As if we needed reminding that this was The End, the first shot of the very last Lost was of a coffin! So symbolic! So sad! So very fitting considering this show started with Daddy Issues, and now it would end with them!
So we saw each character in both worlds – Cop Sawyer and Jungle Sawyer, Surgeon Jack and Jack-is-the-new-Jacob Jack, Teabag-Wielding Ben and Bullet-Wielding Ben, etc. etc.
Desmond: Bring out yer dead!
Allman Brothers Roadie: Here’s one.
Christian: I’m not dead.
Allman Brothers Roadie: He says he’s not dead.
Desmond: Yes he is.
Christian: I’m not.
Allman Brother Roadie: He isn’t.
Desmond: Yes, but the audience doesn’t know that yet so zip it, will ya?
Kate: Who died?
Desmond: It’s a man named Christian Shephard.
Kate: Srsly? Christian Shephard? Yikes.
Desmond: Look Kate, don’t get catty just because you’re like the only character on this show without symbolic name, okay?
Kate: You breaking me out of jail and giving me this dress has been great and all, but why am I here?
Desmond: No one can tell you why you’re here. *WINK*
Kate: What do you want?
Desmond: TO LEAVE, KATE.
Kate: When do you want it?
Back in the jungle, Jack is standing in the river of Jears he has produced over 6 seasons, practicing his God voice.
“And Jack said LET THERE BE LIGHT! No, no…ahem…THE LORD IS MY JACK SHEPHARD, I SHALL NOT WANT. Hmmm. I like that.”
Sawyer: Are you alright? Last night was weird.
Jack: Yeah, I’m fine. And totally not trying to turn this water into wine.
Jack tells Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley what the haps are – basically, There is a Light That Never Goes Out at the center of the island, and Smokey’s gonna try to turn it off – literally bringing them all to The Dark Side.
The only problem is that Jacob kind of gave the Cliff Notes version of how to protect the light, so Jack doesn’t really know how to do it.
“Jacob’s worse than Yoda. Let us down, he has. Stopped must Smokey be. On this all depends. Only a fully trained Jedi Knight with the Force as his ally…”
“Can it, Chewie. I’m gonna go and help the magically delicious leprechaun bust out of that well,” then he turns to Kate and he’s like, “Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?”
Kate: I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
Sawyer: I can arrange that. You could use a good kiss.
Jack: O RLY?
Hurley and all the Skaters: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Back in the Sideways World, Team Purple Shirt makes a pit stop on their way to…wherever it is they’re going.
Hurley: Tranquilizer gun? Me and you in my Hummer, driving around? Ring any bells?
Sayid: You are crazy.
Hurley: Do I need to go find my “I Heart My Shih Tzu” shirt? Maybe you’ll flash on a dishwasher…hmmm…
It turns out they were there to pick up Charlie “My Guyliner is Not as Pretty as Richard’s” Pace for the concert. He was being amazingly douchey for someone who had like…one hit song. I wonder if the bassist from Marcy Playground was such a dick.
Anyway Hurley could care less because he was finally seeing his old BFF Charlie again, and he just wanted to hold him to his plentiful bosoms and talk about the good old days!
But Charlie didn’t remember anything, so Hurley’s all “Whoops, dart to your back!” and he knocks Charlie out, throws him into the back of his hummer, and drives off.
Kate: You don’t have to do this.
Jack: Have you ever met me, Kate? I’m the Fixiest Fixer that has ever Fixed. This is the most important fix of all. IT IS MY DESTINY TO FIX THIS, WOMAN!!! LET ME FIX THIS!!!!!!1!
Jack: …let me do this and we can make out later.
Over at the well, Ben catches Sawyer and is like, “As long as you’re watching, why don’t you join us?” and a million terrible fanfics were born!
Sawyer: So I’m guessing you need Desmond to destroy the island, sound about right?
Smokey: Well look at that! You figured out my evil scheme! How’d you do that?
Sawyer: I figured out your complicated gizmos, that’s how.
Smokey: It only took the bears 2 hours. You Candidates are a little slow on the uptake.
Sawyer: We’re not Candidates anymore. BOO YA.
At that, Sawyer popped Ben “FML” Linus in the mouth (it wouldn’t be a Lost Finale without some Ben carnage, no?) and ran back to Team Blue Shirt’s hiding spot.
Ben: hhhWhy didn’t you stop him!?
Smokey: Why doesn’t a frog bump his ass when he hops?
Smokey: I don’t give a shit about those peons, I’m sinking this island and then IIIIII’MMMM SAAAAAILING AWAAAAAAY, SET AN OPEN COURSE FOR THE VIRGIN SEEEEEAAAA.
Ben: So you’re not promoting me to Assistant Regional Manager of the island like you promised?
Smokey: I’m dropping this island like it’s hot, so unless you want to get eaten by Ezra James Sharkington, I suggest you come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me.
Desmond wakes up at Mr. and Mrs. Thurston Howell III Rose and The Nard Dog’s awesome jungle bungalow! They were the ones who helped him out of the well!
