Losing it with Jillian—in Deep Fried S**t

So, over the weekend my sister (we’ll call her “Janice” because that’s what everyone else calls her) told me she was reading an interview with J-roid in Redbook magazine and to paraphrase, J-roid said she pretty much throws at both sides of the dart board in her dating world.  I about fell out of my recliner.  People still read Redbook???!!!  Stunning….

For a different kind of romp this week, we venture to Goodletsville to meet the Northern family.  For anyone new to the show, it’s not nearly as hilarious as “Intervention” because personally, I like my rocks to hit a deeper bottom to achieve the level of joy I really appreciate.  Okay, not really—I’m not some crazed masochist who revels in others’ pain.  Crazed is such a misunderstood word.  And as I’ve hopefully discovered, it is very possible to find humor in some of the darkest circumstances.  (“Intervention” recap:  Crack is whack because you never get your money back.  The end).

Back to this show:  Jillian Michaels (J-droid) from The Biggest Loser fame moves in with a selected family for a week and attempts to turn their lives around both mentally and physically.  And as we’ve discovered over the past few shows, her website also gives the family some sort of monetary compensation.  Which I firmly believe is used to replace all the food she throws away while she’s there.  And let’s talk about the family selection process.  How would you like that job?  I guess families send in DVDs of their pathetic stories in the hopes that they get selected to be featured on the show.  So, J-droid and her cronies must sit around watching these agonizing DVD’s and decide who is worthy of her presence for a week.  Do they go for the worst of the worst or do they pick ones that she can actually fix?  Do they eat popcorn and drink soda while watching these?  Do spouses send in their erotic tapes by mistake and will they be on a blooper reel?  Do they secretly laugh at these people and dress like them for the Halloween office party?  We’ll never know.

But we can guess.

The show opens with it’s regular inspiring theme song which for some reason never sticks in my head.  “I’m learning to live…” or something.  Which I thought meant finding the perfect rib recipe.  I am no music savant.  But…

“I’m a lyrical gangster”

J-Roid has traveled to Goodlettsville, TN and for those of you without solid South geographical references (or Google maps), Goodlettsville is a charming small town (aren’t they all?) about 15-20 miles outside of Nashville.  Here she meets the Northern family.  If you’re named “Northern” and you live in the south, what else are you supposed to do but let your life fall apart?  J-roid has her work cut out for her just with that!  J-roid:  “Move to Minnesota—you’ll be okay.  Here’s your check.”

The Northern family consists of Patrick (Dad), Kim (Mom) and 14 year old twins Ameer and Ameera

Okay, the Northern kids are actually boy/girl twins and technically these little bitches who gave me nightmares for years were sisters, not twins.  Poetic license or sloppy researching.  You decide.

Just once, I’d like to see the family dog be included in J-roid’s invasion.  With her perfectly shaped eyebrows arched with concern and her buff left gun wrapped around the chubby dog’s neck, “Furface, I know that no one in this house will take you for a walk.  You have to take matters into your own paws.  No, don’t look at me like that.  You are your own dog.  Don’t you want to be more than milk bone eating machine?  Aren’t you worth more than that?  Stop crying….wait, what????”

“Timmy’s in the well???”

Patrick tells us his nickname used to be PeeWee because he was the smallest kid on the block.  He lost his job a while back and totally lost his drive to do anything.  Now, they don’t delve into what his job was or why or when he was let go, but I have my suspicions.  I can’t get into details because of the legal matters at hand, but my guess is his orange shorts no longer fit him like they once did…

Totally suing

J-roid pulls up to the house and through the magic of Big Brother technology, she can watch the family making their lunch without them knowing that she’s watching from the car.  If you have a hidden camera among the very visible camera crew is still considered a hidden camera?  And if they have one hidden camera, why can’t they all be hidden?  Are the rest of the hidden cameras watching “Persons Unknown”?  Are hidden cameras more expensive?   Too difficult to hide?  Also, why can’t dogs laugh?

The family’s lunch consists of deep fried wings, mac and cheese and something else not clearly identified, so I’ll go with sourdough encrusted red snapper with tomato basil consommé.  Or it’s corn bread. While the family is chowing down, the dreaded phone call comes…

“Stretch pants and chicken grease.   Why, what are you wearing?”

Patrick immediately says, “Tell her I ain’t here.”  LOL, Patrick, I hear you…J-roid tells Kim to tell the family to put the food down.  Ameera, girl after my own heart, chomps down one last wing.  J-roid tells them to grab their work out clothes (tags still on them I’m sure) and go to her doctor for the bad news.

