“Hey Doc, you know where I could get some grub and/or make out with your ex-wife around here?”
Sawyer’s Apollo Bar gets stuck in the vending machine, and it’s only a matter of moments before a certain Leggy Blond we know comes to swap sarcastic comments with him!
Juliet: You know, if you unplug the vending machine the candy will just drop the to bottom.
Sawyer: Is that so? Or do you just want to get me in the dark?
So he unplugs the thing, and the candy falls down, and as soon as they touch they both flash!!!
Ack: They both remembered those 5 scenes they were in together last year that apparently was enough to convince half the audience that they were a happy couple and that all those years of character development between them and Kate and Jack was over in a matter of one episode!
Audience: Hey! Stop being so bitter!
Ack: I CAN’T HELP IT, I’M SORRY. ;_;
Conveniently they didn’t have enough scenes together to have any bad stuff to remember, except that time Juliet fell to her death, although she wasn’t a bad guy.
And even though I hate Sawyer and Juliet together almost as much as Jack and Kate together, that moment when they both remembered Juliet falling and they both stepped back a bit was really sad!
You know what guys, let’s all just be happy that they are happy, no matter who it is that is making them happy, okay? Okay. So they made their plans to get coffee and go Dutch and everything was hunky dory.
Back in the Sideways World, Jack finally shows up to the concert way after it’s over. Kate comes strolling up to him in porn star heels that only a man would have bought for a woman (nice, Desmond), and she wants to chat.
Jack: Do I know you?
Kate: You mean, like, in the biblical sense?
Jack: Did you steal my pen?
Kate: Is that a euphemism?
Jack: You mean like getting caught in a net?
Even though Kate grabbed his noggin and he started to have island flashes again, Jack repressed them AGAIN! Kate knew that the only way she’d get him to understand was to bring it all back to the beginning. Jack had to go see his daddy.
Grab your life jackets, people. The Jearstorm’s coming, and I can already see it starting to Jearizzle.
Hurley: You going down there is suicide, dude! The island needs you!
Jack: No, the island needs you, Hurley! I was only a temp hired to finish this project, you’re obviously the permanent Island Team Player!
Jack managed to convince Hurley to drink the magical potion and become the island guardian, even though Hurley’s puppy dog face made it super hard. Good thing Jack had just done this like 12 hours ago, he remembered exactly what to do!
Of course Ben is standing there, mumbling something about how he could have been a contender, but he gives Jack the dirty bottle to fill with dirty water to give Hurley magical powers and/or dysentery.
Even I’ll admit Jack was being really brave, although it’s too bad those tears of his didn’t have healing powers ala a phoenix because he’d have been in ship shape in no time!
Anyway, Ben and Hurley lower Jack into the bottom of Mount Doom (I mean, one does not simply walk into Mordor), and he finds Desmond laying there, screaming about how he’s not even supposed to BE here today!
Then in some kind of crazy hat-trick Jack does 3 likable things all at once! He tells Desmond to go home and be with his wife and son, he makes a funny about finally be right for once, and then he says, “I’ll see you in another life, brother,” which sounds really lame, but at this point we all just want to hug the guy!
And then Sawyer and Kate finally get to the other island, and they can hear the plane montage coming to an end, but this crazy bitch Claire is still sitting there being all pouty and wigging out!
Claire: I don’t know how to be a mother! Jack finally stopped whining, so as his sister I have to take up that duty!
Kate: Claire! For chrissakes! Your coochie is my Constant, will you please just get your tiny ass in gear!? Build yourself a bridge and get the fuck over it!
Claire: Oh, alright!
So FINALLY, they all start running for the plane, and luckily Frank, Richard, and Miles had all just faded out of the montage with enough time to notice these tiny little specs running towards them!
And thanks to that runway Kate and Sawyer helped the Others build, the plane took off, the music swelled, and the happy violins of freedom played our Losties off this goddamn island once and for all!!!!!!!
Jack’s apparently built like a brick shithouse because despite having his head bashed in with a rock, being stabbed in the side, and falling down the waterfall, he still has it in him to stick the rock back into the fiendish thingy!!!!
