest of her hair. I think Lindsay’s just written the poor woman off.
These extensions are a symbol of struggle, people!
Up in her room, Slohan is making all sorts of pouty faces at the camera and staring at her blank MacBook. She tells us that music like always like kinda really gets her through the like rough times because she writes music. Dear God, please let us hear at least one Slohan original before this season ends. Love, Flipit. I think “I Almost Died in an Electrical Fire While My Mom Had Her Hands Down a Twenty Year Old’s Pants” has a nice ring to it, personally, but I’m no Randy Jackson.
The next day McVana gets a call on her celly from one of the evil girls’ moms, apologizing for her daughter’s behavior. Dina is impressed that the woman called her, and she returns the goodwill by telling the woman that she is mortified that the girls did whatever they did in the middle of the lunch room and that the school is considering suspension. Thanks for calling! Slap your brat for me!
Nanahan is waiting for Dina in the car (Jeez, McVanna, at least crack a window!) and has some sage words about the teen torture. Get over it. People suck. Lindsay went through the same thing, and look at her!
Sticks and stones may break my bones but then I smoke and snort them and feel better.
Later that night, Slohan starts receiving a barrage of prank calls and txts (most likely from the bored producers) saying “YOU SUCK, SLO!” She’s with Assistant Alexis, who advises her over and over again to be the bigger person and just ignore it instead of saying what she really feels: “You think your life sucks? I have to wear the same goddamn argyle sweater every day and I have no chance of getting away from this hellhole long enough to find a man so just shut the fuck up you whiny little princess!” Slo doesn’t like the “turn the other cheek” advice. Instead, she turns her cheek to another adult woman in the house. One who will burn some shit to the ground if she gets mad enough. MOMMY!
Dina seems a little annoyed that she has to take time out of her frantic searching through Page 6 for more whining, so she kinda waves Ali off and tells her to start writing down the offending numbers. They can take a little road trip together and etch them into bathroom walls in truck stops across Long Island. Ali calls one of the numbers back from her mom’s phone and is ready to tell someone off but it’s one of her friends. HAHAHA. Not a good enough friend to be in her phone book, but not one of the gremlins. And then here’s where all this has been leading to. Slohan wants to be home schooled.
Wow. Is every single episode going to be an excuse from Dina about how she raises her kids? The first episode was the “Why I’m a Bitch” episode, the second was the “How the Press is Under the Mistaken Impression That I Am a Party Mom When All I Did Was Go To One Lousy Mother of the Year Ball”, and this one is the “Why Most of My Kids Don’t Graduate High School” episode. Stay tuned for next week. You know the “In Actuality, My Kid’s Nose Was Broken Fifteen Times Naturally Not by Doctors” episode can’t be too far behind.
Over a game of soccer where Ali kicks the ball OVER the net, LOL, Cody suggests that she just ignore the bitches. She hates that advice, so Cody goes to ask Nanahan what they should do. She suggests that Ali ignore the bitches. Dammit. Why is no one suggesting she never go to school again? Family really sucks sometimes.
Just ignore those c**ts, wuss.
Later that night, McVana goes to her oldest son, Michael, for advice over video chat. He had trouble in highschool because Blohan was becoming a star and all his friends were jerking off to her pictures right in front of him and laughing about it, which can’t be easy. Who wants to see that? He says that Ali will learn who her real friends and root out all the fakes. If that fails, buy her a puppy. They generally don’t jerk off in front of you and when they do, it’s in a funny way on a pillow or something. Thanks, Mike!
Finally at her wits end with Slohan’s complaining, Dina gets on Google to find somewhere to ship her. At least in the afternoons. She finds a place called Impact Theater. The pics she sees online are a bit odd. They are of black kids singing, dancing, and pop locking. Sure enough, I looked that shit up. Here’s a description from their own web page: “IMPACT Repertory Theatre is one of the oldest Black, not-for-profit theatre companies. IMPACT has produced Central Park, a performance piece based on the tragic episode following the 2000 Puerto Rican Day Parade; and a music soundtrack to The Long Walk to Freedom and Harlem Is…” LOLOLLLL. No, black kids won’t make fun of the loaf of scrawny ass whitebread you popped out. Save the Last Dance was just a movie, McVana!
Good call, MORON.
Nanahan’s gotta see this shit. She joins McVana and Slohan on the car ride, and after a Dina/Ali smack down about putting nail polish on in the car (Dina: “I’m allergic to that smell! When she’s having an asthma attack do I come home from the club and help her? No, but I don’t blow cigarette smoke down her throat, either!”), she asks her granddaughter what exactly the kids are making fun of her about. Good question, Nanahan. I was wondering the same thing.
Slohan doesn’t really have an answer, except that her mom says they’re just jealous. Why, she asks, would people be jealous of her? Silence as Nana and Dina try and come up with something that doesn’t sound like total bs. You can’t just say “you’re mildly retarded and just have to live with it” without starting a whole big drama in this family. Nanahan comforts the girl by regaling her with stories about how she was made fun of when she was in school, too. Dina and Ali are both fascinated. “Was it because you’re so old?” Ali asks. “You know kids, they like to make fun of what color you’re wearing.” Uhhhhh….yeah. Damn kids. Ugly sweater colors are totally what started Columbine.
Nana’s mom was a seamstress, you see, so the kids were always making fun of her clothes. AAAWWWW! I am not sure if this is true or if Nanahan’s digging memories out of a late night viewing of Pretty in Pink on cable, but either way she’s the sweetest ever. When McVana was young, she was made fun of too. They used to call her “spider legs”, which is a hell of a lot better than cro mag, which would have been my first choice.
McVana tells her kid that everyone gets made fun of when they’re young. She’s only getting it worse because her sister’s famous. So let’s go avoid the press at a nice safe all black theater. Woops, sorry! I called the press! McVana is such a famewhore that I am more than disgusted by her. I am oddly proud of her. Bitch doesn’t miss a chance.
Hey! You said Moesha would be here!
There is a very talented group rehearsing inside, and Slohan looks thrilled to be there.
I’m so not Julia Styles right now.
There is some soul singing going on about raising yourself without a dad and the big huge girls wail that shit to the rafters. Behind them, there are girls dancing the way only proud awesome blacks chick can. With pride, jerks and floor slaps. Dina tells us how touched she is by all this. See, Ali? All these kids come from different walks of life (than you) and they just sing (way better than you could ever dream of doing) and emote (about pain a spoiled little white brat like you will never get). They’ll love you!
Everyone is really nice to her. They form a dance line and try to show her how to not move like she’s made out of wood. It doesn’t work, but they don’t push her down or razz her for it. They aren’t even paying attention to her because her mother is in the center of the floor twirling and giggling for the camera and Nanahan is in the back of the room with her hands down a big hot black man’s pants. Nanahan is my fucking hero, man.
What, you thought I was kidding?
On her way out, Ali smiles for the cameras and instead of getting in the car and bitching Dina out for being the worst mother ever, giggles and tells us that she had fun even though she looked like a fool. I make fun of this girl to no end, but she really is sweet. And slow. Very very slow. One day she’s gonna wake up and realize what her mother’s done to her and she’s gonna snort Manhattan.
Sue the vocal coach comes over the next day. She hands Slohan a tin can and has her whisper vowels into them, which should be good enough for the album. Instead of getting to hear the kid actually sing, we cut to a friend talking to McVana in her bed. The friend lost a kid to meningitis, which is horrible and I will not make fun of her except to say that a tragedy is no excuse for a bad perm. She tells Dina that Ali has “so much talent and fire”, which is slick because you know she’s referring to last week’s blazing inferno. She adds that Dina should be really happy with what she has and Dina’s like yeah. You lost a kid so I won’t complain that mine’s not making enough money yet. Even I’m not that insensitive.
Back in Ali’s room, she and Sue pull out a book of Dina’s friend’s poetry. Desperate for material? Maybe my mom’s friend has some pain left untapped in her journal. Ali decides to make a song out of one of the poems called “My Back Hurts”, and when she wails it out, my head does too. All the women are crying and begging her to stop, and she says that they inspire her and she can’t wait to put this tune on her album. George Maloof’s head is gonna fucking explode by the end of this series.
Divine Secrets of the Blah Blah Sisterhood.
