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This week on Living Lohan, cute dog tricks and sage advice from Nanahan:
Your daughter just raped you.
This week Dina McVana Lohan starts by telling us that photographers are coming over today to a shoot of her and Ali for Vanity Fair. Gotcha! I meant Animal Fair. What, did you think Vanity Fair just gave up on life or what? They won’t be doing this shoot because Dina is an uncontrollable fame whore with no boundaries, but because “we love animals…” that get us into magazines. What really kills me about this is that just last week, McVana was telling us how important it was that she was trusting Access Hollywood with Ali’s story because she has never ever ever let cameras into her home before. I guess once the seal was broken she became a house shooting slut.
ANYOOOO, she’s getting about thirty pounds of makeup put on to make her look like less cro mag and tells the young Jodie Foster to go let the “reporters” (sorry for the quotation marks, Animal Fair people, but you write for Animal Fair.) in and warn his sis that it’s almost shoot time. He won’t leave the room, because watching 100 pounds of pancake being carefully applied to his mom’s face is just too damned entertaining. I don’t blame him. It’s like watching the Statue of Liberty being restored. Finally, McVana threatens to put him in make up if he doesn’t do as he’s told. The threat worked on the real young Jodie Foster, and it works on Cody too. What a lesbian.
He leaves, but instead of trying to pull his sister, Slohan, away from desperately shading her nose to look as thin as Lindsay’s, he calls Mike Lohan. Unfortunately, it’s not the in and out of prison father Michael, but his son. Cody says that he’s being forced to do more girl stuff and just wants to spend some time bonding. Guest appearance! From the clip we saw of Mike last week, he’s as interesting as drywall, but it will be fun to see how McVana tries to market a visit home.
The photographers arrive and it’s McVana’s time to shine. Just in case the “reporters” forget why they’re there (payoff and the promise of a possible Lindsay cameo, no doubt) Dina insists that the shoot is done in the room that most represents her as a dog lover. The Lindsay shrine.
Two sets of twins.
The “reporter” asks a lot of really important questions, but the rule (from what I can gather) is they all have to be asked in cute dog themed ways. “Do you feel like you’re working like a dog?” “Do you have to go tinkle or doody?” McVana fields these toughies like a pro. When she is asked how she juggles managing the busy careers of her daughters while taking care of five dogs, she shrugs and says “ya just do it.” Fascinating. If the “reporter” was worth her beans, she would have dug a little deeper (get it?) and found Alexis doing the actual work. Unfortunately though, Alexis the Assistant isn’t allowed on camera because she still hasn’t changed out of that fucking argyle sweater she wears every single week.
Slohan doesn’t have much to say (I know you’re shocked by that development) and starts scratching her face and rubbing her butt across the carpet. Dina shouts firm “NO!”s and threateningly rolls up a newspaper, but the kid won’t listen. Even the dogs are looking at her like she’s the biggest moron in the world. Dina excuses her to take care of that hideous itch in private while the “reporter” asks if running from reporters and trying not to get caught peeing behind a bush is stressful, and McVana’s answer is that she was in show business back in her day and then, no one gave a crap where you crapped but now it’s a different world. Yeah, back in 1919 reporters didn’t chase funny looking twigs who pretended to be Rockettes in their back yard.
Slohan screams from the next room. Dina looks like she is gonna kill her. She’s being humiliated in front of “reporters”! “REPORTERS!” Slohan needs some Benadryl. Her butt is out of control and she’s ruining all the carpets. Dina rolls her eyes and looks at the “reporter”, and asks “Where’s Alexis?” Uh, she’s probably in the city somewhere scraping Blohan off a sidewalk or doing your shopping or spying on the Olsen Twins waiting for her chance to hit them with poison darts so they can figure out the formula of their “essence”. How the fuck should the “reporter know? Get off your ass and hand your kid some itch cream before her butt falls off.
When I won my Oscar, newspapers hadn’t been invented yet. Wait… WHAT GODDAMIT MOMMIES LIVING HER DREEEAAAAAM!!! Sorry, that little bitch never stops yapping.