Haven’t used these in years.  The clothes, not the thighs…

The doc tells Patrick he is 137lbs overweight.  My magic calculator does the math for us:  137lbs = 230,000 chicken wings.  He also suffers from high blood pressure and high cholesterol which is astonishing, considering chicken(wings) is not the other white meat—it IS the white meat.

Kim is 144lbs over weight with over 53% body fat.  So, both hubby and wife are in the same boat and yes, you’re going to need a bigger boat.  Both kids are scared that their parents are going to die and it’s all very sad.  Time to meet J-roid and start the transformation (cue dramatic music!!!).

They all meet at some kind of fort or some historic site in downtown Goodlettsville.  Rush hour must have been a bitch because the family’s all standing around, sucking chicken wing sauce from their fingernails waiting for J-roid.  First thing our girl J says is, “After seeing what they ate, I’m going to kill them.”  Nice.  Kim said, “After seeing Jillian, I was anxious, scared, hoping I wouldn’t throw up.”  At 53% body fat, I’m sure a quick bile/mac and cheese hurl couldn’t really hurt, but I am not a licensed dietician.  Ameera was scared because it looked like J-roid could pick her up and throw her across the field if she didn’t do what she asked.  Now, Ameera, don’t be silly—this is NBC, not FOX.

J-roid starts the workout and very quickly asserts that Patrick used to be an athlete.  He concurs, but he never really explains what kind of athlete.  Hmmmm…

They run, they lift logs (???) and it doesn’t take long for Patrick to give up and Kim to quit right beside him.  J-roid yells at them and the kids start crying.  Another fun family day at the park!

After calling it quits for the day with the workout, it is time for the home visit.  It’s a very nice home, beautifully painted but instead of admiring the décor, J-roid heads straight for the kitchen and goes through the family’s lunch leftovers.  Is it wrong to say I was impressed they had leftovers?  I’ve never thrown away a cold teaspoon of Stove Top.  She dumps all the leftovers and then finds the oil for the deep fryer.  Uh oh.  And kids, this ain’t your Mama’s Wesson…

It’s a 5 gallon jug of oil!  Then Patrick admits he keeps stashes of oatmeal pies all over the house.  He’s pulling them out from behind cabinets, inside empty flower pots, in the backs of closets.  And he’s admitting it!  Oh, dude, you have so much to learn about addiction.  Kim pulls out her bag of candy stash—next to her side of the bed.  And where in the world do they get these people?  It’s called “stash” for a reason.  Didn’t you see what she did with the rest of your food?  There are seven garbage bags full of what I call my dream buffet and you’re giving J-roid more to pitch.  *Sigh*  I realize now I would follow J-roid’s car around during her adventures and forage through the discarded food.  Love handles?   Check.  Jelly-belly?  Check.  Fleshy thighs?  Check.  Pride?  Not so much.

J-roid starts delving into the “Why I’m fat” part of the show.  Because I’m lazy, I like gravy and beer tastes really good to me.  What?  Oh, them.  Not me.  Well, Kim feels like with Patrick losing his job, all the responsibility is on her shoulders.  Patrick is basically an oatmeal cake-eating quitter.

I have one more stash…mwahahahahahahaha

Dawn breaks with Body Bug product placement.  The Body Bug is a contraption that fits on your arm kind of like a blood pressure sleeve that measures how many calories you burn through out the day. Then you enter how many calories you eat (and not lie) and it calculates how much weight you’re losing and fat you’re burning.  J-roid explains that this is their Bible now.  “I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and you gave me drink”  Matthew 25:35.  Okay, maybe not that part of the Bible…

Mom and Dad head to the gym and it’s all about every time J-roid pushes Patrick, he quits.  Even with Kim yelling encouragement and J-roid just plain yelling, he quits over and over again.  Gotta love this guy.  At least he’s consistent.  Then it’s time for him to fall off the treadmill.  He tells J-roid his “leg just gave out”.  True story:  I saw this girl wipe out on a treadmill because her I-Pod fell off and she was trying to grab it.  Workouts can be dangerous, but hilarious.

J-roid keeps yelling questions at Patrick:  “Have you ever given yourself a chance at anything?  What do you want in your life???”  He finally answers (correctly):  “I want my health back.”  Ding, ding, ding!  He wins!  And what do we have for Patrick?  More working out!  Crappy prize, I must say…But, he gets back on the treadmill and proves to J-roid that he is actually physically capable.  And he needs to set the tone for the whole family.

Next we see a visit from Kim’s sister LaTasha who tells J-roid that Kim did nothing for her 40^th birthday because Kim wanted to be a sexy 40, not an overweight, out-of-shape 40.  I just want to be breathing and able to lift my beer bottle, so you go, Kim.

