Living Lohan: I’m Tiiiiiiiiired!

This week on Living Lohan, I MISS NANAHAN!

I worry for you, Nanahan! Stop slutting around and get your raisin to Vegas!

Since nothing really happened last week, or the week before that, or really ever on this show, there is no Previously Ons. Instead, we get snippets of what’s happening in this episode. Slohan explaining just how tough it is to make it in the music biz, a bunch of random interns the Maloof brothers put in charge of their empire running around giving advice like “believe in yourself” and “joo can do it!” and then finally the shot of Slow with giant headphones on her ears wailing “I’m tiiiiiiired!!!” I’m hooked. You?

We start this week with Dina McVana Lohan walking through the house telling no one in particular “hon, you wanna get that bag?” Slohan is starting to feel nervous about the recording trip to Vegas, and her little lesbian brother Cody Foster gives her some pretty good advice.

Hide.

Leaving is chaos. The dogs are barking, Cody won’t take the blanket off his head, and the biggest drama of all: while shading her nose to look pencil thin (good luck with that hon), Slohan falls down in the bathroom! Instead of helping her kid, Dina paces by, rolls her eyes, and shouts to that same no one in particular “SHE FELL! This is not. Happening.” Then she leaves. LOL. I think we can all agree by now that Dina McVana Lohan is a pretty shitty person, but I gotta tell ya, the bitch is growing on me. The bags are packed, the dogs are drugged. Let’s go! Slo hobbles down the stairs while her mom sighs and gets herself ready for the challenge ahead. “Here we go,” she says, as if even she’s having trouble making sense of all this in her head, “Next kid.”



In a flash, all their troubles are behind them and the girls are in Vegas. Dina is back enjoying her favorite hobby (curling up in a limo her kid paid for) and Slo is acting the part of the singer. Singing well? No. Drinking out of a water bottle. Suck on a Riccola and you’ll be right up there with Celine, kid. The family checks into a penthouse suite at the Palms and look! It’s Assistant Alexis! And she’s not wearing her usual argyle sweater! Atta girl! I think she was talked into coming back on the show when she was bought a new dress and given McVana’s old extensions.

A raise would have been nice, but 10 year old clips of Lindsays hair sewn to my head works too.

Before the screeching can begin, the Maloofs invite the Lohans to a big fancy Vegas party to honor Slo. They meet Slo’s producer, who you know is a giant cheeseball because A. He wrote a song that landed low enough in the barrel for Dina to scrape it up and B. His name is Emmanuel but he goes by Eman. Good Lord. I am sure I could get all the way to Z, but this is a TVgasm recap, not a Wikipedia page.

Big Maloof intoduces Ali as “the next big pop star” as Assistant Alexis eyes his butt. Also notice in the following pic that Jeremy is doing his best not to have a cross eyed spazm. I would be nervous too. They are surrounded by huge huge huge stars.

Is that Kid Crock in the background?

Big Maloof asks Slo what kind of music she wants to make, because it might be good to know that tomorrow when they start recording. She says she likes “rhythmic kind of music.” No one seems to know what that is, so she elaborates. She wants to sing hip hop and music that she and her friends (I assume she means the puppy) can dance to. He suggests that she start writing her own songs, since “that’s where the money is in the future.” She has a lot of life experience, so there’s a huge creative well to draw from. “My Mom Forced Me to Make an Ass of Myself in an All Black Theater” or “I Tricked My Mom Into Letting Me Have a Puppy” have nice rings to them, but she should definitely start with “My Nose.”

It wouldn’t be a Lohan party without paparazzi, so Dina calls her pals at Access Hollywood to send a newbie over. The reporter starts interviewing Kid Crock, but McVana slaps her in the back of the head and threatens her life if she doesn’t march her twiggy ass over to Slohan and get cracking. Poor Kid Crock. He just can’t get ahead. In her interview, Slo says that she knows the tabloids are always saying Dina forces her kids into whore’s lives, but it’s really the kids forcing her. Her mom is just helping her follow her dream! Aw. She’s so cute. I used to have a dream of roller skating down mountaintops. If my mom had helped me with that I would have thought she was the best mother ever. Even when I was in a body cast.

Fascinating. Are we done? Crock’s leaving.

Later that night, Slo sits on the balcony with Assistant Alexis for some real motherly affection. Alexis asks her how she’s feeling and Slo answers that it’s weird with all these people around paying attention to her, but she’s getting used to it. Advice: don’t. Before bed, Dina brings Ali a gift. It’s a necklace with a winged heart. She was gonna give it to Lindsay, but the little slut has stopped returning her calls, so like the discarded music career, it goes to Slo. McVana says that if anything freaks Ali out to just call mommy and she will send Alexis over to fix it. Awwww! I didn’t know this episode was going to be so heartwarming.

