So it’s finally time for the concert! And we’re reminded that Claire is the tiniest person ever when she stands next to other grownups and/or adolescent boys.
Charlotte wakes Charlie up, who was still taking a tranquilizer gun-induced coma nap. He immediately picks up a bottle and continues doing his ridiculous “Keith Richards if he was a 1-Hit Wonder” impression.
Then Daniel meets Charlotte and he doesn’t quite flash on her, but we know he’s already sort of flashed on her before, and she seems to be into it, so we’re happy for them both and hope their own flashes don’t involve chocolate before dinner.
Things start to get crazy when everyone at Table 23 shows up, and Kate and Claire are like, “OMG MY CARJACKER/CARJACKEE BFF!?”
The concert starts and instead of playing a classical version of “You All Everybody,” Daniel and Driveshaft are playing some stupid song none of us care about, but it’s okay because Charlie sees Claire and becomes an Insta-Creeper!
Claire: Ummm…wtf…do I know that guy…
Claire: Oh no MY BAY-BEE!
Aaron: *flashes on Charlie* SOMEONE GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!
Desmond’s finally at the bottom of the waterfall, and while it looks very Indiana Jones we’re pretty sure this thing is like a Hot Tub Time Machine!
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for!!!! Desmond is convinced that if he can just wade into this pool of MAGIC LIGHT and UNPLUG the WHOLE ISLAND, he’ll be transported to the Sideways World!
BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENS!!!! AND DES STARTS BLEEDING AND GOING ALL DOCTOR MANHATTAN AND WHILE THE LADIES WOULDN’T MIND HIM WALKING AROUND NAKED AGAIN, THIS DOESN’T SEEM TO BE GOING WELL.
After the phallic thing came out of the hole, the light just kind of petered out, which also seems potentially problematic.
Desmond: NO!!!! NOOO!!!!!
Audience: NOOO!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Lost Writers: YES! YES!
Things went from sparkly like a Twilight vampire to Mount Doom in a matter of seconds, and in that moment Jack knew.
He had to come at Smokey like a mighty bazooka!!!!!
Even though the island was quickly turning into an earthquakey volcano of DOOM, pulling that plug did something else – it made Smokey mortal again! And Jack popped him in the mouth and made him bleed his own blood! ‘;dslfka’l;dskfl;’asdk
Smokey and Jack were both right! The island may be sinking, but Smokey can be killed!
This means two things: a) my Jears-sense is tingling and b) it is motherfucking GO TIME.
Smokey bashes Jack in the head with a rock and goes running, but he wasn’t going to get very far. MWA HA HA!!!!!!
Back at the concert…
Eloise: I thought I told you to knock this off.
Desmond: Yeah well you’re not the boss of me.
Eloise: And what about when they all remember?
Desmond: We’re leaving.
Eloise: Are you gonna take mah boy…right outta mah hands?
Desmond: No, I’ll leave him with you.
We wouldn’t realize this until the end, but after all that, Eloise wasn’t some creepy psychic! She just wanted to be with her son! That’s why her hair was so big, it was full of secrets!
Meanwhile, Claire has gone into full blown labor in a matter of 30 seconds, and who comes to save the day but her carjacker BFF, Kate? Good thing Claire’s wearing a mini-skirt, this kid’s about to come flying out at any moment!
So Charlie apparently walked off the stage mid-song to see what he could do to help! Kate sends him to get blankets and water, aka The Hollywood Birth Scene Dynamic Duo!
Kate tells Claire that she needs to push, and she’s saying all the exact lines from the first time Claire gave birth, and it’s all happening so fast!
And then all of the sudden it hits her! Kate flashes on Aaron’s original birth!!! CLAIRE’S VA-JAYJAY IS KATE’S CONSTANT!!!!!!!!
Conveniently Kate doesn’t remember Claire’s Squirrel Baby, or having to abandon Aaron with Claire’s mom or any of that crap, it’s only the good times! But Claire still doesn’t remember!
But then Aaron pops out and Kate hands him to Claire, and then SHE flashes, and our hearts are about to explode!
Conveniently Claire doesn’t remember that time the Others kidnapped her, or how she thought Kate kidnapped Aaron, or how she lived alone for 3 years as a jungle wench! She only remembered the good stuff! And everyone was crying and smiling and we thought we couldn’t take any more!
But before we can even yell “MERCY!!!!” CHARLIE shows up with his blanket and Claire grabs his hand and then all of the sudden HE REMEMBERS TOO!
