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Watching “Losing it With Jillian” has inspired so much change among billions and billions and billions of people, I decided to throw caution to the wind the other night and let my hair stylist convince me to go with a drastic 2 inch haircut, versus my normal trim. I felt so free. I went to the grocery store, tossing my hair around like Mary Tyler Moore on her first day in Minneapolis. No hat required for my sexy do. I sashayed past the produce department then down the stuffing aisle, waiting to be pounced on by Tyra’s producers of “America’s Next Top Middle-Aged, Pear Shaped, Sassy-Haired Model” to no avail. When I got up this morning, I realized I was a mile away from chic and right on top of “Beach Blanket Bingo”. Transformations can be scary and wrong. And just plain deceiving.
Bluzgirl: circa yesterday
There is a point to this, trust me. This week on “Losing it with Jillian”, she heads to Motor City to live with the Franklin family! The Franklin family consists of Mom, Amy, Dad, Todd, adorable Lily (9) and Chloe (7). Sadly, the dog is never introduced.
Yep, those are Mom’s fingers…She’s twelve apparently.
We meet the family at the doctor’s office again and it’s some of the fare that has become standard on this show: Fat and unhealthy. Todd is 49% body fat. Spoiler alert: the other 51% is drama queen. He also suffers from Sleep Apnea. And he’s on the path to diabetes.
Diabetes: 5 miles ahead!
Instead of the standard phone call (“Who is this??? Jillian??? Are you why there are cameras in my kitchen??), the big plan is to lure the family away from the house (“Free doughnuts!”) and she just breaks and enters. Dang, girl, you are in Detroit, you know.
Next week: Jillian gets the cap removed from her ass
She roots through all their stuff, finding processed foods, Todd’s CPAP machine (for his apnea), a lot of horrible decorations and uh, oh….Amy’s cigarettes. Unfortunately, now I have something in common with Amy.
I like big butts and I cannot lie
Fortunately for us, she finds no KY (His & Hers), hardcore porn or assless chaps. Trust me, I’ve got the ultimate not-made-for-porn bod, but I know we’ll all rest easier if we believe these two use the “hole-in-the-sheet” method for their adult fun and/or procreation attempts. The family comes in from the fake free food ploy to find Jilliandroid lounging on their couch. She scares the crap out of the family and the youngest daughter, Chloe, looks especially frightened. As if her parents lied to her about there being no monsters under your bed. Oh, little sweet pea, the only monsters in the bedroom come later in life when you’ve drank too much Peach Schnapps and you’ve decided to settle for sex with a stranger who really doesn’t look that bad from behind. And fifty feet away. In the dark. J-droid tells the family to put on their fitness gear—they’re heading to the gym. Normally, at this point in the show, the family looks a little intimidated, but excited. Amy looks absolutely horrified—she runs upstairs to her bedroom and shuts the door on the camera, effectively shoving it out of there. Todd comes in to find out what’s going on and she tells him, “I didn’t apply!” and he said he did. Okay—stop. Whistle. Foul. I realize the “real” has been sucked out of “reality TV” for ages, but seriously? We’re supposed to believe she had no idea she was going to be on the show?? What about the fake doctor’s appointment with Dr. Death? Are there no release forms to sign? Did you really think there were free doughnuts down the street? And what about that bang up decorating job you’ve done in your home, just begging for national exposure??
I was asking myself that same damned question
Poor J-roid is feeling really unloved at this point and if I weren’t worried about her crushing my vertebrae, I’d totally hug her.
We finally make it to the gym and she starts asking Todd what he wants out of this week. Cause and Effect. I want this. And I have the lack of desire. Self sabotage. Cause and Effect. The Effects of what is caused. Standard and Poor’s. Cheese and Sausage. WTF? It doesn’t take much working out for Todd to proclaim he’s done for the day. Jillian tries to push him in to working harder and she keeps asking what he wants out of this week (he’s the one who applied, remember?) and he just keeps saying he doesn’t work well with people telling him what to do. J-roid is frustrated and she’s not even yelling! Oh, man, if there’s no yelling and spittle shooting in the gym—these workouts will be no fun to watch!