First thing in the morning, McVana has a meeting with the hardasses of the Maloof empire. Zoe and some other guy. They aren’t gonna kiss ass or pat heads. They are here to make sure that Ali gets her shit together and the Maloofs money isn’t wasted. I will call them the Goons. They sit Dina down and tell her that Slohan needs to focus and get her tracks in on time. In other words, keep your crap to yourself, lady. McVana’s face says that she doesn’t like being lectured.

Have you seen The Parent Trap, douchebags? All me.

This is the lady goon. She doesn’t say much. She looks scared shitless of McVana, and I don’t blame her. I can’t wait to see Lady Goon lose it. Her eyes might pop right out of her little head, and that’s television.

You’re so pretty. Are you Lindsay’s sister or her mom? I mean really!

Guy Goon finishes his lecture and McVana lets a second of silence pass to make sure he’s done. Her turn! She says that Ali is only 14, which means she’s a baby and they can’t force her to bullshit a recording career just to pay the mortgage on the Long Island house work twenty four hours a day. They need to give the girl “room to create”. LOL. That I gotta see. Guy Goon gives her a look that says “Did you hear one fucking thing I just said, lady?” Don’t worry, Guy Goon. You’ll get used to it.

Fuck with me and I’ll kill the puppy, lady.

After a pep talk from mommy (“fuck this up and I’ll kill the puppy, Ali”), Slo goes into the studio to practice her first song with the pianist. It’s half on key, which means she’s been practicing. Go, Ali! Eman doesn’t even let her finish. He’s heard enough. Everyone in the room starts clapping and telling her how awesome it sounds while Eman looks for a Folgers can for the poor kid to sing into. McVana claps and smiles tightly, looking like she’s trying to figure out how to make the advance check from the Maloofs last until she can get Lindsay on the phone.

She’s either channeling Carol Channing or she’s scared shitless. You decide.

McVana tells us that she is going to put her trust in the producer and leave the room. This way, she can blame someone else when Slo tanks and she can play some roulette with the advance check. Who knows? Maybe she’ll make enough to patch the wall that the huge fire ravaged. The first song aptly keeps repeating the phrase “falling down”, which just kills me. Ali is visibly nervous, and her wails are painful even to me and I only have to listen to little slivers. Eman must be planning his own suicide right about now. After each take, Ali rolls her eyes and jumps up and down. “That was so beeeead!” Eman finally tells her to have some self confidence. I hope she listens. It’s hard to kick someone when they’re down. I’ll do it, but I don’t like myself for it.

In the penthouse, Cody is bored off his ass. Dina asks him what he wants to do and the only thing he says is “soccer”. Come on you little lez, you’re in VEGAS, BABY! McVana considers taking the kid to some museums, but then settles on the next best thing. A lunch date with Lance Burton, renowned magician. Was Phyllis Diller busy? Lance does all sorts of sleight of hand tricks with plastic bunnies, and then he starts pulling silverware out of Dina’s face. She thinks it’s all fun and games until he gets a screw. Hey! That was supposed to be there! Put it back before her face falls off! The real magic here is Lance’s head shot. Dang, boy. If you could make yourself look like that I’d pay to see your show.

The disappearing waddle.

After Lance leaves, Dina looks at Cody with a big jack-o-lantern grin, like “see? Mommy loves you!” Cody Foster shrugs. “Can we play soccer now?” It’s been a couple of hours, and poor Slo is still trying to squawk out the first two lines of the song. Her vocal coach Susan is in the booth with her trying to pump her up and make her believe that she’s not making angels cry. Me thinks Susan is a con artist. If you take two hours and still can’t get out two damn lines, the vocal coach should be burned at the stake. Big Maloof, who is watching, seems to agree with me. He no look happy. Slo keeps whining “that was beead! Don’t looie! It was ooowaful!” Susan jumps up and down and spouts positive reinforcements, but no one’s buyin’. She gets annoyed and tells Ali that she better start believing in herself like everyone else does. It’s not like all these people don’t have anything better to do. “There’s food here!” LOL, Sue.

Oh Eman. Now you’re gonna work even less.