Girrrllll

Day 3 (or something…so many moons/suns rising…who knows?), J-roid finds Patrick with the largest set of headphones on his head working on his computer.  Apparently, he’s putting together a music mix for something called the “Greek Show”.

Who needs music when you have box wine and roofies?

Turns out it’s a showcase of something called “step dancing”.  Since I left “cool”, “with it” and “hip” in my other pants, I have no idea what “step dancing” is.  Turns out it’s kind of like line dancing with soul.  They go to this huge auditorium and these different groups perform in front of the crowd.  What strikes me is how much J-roid stands out:

She’s the one in shape.

Everyone tries to talk Patrick into getting out there and joining the groups, but he wants no part of it.  J-roid and Kim both feel he is living on the sidelines.  Which is not a bad place to be because that’s where the vendors are.

Back in the gym, J-roid decides the only thing that will really motivate Patrick is to break Kim.  Dang, Bauer.  She pushes Kim harder and harder until finally Kim starts bawling, “I’m hurting in my heart.  I don’t want to be the responsible one.”  I do that at work all the time and no one gives a s**t; they just ask if I’m still bringing food for Breakfast Friday.  But for her, it works.  They’re both sobbing on the treadmills.  I can’t imagine that scene not being disturbing to the other gym patrons which is yet another reason to avoid gyms.  Too much emo.

Patrick decides to start working on the house.  Little things like replacing doorknobs, painting trim, installing a trapeze in the bedroom.

Back in the gym, J-roid decides she has broken him down enough and it’s time for him to start training Kim so they can work as a team.  Sounds to me like our girl is getting lazy.  She just stands around and watches as Patrick pushes Kim and before you know it, it turns um, sexy??  Holy cow, when did sport bras and sweat become aphrodisiacs?  Some call it a work out.  I call it free Skinemax.

Dang…get a locker room!

Our happy couple is all lovin’, touchin’, squeezin’ each other and J-roid says, “Let’s go rollerskating!”  Because that will work out well.  She also claims she doesn’t know how and I’m shocked that our girl was not part of some kind of derby in her life.

She looks totally different with helmut hair

They show the whole family roller-skating in a cheesy (is there any other kind?) rink with awesome music and lights.  There are not many other people out in the rink with them, but I gotta tell you—If I saw Patrick heading my way on a pair of skates, I’d head straight for the snack bar.  He falls repeatedly and God love him, he doesn’t get mad or embarrassed—he just laughs.  His kids are laughing.  Kim?  She’s grooving to the music all on her own.

“And she’s a brick…house”

They all have a good time and before we know it, the last day has arrived.  J-roid talks to the parents about goals.  She’ll be gone for 2 whole months this time!  Slacker.  Kim wants to lose 20 lbs.  Nice try.  That would be like 3 days of the stomach flu.  Try 40lbs.  Patrick wants to lose 60lbs and be more open to Kim.  No one cares about the kids’ goals, but I believe they want to quit being dragged to the skating rink with their parents.

Yay, product placement!  This time J-roid shows Patrick her website and how’s she has designed a work out and a menu for all of them.  So, Patrick, less time on “People of Walmart” and more time on her site!  Oh, fun.  With her last meeting with the family, she says how proud she is.  Ameer cries and says he’s so happy because now his Dad won’t die.  J-roid promises he won’t.  Unless there is some horrible blimp accident.  I notice J-roid carries one bag.  For a whole week.  Proof that she is not a girl or doesn’t care about dirty undies.

Dirty Bird

8 weeks later.  There’s a big bash in downtown Nashville for Kim’s belated 40^th birthday.  I think she’s like 45 now or something… Big group is gathered on the roof:

Both Ameer and Ameera look awesome and apart from their unfortunate names, it looks like they’ll be all right.  Patrick comes out and he really looks great:

He has pride agian and is mugging for the camera.  He has lost 61 lbs.  And apparently, he did get a new job.  Once again, no details.  But I have inside sources:

Kim’s about to come out for her big reveal, but I’m so distracted by J-roid’s outfit.

Amish Ass Kicker

Then Kim comes out and she does look awesome.

She has lost 41lbs and she says she feels fabulous.  The family all thanks J-roid for giving them the kick in the butt to get back on track and she outdoes them with a check for fifty grand.  Nice!  Everyone jumps up and down:

Not the best idea

Patrick finally decides to step dance for Kim and I must say, it was anticlimactic.  He did no lifts, didn’t really connect with the music or the crowd—the choreography was off….but….it was really tender and the future is bright for the Northern family.

Until next week…thanks so much for reading