Living Lohan: How Bout an Eggroll, Mr. Goldstone?

This week on Living Lohan, Dina finds more opportunities to dance while Slo’s locked in a big wooden room in the basement of the Palms.

And then it started to rain frogs.

Last week ended with Zoe the Maloof’s Assistant letting Jeremy down easy and then Jeremy storming out cursing and threatening to delete Slohan from his top eight. Then Dina McVana Lohan swooped down to save the day, called the Maloof’s and promised to fix it. Well, I don’t think that even the producers of this dreck actually watch it, because they seem to have forgotten all of that and tonight we get a brand new ending to last week. In this one, McVana finds out about Jeremy and calls Zoe and then Zoe finds some other guy and…oh who cares? Either way, Slohan looks like she only fired Jeremy because he didn’t bring her a corsage and lie to blogs about having a relationship with her. The best part in all this “drama” is the overly stressed look on poor, overworked Assistant Alexis’ face.

So I guess Circus Circus is out.

Eman, the brilliant writer producer that came up with Ali’s AMAZING (insert beagle howl here) first single, is called back in. He is patient enough to deal with Slo’s unprofessionalism and everyone has already seen his MySpace page, so there won’t be any time wasted there. And for those of you who don’t watch this show and but have found yourself reading this recap due to extreme depression/boredom/hopelessness, it’s unfortunately Eman. Not Iman.

No.

Yes.

If it was Iman, this show would probably be awesome.

McVana is psyched to have Eman back, because as she diplomatically puts it, he makes Slo feel good. In other words, between Eman and Jeremy, Eman’s the better liar. Slo is all giggly and excited to see the big lug again and can’t wait to hear her new song. It starts with a low adult voice going “Hey girl. I love you baby. You a sweet sweet girl.” LOLOLLLLL. At first, Slo thinks it’s another pretend boyfriend being handed to her on a platter, so she starts shading her nose to make it look thinlicious, but then she figures out that the creepy child molester voice is all Eman’s. Oh, you kidder! Slo tries to laugh good heartedly and then goes to the bathroom to cry a little.

Dina, never one to slack, gets to work…ing out at the gym. Last time we saw her exercising, it was with a hottish, greasy, possibly slutty trainer looking like he was paying his way through telenovela school. This time, though, she’s alone. And do you know how hard it is to be adored and alone in a trendy hotel with fans lurking around everywhere wanting a piece of you? Well, neither does McVana. She does, however, know how hard it is to be well known at a trendy hotel with fame hungry little queens walking around everywhere wanting a piece of her. These bottom feeders don’t want your autograph, they want your vcards.

And with that lovely introduction, meet Fame Hungry Little Queen!

OMG you use the elliptical? I use the elliptical!!

Is that a boy or a girl? And does my eye look natural? All these questions are so much hard woooork!

You’re Patsy from AbFab, right? You look great girl! So what can you do for me? I’m totally a choreographer. That means I make up dance steps. Wanna see one? Let me put on my heels.

Uh…what are you doing? You’re making me uncomfortable. Don’t dance.

My brother choreographs for the Chippendales. They’re totally artists. Where are you going?

My fame hurts. I’m gonna go stretch it out. Don’t follow me.

I’ll come! I’m gonna be a star so you might as well let me choreograph something for you now. Please? I’ll lick your…teehee I can’t even say it come ooooon I’m really awesome I swear! Make me as famous as you, Patsy!

Nope, my vagina doesn’t want your card, either. Thanks, though! Good luck to ya!





Wait a second. You don’t talk all Englishy and funnily! You’re not Patsy!

Alright! My vagina took your card, now scram, Mary!

Joan Rivers! You wascal!

Back in the studio, Eman has his mouth firmly locked on Sloahn’s cornhole. Metaphorically. Have some class. He tells her that the sounds of lobsters being boiled alive are invigorating and her album is gonna be a smash. She talks about how horrible it is in her headphones, but she’s kicking her legs up (literally) and giggling while she says it.

I smell. Like ripe talent!

Meanwhile, McVana is up in her suite freshening up and checking to see if Jeremy’s on AIM. He’s not, so she coughs up the card Fame Hungry Little Queen gave her jayjay. Turns out he wasn’t lying about having a ton of brothers and sisters with a dance company, and a couple of the brothers are totally doable, so she rethinks her annoyance with Fame Hungry and picks up the phone. He’ll be cheap and he’s the only choreographer who’s attacked her this week so she isn’t flush with choices. I feel kinda bad for Slo. McVana could at least pretend to take this seriously.

You’ll do. Bring me some cookies and the brother.

At her meeting with Fame Hungry, McVana’s true motive for calling him becomes evident pretty quickly. Slo’s screeching, Little Cody Foster is off being mothered by Alexis, and McVana’s got a camera man all to herself. Why waste him on a night of staying in and trying to get past page ten of “A New Earth”? It’s momma’s time to shine!

Hold your hats and hallelujah!

Mama’s gonna show it to ya!

