Living Lohan: Coming Soon to a DVD Near You!

This week, an angel in Heaven takes pity on me and puts and end to Living Lohan.

I miss you already, Dina!

The Lohans are back in Long Island while the Maloofs convene in Vegas to fix the mess they made. Brother Lohan is back in town too, which is weird since he said three weeks ago that he never ever gets time with his family. Even more surprising is that his girlfriend Nina is with him after she had the gall to want to see her own family for one night during their last visit. Either BroHan has become kinder and gentler, or Nina has realized that a famous person’s hanger on family is more important than her own and she needs to pay them the respect they deserve so they can trust her. I liked Nina at first because she seemed sweet and detached from the douche gene that runs rampant in the Lohan family, but seeing her back in that house killed it for me. Birds of a feather are douchebags together.

BroHan tells us how much he loves his wussy ass girlfriend, and then she has to go and muster up the courage to ask him for some alone time away from the family. WHAT? THEY’RE FAMOUS! YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND! Mike has trouble getting why she has a problem with little lesbian Cody Foster sleeping in their bed at night while combing her hair and asking if she’s ever though about kissing a girl.

Famous people are different, m’kay?

Mike tries to get Slohan to help keep Cody occupied while he takes Nina to Red Lobster followed by a walk around the mall, but Slo refuses. She’s very busy stalking the Maloofs and making up fake profiles that Jeremy might fall in love with on MySpace. BroHan decides to do the mature, grown up big brother thing. He sneaks out of the house so Cody won’t come with them. Cold.

That face! AWWW! On a positive note, if he never felt these feelings, he wouldn’t have the tools to win a GLAAD award for Best Actress down the line.

Cody is hellapissed. Later, after Nina’s done standing in front of the Sears window dreaming of the day she’ll be able to buy all of the appliances that will aid her in making her man proud of her, the kids all play poker together in the kitchen. Cody starts telling Nina to get her codependent bony ass back to college and says he doesn’t like her tricking his big brother with her girl parts. She tries to laugh it off, but then he smashes cake icing all over her face. BroSlo and his moron straight guy friend (you know he’s a moron straight guy cuz he wears his sunglasses over his baseball cap) LOL. Nina smiles too until she sees her boyfriend laughing at her, so as she leaves she tells him thanks a lot for sticking up for me, asshole! Ooooh Nina. Not gonna get that Whirlpool stainless steel fridge with a mouth like that.

BroSlo puts on his condescending Daddy hat and sits Cody Foster down for a little talk. They do it in the Lindsay shrine, which still makes me uncomfortable even after all this time. BroSlo asks Cody what’s wrong. Instead of saying “my mom is a child pimp, my sister’s a coke head who never calls, the other sister is aging way too rapidly and could probably break a hip soon, my dad’s a councillor in a wacko Christian camp for kids just to keep the feds off his ass, and you just ditched me to take your Stepford Wife to Sears. Go fuck yourself, BroHan!”, Cody just sucks on a water bottle and looks at Mike like he’s the biggest dickwad in the world. Then he sweetly says that he wants a little alone time with BroHan without his motherwife around.

Lindsay doesn’t like that behavior, Cody. Do you want your pic on this wall one day? Then don’t be an ass!

Mike tells us how hard it is juggling all the wants of everyone around him. Can I ask a question? Isn’t this the final episode? Why is it being wasted on this dude? Where’s Dina and why isn’t she dancing or trying to do a trainer or making Nanahan put on a pushup bra in case the cameras decide to go over to her house? WHAT GIVES?

The next morning, Dina McVana Lohan gets a visit from the UPS guy, who immediately asks her to put on some clothes and stop trying to turn him into a tranny tosser. She disappointedly signs for the package, and I’m crossing my fingers that’s it’s a giant bill from the Maloof’s with a note attached saying “No one tricks us and gets away with it, bitch”, but the real package is even better. It’s a screenplay of McVana’s autobiography!

The movie is for Slo, and it’s a remake of a 1986 horror movie. She will be reading for the role of Eunice St Clair, and she’s a shoo in. Here’s the description: “Frightened by his sister’s sudden violent changes, Harry seeks solace in the company of a mysterious old lady, named Eunice St. Clair, who lives upstairs.” Wow. Someone up there is looking out for her. And us. I will tell you now that I will pay to see that shit on the big screen. And when I say big screen, I mean my big TV screen, cuz you know that’s straight to DVD. Anywayyyyyysssss, the audition is for the next day, which freaks Ali out because it’s not enough time to prepare. LOL, good one. This coming from the girl who didn’t know one single song lyric when she showed up to record in Vegas. Slo deadpans to us “I don’t wanna look stupid!” Too late hon, just take the paycheck before your house is foreclosed on. If Blo hasn’t called back yet, she’s probably not gonna. Someone probably showed her an episode of this show. Act fast!

NANAHAN!!!! I’VE MISSED YA, GIRL!!

This script is fucking retarded. It’ll be betta than Harry Potter! Wear those short shorts tomorrow. Nana needs a new pair of shoes for the forty year old leeching off her back home! Go, Kid!

As Nanahan reads the ridonk plot of the film aloud, Dina laughs and snorts. I wonder if this was her reaction when she read I Know Who Killed Me. More likely, it’s the first time she’s ever known anything beforehand about one of her kid’s movies other than the size of the paycheck. Either way, Slo is pouty and sad. Poor thing! It’s gonna be really tough to outrun the mean girls at school after they see this piece of crap.

