Losing it with Jillian: Jonesing for a Cupcake…

Hi, everybody! We’re back with another hysterical episode of Losing it with Jillian. Well, not really hysterical–but there’s humor in everything, isn’t there? First of all, thank you all so much for your comments and nickname suggestions. You sure know how to make a girl feel welcome. I believe Robinez hit the nail on the head with Jilliandroid, because oh, I don’t know…Jilliandroid reminds me of someone else with lots of similarities–trying to save the world, resembles or hangs out with manlike cyborgs…

Bullets

Words

Last week’s show was so darned motivational, I even went to the gym. I didn’t go in because there were no close parking spots, but I sure felt better. This week, our favorite little droid travels all the way across town to Cambridge, MA. Which is less than 30 miles away from last week’s family. WTH, NBC? Does Jilliandroid carry too much eyebrow wax in her baggage to pay for flights?

Oh, Eye see…

Anyway, this week’s family is The Joneses: Mom, Debra; daughter, Isabella (Izzy) who is 12; and son, Jordan who is 10. And…here…comes…the…sad…part…We can’t get through the show without going through some pain, so it’s best just to get it out. Kind of like plucking undies out of your butt–it’s not pretty, but it makes you feel better when you’re done. It seems that Deb’s husband, Gary, died 5 1/2 years ago of a sudden heart attack while at a marriage counselor’s office. And the family has been going down the proverbial toilet, various snack cakes in hand, ever since. Whew…Okay, I feel better.

Meet the Jones. Sans Davey.

Deb goes to the show’s doctor, named Dr. Van Herle who gives her the bad news. Overweight, diabetic and sorely in need of a make-over. She’s not as bad as some other doctors…

Not Dr. Van Herle

Then comes the fake scene where Jilliandroid calls the family to announce she’s moving in and they hilariously let it go to voicemail. LOL. Totally what I would do also…

Why, yes, my refrigerator IS running…why???

Son Jordan (no one’s dumbass), finally picks up the phone and Jilliandroid tells him the awesome, great, happy, scarier-than-shit news that she’s moving in and right now the family needs to meet her at the Sports’ Center. Deb’s all, “Which Sports Center?” because apparently, she belongs to several. They put on their best work out clothes, which apparently means black dress socks with tennis shoes.

No real plans to sweat here.

They go to a large indoor football field, where they line up looking like they’re waiting for the firing squad. And in runs Jilliandroid! Then they precede to kick the ass of an NFL team. Yay, Joneses!

GO RAMSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Okay, not really. Jillian runs in and immediately starts making them do jumping jacks and jumping rope and running and all that stuff that looks easy until you try it. Like bowling and beer bongs. Poor Deb is really struggling and tells J-droid (yep, even my fingers are lazy) she hasn’t worked out in 20 years. Her bright red face does not lie, my friends.

It was more of a purplish, reddish face…

After an excruciating first work out, J-droid gets to see another part of the huge challenge for this week–the family’s home. The outside looks innocent enough and must be sacred ground, judging from the size of the BVM on the front lawn.

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

But then they show the inside and Holy Hell..

.

Okay, not really that bad, but it’s bad. The very sad part of this is that it is evident since Gary died, Deb has pretty much thrown in the towel. And everything else she owns.

I do not make fun. I can’t afford to hoard.

After J-droid wipes the dust off Gary’s picture, she opts for a motel. That a girl, J-droid. “I’m here to be with you, every step of the way to face your challenges and your fears. Holding your hand, arms around your shoulder…I’ll be your shadow. Is that my bed? Alright—I’ll be at the Holiday Inn if you need me. Peace out, bitches!”

Two words: MINI BAR

The next morning, J-droid and Deb head back to the gym and leaves the kids alone in the Dump, Sweet, Dump. Deb works her ass off (not really–once again, it’d be a REALLY short show)

Who dat? Fame whore…Dat who..8000 empty machines and you pick that one…

Then both ladies return home to tackle the house. They work all day and all night (thanks, sun and moon shots!) and apparently the house looks much better because J-droid decides to save the $179.00+tax and stay there with the family.

In the AM, J-droid decides to talk to Izzy about her role in the family. Since her Dad died, she’s really had to step up and because of that, J-droid is concerned the child is filled with resentment.

Resentment? I have no axe to grind.

After J-droid promises to work on the mother/daughter relationship, she goes to Deb’s office because it’s apparently “Bring Your Ass-Kicking Reality Star to Work” day and Ramsey was unavailable. We get to meet her boss, Hector, who has something he wants Deb to do…

Um, yeaaaaah…I’m going to uh, need you to run a 5K….yeah….

It seems all her co-workers are training for a 5K (how convenient!) and want Deb to do it with them. Hector is also mighty proud of his own personal weight loss and wastes no time sharing that with J-Roid. Like she hasn’t seen anyone lose weight before. Nice try, Romeo. I’m more concerned about the abrupt cutting out of whomever he was with….

Van der Sloot?

After a grueling 20 minute work day, it’s back to the gym with Deb and Izzy. J-roid pushes Deb so much it upsets Izzy who yells at J-roid (careful, girl) and Deb yells that she’s fine, she doesn’t need Izzy’s protection. After an uncomfortable heart-to-heart in the gym’s bathroom, J-roid and Izzy join Deb for a quick exercise in “who should carry the weight?”. Much to the relief of the people waiting for the bathroom and Izzy, Deb realizes she’s put too much weight (LOL) on her daughter and that she needs to let her be a kid again. Awww…

To inject some fun in their lives, all three girls go to a dance class for some bonding time. Except J-roid. She claims she’s a terrible dancer and judging by the lack of camera time, methinks homegirl is telling the truth.

Hey, remember Jordan? Since Jordan’s been left out of almost every scene, J-roid decides to do something fun and active (ewww…in the same sentence?) with the whole family and she takes them canoeing. This may not bode well…

In the end, each family member states their goals. Izzy pipes up and says she wants to lose weight and both J-roid and Deb tell her to, “SIT DOWN! You’re too young to worry about the societal pressures placed on women to be skinny” Or something like that. Overall, Deb wants to lose weight, get healthy, gain self-confidence, do fun things again and try to find the family dog, last seen buried under layers of crap in their living room…

Fido? Are you in here?

Sidenote: My dog, Freakshow, totally did not appreciate that joke. She read it, shook her head, licked her privates. Thanks for the input!

J-roid makes her return 6 weeks later, just in time for the 5K run for which Deb and her co-workers have been training. She brings back a bunch of pink t-shirts with “Team Deb” on them and runs the 5K with them. Now, I’m as nice as the next girl and the next girl is a total bitch, so I’m going to take back “runs the 5K” and re-do it as “lumbers the 5K”… And to be perfectly honest, 5K’s really aren’t that hard. I mean, I don’t actually run them, more like a hurried walk and I don’t actually do all 5K at one time, (that would be ridiculous), but yes, I have done them. I’m sure I have. Beer does not come out of the fridge by itself.

Everyone has had make-overs and they all look fantastic. J-roid gives her a check for $50,000 and everyone whoops and hollers. Oh, wait, it’s Massachusetts: everyone claps and speaks loudly (with polite restraint). Deb has lost 32 pounds and she really does look happy.

Look, everybodeeee!!!! My happy parts!!!

Well done, everyone! Next week, we visit the May family….

Until then, thanks so much for reading!