The reporter, starting to sense just how difficult it can be being McVana, asks if it’s easier to train her dogs or her kids. Dina shurgs and whispers conspiratorially “Let’s face it, they all suck.” And then all hell breaks loose. The dogs get into a fight, Slohan’s butt starts bleeding from dragging it on the floor, everyone’s yelling and screaming and…..credits. When we come back after the parade of advertisements from companies desperate enough to buy time during this train wreck (Hooked on Phonics, Alpo, Proactiv), Cody is on webcam with Mike Jr, begging him to come.
And poof. Mike’s home! But there’s a catch. He’s brought home his girlfriend, Nina, who is homely as hell until she puts on makeup and turns into the cutest girl ever. She tells us how she met Mike. They did laundry at the same time and she accidentally took his spooge towel to her dorm room to wash her face. He came rushing in to warn her, but by that time she had already broken out in severe face herpes, so she decided she might as well date him and get some free dinner out of the deal. Awwww! Romance.
Mike has brought Nina home before, but they have only been short visits so he’s not sure that she has had the proper taste of what they’re really about. In other words, she’s still with him and they haven’t had a fight about his hideous mother yet so there must be something wrong with her. He hopes to get her marinated in McVana this time to find out if she can really take it. Only when he knows he’s found his true love can he get married, move to another country and change his name.
Mike tells us that since his dad was always in and out of prison their lives, he knows how important it is for a little lesbian boy to have a role model, so he comes home from college as much as he can to be with Cody. The phrase “at college” is used about twenty times in five minutes, as if no one in the Lohan family can quite believe that one of theirs is being properly educated. Montage of boy bonding. Teasing Slohan, playing soccer, zzzzzzzzzzwhyisthisshowstillontheair. Somehow, watching her brothers play leads Slohan to today’s plotline: “I WANT A DOWAG!” They already have five dogs, but you see, none of them is really hers. How many people are hoping her itchy butt causes her to bleed to death? Raise your hands.
Look inside of yourself for your own dog, grasshopper.
Mike sits with Dina and Nina (how cute) in the kitchen talking about how Cody needs a father figure. It’s hard to take Dina’s “normal everyday mom” bs on an average day, but it’s downright hilarious when she’s all done up for her photo shoot. Mike recites his expected “I love my brother and will always be there for him” route, but poor Nina has nothing to say. She can’t stop staring at Dina’s ratted out hair.
Mike tells us how hard they’ve had it as a family. What with McVana’s time in court…
But seriously, she’s dying on the inside.
Lindsay’s rough life…
How would you feel if your own mother cut off your hair when you were sleeping and made extensions out of it?
Ali and her unfortunate face…
And then there’s Cody. He has to deal with all this crap and big fat softball playing ladies keep offering to buy him dinner for no reason.
I loved you in Panic Room! Olive Garden later?
Oh what ever will become of this sad, needy family? Later that night, Mike plays daddy. He tucks Cody in, gives Slohan shit about not gambling in Vegas (how can she when she has to WORK!?!), and robs a liquor store for money to pay for his drugs. Woah, Mike. You can just play daddy without playing your daddy. Jeeze. The next morning, Mike hones in on Slohan’s dog problems. No, he doesn’t buy her a paper bag. Don’t be rude. Ali wants a dog. Well, if she gets one, is she gonna feed it? Is she gonna pick up it’s poop? Of course not. And that’s a problem because….has Mike been gone so long that he’s forgotten all about Assistant Alexis? What’s the hell does she make money for if not to pick up this family’s crap? I do have to say though, as hideous as this family is to me, their dogs are hilarious. This show should be about them.
Someone has to feed them.
Ali finds Dina pretending to do dishes in the kitchen and asks for a dog. Dina’s like OH HELL NO!!! “You don’t even help Alexis me with the dogs we have now.” Then Slo throws a fit, complete with jerky arms and stampy feet. “I WANT A DOWAAAAAG!” As Bernie Mac once advised, “America, beat your children.” Dina stays firm, so Slo kicks her in the spine and runs up the stairs, slamming her door behind her. Dina goes up and sits on the edge of her bed, giving a really heartwarming speech about respect and earning what you want. Kidding! She tells her she hates being yelled at and then slams the door twice as hard as Slo did.