I love my workouts with Jillian
Jillian tells us Todd is begging for a fight and she won’t give it to him. She says he is completely wasting her time. Poor girl—and she’s not even doing this on her DVR. His loving, supporting wife tells Jill: “Welcome to my world.” Wow. Jake and Vienna give off better warm fuzzies than this pair. J-roid keeps asking Todd if he’s quitting. He said, “I’m not quitting, but I’m done”. Thanks for clearing that up!
Back home, they show Jillian where she’ll be sleeping. She might be better off knowing where the damned liquor cabinet is at this point. As Amy and J-roid are changing the bedding on her guest bed, Amy tells her she can’t feel her inner thighs (ohgodohgodohgod, I hope that’s from the workout) and then she yells out to Todd, “How are your thighs feeling???” Implying, of course, his should be fine since he didn’t really work out. Resentment, party of one. Amy tells J-roid that Todd is rebellious. That’s like calling a crack whore an enterprising party girl. Todd’s really kind of an A-hole.
It’s bedtime and all is quiet…(munch, munch)…everyone’s asleep…(crunch, crunch)…not even the sound of the CPAP machine (glurg, glurg)…wait a minute! Todd’s in the kitchen (with the camera crew, natch), enjoying himself a little midnight snack. Pajama-clad Jill comes down, acting all groggy. Bitch, please. No bed head and full make-up still on. She was upstairs writing in her Magical Pony Diary (“Dear Diary, Todd and Amy are both kind of jerky. Kids are nice. Dog is sweet, whatever his name is. And this morning, my chest got all warm when I looked at a picture of Taylor Lautner. What does that mean?”). She asks Todd what he’s doing. Well, Jill, I’m no Hercule Poirot, but: very large man, kitchen, and midnight. He explains that he’s doing his grazing and he does it a couple times a week (“couple”, we snort in unison). She asks what it is he eats. (“Everything!”, we howl). He points out salami (hey, now, what kind of midnight meeting is this?), and all kinds of junk food sitting around the kitchen.
Watermelon: “Whassa Matta with me?”
And then he says, and I promise on everything salty and sacred like Funyuns, “I have a self-deprecating affair with food.” Who talks like that?
What is it, 10 degrees in there?
The next day, Amy gets busted smoking. Her little girls tell Jillian on her. And another reason not to have kids. Totally joking—smoking does suck and I admire people who have either never started or have successfully quit. The girls quickly memorize their lines (you can’t tell me this part was not completely scripted) and head out to say things to Amy like, “We’re worried about you. We thought you were smart. Tobacco Use Increases the risk of infertility, stillbirth, and low birth weight.” Amy looks like she’s about ready to move on to something stronger and Jillian really pushes her to stop for her girls’ sake. She’s got one left in her pack and her brilliant idea is to bury the last one in their yard and never smoke again. And you have no way to get that last cigarette back after you’ve completely submerged it under 3 inches of soil? Riiiiiight.
As God as my witness, I will have menthol again!
The next day they head back to the gym and Jillian decides it’s probably a good idea for the couple to live work out separately. Amy tells J-droid that she’s afraid if she stands up for herself, she’ll end the marriage. Awwww…I’m such a sucker for love….
Shut up, bitch
So, Jillian decides to take her to the boxing ring and let her get some of that aggression out. Amy tells Jill that Todd’s a real challenge. Okay, let’s regroup and focus on why Todd is such a “challenge”: he pushed the family to get on the show and then immediately wanted to quit working out. He’s scared his wife into believing she can’t stand up for herself. Yep, he’s a challenge. And he really seems all about himself.
We then meet what Todd calls his important group of support. I call it a bowling league.
I like a guy in multi-colored rental shoes
Todd surrounds himself by guys who are athletic and confident and want to help him. There is no beer or nachos visible, so not only is it the worst bowling league ever, it’s the lamest support group too as all the guys are like, “Well, we want to help, but then he goes back to the way he was, so basically, f**k it.” (Paraphrased but only slightly). Jillian tells us and the guys that Todd needs to be one of them, not just their little fix-it project. Todd says he really wants to be like them, but they don’t believe them. Well, Todd, I really want to hijack that construction truck with the big arrow on the back and then aimlessly drive on the interstate for miles, changing the signal from left to right and watch the pandemonium I’ve created in the rearview mirror, but basically, I would have to learn how to drive the arrow truck. And you, Todd, need to try to change.