And there are all these flashes of the fake peanut butter and him taking care of Turniphead and kissing Claire by the fire!!!!
Conveniently for them both they didn’t remember him drowning in the Looking Glass, or his drug problem, or the whole, “Oh, and Chah-lee? I don’t want my BAY-BEE hanging around LY-AHS” thing!
And now everyone remembers everyone, and everyone is bawling, including the majority of the audience. Because Babies + Best Friends + Motherhood + Long Lost Friends + Long Lost Loves = Off the charts EMO EXPLOSION.
Sidenote: I mean seriously I never cry about anything, but this made me cry so hard my nose started bleeding LOL. Yay Darlton. Chipping away at the icy hearts of snarky internet recappers everywhere.
So anyway now Kate, Claire, Charlie, and Desmond have all reached some kind of cosmic understanding with one another, although none of us have any idea what it is yet.
But it wouldn’t be a Lost finale if any of us had any idea about what was going on, right?
Back on the island, Ben gets squished under a tree because he hadn’t been injured for a few minutes, and everyone is trying to help him get free! Which is slightly surprising! But they don’t have time to debate whether or not they should save him – the island’s going all wonky!
They get on the walkie to LaPenis, who says he needs like 6 hours to get the plane working, but it’s a moo point! The island’s set on Self-Destruct and it’s going down like a fat kid in dodge ball!
And at that moment, Smokey made an absolutely crucial bad guy mistake. If he would have just climbed down the goddamn ladder when he got to the cliff’s edge, he’d be on his merry way.
But no. He had to stand there and marvel at how awesome his plan had been. Dumbass.
Jack: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKKKKKKEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Smokey: HEY, ASS-BUTT.
Audience: FINISH HIM!!!!
If Mocke would have only seen the Lion King, he’d know how this would end. IT WAS TIME FOR SOME THRILLING HEROICS.
*CUE EPIC MUSIC WITH THE CRAZY STRINGS AND POUNDY DRUMS* (i.e. Click Here and turn your sound UP!)
SO JACK DOES THE MOST BADASS THING HE’S EVER DONE AND GOES ALL CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN JACKFACE AND FLIES RIGHT AT MOCKE’S HEAD!
THE RAIN IS POUNDING DOWN ON THE TWO FIGURES, THE FIGHT BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL LITERALLY GOING ON OUT ON THE EDGE OF A GIANT CLIFF!
THE VILLAIN GRABS HIS KNIFE AND STABS, HARD, INTO OUR HERO’S GUT! A HORRIBLE SQUELCHING SOUND IS HEARD! WE THINK, “NO! THIS CANNOT BE! WE MAY NOT ALL LOVE JACK, BUT WE DON’T WANT HIM TO LOSE!”
IT ONLY TOOK SIX YEARS AND ONE HOUR TO MAKE JACK SEMI-LIKABLE. THANKS, LOST!
I MEAN THIS IS CRAZY. THIS IS LIKE THE LAST LEVEL OF MARIO BROS. WHEN THE WOODEN SHIP IS ALL SHAKING AND ALL THE CANNONBALLS ARE FLYING AT YOU AND EXPLODING!
THE VILLAIN, BELIEVING HIMSELF TO BE THE VICTOR, FLIPS THE HERO OVER, HOLDING A KNIFE TO HIS THROAT, AND MAKING THE OTHER CRUCIAL BAD GUY MISTAKE!
HE STOPS HIMSELF FROM SLASHING JACK’S THROAT JUST LONG ENOUGH TO SAY, “JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU DIED FOR NOTHING!!!!!”
AND AT THAT VERY MOMENT WE ALL DECIDED TO FORGIVE KATE AUSTEN AND HER LAMENESS OVER THE YEARS BECAUSE SHE SHOT SMOKEY RIGHT IN THE MOTHERFRAKKING BREAD BASKET!!!!!
AND JACK KICKED HIM OFF THE CLIFF, WHERE HE LANDED IN A PILE. BECAUSE ALL BAD GUYS NEED TO FALL TO THEIR DEATHS.
SEE ALSO: HANS GRUBER, GOLLUM, EMPEROR PALPATINE, ETC. ETC.
*runs around like a crazed Muppet, arms flailing above my head*
Back in the Sideways World, Jack’s neck started bleeding again IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE SMOKEY HAD CUT HIM. And that “appendix scar” was where Smokey had stabbed him!!!!!! OH EM GEE.
