Living Lohan: Nanahan’s Last Stand

This week on Living Lohan, Mike kills the dogs, Nina becomes a Stepford Wife with no opinions of her own, and Nanahan tells Dina to kiss her grits.

Don’t bite the Nanahan that feeds you, biatch!

As you may remember, last week we learned that Mike, big brother Lohan, is as self absorbed as the rest of the family. He was all offended that his girlfriend would want to spend one night with her own family before she went back to school. Why so dramatic? Because the Lohans are famous, which means they need to really bond with Nina to know if they can trust her. I know what you’re thinking. I feel like a total retard just having to write that paragraph.

We start today’s episode with Slohan trying to figure out why Mike’s girlfriend Nina left in such a huff last week, because Slo could only hear the ocean with her head pressed up against the door during the fight. When Mike tells her, she gives him the same look I’m giving the TV.

You think you got problems? I have to go to rehearsal at the all black theater later.

Mike hasn’t heard anything from Nina since she left. He doesn’t for one second that it might be because he’s a giant asswipe. Instead, he guesses that she must be “workin’ things out” in her mind. I doubt that. If she was the type to think hard, she wouldn’t be with such a twerp in the first place. Slo whines about not wanting to see her favorite couple in pain, and I press the FF button.

Dina McVana Lohan wants to care about her son’s sex life with Nonhan, but she has bigger fish to fry. She has to pack everyone up for Vegas in only 24 hours! That’s some real stress. Putting clothes in a bag. Rough. Closeup of the plastic Mother of the Year plaque from the top of the grocery store cake at the honoree’s ball. I wonder where Assistant Alexis is during all this. Shouldn’t packing be her job? McVana is determined to prove to us that she is packing for herself that she makes sure the camera guys get shots of her coming out of the attic. She brings down some lockets of Lindsay’s hair for luck. Packing done.

Phil Maloof calls to get Ali excited for her recording trip. They will be staying at the Maloof’s Palms hotel and recording in the Maloof’s studio while appearing on Living Lohan, the Maloof produced show. The Maloof brothers have a lot riding on Slohan, and it’s gonna be good times watching her fuck it all up. Yay Vegas!!

Dina wants Nanahan to tag along (so do I! PLEEAAASE!), but the old lady won’t budge. She has a feeling she will be stuck listening to Ali screech all day and picking up her new puppy’s poopie instead dropping Lindsay’s hard earned nickels in the 5 cent Blondie slots like she wants to. The woman is wise.

The camera man must only approach Nanahan when he is told. Otherwise, it’s behind the door or nothing. You go, Nanahan!

I think some time must have passed before the last episode and this one, because Dina is wearing sunglasses inside the restaurant she has brought Nanahan to. Normally I would call this rude, but after a closeup in the testimonial booth, I see that McVana is actually doing us all a favor. She’s had a trip to the doctor and her face is scarier than usual. Her lips won’t even close all the way.

Yikes. Heal up and try again. The slice of burnt bacon I ate this morning had a better doctor.

Dina hounds her mother about the trip. Why won’t she go? Why does she have to be so difficult? There has to be some deep seeded reason here. As she avoids looking Dina in the face (so as not to have a heart attack) Nana insists that she has to take care of her house and the forty year old son who lives in it with her. Poor Nanahan. Kick that fat bastard out of the house. Forty? GET A JOB, DUDE! Guess Dina got all the business acumen in that family; that or the forty year old doesn’t have kids of his own to pimp out. Poor guy. Dina thinks the reason for the no to Vegas might be Nana’s fear of flying, so she offers to drive them all in a Winnebago. LOL. Yes, please.

When Dina gets home from lunch, little Cody Foster is playing by himself (as usual) in the back yard. McVana asks him if he’s excited to go to Vegas, and he says no cuz he’s gonna miss all his friends. Then he looks at the trees and pours a cup of tea for Mister Pecan. Poor little lesbian.

Softball. What a shocker.

Dina makes Mike play basketball with Cody to talk him into wanting to go to Vegas. Over a game of Horse, we get to see Mike whip out his condescending daddy skills. For every shot he hits or misses, Cody has to say a reason he doesn’t want to go to Vegas, or a reason he does. Huh? I don’t get the rules.

Shot one: I am going to miss my tea friends and we have a discussion of Dr. Seuss’s greatest work next week.

Shot two: When Ali sings it sounds like a fire alarm, and I don’t want to be embarrassed when the entire hotel has to be cleared.

Shot three: Mom’s new face scares the crap out of me and gives me nightmares and I want her to have two weeks to heal before she comes close to me again.

Sensing that his little daddy game isn’t doing any convincing, Mike tells Cody that he has to go because there’s no one to stay with him. Then Cody says that he wants to go back to college with his big bro. AWWWWW!!! Mike gently explains that the Universe just wouldn’t be able to make sense of there being two Lohan’s in college at once. You don’t want another Big Bang, do you? It could kill Nanahan.

Liberal Women Studies Major

Cody goes inside to inform his mother that he’s going to college with Mike, and she tells him the rule about there not being more than one Lohan allowed into an educational institution at one time. He can’t believe she has the same answer that Mike had. “Do you want another Big Bang? You could kill Nanahan.” He rolls his eyes and says while Mike is in class he will stay by himself. McVana shrugs. “Eleven years old is enough to stay by yourself? Where’d you read that? The internet? Because the internet is full of liars! LIARS! Now call Lindsay and ask her if she wants to have her friend Samantha over.”

Cut to the eye mask on a dressing chair in Ali’s room:

The only man who will ever do that will have to be wearing this, kiddo.

