Losing it with Jillian–May Day! May Day!

Hi, everyone!  Thanks again for all your comments–they warm my tiny heart… Ready to dive back in?

I was so inspired by Jilliandroid’s success with the Jones Family last week, I went to the local casino.  What?  I wore sweat pants.  Besides, J-droid said something last week about “Making your own luck” or “Bluzgirl will win a big jackpot”.  Closed captioning can be so misleading…
So, I was all revved up to meet another family yanked out of the snares of doom by our favorite android.  So, imagine my delight, shock and awe when I turned on the tube and saw that she was heading to Washington DC to whip the Obama family in shape!

“If I hear one more word about that GD vegetable garden!”

Oh, my bad.  For those of you who don’t watch the show (don’t worry, I won’t tell J-droid where you live…you know she already knows), the first twenty minutes of the show was not on the air due to President Obama’s press conference regarding the Gulf Oil Crisis.  I would give you a recap of what he said, but I took the opportunity to ice down the last of the brewskies.  I’m not making light of anything he might of said and I know we all hope for the best for our friends in the south (and the rest of the country), but I was so thirsty.  And besides, I’m sure we can all find out today a nice little recap of his plan of action somehow.  It’s called “The Internet”.

Speaking of which, luckily I was able to catch the first twenty minutes of the show on that same exact Internet and am able to give you the full dose of “Losing it with Jillian” meets the Mays’ Family.  The first exciting piece is that she is now out of Massachussetts and all the way in Bakersfield, CA.

How did she get there?  I’m thinking more this:

and less this:
Let’s meet the May Family!

Mom is Ruth, Daughters Ashley and Rachael and son, David.  Ruth has two more kids, who are either older and on their own or have something really bad to hide from Jilliandroid.  Or, the house is just not big enough for all of the neuroses.  Ruth had a great life, wonderful kids and apparently a husband who always got completely faced.

Dude is hammered.

Okay, deep breath, everyone, Ruth’s husband surprised her with a divorce, she got diagnosed with ovarian cancer and she lost her job.   Dang, I get misty when my coupons expire.  The show does not deal much at all about the ovarian cancer or the lack of a job, so I’m not sure if those were things way in the past or what.  The divorce seems to be the focus.  There is nothing not tragic enough about divorce (unless it’s Larry King), so hey, let’s stick with that serious subject.  Either way, our new buddy Ruth seems to need lots of help and as we’re getting used to on this show–so do the kids.

They go to the doctor for all the good news about obesity, health problems and what the daughters would look like if they stay on the same path.  Bad health, not reality TV…Lots of tears among the women–son David stands by looking supportive.  Apparently, he takes after nameless Dad on the health front.  Since we have no knowledge of what caused the divorce or led up to it, we can certainly not be judgmental, so for the sake of conversation, we’ll just call absent dad D-bag.  What?  This is totally a chick show anyway… And besides:
No one puts Baby Ruth in the corner.

After a good time at the medical clinic, they go back home and the call they’ve been dreading finally comes…

“The call is coming from inside the house!”

J-droid wants to meet them at the Bakersfield College Football Stadium.  Ruth, “Oh, this won’t be good.”  LOL, Ruth.  What did you think she was going to say, “Meet me at Dairy Queen”?

The first workout was a mess.  They did laps, and lifted weighted bags and the dreaded “run the stadium steps”.  They are there so long, it becomes dark.  Now, I watched this segment very closely and not one time did any of them make a trip to the concession stand.  Man, this football game sucks, but I am impressed.

As the norm with a J-droid workout, there is a lot of yelling.  Bitch could scare the weight off you, I swear.  She’s yelling at Ruth, “Which woman do you want to be?”  Ruth, God love her, gets right back in her face with “THE WOMAN WHO FINISHES IT!”.  Yay, Ruth!  All of us watching had different answers:

“A Princess!”
“Angelina Jolie when she’s not pregnant!”
“Ben and Jerry’s taste tester!”

Not so surprisingly, the girls are really struggling with the workout also.   J-droid is pushing them and screaming and hey, isn’t everyone having fun on day one?  Caller ID, people, check into it.  You could have been home, curled up with Chinese take-out, face covered in grease but happy as a clam.  We already know the girls are going to have issues because J-roid keeps screaming that they can’t give up.  I’m no expert on fitness and mental well-being (shocking, I know), but I already recognize where our favorite android will be going with this.  She’s going to suck the life out of them until they admit that they give up and that’s why they are where they are.  If I hadn’t lost all my money on the slots, I’d totally bet you on it.  Young David is way too healthy and nice so there’s no place for him on TV.  The lack of men profiled on this show so far has me wondering.  I’m suspicious by nature, so who is producing this show, exactly?  Some oddball women’s group who hates men?