BroHan tries to help her with her script, but man. Slo is really, really, REALLY BAD. I can’t even make a joke about it, because it hurts to watch. Can acting be off key? Cuz my window just cracked. It seems that in the new version, Eunice St. Claire is actually the girl who is posessed by the troll. Fortunately for Slo, the character description is just as relatable. “…the family notices the girl’s unusual behavior (roaring, biting, tossing people across rooms…) but attributes her behavior to the stress of the move.” We all saw what going to Vegas for two weeks did to her fragile little personality. See, hon? You’ve still got a chance!

This doesn’t have anything to do with the show, but in the original movie, the young hero’s name was Harry Potter. Damn, JK Rowling ripped off like five different sources for those books. Shameful! I bought and read every one, and I feel justified. Sometimes people steal cars and then take them to a chop shop and come up with even better cars. Being a burglar doesn’t mean you have no artistic talent.

Speaking of rip offs, Reese Witherspoon needs to sue this bitch.

Nina decides to do something about the Cody Foster sitch since her boyfriend can’t seem to figure it out. She considers makeup, or a shopping trip, but then she finds pictures of girls in bikinis stashed under Cody’s bed and realizes that special understanding is needed here. So she does the right thing. She plays basketball with her new lesbian almost in law. It works like a charm, and they become besties. I am so glad. This was gonna keep me up nights. Then Nina goes up to talk to Brohan and I press FF. Sorry but even I have limits. DON’T YOU HAVE SCHOOL OR SOMETHING?

The next morning, BroHan, Nina and Nanahan rally around Slo, trying to get her out of bed for her audition. She refuses cuz “I DON’T FEEEEEEL GOOOOD!” The perfect ending to this show would be every unworking actor in SAG coming over to Long Island to beat the shit out of this twit. It doesn’t happen. Instead, BroHan makes her get up. Assistant Alexis is standing at the bottom of the stairs nervously waiting while playing with her split ends. Dear Assistant Alexis, grow a pair. I am really happy to see that Nanahan didn’t wither away and die while the family was in Vegas, as Dina seemed to think she would, but damn. I can’t say she’s not worse for the wear. Did she do an at home perm out of boredome? Dang, girl. Come towards the light!

This is what it looks like when Nanahan just gives up.

Nanahan tells us that she used to go into auditions for Lindsay, which explains how the girl became a star. She says that Lindsay was always prepared, calm and collected, and had no drama. “She just did what she had to do.” Snap and LOL, Nanahan. I missed ya. Sorry for making fun of your perm. The whole way to the audition, Ali whines and complains about not feeling good.

McVana explains to us that Slohan is nervous because she doesn’t know if she is going to be judged on her acting abilities or on being Blohan’s sister. Well, if she wasn’t Blo’s sister she wouldn’t have the opportunity to be judged on her acting, so I guess Dina is facing a cart before the horse conundrum. Slo has pissed me off today, but I still hope for good things for her so that she gets high enough to hit rock bottom really hard in the future so we’ll have something to read about on TMZ. Paris and Kim Kardashian can’t tow the line for names without talent forever. Even famewhores retire someday. Anyway, I like trashy Jackie Collins novels, so I hope that the director is really sexy and he and Ali start a crazy intense Hollywood relationship and rule the town until they are ruined by drugs and promiscuous affairs. That positive visualization is dedicated to you, Slo. You’re welcome.

And it worked! The guy is a fuckin stud and when they shake hands and look into each other’s eyes, rock music plays and electricity bounces of the walls of the audition room in the back of the dry cleaner’s.

Someone alert Fabio that he better start doing some goddamn pushups. Competition in the house!

Slimy Director guy asks if she has any questions and she does. “What’s like…the plot?” LOL. Smooth, Slo. He creepily performs his rehearsed pitch and then pulls out sketches of his young heroine. Apparently, he is looking for someone young and dumb with GIANT boobs. Jesus, Slimy Director Guy, why don’t you just have her sucking off a donkey? Here is another situation where Dina needs to pull herself away from the single serving Dorito’s bags at the Kraft services table to make sure her kid isn’t molested and impregnated by a…well, a troll.

Do the boobs come with the gig? Could you throw in a nose? Done!

After old man ogling, it’s time for Slo to read. She stutters and breaks up her sentences…sorry I’m just trying to come up with another way to say really really bad. Slimy Director Guy gives really brilliant pearls of wisdom like “Let’s try it again, and this time make it delicious.” In other words, grow giant jugs and shake them in his gross face.

In the greenroom, McVana is pacing back and forth furiously, waiting to see if her baby’s ok. Kidding! She’s texting.

Jeremy, stop! I’m blushing! My mom’s here!

Nana cares what’s going on though. Aw! She says that it must be going well because she can’t hear any screaming or whining. “No tantrums, so it must be ok.” HAHAHAHAA get this woman her own show PLEASE. Dina explains to her mom that it doesn’t matter that Slo is awkward and unprepared. If you have an ounce of talent of a famous last name, a good director can spot it and figure out how to make money off it.

And she got the part!! See, Dirty Slimy Director Guy must know what he’s doing! Can’t wait for that movie. Back at home, we get a montage of Slohan doing what she does: playing with her hair, going through her clothes, shrieking “I’m tiiiired!”, and shading her nose. Her single plays through the clips, and I get genuinely sad that this show has come to an end. LOL not.

McVana, predictably, has the last word. She tells us that people may give Slo and Blo crap in the tabloids, but they don’t realize how hard they have to work to get their mother a little goddamn airtime. AAAAWWWW! If there is anyone still reading this, God bless your soul and thanks for sticking with me all season! As a going away gift, here’s a new mp3 ringer for your celly. LOVE!!!! xoxoxoxo

This ringer is for your MP3 cell:

This one is for your iPhone: