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This week on Living Lohan, Slohan dies, goes to Heaven, and is sent back until she can start being, as God put it “less of a fucking hack.” Darn.
Looks like you might make it to Heaven first after all, Nanahan.
Previously, Dina McVana Lohan and the child she’s currently trying to sell, Slohan, were surprised to find out that the douchebag who wore huge plastic sunglasses inside to brag about his Apple Loops was, in fact, a douchebag. They’re on it, these two.
We pick up where we left off last week, with Slohan reading douchebag hanger on, let’s call him Hanger, the riot act. In case you missed it or blacked it out, Hanger gave an interview (I know, I was wondering why the f someone was interviewing him too) hinting that he was dating Lindsay. He told the interviewer that he was getting texts from both Blohan and Slohan and that Slohan was playing matchmaker. LOL. Hanger is talking really fast and blinking his eyes real hard and saying he wants a chance to set the story straight, but when Slohan shuts up for a second he stays quiet, looking bewildered. And kinda gross. No wonder he wears those huge sunglasses. He’s way cuter that way.
Wait! Wait! Stop talking! …Forgot what I was gonna say. Carry on.
Hanger grabs his little pleather satchel and leaves, so Slohan goes to the ever suffering assistant, Alexis, to unload. She mostly repeats the same blabber that she spewed at Hanger, but Alexis has that all knowing smile that says “lol you thought that dude wanted to do you.” I like Alexis. Mostly because she seems to know how ridiculous her bosses are and says it all with her face. She’s the model employee unless you’re really paying attention to her mug.
Anyway, Slohan whines and stutters and Alexis says that when you’re famous you never really know who your friends are. I mean, if Ali wasn’t a (sister to a) huge star, who would her friends be?
Instead of leaving, Hanger just goes outside to stew and play basketball. He tells us that he’s not the type to fake being friends with a huge celebrity to make himself look better. He’s just the type to AIM a desperate sex starved cougar until she agrees to try and use his crappy 80′s tracks and get him on camera when she’s shooting her really low reality show on E! Yes, Hanger, you’re class all the way. For Slohan to not see that, the girl must be really, well, slow. Then he gets all manly and makes a slam dunk into Cody’s three foot high hoop. And the crowd roars. What are you still doing there? Waiting for the bus? Go home!
Dina gets home and Slohan still hasn’t stopped babbling. Instead of going outside and ripping Hanger a new one, McVana tells her kid that Hanger hasn’t learned how to deal with the press yet and everyone makes mistakes. She’s going to school him in the art of “tabloidism”, because she’s a good person. Also, there are currently no other young men in their early twenties AIMing her and she’s not going to throw away her meal before she’s eaten.
Later, after Hanger’s scored 1028 points in kiddie basketball, he slinks his way back into the house. The Lohans are sitting around reading Ali’s horoscope, which says something about impending stardom and always being third best and getting a nosejob the second there’s enough money in the business account. “It always says that!” she shrieks. She takes her pimp and Hanger up to the master bedroom for a nice talk. Hanger admits that he called Ali a “matchmaker” and apologizes but says that he didn’t say anything else and she doesn’t need to freak out. Dina explains that her kid’s not freaking out, she’s just a spaz and there’s nothing to be done about it until slipping your kids morphine becomes legal.
Dina tells Hanger that she loves him and knows that he didn’t say any of that stuff (uh, he just admitted that he did, delusional) and then blames the press. Hanger blinks really hard and gets all twitchy and I feel embarrassed for him. He is one ugly liar. I am totally inviting him over for poker night. Dina says that she raised her kids to tell the truth (unless they’re falling out of cars when being pulled over or trying to hide a coke addiction or signing contracts saying they’ll show up for work and then not showing up, but I digress) and she’s sure his parents taught him the same thing. Violins start playing and Hanger’s face convulses. “I don’t have parents, remember?”
Yeah, yeah, neither do my kids. What’s your point?
Oh wah, Orphan Annie. She’s letting you off the hook. Save the sob story for a rainy day. Sound insensitive? Sorry, but I’m not buyin it. If you want to check out how sincere this twat is, check out this interview.
McVana tells him that he’s brand new to the world of fame, and since she’ll be by his side to guide the way, he’ll be ten steps ahead of the rest. Slohan looks on incredulously at her mother. Then she is dismissed so Dina can have some alone time with him and find out if he’s “morally straight” with her old moral vagina. In the kitchen, Hanger says that he would in no “shape way or form” want Dina to think that he doesn’t wanna be on TV with her.
She calls him out on looking like a liar and he finally admits that when asked if he was dating Lindsay, he said “watch the show”. Dina congratulates him on punking the press. OY. Hanger is now in full on wigga mode. So he twitches, blinks hard, and talks like a nervous gangsta when he’s lying. Noted. After Dina forgives him, he smiles slyly and tells her that at least now people know who he is. Dina smiles and almost high fives him for this one. He may be using them, she says, but they’re using him too. They just want his Apple Loops because they still can’t figure out how to work GarageBand so see? It works both ways. Man this woman is truly despicable.
McVana has received one of the highest honors in Long Island. She is going to be on the cover of the Thrifty Nickel! Congrats and how fitting! She is trying to pick a dress, but Slohan refuses to let her leave the house in the slutty number she’s chosen. Dina argues that it’s a Stella McCartney, which is funny because Stella would be pissed knowing a woman made of leather purchased one of her outfits. Slohan will not budge on the see thru robe, as if this is the first time she’s considered the idea that her mother is a whore. Denise, Ali’s cousin, shows up to baby sit, and by then Dina has finally found something perfect to wear to this very special dinner honoring her.