Rose gives Desmond some breakfast and is like, “Look, not to be rude, but once you’re done eating, you’ve got to go. We don’t get involved. Damn kids, with your automatic weapons and your drama and your Discmen and your Friendster. Just let us get old and grow our hair in peace, will ya?”
But within minutes Smokey’s there on the scene, threatening to cut a bitch if Desmond doesn’t come with him right now! And he says he’s going to make it HURT, which the Dude CANNOT ABIDE.
Rose: This why we stay out of this, dammit. Save the drama for your mama, Locke!
Smokey: Talk to the hand cause the face don’t want to hear it!
Rose: VINCENT, HOLD MY WEAVE!
Bernard: OH SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL.
Desmond: OCH. Ah’ll come with yoo, brothah. But only if yoo promise to nevah, EVAH hurt one hair on Rose or Bernard’s equally shaggy heads!
So Rafiki grabs his walking stick and ventures out with Smokey and Ben.
Smokey: Betcha don’t know where we’re going!
Desmond: That glowy cave of wonders?
Smokey: How did you…but you can’t…D’oh!
And then Miles found Richard! Despite being thrown across Otherville like a sexy Cuban rag doll, he seems alright, albeit a little confused.
Miles: Are you okay, bro?
Richard: TV and Film’s Ken Leung? Wow! I loved you in Keeping the Faith.
Miles: I think you hit your head pretty hard.
Richard: omg is my manscara smudged!?
They decide to go on with the blow-up-the-plane plan, since they really don’t have much else going on at the moment.
Meanwhile, Sideways Miles just happens to see Sayid out joyriding with Hurley, and as he just arrested him yesterday, he figures something’s up. He calls Detective Ford back at the office, who’s wearing some absolutely hilarious eye wear and “investigating” the answer to 6 Across.
“Go find Sun Paik and make sure that Iraqi dude with the Soul Glo doesn’t go after her again!”
Speaking of Sun Paik, she’s in the hospital recovering from being shot, and Jin’s already planning to run away from her stupid assface of a father.
Then Dr. Juliet Burke Linus Ford Shephard CARLSON walks into the room, all the Juliet fangirls freak out, and then she makes a point of noting Sun and Jin can’t speak English, yet continues speaking to them in English anyway!
So she starts giving Sun an ultrasound to check on the BAY-BEE, and as soon as she feels it, Sun flashes on that time Juliet pretended to help her but really was secretly gathering data for Benry!
But apparently Sun didn’t remember it that way, and she started crying and saying that she remembered!
And then Jin saw the BAY-BEE on the monitor, and HE started getting flashes too! And he remembered all the various times him and Sun ran towards each other in slow motion after being apart for weeks/months/years at a time! And then together they remembered Jin being left behind on the freighter, and drowing ala Jack and Rose ;_;
Conveniently they didn’t remember Jin forcing Sun to button her sweater, or that guy she was cheating on Jin with, or Jin being a hit man for her father, or that time Sun paid off Jin’s hooker mother, or all the mean shit he did to her on the island.
But it’s okay because it was so sad and cute and I mean GOD imagine remembering yourself drowning to the sad tinkly piano music! ;_;
Anyway, Sun and Jin could now magically speak non-accented English, and while Juliet was slightly taken aback by the sudden change in their speech, she was more worried that Sun might remember that time she bitch-slapped Juliet on the island, so she quickly excused herself and ran down the hall.
So Locke’s awaiting his surgery with a hair net despite his complete lack of hair!
“Listen John, did you have anything you wanted to say before your surgery, or…”
Locke: Uh, yes – try not to kill me, will ya?
Lost Writers: Hint hint.
Locke: And I hope them finding your father’s body can bring you peace.
Lost Writers: HINT HINT.
Jack: Alright then. See you on the other side.
Lost Writers: HINT!
Meanwhile, Miles and Richard are getting ready to go to Hydra Island when Miles finds Richard’s very first gray hair!!!!
Richard: YES! I never thought I’d be able to say this! I’M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!!!
Richard: I’m going to need to pick up some Just For Men on the way back to civilization, btw.
So they’re canoe-dling along the channel between islands when they hear this muffled screaming, and we’re all like, “OH LOST, OH NO YOU DIH-INT.”
FRANK!!!!!! LAPIDUS!!!!!!!! IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!
“I’m LaPenis. I’m your fire, and your desire.”
So basically Frank gets on the sexy canoe and tells Team Gray Hair Shirt that there’s no sense in blowing up the plane when he could, ya know, FLY IT HOME.
Then Smokey, Ben, and Desmond just happen to come across Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley, and we’re okay with it (because it wouldn’t be a Lost finale if the two separate groups didn’t meet up on this slanty hill to talk close to each other’s faces, no?).
Kate, who hasn’t done anything cool or badass in months, grabs a rifle and becomes the first gunman on the grassy knoll! It’s just too bad Smokey’s inside his invisible magic bulletproof Popemobile!
Locke: Wow, so you’re the new Island Bodyguard, huh? Kind of an obvious choice, don’t ya think?
Jack: I volunteered for this job. Me? Getting to save the entire world? This is like catnip to me. I go crazy for this shit.