Home sweet home.  J-droid decides the May house is clean enough to stay in until she looks in the kitchen and finds a dirty pan on the stove.  Ruth explains it’s left over from someone’s burrito the day before.  Seriously?  They can’t afford a microwave?  I’m getting sad again…

It’s not a pretty shot, but yes…that IS bacon grease.  Burrito, anyone?

She realizes Bed ain’t so bad, but Breakfast…not so much.  And before you can even wonder why there is so much bacon grease involved in a burrito (breakfast burrito, maybe?), J-roid orders poor David to empty out the fridge of all the processed foods.  Ruth starts getting upset, realizing J-droid is going to pitch around $500.00 worth of food and BAM!  Ruth explodes to her kids, “I buy this stuff because you like it!”  Ruth sure has swallowed a lot of anger…”along with a lot of pizzas!”…  J-roid is tossing out condiments and fruit juice and even something called Hot Pepper Jelly.  Luckily, they didn’t show too much of it going into the trash can, because that kind of devestation makes a girl like me get positively teary.  Hot Pepper Jelly…noooooooooo!

Ruth is getting angrier and angrier, but then, holy cow, J-droid decides to check out the garage.  And it’s a doozy… it looks like the storage room at Costco.  Boxes are lined up from floor to ceiling.  J-roid tries to convice Ruth that she can never be the person she wants to be if she’s hanging on to stuff from her old life.  So, it’s garage sale time!  Secretly, I believe Ruth just wants to earn some money to buy back all of her groceries.  But for whatever reason, she hesitantly agrees…

There is so much stuff packed on their driveway and some of it is just bats**t crazy stuff.  A bear costume Ruth was going to wear last year for Halloween (with the bear feet booties).  Lots of it looks like junk, but hey–one person’s trash could be Bluzgirl’s home makeover.  Apparently, J-roid promised Ruth she could go through some of the stuff before her TV whore neighbors start pawing through it all.  And of course, Ruth wants to keep everything–including a popcorn popper and some cheap ceramic jack-o-lanterns.  (What is with this women and Halloween?)  It does not go well and Ragin’ Ruth is yelling at her poor innocent neighbors who just wanted to be on TV to “TAKE IT ALL, JUST TAKE IT”.  Haha–it was probably the freakin’ welcome committee.   Or the new neighborhood watch committee.     Most of this came from J-roid not letting Ruth keep a popcorn popper.  Oh, man, I hope J-roid doesn’t see the Snoopy snowcone machine.

Sidenote:  D-Bag must have been the nana eater.  Maybe he didn’t really leave and he’s just been in the bathroom for 3 years.

Where do they live, Mexico?  What’s with all the bananas?

Ruth gets dragged in the house during the garage sale by the kids who think it’s totally okay to be on this show but have no desire to be on “Cops”.  Rachael yells at Mom, Mom yells back.  Rachael finally says, “Who cares about Dad?  Get over it.”  Just in time for Father’s Day!!

The morning after the garage sale debacle (hey, guess who’s not hosting the next block party??), Ruth is still highly upset about people having their hands on things she wanted to keep.  J-droid keeps telling her she’s not a victim and to quit acting like one.  I’m not splitting hairs, but if someone tries to take something I want to keep, I call that robbery.  (or is it burglary?).  Sorry–J-roid, you’re right.  Ahem.  Ruth continues to say she is feeling hatred.  Wow.  Save that for brussel sprouts, girl.  Those are nasty little cabbages.

Ashley decides to pipe up and cry/yell that Ruth needs to get past all this to get better.  Ruth’s comforting, “I love you more than any of that stuff in the garage” (basement, whole other story), but it’s just not enough for our girl, Ash.  She forces her Mom to admit she has to try.  And just like that…we’re back at the gym!  Now, I’m kinda thinking Ruth might be a little scary in the rage place with our girl, Jill–the workout seems a little relaxed.  J-roid’s thinking (“If I don’t back off a touch, I’m going to end up in pieces in a banana box”)

Workout?  Hell’s bells, I could do this….Sign me up!

If maybe the workout was a little light, the next news is heavy.  The kids and J-Roid decided  to sign Mom up on an online dating site and boy, is she thrilled!

How much do kids go for at garage sales?

So, the kids and J-roid help Ruth pick out a date outfit for quite possibly, some homicidal maniac who also likes bananas.  David, “Pick something dangerous.”  Oh, David, stay quiet and perfect–that’s just creepy.  Not crazy creepy, but…

Just throwing it out there.