And after a dramatic pause, all his Jears started filling up the pool again, and Jack made the most hilarious face of all time, and we were all like, “CONGRATUWELLDONE, JACK. YOU FINALLY GOT TO BE THE HERO YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE!”
*continuing the slow clap*
Desmond got hauled back up to the top, and even though we were all happy our sexy Scot made it through this ordeal, Hurley and Ben wanted to know what the hell happened to Jack!
And so did we, come to think of it – the last time a guy fell into that light he become a pissed off pillar of smoke! Would Jack just become one giant floating Jear cloud or what!?
So back at the church where even Jesus is like “OMGWTF!?” it seems like people are gathering!
Locke: Hello, Benjamin.
Ben: Hello, John.
Locke: Are you coming inside?
Ben: I think I have some more things I need to work out first.
Locke: So you killed me, so what? I forgive you.
Ben: So what? Sew buttons! I don’t deserve what lies inside those doors yet, friend.
Locke: Well I guess fate has a “You broke it, you bought it” kind of policy.
And that’s when Locke is healed-ah by the power-ah of the Lord-ah. Or something like that.
Although he wouldn’t have even tried to walk without our little Benry, so it looks like he is getting better after all.
“So if I’m the new island Santa Clause, do you want to be my Head Elf? I know Jacob was kind of a douche to you, but I could use someone with experience.”
Ben: It would be an honor, o captain my captain. How about we start by helping Desmond go home?
Hurley: But no one can leave the island, how can we do that?
Ben: Oh, that’s just how Jacob ran things. Like you said, he was kind of a douche. You can run this chocolate factory however you want, Charlie, Hugo.
Remember that time Hurley and Ben shared a candy bar by the cabin? Well now they’re gonna share the island in an equally adorable way.
So Hurley became the best guardian the island ever had. I’d like to think he helped Desmond get home, flew Carmen and Cheech there for luaus, let the surviving Losties come and go over the years whenever they’d like, and helped all those trapped ghosts move on.
I mean, if anyone deserves to live a few thousand years and help people, I think it’s Hugo. <3
Hurley: You coming in, dude?
Ben: No, I don’t think so. Not yet.
Hurley: Okay. You know…you were a real good #2.
Ben: And you were a great #1, Hugo.
“This is where I was going to have my father’s funeral. Why are we here?”
“I’ll be waiting inside once you’re ready to leave. You’ll find your black sweat suit, purple shroud, and Nikes right inside the door. I’m sure the Kool-Aid is mixed up by now. See ya.”
And so while Jack sat there trying to make sense out of things, Kate went inside to change into something a little more comfortable less slutty.
Jack woke up in the same exact spot Jacob found Smokey’s body, but instead of turning into a cloud, Jack was still human! And alive! Barely!
Most people would have probably just stayed there and died, but Jack Shephard is apparently 2 Legit 2 Quit!
He goes into the back room of the church where his father’s body is, and we’re all kind of wondering, “WTF kind of hippie church is this, with the crosses and Stars of David and the Yin and Yang and – is that a frozen donkey wheel!?”
As this is like, the CULMINATION OF EVERYTHING, and since Daddy Jearbucks is involved, Jack performs the patented Shephard Head Squeeze®!
So he puts his hand down on the coffin and FINALLY FINALLY JACK REMEMBERS!!!!!!!
He remembers crashing on the island and saving the shit out of people all the time! He remembers Kate and saving even more people! The Lost producers must have had a really hard time trying to find that many clips of Jack actually smiling!
Conveniently Jack doesn’t remember making every huge mistake known to man, or becoming a bearded drug addict, or being a self righteous, bossy, whiny, arrogant ass to 95% of the people he came into contact with, but IT DOESN’T MATTER! You know why?
Because – BRACE YOURSELVES – JACK HAS REDEEMED HIMSELF. Shock! Horror! Etc! I mean, dude saved the world you guys. Cut him a break. ;D
SO ANYWAY, Jack finally opens the coffin and – GASP! There is no one inside! OMGWTFPOLARBEAR!?!?!?! A’S;LFK’A;SLDKF’;LKADSL;’AFKDLS;
Christian: Hey, kiddo.
Jack: I don’t understand…you DIED!