Locke: That’s so gay. You know how I know you’re gay?
Jack: How? How do you know I’m gay?
Locke: Because you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Jack: You know how I know that you’re gay?
Jack: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
Locke: You know how I know you’re gay?
Locke: You have a rainbow bumper stick on your car that says, “I love it when balls are in my face.”
Jack: That’s gay!?
“Enough of these pleasantries, Smoke Man. It’s time for our ménage à trois with this Island’s Glowy Vagina.”
Locke: And then?
Jack: No “and then.”
After bumping into each other at the nurse’s station and doing the “Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor” thing, we finally find out that JULIET CARLSON IS THE MOTHER!!!!!!!!!! (*cue awesome dancing*)
David: Golly gee willikers Mom and Dad, you two sure are special to me.
Juliet: Father, don’t we have such a wonderful son?
Jack: And how, Mother. It’s almost as if he was too perfect to be true!
Lost Writers: *clear throats*
And then Juliet and Sawyer crossed paths for the first time and didn’t flash on each other, which gave us poor Skaters hope, but not for long.
Sawyer: Look, Doc. What Kate Does is her own business, and I know we have to make sense of What They Died For, but Dead is Dead.
Jack: Desmond…I think he is The Constant. He should have been Confirmed Dead after what Widmore did to him, but I think he’s Special.
Sawyer: This will be The Beginning of the End. It’s only The Shape of Things to Come! I know I’m supposed to just Follow the Leader, but There’s No Place Like Home. I’d rather just leave and live Happily Ever After. This Place is Death, Jack.
Jack: Desmond is One of Us, and if he’s telling The Whole Truth, if I Do nothing, at Sundown that monster is going to go Across the Sea. While dangerous, The Incident will be for The Greater Good, trust me. It’s The Cost of Living.
Sawyer: That’s a hell of a Long Con, Doc. I’d rather it be Every Man for Himself, but I’ll Follow the Leader. Namaste, Jack.
So anyway, they get to the bamboo field where the glowy cave is, and Smokey decides that only the island VIPs are allowed to go. As Jack is walking away, Hurley’s like, “I believe in you, dude,” which is freaking adorable (and for once, we feel like we might actually believe in Jack too).
Desmond tells Jack that while he’s being very noble and all, none of this matters! There’s this Super Mega Happy place where you can hang out with your loved ones and never think about this island again!
That is, unless you actually flash on said loved ones, in which case you DO remember the island, but that’s neither here nor there.
Jack tells Desmond that there are no do-overs, no shortcuts, and ALL of this matters!
Super Crazy Lost Fans: So I’m guessing the Sideways World will not be the end-all for the show…
Your Everyday Lost Fans: I am enjoying this finale so far.
The n00b Lost fans: I totally bet this is purgatory, you guys.
So it was time. Time for Desmond to find the clitoris.
So Sayid and Hurley are sitting in some Sideways back alley, and Sayid’s wondering just what the hell they are doing there.
Hurley: You’ll understand soon enough.
Sayid: Well, that would like, assume that anyone actually tells me anything. Maybe if I were in the loop I could be more helpful.
Hurley: There is no loop, Sayid.
Our big squishy marshmallow Hurley was trying to talk Sayid up a bit when Action Sayid saw some thug pushing a lady around in the alley! So he strapped on his Torcha Scrunchie and went to use his Masters from the Jack Bauer Institute for Pwnage one last time!!!!
When the damsel in distress turned around, it was Shannon!!!!!!!!!!! And even though Sayid spent his whole life in love with Nadia and like 1 month with Shannon we didn’t even care!!!!!!!
They both flashed on each other right away! And it was all making out by bonfires and translating maps! Conveniently they didn’t remember that time Ana-Lucia shot Shannon, or when Shannon tried to get Sayid to kill Locke, or all of Sayid’s torcha or Shannon’s bitching!
And Boone showed up, as ridiculously good looking as ever! His own flash must not have been about Shannon (let’s face it, he probably flashed on some pens) because he was fine to sit with Hurley and watch her have a scoop of delicious Iraqi Road ice cream.
After arriving at Hydra Island, Miles barely has enough time to tell the others that they’re flying off the island when Crazy Claire shows up, guns blazing! She tells them she doesn’t want to leave in the whiniest way possible, but Richard thinks he knows what the problem is…
“Look, Claire. Leave-in conditioner, some exfoliating cleanser, and a little lip gloss can go a long way. I’m Bringing Sexy Back, one castaway at a time.”
So they’re lowering Desmond down into the glowy light, and Jack’s making some awesome faces, and Smokey’s trying to get Jack to reminisce about the old days with the real Locke!
Smokey: Let’s have that same fight we always used to have!
Smokey: Come on, guy! I’m a man of faith! Let’s talk destiny! Backgammon and orange peels and knives and shit!
Jack: I said NO!
Smokey: Geez, throw me a frickin’ bone here.
Jack totally called Smokey out for being a poseur! And Desmond got down to the bottom of the waterfall, turned on a Mama Cass record, and the camera panned sloooooowly down the cave, just like when they first blew open the hatch.
It. Was. Awesome.