Slo invites her cousin over to witness her rebellion. She gets online and finds a pet store selling the biggest idiot bimbo dog in the world, the micro mini maltese. Girls like this make me want to stomp those purse dogs like bugs. She and cuz drive to the store and Ali finds the pup she wants. The puppy stares at her nose long and hard and whines, as if to say “you should really do something about that,” but Slo loves it anyway and spends more than my rent on it.
When she gets back home, she stands by the front window with the puppy and waits for Dina to get back home. When she does, she gets all excited and runs to the door to greet her mom with the new dog. McVana flips her lid and says the dog has to go back. Slohan simpers off whining “GAAAAWD” and McVana picks up the phone to call Page Six about it. Daughter defies mother with bimbo purse dog. The world will be riveted.
Nanahan comes to the house to do some mothering, since no one else seems to know how to do it. HOLLA NANAHAN!! She tells Dina that “no means no” and what Slohan has done is as bad as rape. Dina counters that with all the pain Slo’s been going through what with the mean girls and all, maybe having something to love and comfort would be a help. Nanahan calls “cop out”, and says again that no means no. Dina says that she will give Slo 24 hours to prove herself. If the dog’s not dead, the kid wins. OY. Nanahan says if she wants to let her kid rape her then fine.
Dina goes up to Slo’s room and finds her pouting. She says she can keep the dog if she picks up poop and walks it. Montage of Slohan picking up poop while squealing and then walking six dogs. Dina informs us that she is really impressed with how responsible Ali’s being today and she really admires her. God I fucking hate these people. Dina says that the dog can stay. Cut to Cody walking all the dogs. LOL. Poor kid.
He just stood in the crosswalk for ten minutes waiting for someone to run him over. Can you blame him?
Nina has basically been hiding out and reading magazines in Mike’s room, which sounds like a plan to me. He goes up to pack their clothes so they can leave the next day. She tells him that she wants to go see her own family that night before they go, and he has a shit fit because the whole reason they’re there is to see his family. They have issues with trust and want to know that Nina will be there through thick and thin, and she’s sending a bad message by going to see her family. What a shit head.
I don’t know why I’m surprised. I also have to point out that Mike can’t just say a fucking sentence. It’s always “to my surprise” or “the mere fact is” or “medulla oblongata”. As I type the words, I can see that they aren’t that big, but in comparison to the rest of the yokels on this show he’s talking like he’s trying to be a snooty asshole. Gross. We get it. You go to colleg. He tells Nina that her wanting to go home means he has to drive her which takes time away from his family. EW. Please go home. E! has filled it’s quota of egotistical selfish assholes.
Slo keeps casually passing by the open door trying to listen, and then runs down to tell Dina about the fight. What’s it about? “Like, I don’t know it’s just like fighting or something about fighting.” Dina declares this an emergency. Someone is getting camera time without her, and she hasn’t approved it. Get a Maloof on the phone.
Fighting is like fighting and it’s wowang when fights happen over I don’t know what but wow fighting MOOOOOOMMMM.
The “fight” continues, which is basically more of what we’ve already heard. Mike gets to be more and more of an asshole and Nina tries not to cry. Then this commercial comes on, which makes me wonder how many retards Dina is managing at once.
You know this nitwit has to be on the Lohan clock.
Dina agrees to take Nina to the train (how generous. The train. Don’t want you to have to get on the freeway, dick) and tells her in the car that time apart is a good thing. I mean look at her. The first guy she was in love with died in a car wreck and the second guy she was in love with turned out to be a total cock face. I don’t know how this is supposed to make the girl feel better, but thanks for the ride, mama cro mag.
When Dina gets home, she goes up to Mike’s room and tries to cry. It doesn’t work, but she does her best to squeeze some kind of look onto that face other than stoic Indian while she cracks her voice. She says that Nina just doesn’t understand what it’s like coming from fame and fortune and if she did she would never want to see her own family. Her advice? If she doesn’t get it, then she’ll never get it. Uh…..anyways, next week on Living Lohan, I come one step closer to suicide. See you then!!!