Watch out, Thrifty Nickel!
Nana and McVana’s sister and her friend join her for the big dinner, and on the way there they dish about the kids. Nana is kinda mortified that Ali wants to be like her coke head sister, which of course Dina takes as a compliment. She says that she just wants one of her kids to stay in school, but it’s hard when Ali’s so goddamned talented and gorgeous. LOL. Funniest car ride ever. Dina keeps looking around the car for someone to nod in agreement, but the women just smile tightly and kinda look out the window. I wouldn’t argue before a free dinner, either. Nanahan’s no moron.
Denise takes Slohan and Cody to a costume shop to try on giant fake boobs (try before you buy) and masks (I like Denise. She’s got her finger on the pulse.). This little field trip ignites a Slohan monologue. She wants to be famous and get out there and try to be special and shine. This is sad and I don’t know why. My 3 and 1/2 year old niece gave the same monologue over the phone last week and I thought it was hilarious. Who can explain feelings? When they get home from cousin hinting hour, the kids smell something in the house. “It smells like geeyaass”.
Denise calls the fire department and they find a tiny electrical fire somewhere. Glad the whole fire department came out for this one. I’ll bet if they looked hard enough, they would find a Duff fingerprint somewhere. You know there’s gotta be some competition there.
Back at the Thrifty Nickel dinner, guess who else McVana has invited out to share her night of flashbulbs and glamour? Hanger! Hope you get some, Dina. No time for sex now, though. She has to pose for all the photographers on the red carpet. Another rich white lady with too much plastic surgery stands next to her for a picture and I have trouble telling who’s who.
Plastic surgery is turning Long Island into I, Robot.
Back at home, smelling the fire has made Ali’s throat hurt. OH NO! SHE HAS ASTHMA! SHE COULD DIE! They keep trying to call their mom, but her mailbox is full. Cut to Dina partying hard and putting her hand down the front of Hanger’s pants. Cut back to the house, where medics are crying and shouting “HANG ON! DON’T GO TOWARD THE LIGHT!” Cut back to the party, where Nana has her hand down the front of Hanger’s pants. Cut back to the house, where Slohan is convulsing on the floor and apologizing to God for coveting what her sister has. Cut back to the party, where McVana is making out with her Crypt Keeper twin and then throwing up in a trash can. Cut back to the house, where white foam is coming out of Slohan’s face as she whispers “Please…n n not my tiiiimmmeee I’m not faaaamous enough….” Commercial!!! OMG I hate when they cut us off right in the middle of a disaster! Come on, this is real life, people!
Too late. She’s dead.
Cody, our sweet little Jodie Foster as a child lookalike, calls Ty the bodyguard since he can’t get ahold of his mom. He says that they smelled something funny in the house and the fire department suggested the get an electrician over asap. He never mentions Ali. LOL, Cody Foster. Ty goes inside to the party and finds McVana to tell her that there was a small electrical fire. Dina tells us that when you hear about something like that happening to your kids, you go into panic mode. Then she ran out of there as fast as possible and rushed home. Kidding! She went to the middle of the dance floor to call, just in case there was a chance she didn’t have to leave the ball.
Cody, if Ali dies, call Ty and have her cleaned up before I get home. And you better start learning Hanger’s songs, cuz you’re next. Love ya buhbye!
After the party, Dina gets home and tells us how proud of her kids she is for knowing how to dial 911 when she never taught them. She’s glad they’re ok, but adds that it figures the one night she goes out something bad happens at home. Imagine if the tabloids got ahold of this news! They’d rip her to shreds! Well, thank God you only have a camera crew filming you 24/7. Don’t worry, the bloids don’t watch anything as classy as E! IDIOT.
On what I presume is Monday, Alexis comes to the house for work and Dina fills her in on all the drama. There was a FIRE! The kids were in DANGER! She leads the assistant to the wall to gape at the destruction. Alexis doesn’t say anything. She just looks at the tiny fist sized hole in the wall with pursed lips. Love you Alexis.
We’re just waiting for a videotape of Osama claiming responsibility.
Hanger comes over in his giant sunglasses to look at the hole and freaks out that “live wires” are hanging out of the walls. Ali points out that they are covered in rubber tape (impressive, Al) so they can’t hurt them but Hanger has never heard of this tactic for stopping electricity and orders her away from the wall. Don’t worry about getting electrocuted, Hanger. Your backpack will save you.
Then the electrician comes. The problem was a loose outlet. OMG!!!! THA DRAMA! THEY HAVE TO CHANGE AN OUTLET!!! Alexis says there needs to be two escape routes in every room and they need to call a fireman to come over and give them a fire drill. Oh for fuck’s sake. I’m about to drive out there and start that house on fire myself.
To end the episode with some excitement, we get another disaster! Yes, I am referring to Slohan’s “career”. Hanger is still around and will be flying to Vegas to film the Palm’s infomercial record Ali’s album and he’s excited. Ali’s doing on of his songs and “she’s gonna kill it!” He says that like it’s a good thing. I guess no publicity is bad publicity. One problem, though. Slohan wants a different song than the one she picked because she wants to sound more “like Reyanna. Now make me magic!” You’ll need it, honey.