Audience: YEAH, YOU DIED!!!!!
Jack: How are you here?
Christian: How are you here?
“Uh….because…the Force is strong in my family. My father has it…I have it…and my sister has it.”
“Well…close enough. I’m dead, but you’re dead too, Jack. We all are.”
JEARSIUS MAXIMUS!!!!!! ;___________________;
Jack: Are you real?
Christian: Of course I’m real! Everything that’s happened to you is real!
Jack: They’re all dead too?
Christian: Everybody dies sometime, some before you and some waaaay after you!
Christian explains that there is no “now” where they are – they all made this place together so they could find one another. The time they spent on that island was the most important part of their lives!
And that’s when the audience started freaking out as hard as Jack! It turns out none of them could “move on” without one another because they needed each other to remember! Because no one does it alone!
JEARS IN HEAVEN ;_;
“Wunderbar! Now quit acting like a pussy and go say hi to all your little friends out there.”
So Jack finally steps out into the sanctuary and he finds all his Oceanic 815 buddies there! This is either Heaven or the most attractive AA meeting ever!
Sayid doesn’t care that Nadia’s not there, and Boone’s not mad that Shannon’s looking longingly into Sayid’s eyes!
Locke’s girlfriend Helen is nowhere to be found, but he doesn’t mind because he could totally break dance his way into heaven now that his legs are fixed!
But in case you thought that JUST MAYBE Damon and Carlton would leave us with a Super Mega Happy Ending, you were WRONG! Because Lost has always been about good AND bad, the happy AND the sad, black AND white, and of course life AND death.
What better way to end the series than one of those magical music montages in which you remember just how much you love the show?
WE WILL MISS YOU, DESMOND AND PENNEH!
WE WILL MISS YOU, CHARLIE AND AARON AND SHANNON AND CLAIRE AND SUN!
WE WILL MISS YOU, JIN, AND LIBBY, AND HURLEY!
…and meanwhile Jack is making his way back to the beginning…
WE WILL REALLY MISS YOU, SAWYER!!!!!! ;_;
WE WILL MISS YOU, KATE!
…to have the story end where the story began…
And then everyone sat down together with their significant others on the pews except for Locke and Boone but whatever…
And even though they’re all really happy to finally be together again, and to be moving on with the people that meant so much to them, we can’t help but get all Jearsy about it ;_____;
And as if we weren’t already crying hard enough, VINCENT HAS TO COME AND LAY DOWN NEXT TO JACK because Vincent was there the moment Jack woke up after the crash…
And Christian Shephard finally lives up to his ridiculously ~*symbolic*~ name by opening the doors and letting in that magic sparkly light that lives inside every one of us and also in the island’s hoo-ha…
AND THEY’RE ALL SO HAPPY BECAUSE THEY’RE FINALLY TOGETHER, EVEN THOUGH WE’RE ALL SO SAD… D:
AND JACK IS LAYING THERE ON THE GROUND WITH VINCENT, HERE AT THE END OF ALL THINGS, AND WE’RE ALL LIKE, “THAT’LL DO, PIG. THAT’LL DO…”
AND AS IF THAT WEREN’T BAD ENOUGH THE FRIGGING PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD JUST LIKE IN THE PILOT BUT IN ONE PIECE, SO WE KNOW FRANK WILL GET THEM HOME SAFE AND SOUND…
AND JACK REALIZES THAT HE ACTUALLY WAS RIGHT THIS TIME…
AND THE BRIGHT LIGHT FILLS THE CHURCH AND WE KNOW ALL OUR LOSTIES WILL REST IN PEACE…
…and Jack closes his eye and dies, the final shot of the entire series one final Jear quivering on the edge of his lashes.
Super Crazy Lost Fans: SO SIDEWAYS WORLD WAS PURGATORY!!!!!!! AGHHHH!!!!!;LA’;LSKDF;’LAKSDF;LASD
Your Everyday Lost Fans: So the Sideways World was purgatory! Neat!
The n00b Lost fans: OMG I WAS RIGHT, THE ISLAND WAS PURGATORY, YOU GUYS!!!!!
Super Crazy Lost Fans: *head desk*