The next morning, McVana is on the phone trying to drum up some publicity, and she has decided for the first time ever, she will allow cameras in her home. Uh, is this a flashback? Nope, she’s not referring to the full on camera crew that’s there now, she means she’s never allowed two full on camera crews into her home, I guess. See? The woman has limits.
This time the cameras belong to Access Hollywood. She sets the date and hangs up. Then she tells Slohan that the press is coming and that if she isn’t comfortable with that then she should say so now. After the date’s been set. Sensitive. Slo’s cool with it, but Dina’s worried that she isn’t gonna know how to deal with the big boys. “Maybe you could teach me…” says Ali. McVana tells us that she never had to deal with this with Lindsay because “there was no tabloid weekly”. Huh? WTF is she talking about? Lindsay became famous in 1998 for fuck’s sake. Maybe she meant to end “there was no weekly tabloid” with “who’s throat I had to shove her down and beg to make her a star.” At least that would make some kind of sense. Anyhow, McVana graciously agrees to school her daughter in the art of tabloidism.
They sit together on the couch and Dina starts rapid fire questions. “What’s Lindsay like?” “Do you get mad when people call you Lindsay?” “Why doesn’t Lindsay ever call her mother?” “LIndsay?” “Lindsay?” “Who starred in The Parent Trap remake?” “What rhymes with Windsay?” “If you could be any girl named Lindsay in the world, who would it be?” “Why don’t you look like Lindsay?” “What’s your favorite color?”
The most revealing answer Ali gives is “They used to ask me what it was like being Lindsay’s sister, but now they call me Ali. So that’s good.” This kid is the next Hillary Clinton. McVana tells her that the most important answer she needs to know is “I would rather not answer that question.” It’s really done wonders for Lindsay. The dogs come up to cuddle with Slo, which is adorable until one of them barks “You suck, Ali!”
So much for my sweet puppy theory.
Little Jodie Foster lookalike, Cody, enters to ask a hard hitting question: “Why does everyone call me a lesbian?” Slo says she would rather not answer that question. He runs out of the room crying, and McVana gives Slo a high five.
This has nothing to do with the recap so if you hate that stuff just skip this part. I am writing this in a coffee shop and at the table next to me there is this sweet looking little gay dude having coffee with an old kinda ugg gay dude. The young one is going through a laminated book with starving children in it. Like a catalogue of sorts. I can see the words “you make the difference!” The young one is giving the older one a big spiel about helping the children and really needing his help and what it means to be a good person and all and the older one is answering “Well, I wanna help you. If you need my help then…” and the young one is just smiling coyly. What a fucking racket. I feel like just reaching over there and slamming the book on the ground. He’s not gonna fuck you, troll, save your money! The book is closed now. It says GCM on the cover, and when I google it I find out that GCM is a group of missionaries. In the dead center of Hollywood. With a Living Lohan billboard right outside the window I SWEAR TO GOD. The older guy caves and they shake hands. “Will you tell anyone how much I give you?” The young one just half smiles, as if saying “I would rather not answer that question.” Dina McVana Lohan has trained this whole fucking town. Sorry for that but there’s no one around but you and I had to tell someone.
Moving on, the next morning Access Hollywood comes over. Stacey London’s on that show now? I know her from What Not To Wear. When that show first came on, my roommate used to say Hey Stacy. What Not To Wear: Your Face. Stacey took her advice. That is not the same face. I hope there’s not another fire, cuz the plastic on the girl would explode the block. She does ask Ali if she’s learned from Lindsay’s troubles, and Ali doesn’t have any answer but a scrunched up face. Then she says that she doesn’t want people to think she’s spoiled because she’s Lindsay’s sister or anything. She’s very down to earth. Stacey looks like “man I have really sold my soul to the devil” but smiles through this painful interview as tightly as possible. Then Ali tells her that two girls at school were suspended for cursing at her and wow. Dina did a really shitty job training this kid. Ali talks about the rigors of fame, which she knows NOTHING ABOUT.
Well, hon, TMZ has slow days, too.
Proud of her big TV moment, Ali smiles and tells us that she’s not gonna let mean girls get to her anymore. From now on, she will just get them kicked out of school. Stacy finishes with “what’s the most important thing you’ve learned from Lindsay?” Slohan’s answer? This is a direct quote: “Take the high road.” This show is too awesome for it’s own good.