Losing It With Jillian–Thatsa Spicy Meatball!

***Please welcome your newest recapper to the stables! She is one of our very own long time commenters and we’re proud to have her sharpen her claws on the main page. Welcome, Bluzgirl!

Hi, everybody–I am Bluzgirl and I’m as excited as hell to talk about Losing it With Jillian! Of course, maybe I was confused about the whole “losing” it stuff, ’cause I thought it was more about losing things. Like keys. Or money. Or my virginity. That in itself is an awesome story. So although I was honored enough to share my thoughts on all that, in came the confusion…

I LOVE A GOOD MATH SHOW!

For those of you unfamiliar with Jillian (yeah, she’s like Cher/Madonna/Flipit), then why are you reading this? Get back to work! Seriously, she’s the hardass trainer from The Biggest Loser and has helped change lives! Not mine, because she’s not the girl at the Taco Bell window, but others. I swear. She now has her own show where she invades peoples’ homes, makes them miserable, and leaves a trail of wheat germ dust…All for their chance to make a change. And dang it, it’s weight/health related. When does Big Brother start? That show makes me feel good.

Anyway, she is in Wilmington, MA to stay with the Mastropiestro family. Father, Jim (or “Jimbo”–anyone know an athlete named “Jimbo”? Me neither), wife, Agnes, son, Michael and daughter Michelle. Michelle is getting married to some troll in the background in a few months and I guess that’s the motivation for this family to do something now. Jillian will stay there for a week and whip them into shape. Or just whip them. I don’t know the woman and really, who are we to judge?

POPULATION XXL

There is just something eerily familiar about ol’ Jimbo there. I just can’t think where I’ve seen him before….

Holy Crap–This guy is next to me on every flight!!

And check out the green thumb on Agnes

They start out by going to Dr.Death and she gives them the bad news. You’re going to die if you don’t get help. (Like what’s she going to say on this show? It’d be awfully short) Jimbo and Michelle both had gastric surgery (yikes). She’s doing well. He’s over 50% body fat. Now before I go any further, I think it’s completely cool for people to make a change. Hell, I switched to Bud Light from Bud just last week and I’m doing awesome, thanks for asking. My only gripe is that a week seems pretty short to change a lifestyle. I was on an antibiotic for three days and damn near went apeshit. Anyhoo, this family is ready for a change and apparently, ready for Jillian.

HI! Long time eater, first time dieter…

I love how non-actors receive phone calls on these shows and act like it’s some huge surprise. Unless those are super secret cameras in their faces they can’t see, I’m just not buying it I tell you! Jillian calls and says she’s moving in. Jimbo and Agnes took it way better than when I told my parents Vladislav was taking the top bunk. Dirty capitalists. Anyway, Jillian tells Michelle to get the family together to meet at the gym! Yay! First chance workout! I’m sure this will go well.

She will F you without a good dinner first

The workout does not go well. As expected. They run on treadmills and do push ups and pull Jillian around the gym. Jillian minus yelling is like tonic without vodka. The planets will disalign. So, Jillian pushes them very hard and Agnes (Mom) quits first. Poor thing—she really did look like she was going to collapse. Michelle and Michael (kids) start yelling at their parents that they all need to do this together. Jillian does her normal “you can do this” speech and guilts them into sticking it out. Now, keep in mind, these are people who are out of shape (yes, heavy), but they are by no means “Biggest Loser” heavy. Still, that first workout had to be a total bitch biscuit. Jimbo and Agnes vow to stick it out. Thankfully, because a twelve minute show bites it in the ratings.

The Mastrpiestros take Jillian to their home to meet Grandma, who unfortunately, got the raw deal at the local Supercuts.

Have you seen Shear Genius? It’s a marvelous show.

They start making dinner and holy cow, now this is what I’m talking about! They’re making all kinds of good ol’ fattening food. And once again, I kind of have to call foul. I mean, just because I don’t eat healthy doesn’t mean I don’t know what healthy food is. Just because I don’t eat broccoli and spinach doesn’t mean I don’t know what it looks like. (Thank you, “Top Chef”)…If I knew Jillian was coming to my house, I’d wipe out all the crap in my pantry and fridge that she would disapprove of (leaving ketchup and a really, really soft lemon) and fill it up with stuff she’d like me to eat. Then I’d scream, “Thyroid Problem! Get the hell out!” I don’t know…

They are eating my death row meal.

After watching the family fry chicken cutlets and melt a half of stick of butter on their mashed potatoes, Jillian decides she needs to talk to Michelle. They show her talking to Michelle first thing in the morning about how she’s an enabler (Yay, Michelle! Oh wait, that’s bad…) and she really needs to step up and help make a difference. So, Jillian decides to take her shopping for some healthy stuff in the house. They shop together and hang out in the produce section a lot, which is that magical place where I get my mushrooms for grilled steak. Michelle opens up just a touch about how hard she is on herself and Jillian’s eyebrows raise like all, uh huh…

But I’m distracted.

What is that? A crumb?

After all the healthy stuff is bought, Agnes and Jillian are walking and while I’m distracted by Jillian’s burn-out butt, the conversation turns deadly serious. Agnes and Jimbo lost an infant boy years ago, which caused a distance in their marriage, creating their weight and health issues. I am not going there and I feel incredibly sorry for this family. Dammit, seriousness, why must you haunt me?