To the studio’s chagrin, Ali takes off her headphones and tries not to cry. The stress is killing her. She’s not confident and she’s scared of what everyone’s gonna think about her when this album comes out. Well, it’s a little late for that, but I do feel for Slo. I give her a lot of crap here, but she is just a fourteen year old girl who’s way in over her head. It’s a dilemma. When you see a fly on your window sill, you swat it. When you see a baby fly, do you swat it? OF COURSE YOU DO! You might feel horrible about it, but you know that if you don’t swat it, it will just grow into an adult fly and it will be all over shit and buzz in your ear and annoy you. I forgot what my point was. Oh yeah. Ali’s crying.

The Maloofs ask Eman how Ali’s voice is for a 14 year old and he says that it’s great (cough) but he’s getting annoyed with her negativity. The Maloofs don’t care about that. They just wanna know how much they stand to lose. Let’s put it this way. Stick to slots.

Montage of McVana taking Cody Foster all over Vegas. He brings his soccer ball everywhere with him, which is adorable and sad. They go to the Liberace Museum, the arcade at the Luxor, and finally the wax museum. The best part is when Elvis takes a picture with the wax McVana. Wait. Other way around? Dammit. Who’s dead? I can’t tell the diff. They both look so lifelike.

Back in the studio, Eman decides to have a talk with Ali. He walks to the booth glass and asks if he can tell her a story. She rolls her eyes and sits back to listen. “All the greatest singers are the hardest workers, Ali.” She gives him a thumbs up and says “great story. Thanks. When am I done?” L. O. L. Eman lets her go on break and tries coming up with a better story.

Maybe I can organize a lunch with Lance Burton.

Slohan comes back from her break and twirls around and plays with her hair. She gets back in front of the mic when an announcement from Eman comes through the speakers. “You’re done. For the day.” Instead of feeling like a total tool, she gets all excited. He pulls her into an office and gives her a speech. She has a modicum of talent and could be really decent at this if she stopped acting like a spoiled bimbo brat and made an effort. He tells her that after this recording process, she might be one thousand times better. You could be good! She laughs and jokingly asks “so I’m not great now?” He doesn’t answer. HAHA Eman. Slo looks like this is the first time she has ever considered the possibility that she’s not Pavarotti.

I dare you to say that again in front of mommy.

Ali goes to the empty penthouse and calls Dina, who is still out on the town with Cody Foster. Not hearing the despair in Slohan’s voice (or not caring), McVana goes on and on about how much fun they’re having. Slo starts crying. “No faaaair! You guys did everything! I didn’t do anythingggg!!! WAAAAHH! No faaiiir! I’m tiiiiired!” What a brat. McVana says that she’s on her way home and they can go to some clubs and get wasted to make up for time missed. Actually, she promises “down time”, but I have a feeling that’s what she meant. On her way home, Dina wonders how she’s gonna pay the mortgage. If she was paying any attention at all, she would have noticed the marquee on the cab next to her and realized that she could be the one with a career if only she’d admit that she’s not twenty.

Where fake Rockettes go to die.

When she gets back to the penthouse, McVana explains to Slo that being an untalented star is even harder work than being a real star and if she doesn’t want to do it, they can hand the Maloofs back their sack fulls of money. Slo decides that she will continue to record even though it means missing Elvis posing with her mom.

McVana pulls Eman aside and tells him to treat Ali with kid gloves and to give her ten minute breaks. It will make all the difference in the world. Also, if you have some ear plugs and some demerol, that would help too. Then, she takes Slo to a big huge stage in the hotel and lets her sing along with her own recording to get the feel of what singing on a huge stage might be like. Wow. Two horrible voices at once. There’s always a bargain to be had at the Palms. Thanks, Maloofs! The audience is empty. They really are making this as realistic as possible. All that’s missing are rotten tomatoes splatting all over the stage.

The next day, McVana joins her kid in the studio and brings her false confidence with her. Slohan does a million times better than the day before. Sure, a million times zero is zero, but who’s doing math? Certainly no one in this family. She sounds not as sucky, is my point. And after some pro tools effects, then some live effects, and then some reason effects, she’s put back through the photoshop effects and when everyone gathers to listen to the final product, it doesn’t sound like the Holocaust. I mean that as a compliment. This kid is gonna make it!

Next week, Cody Foster gets shy at a party full of Playboy Bunnies and asks his mom for makeup and a training bra. See you then!!

Mom, I think I like girls.

PS – Guys it’s been awhile since I made you a new ringtone for your celly. This is Slohan at her most brilliant. Enjoy and LOVE!

This one is for your iPhone:

And this one is for your MP3 cell (Blackberry, etc.):