So Locke wakes up from his spinal surgery way too early. Jack’s trying to get him to chillax for a second, when all of the sudden Locke’s like…
“It worked! I can feel my legs! Lets cry together and get maaaarried!”
No, but seriously folks, as soon as Jack uncovered Locke’s little piggies, Locke had his own flash! And he remembered being healed by the island, and showing young boys how to throw knives, and orange peels and backgammon and all that shit!
Conveniently he didn’t remember imploding the hatch, or killing people here or there, or being an epic failure at everything, or Ben hanging him, or having a demon use him as a sock puppet, but hey that’s cool!
So now he understands, and he wants to get going ASAP, but Jack won’t let him, even though when Locke flashed, Jack actually had a teeny flash of his own! But since Jack is the most stubborn person on the planet, he represses the crap out of that memory and makes to leave.
Jack: I have to go see my son.
Locke: But you don’t have a son.
Lost Writers: Hint hint.
Locke: I hope someone does for you what you just did for me.
Lost Writers: HINT HINT.
Meanwhile, Sawyer shows up and flashes his badge at Sun and Jin, and he’s like, “I’m here to protect you Miss…Peck? Pike? P-Pake?”
They realize that while they might have had their own Enlightenment, Sawyer’s still kind of stuck in his Dark Ages. He doesn’t know who they are, or that he’s the one who helped Jin learn to say that those pants didn’t make Sun look fat.
Sun: Don’t worry about us, we’re safe.
Jin: Yeah, we’re safe, you son of a bitch.
Sun: LOL yeah, you son of a bitch.
Sawyer: Excuse me?
Jin: Just a little inside joke.
Sawyer: I love inside jokes. I hope to be part of one someday.
Lost Writers: Patience, young grasshopper.
♪♪♪ The hour’s approaching to give it your best
You’ve got to reach your prime.
That’s when you need to put yourself to the test
And show us a passage of time.
We’re gonna need a montage.
A plane fixing montage!
Show a lotta things, happening at once,
Remind everyone of what’s goin’ on.
With every shot show a little improvement,
To show it all would take too long.
That’s called a montage.
In anything, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro
You need a montage
Even Rocky had a montage.
You need a montage.
A simple little montage.
Always fade out in a montage.
If you fade out it seems like more time has passed in a montage.
Despite the whole Ding Dong the Bitch is Dead thing, the Losties still have muchas problemas going on right now. Jack’s been stabbed and even though Smokey’s dead, the island won’t stop shaking!
So Jack tells them they all have to get to Smokey’s boat and get to the other island because if he can’t plug up Mount Doom, things are going to get hinky.
Ben and Hurley say they’re staying with Jack – Ben because he wants to go down with the island, and Hurley because he’s kind of a weenie!
Sawyer: Together again, huh?
Jack: Wouldn’t miss it.
Sawyer: How we doin’?
Jack: Same as always.
Sawyer: That bad, huh?
Kate: Come with us!
Jack: No, I have a ~*Special Destiny*~!
Kate: Did I ever tell you you’re my hero? And everything I would like to be?
Kate: I can fly higher than an eagle, ’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
Jack refuses to go with them, and for one brief moment all the Skaters in the audience thought they’d finally won the Great Lost Ship War. Until…
Lost Writers: Bet ya didn’t see that one coming!
Jaters: WEEEEE ARE THE CHAMMPIONS, MY FRIIIIIENDSSSS
Skaters: Jate?????? IS FATE??????? JATE!???????????? IS FATE!???????
Jaters: AND WEEEEEEEE’LL KEEP ON FIGHTINGGGGGG TILLL THE EEEEEEENDDDDD
Skaters: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! *projectile vomiting*
Jaters: NOOOO TIME FOR LOOOOSERS CAUSE WE ARE THE CHAMPIIOOOONNSSSS
Skaters: WHYYYYYYYYYY????? *taking Silkwood showers*
Everyone Else: Oh, how nice for them.
Hurley: …I’ll be in my bunk.
Kate: I LOVE YOU ;_;
Jack: I LOVE ME TOO ;_;
Ben and Hurley began helping Jack drag his ass back to the cave, and the island is still going nuts, and things are looking really grim! So much for a Super Mega Happy Ending, amiright?
Kate: How are we gonna get down there?
Sawyer: *looks for ladder* No Stairway? Denied!
So Sawyer and Kate did the most badass thing ever, which was jump off this cliff into the ocean without any hesitation.
Skate may not be Fate after all, but to me, they’ll always be the island’s Sid and Nancy. *wails on air guitar*