Ali packs as her new little child drinks on the floor.

Cutest hamster ever.

Mike finds Cody in his room and tells him to be a man and just go. He has no choice, just like Mike had no choice but to leave home for eight months while Lindsay shot The Parent Trap. He knows that it sucks being the ignored non famous one, but it’s their lot in life so get over it. Finally, Cody turns to his brother and says something that he should have said a long time ago:

Mike explains that this is Ali’s dream and it should be over in less than twelve minutes. Besides, how else are they gonna pay for his college and Cody’s college or even the house? Lindsay’s not returning their calls. Cody finally agrees with a hug. Sweetest kid ever. Someone please get him out of that house ASAP. Are you curious about what’s going on in Mike and Nina’s relationship? Me neither, but here goes. He calls her from his cell to see how she’s doing with her family she did in the car ride with his mom, and can’t understand why she won’t call him back. There. Enough of that.

Coming up, Slohan auditions for a Vagisil commercial.

Cody has relented on the Vegas thing, but Nanahan won’t budge, so Dina calls her brother Paul over to help. While he tries to explain to her that she’s not queen of the world and no one wants to hear Ali sing before the electronic filters are in place, Cody tries to teach Nana how to play Horse outside. She doesn’t get it, but like his mother, Cody won’t stop until the old biddie makes a basket.

Oy. How many lesbians does one family need?

And she scores!!! NICE, NANAHAN! Later that night, Dina and her brother corner Nana in the kitchen. Dina starts her “you’re going to Vegas” rant, Nana loops “OH HELL NO” over and over, and Paul just shrugs and says “she doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to.” Big help there, Paul. Thanks for coming over. I would call this the most pointless scene ever, but we’ve already watched two games of horse today.

While Dina walks around the backyard talking to Mike about how to drug Nanahan and get her on the plane without her knowing, Cody and Ali try to devise a plan to get Mike and Nina back together. They can’t make him less of a self absorbed dickhead, so Ali suggests singing them a love song. Cody covers his ears and starts crying. I guess that’s a no. They decide that they will make a romantic dinner for the couple. Awww. It’s just like The Parent Trap! But without any talent or budget or entertainment value.

McVana gets Nanahan alone in the Lindsay shrine to hound her. Goddammit this is seriously getting old. Nanahan says no. She has a lot of sitting around to do at home and she will miss talking to her talking dog. Ok, Barbara Walters. As she leaves, she says that she would rather not be asked into the office ever again because the cut outs of Lindsay everywhere are starting to freak her out.

Stop being an asshole, mom.

Cody and Ali, in all their wackiness, “make dinner”. Yikes. They basically throw a raw chicken on a plate and unbag some frozen asparagus. While they cook, Slohan calls Nina and tells her that Mike wants to see her. When that doesn’t work, she says that Mike broke out in bumps all over his penis and they need her to come see the family doctor. Nina shows up, and the kids go up to get Mike and…commercial. WHAT? I’M DYING TO SEE HOW THIS ALL TURNS OUT!

My guess is that Mike will try to make Nina understand that his family is very big and important and they need to be given more attention than her poor Nonhan family. Or they both die of food poisoning before a word is spoken. I’m hoping for the latter. A Jackie Warner Workout Video commercial comes on and dang, does she go to Dina’s doctor?

The only things missing here are a bad weave and a cut out of Lindsay behind her.

Sure enough, the fight is resolved when Nina realizes that Mike’s family needs all of her attention because they are famous. She vows to never speak to her parents again and then the evening ends in a kiss. I’m just so fucking fulfilled by that. Aren’t you? They couldn’t stomach the chicken, so callously, they feed it to the dogs.

Well, at least no one has to worry about boarding the little beasts. Bury em in the backyard and pack Nanahan in the trunk. Time for Vegas!

Ali comes to the kitchen and sees that the chicken is missing. She shouts “HEY! YOU FED ‘EM TA THUH DOWAAAGS!” This girl has star written all over her.

The wain in Spain fowalls mainly owan the pwain. Perfect! Places!

Nanahan comes over with a picture of her dead husband for Ali’s birthday, since she’s gonna miss it. Were they out of Wiis at Best Buy? Oh, grandmas. My grandma once gave me a crumpled up bullet to remember my Grandpa by, even though he never fought in a war. I was like, huh? Do you have twenty bucks? Ali has the same reaction. Cody, though, pulls his grandpa’s mass card out of his shin guard to show Nana. He keeps it there to remember the old man, and it’s so goddamn sweet. Why is he even on this show? Nanahan reads the poem on the back of the card and cries, and it’s hard for me not to squeeze a couple out along with her. Then I see Dina try to move her new mouth and I start laughing again.

Maybe Lindsay would call me if my lips were this big. I’m just not ever pretty enough! WAAAAHH.

McVana finally realizes that her mother doesn’t want to leave her house because she is depressed about the death of her husband. Either that, or she knows that since she opened a floodgate, Nanahan’s likely to cry the entire trip and there will be enough painful wailing coming from the studio. Either way, Dina relents and leaves her mother alone. THANK YOU.

Best news of the ep? MIKE GOES HOME. As he leaves, Dina (still trying to make her mouth work) stands with Slohan and watches him pull away. Finally, Ali shows a glimpse of what she might possibly be good at in the future.

From the McMansion to the Bunny Ranch (Or, How Dina Profits Either Way): an E! True Hollywood Story

Next week, Slohan gets to Vegas and cries in the recording booth. “I’m tiiiiiiiired!” I am too, honey. I am too.