Jillian encourages Agnes to take control and man, does she whip it up on her husband in the gym. Poor Jimbo has no idea what a safe word is, so she really puts it to him. Jillian jumps up and giggles in the background–which trust me, is the scariest thing you’ll ever see her do. It’s so unnatural. Like a straight guy in a cut-off t-shirt. Jillian feels confident (thanks, Stayfree!) that this family can work together to pull themselves out of that self-destructive hellhole, cheerily disguised by awesome mashed potatoes, facial crumbs and neck pillows. (“Those aren’t pillows!!!”).

After some serious conversation amongst mi familia about how things are going to change for all of them, Michelle decides the best thing to do is all go fitted for their wedding clothes. Because I know the first thing I want to do after a soul-raping session of inner feelings is to cramp my fat ass into a hot, dirty dressing room sliding too tight clothes over cottage cheese thighs and cursing the Chinese for putting the wrong sizes on everything. Don’t they know my virtual size is 2? Michelle wants her Dad to wear a tuxedo with tails which is kind of like putting the hoosier cherry on top of the proverbial redneck cake, but hey, who am I to judge? F-ing Chinese…Then this guy comes out and tells Jimbo the largest coat with tails won’t fit him until he gets rid of his moobs, I guess, because that’s what he grabs on ol’ Dad. Methinks Tuxedo Guru spends too much time around severe mannequins.

Having a full head of hair requires lots of product. Product(s) is so last..uh, I don’t know.

Agnes is adorably nervous about the Mother-of-the Bride dress, but no fear–Home Depot meets bridal shop is here to save the day!

Oh, my bad–gas line trimmers are in aisle 5

After the shopping trip from hell, which any wedding fitting is–even skinny folks (I know this–size 2 people! ), Jillian brings the family + troll in for a big ol’ group hug to talk about what they want to accomplish. I can’t even begin to tell you how scary this would be if it were my family. Mama wants to lose 30lbs by the wedding so she can look good in her mother-of-the-bride dress. I’ve never seen a good looking mother-of-the-bride dress, personally. They all look the same to me. Big flap that covers the chest, with some glittery stuff on it. Michelle wants to love herself more. *Sigh* If only that were my problem. Michael wants to lose a bunch of weight and Daddy Jimbo wants to also lose a bunch of weight and be a better father. I never really understood the correlation between heavy parents feeling like they’re not good parents. If you’re big and fat and your kids are big and fat, they won’t even care if you don’t throw the baseball around with them in the backyard. They’re too busy playing video games and eating sleeves of Thin Mints. And it is this reason (and this reason alone), I chose an alternate career to what would have been an easy highway to fame and fortune–family therapy. It just wouldn’t have been challenging enough for me. Plastics–that’s my lifeblood. Sorry–back to the show! Soon to be son-in-law troll doesn’t get any screen time on what his goals are. Besides marrying crumbface and sneaking good Italian food behind her back.

Jillian is pleased as a punching bag with the changes she’s made to this family. Once again, you cynical folks, the TV cameras HAVE NOTHING to do with it. She is going to come back in 6 weeks and check out their progress. This temporary good-bye is gooey sweet and it taught me that things aren’t always what they seem. See?

You have no idea how heavy duty that picture hanger has to be.

She arrives back in Wilmington on Michelle’s wedding day. She sits excitedly in the front row, which is completely empty but her. Thanks for RSVP-ing, bitches! Michael comes out first and dang, he does look good. He’s lost a bunch of weight and he looks really happy. Awww…Weddings always make me cry (really loudly). Mom and Dad come out and holy hosiery, Batman, they both look awesome! They both look so happy and Jillian awkwardly puts her arms around them (affection–not her forte, no way!). And here comes the blushing bride…

YIPPEE! I’M ON TV!!!!!

And they’re standing there together as Michelle (looking lovely) gets married. Bummer for close family members who got bumped out of the first row for a reality star, but hey, it was so touching.

Oh, Jillybear–always a groomsman never a bridezilla…

You will do the electric slide, bitches!

The show ends with Jillian (can someone toss me a nickname for this repressed emotions/no emotions hardass who I have a complex love/hate affection for?) congratulating the family in how far they have come and for real, they did absolutely fantastic. Check this out:

James Mastropietro 43 years old – Truck Driver – 5’10″ – 296 lbs

Lost 48 lbs

Agnes Mastropietro 45 years old – Medical Biller – 5’5″ – 261 lbs

Lost 34 lbs

Michelle Mastropietro 24 years old – Registration – 5’1″ – 133 lbs

Michael Mastropietro 20 years old – Mechanist – 5’10″ – 239 lbs

Lost 25 lbs

That is impressive. In closing. Jillian announces the show is paying for the wedding. Crowds of people glance at their warm draft beer cups, muttering “cheap asses” and the show is also paying for the honeymoon in the Bahamas (or the Carribean–sorry–I don’t remember) and everyone’s happy!

I do love a happy ending. Unless it’s “Seven”–”What’s in the box???”. That was awesome. But for a feel-good, drop-the-chicken-wing kind of show, I thought it was well done. What did you all think? Think it’ll jump the shark when hidden cameras find Jillian slurping Triple Sec from the family’s dusty liquor cabinet in the middle of the night or do you think it has staying power? I do know this. She ever comes to my front door, I’ll fetal myself faster than if it were two polite boys in suits with glossy pamphlets.

Thanks so much for reading!