I don’t know how box steps or shuffles off to Buffalo are gonna help Slo, but it’s good to see McVana take a little time away from being the perfect Mom (cough, ten minute water break) and invest it in her “I was a stah once” bs. When McVana ends their second level jazz class number with the splits, Fame Hungry covers his mouth and asks “Are you ok?” LOL. She pulls herself off the floor as Fame Hungry falls all over himself and claps and giggles wildly. Jeremy out Fame Hungry in. Either way there’s a hand job involved.

After being back on the stage, where no stage mother belongs, McVana comes back up to the suite and gushes about Fame Hungry to Slo. She doesn’t mention that he’s accosted her on the elliptical and was hired because he made her feel like a fake Rockette again, and instead concentrates on his “amazing personality”. This is her subtle way of letting Slo know that she’s not gonna be able to make this one her boyfriend.

But if he plays his cards right and the rest of you kids don’t prove sellable, he might be your new sister.

Little Cody Foster is there too (while Assistant Alexis gambles her face off and hits on dealers, hopefully), and he notes his mom’s excitement and wonders how he could make her happier than she already is.

Sorry, but you only make a nickel a week in allowance, kid, you can’t afford us.

He goes to ask the Maloof’s for a Benjamin and spends the money making flyers that say “LINDSAY LOHAN’S MOM MAKING AN ASS OF HERSELF PUBLICLY AT TEN. FREE!” and plastering them all over the hotel. Wow, what a smart kid! He made this show, which only exists to promote Slo, to somehow promote his mom, too! If there are flyers, she has to perform! What ever will she do?

McVana takes Slo down to rehearse with Fame Hungry in the theater, and look! It’s a bunch of old ladies from the nickel slots! What are they doing here? I don’t know what these people were told, but about fifty of them are in the theater all hyped up and acting like animals.

Who pissed off the descamisados?

Dina talks about how mortified she is that her little lesbian would do this to her, and then she rips off her overcoat to reveal a skin colored unitard covered in sequins as Fame Hungry puts a huge feather and fruit headpiece on her head. Cody, in a Rat Pack fedora, nods at his mom and mouths not to fuck up or she’s not getting a nickel of the door. Fame Hungry joins her onstage and they dance. If one of her kids ever gets married, she’s definitely got the mother of the bride dance down. She puts an ankle behind her ear and does the splits again, and wow. I don’t really know what to say after watching it except that I can kinda understand why the parents in Footloose wanted to keep dancing illegal.

Birthing Stahs: The Musical

The audience looks very confused as they wander back to the nickel slots to graze for discarded coins in the patterned carpet, and Dina scolds Cody Foster and then hands him a fifty.

A show hasn’t been this sickly entertaining since Roy got his neck torn off.

The next morning, after a shower and a few hormone shots, McVana treks to the end of the world (Studio X) to see what magic tricks they’re performing on Slo. The Maloof brothers are there too, and once they listen to Slo’s tracks, they know they have a hit on their hands! Or not. Who cares? WE’RE ON TVVVVV!!!!!” Sue the Vocal Coach is there too, and she couldn’t be prouder.

I just got a call! I got the Volvo!

There’s a big wrap dinner, and everyone gives speeches. The Maloof Brothers pat Slo on the back and then turn to the cameras to tell us about their $6.99 steak dinner before 5. Then Sue the vocal coach drinks until she’s purple and giggles at nothing while rocking back and forth.

They get back home to Lowang Island and McVana and Assistant Alexis are back to work. There’s a mother daughter photoshoot to attend the mortgage hasn’t been paid. Dammit, get Blohan on the phone! Lindsay’s changed her number again, so there’s a lot of digging to be done. Slo calls the Maloof’s to see if they love the album. They don’t take her calls. She tells us that she’s nervous now that she’s done with it all. Too bad, kid. Ya can’t unrecord an album. Can you? Wait, seriously can you? Cuz I’ll totally chip in.

Big brother Mike comes to visit, and Slo tells him that they’re waiting to hear if Universal’s gonna pick up her album. She tries to sound as confident as possible, but she’s got a noose tied around her bed post just in case.

I want Robin Thicke’s label or I’m gonna do it, dammit!

To show us that she’s very busy working and being a mom, Dina does what she always does. She takes dishes out of the dishwasher. Not buying it. I wanna see her work a vacuum.

Wait. Where do these go?

Later, Slo can’t help herself and calls the Maloof’s again. They still don’t answer, so she settles for Andrew, their no man. He explains to Slo that now that she’s done recording, a whole slew of efx artists and shamans are going to come in and try to form her poo into the Statue of David. She asks if he can call Interscope to see if Robin Thicke might be available for lunch sometime and Andrew hangs up on her.

Slo is anxious for the calls to start coming in, and her agent does call, but not about her album. Some B director saw McVana on TV and wants her to star in his Troll remake. Although Dina can’t deny the similarities there…

Scary, ain’t it?

She says that she’s very busy being a good mother and maybe they’d be interested in Slo? There is silence on the other end, and then the agent starts pitching a Fame remake for Slo. Wow! So many possibilities! I was surprised the agent didn’t start reading Backstage ads verbatim to make it sound like he’s doing something. Hey, we all gotta earn our paychecks. Next week, McVana tries to talk Slo into becoming a B list actress and we finally put these bitches to bed.