The next morning, Jillianroid decides to focus on Amy, so she tells Todd to go to Subway to get them all something to eat. The Subway commercial (is there a word for a commercial that’s within a story, besides product placement?) is painful. Monotone Todd: “Wow, Subway now serves breakfast.” Smile at camera. Subway employee: “Why, yes sir, we sure do.” Todd: “Gee, that’s great! I’ll have to remember that in the future.” Thanks for all this Subway!!!
Meanwhile, J-droid and Amy are cruising along in their bad hats on their way to kick some violent drug gang ass. Or to yoga class. Amy tells J-droid that yoga class is her source of support and that yoga class makes her cry. Um, Amy, you need to stay the hell away from Pilates then. And this is got to be the strangest YMCA (oh, sorry, “The Y” now). No one hugs me when I’m at the gym! Then again, I don’t get that sexy face flush from working out—just pit stains. Here everyone is all huggy and lovey.
“Jill, check out her pits!”
After yoga class and low fat, totally fulfilling, fresh fit lunch from Subway, Jillian takes the couple back to the gym and takes them straight to the boxing ring. Oh, this will go well. There’s punching and ducking and jabs and kidney punches and eye of the tigers and rabbit punches and then bam—Amy says, “If you don’t fix yourself, I’m leaving you.” Whoa….you could almost hear a chin drop. Jillian tells us that if that kind of ultimatum should be the proper kick in the butt for Todd. We’ll just assume Todd wants to stay with her and not hang out non-stop at the bowling alley.
Happier times abound as Jillian makes low-fat (yech), healthy (blech), brownies with the daughters, who have been remarkably absent from this episode apart from the occasional “Mommy’s smoking!” and “Daddy’s really unhealthy” and “Can I take Jillian to show and tell to scare the boys?”. They are having what Todd believes is just a nice family get together, but with healthy food. It’s really the weakest intervention ever seen on camera. The bartender cutting off my draft beers on dollar night is waaaaay more dramatic. Todd’s Mom, Edee, tells Todd that she doesn’t want to bury him. And I can totally see why. Dude is huge. Oh, wait, I get it now. Todd’s friends are all, “Really…call us…we’ll work out with you and go swimming and…is there more hummus?” Todd tears up because it really is all about him.
You like me, you really like me! Sheesh…
Todd follows up on his promise to invade become a part of his friends’ fitness routines. Oh, hold up…
Bain de Soleil for the San Tropez tan…
The last part of the show before the final reveal is a scene between Todd and his daughters. They play about ten seconds of soccer and then Todd tells the girls to sit down, he wants to talk to them. “Daddy, is this about the time you ate all my Easter candy?” Todd, “No, this is about me.”. “Well, is it about the time you bought us a framed picture of yourself for our birthdays?” Todd, “Nope—still about me.” He then goes on to tell the girls he needs to change for them. Little Lil’ thinks he can’t do it without Jillian. LOL, lil Lil’
For some reason, J-roid doesn’t ask the families to set goals. I would have like to have heard Amy’s: “My goal is to not pour hydrochloric acid in his CPAP.”. Todd’s would have been: “Mine would have been to learn to love myself.” And J-roid’s would have been: “My goal is to not bitch slap your pansy ass back to Tuesday.” Oh, such fun goals can be.
All kidding aside, let’s see the results…Todd’s out first (of course!) and he’s lost 33lbs…But, he hasn’t changed anything about his aggressive nature. He no longer sleeps with a machine.
Just a smaller d-bag
Amy comes out and she’s lost 17 pounds and kept off the ciggies (good girl, Ames). She says she got rid of all the toxic things in her life (coughToddcough). And she now does sleep with a machine. (hey-oh!)
You go, girl! Um, no really…GO, girl!
Jillian closes us out with a $50,000 check for the girls’ scholarship fund. She’s hoping they go far, far away…Until next week… that’s all I got….