She finds an appropriate outfit for her first date in over 30 years.  What would that be, exactly?  Box wine and KY?  But here’s what she went with:

Well, they are passion flowers

Aaaaaah!  The doorbell and in enters Bachelor #1:

Wow–a camera crew!  I love this dating site!

The dinner date seems to be going well, until he asks, “So where do you like to go eat?”  And no, she did not answer, “Everywhere”.  Sheesh…She pretty much responds all that will change now anyway.  Wow, buzzkill.  Richard (her date) should have taken her to a movie or something instead of a restaurant.  It’s like picking your date up at AA and driving to the newest martini bar.  The oddest thing about the dinner was Ruth asking if she could have Hot Pepper Jelly on the side.  Despite the awkwardness of strangers meeting and breaking bread together for the first time (with a camera crew 5 feet away), I do believe it ends well.

The next day, J-roid decides to focus on the girls (Thanks for playing, David!).  She takes them to work out and to build their confidence.  A Mr. Misty accomplishes close to the same thing, but “Gaining it with Jillian” does not play well.  Shockingly, the girls still feel like 3 or 4 days is not enough time to erase a lifetime of bad choices.  Little do they know, the right vodka does wonders…Same ol’ “Go, Rachael, Go!” and “You can do it, Ashley!” ensues…J-roid believes both girls have been giving up on life.  (“Aha!”, she said…) Rachael apparently quit nursing school…she’s happy embracing medocrity.  Personally, I love the warm arms of mediocrity.  And not everyone can be a good nurse.

There is basically a whole big bucket of deep fried co-dependency in this household, so J-roid does her best to get the girls alone, so she decides to have them jump in on the local college soccer team practice, which I’m sure the opposing team at the next game totally appreciated.

Bend it like Ashley

The girls start out trying really hard and running, but as with every challenge it seems, they start giving up.  J-roid is yelling at them constantly to keep moving and keep trying and work, work, work.  For some reason, they can’t hear a damned thing.

STFU!

She kicks the butt out of the horn blowers and asks the coach to pull her troubled players out of the game.  As she talks with each girl separately,  she realizes both girls have  trust issues that are linked directly with the divorce and would feel immense guilt leaving their Mom alone.  In the meantime, WTH is the rest of the soccer team thinking?  Their coach only talks about defense, for goodness’ sake.  J-Roid works her magic and of course, decides Ruth has to be the one to set them free.  The heart to heart between Mom and girls focuses on Ruth is okay to be alone and the kids need to live their own lives and hopefully, build up trust again.

Before we can say “fat free latte”, it’s J-roid’s last day and it’s time to set goals for the impending 8 week return visit.  Ashley is first and she says she wants to lose 40lbs.  Rachael is next and she wants to be a size 7.  Hey, Rach, who doesn’t?  Not good enough for J-roid–she wants her to shoot for being a size 6.  Ruth wants to be able to communicate better, be more sociable (“get some”) and control her anger.  Oh, and she wants to lose 20lbs.  Yeah, that’ll fly.  J-roid says, ”How about 40lbs?”  Ruth  pulls apart a throw pillow shrieking, “I will rip off your face and shit down your neck!”  Okay, not really.  Rage control–check.  Naturally, David gets no air time, so he just wants to find his Dad’s address.  These bitches are whack!

J-roid leaves and the family gets working hard on their goals.

Window treatments, another garage sale casualty

Eight weeks later, J-roid returns for the Mays Family Reunion in Pasadena.  (Massachusetts was SO last week…).  And we get to meet the rest of the Mays family or as some like to call it…

Aryan Nation

They seem like a nice bunch, but oh, no…I spot a future victim/client of J-roids who is going to have some issues of his own…

Sorry, little man, she can’t fix hairstyle abuse

The family has come from all over the country and they seem really excited and happy to see the new and improved version of the May family.  I’m not sure what kind of crazy bordello they are in, but Ashley is first to come out of the red velvet curtains.  And she really looks fantastic.

Good job, Ash!  She lost 34lbs!

Rachel is out next and she lost 30lbs!

Next up—Ragin’ Ruth!

I kid, I kid

And she did awesome!  She lost 74 freakin’ pounds!

Meanwhile, David’s division from the family is becoming strikingly more obvious.

J-roid tries to squeeze out some tears and is excited to announce what her website is going to give the family $50,000 for graduate school (Ruth), Nursing school (Rachael) and beauty school (Ashley).  Yep, son David is going to have some serious issues…But realistically, now that his sisters are kind of hot—they’ll have hotter friends.  (Oh, don’t lie—you know that’s true).

Or…maybe not

Until next week!!  Thanks so much for reading!