This week on Lost, Ben gets revenge and a lady friend, Desmond turns himself in and breaks himself out, Jacob finally explains himself, Jack drinks the magic Kool-Aid, and we all put our trays in the upright and locked position and prepare for The End.
Jack wakes up in the Sideways World to find his neck bleeding like on the plane, and we’re all thinking, “WTF is Jack a Fangbanger or something?”
David: You’re coming to the concert tonight, right?
Jack: Totally. Is uh…your mom gonna be there?
David: Yeah, along with like every character ever.
David: Why do you care if Mom’s there?
Jack: No reason.
David: Dad, you broke up two years ago.
Jack: Well that doesn’t mean we can’t still go out, does it?
David: Well, it does actually. That’s what breaking up is.
And then Jack and David did that thing where they make the same exact facial expression!
Then we remember Claire, her wig, and the beach ball she’s hiding under her shirt are staying with Jack now! The new fam shares a bowl of Super Colon Blow while exchanging awkward glances and funny drunk Christian stories.
And speak of the devil, the phone rings and it’s “Oceanic Airlines” calling to tell Jack they found his father’s coffin and it is on its way!
Desmond: Check out this wicked American accent I’ve got, brothah.
Jack: Did you just say “Brothah?”
Desmond: Focus youR eaRs on these haRd R’s I’m pRounouncing, mate.
Jack: Did you just say “Mate?”
Desmond: Aye…aye…I MEAN NO WAY, JOSE.
So in case you didn’t remember, this one time, at band camp in the Pilot, Kate sewed Jack up on the beach. And now Jack is returning the favor by sewing up Kate’s gunshot wound (which made all the Jaters’ hearts go all aflutter), although where the hell he found a needle is beyond me.
“Sun and Jin have a daughter, you know. Her name is Ji Yeon. Jin never even met her. And now she’s an orphan. They did this to them. You know what we have to do, Jack.”
Jack: I know. We have to kill the Lost writers.
Lost Writers: What did he just say?
Jack: You heard me, Kwon killers.
So Kate goes and rests her head on Sawyer’s shoulder (which made all the Skaters’ hearts go all aflutter), and everyone is just SO SAD and we know exactly how they feel because we’ve all felt the same way all week! ;_;
Anyway, they decide to go find Desmond since apparently he’s the island’s Game Genie or something.
Back in the Sideways World, Road Rage!Desmond is back at Locke’s school, and we’re wondering if he really has it in him to run him over AGAIN, when Ben (who we almost don’t recognize without his usual bloodied face) shows up and tries to make a citizens’ arrest! LOL!
Since Sideways Ben couldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight, Desmond kicks his ass! And Ben’s all, “Who are you!?”
And that’s when he gets his own little flash of the other world, only instead of it being something adorable and lovey…
Desmond: YOO SHOT ME RIGHT IN THA GROCERIES AND THEN TRIED TO SHOOT MAH WIFE, MISTER FANCYPANTS!
Ben: It’s Doctor Fancypants, actually.
Anyway, Desmond told Ben he wasn’t trying to hurt Locke, he was trying to help him let go! And then Desmond tossed Ben aside, and he was much more recognizable now because he has red on him.
Finally, we get to see what Team Bichard is up to…
Ben: Yes, I know which way I’m going. I’ve lived here a long time.
Miles: Yeah but I lived here 30 years before you, actually.
Ben: I was living here then too, jackass. I was the sandwich boy, remember?
Miles senses a great disturbance in The Force, and it turns out that his internal EMF reader is picking up on Alex’s body, which Richard buried under a picket fence.
Audience: Aw, that was sad, when Alex died.
Lost Writers: Just wanted to remind you. No reason in particular.
Ben: To the Batcave!
So Ben leads Richard and Miles into his super secret lair, and he explains that while he used to think he was a Real Boy, it turns out he was just Geppetto’s Smokey’s puppet all along!
The island’s infinite supply of explosives comes in handy yet again because Team Bichard wants to blow up the plane, and they opt for the Adam Savage/Jamie Hyneman “Let’s make this explosion unnecessarily ginormous” plan!
But of course, of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, Poor Man’s Tina Fey just happens to be going through Benry’s cabinets at that very same moment!
“Ben! Richard! Korean Ghostbuster! Wazzzuuuuuuuup!?”
Ben: What the what!? Charles!?
Richard: 1999 called, they want their joke back.
Miles: I’m from ENCINO, godammit!
Ben: How did you get here, Charles? I thought you could never find your way back. Jacob promised me that…
Widmore: *slow clap* Little Benry, always so unprepared. Jacob personally invited me back here himself. And you can’t kill me because I’m a special snowflake and you’ll die without my help. Not only that, I’ve had that plane rigged to explode since you were in short pants. Face it Benjamin, I’m the island expert in this scenario.
Ben: *slower clap* Nice cutting observation, Charles. What you don’t know about this island could fill a volcano. Before we continue with this charade, let’s try to keep in mind what’s really important here. The island. And its inhabitants. And keeping them safe.
Widmore: *even slower clap* Quite a performance, Benjamin. Quite a performance indeed. I…
But before Ben could come back with an even slower clap, Tina Fey calls in to tell them that Smokey’s about to break up this little meeting of Snarkotics Anonymous.
Widmore says he needs to hide, Miles says he’s getting the eff out of Otherville, Richard says he’ll try and talk to Mocke to stall, but Ben is all, “Stick a fork in me, I’m done.” He says he’s just going to let himself get Smoked!
“This could just be my concussion talking, but I swear when that guy punched me I got a flash of a world in which I was a nefarious supervillain with an army of goons at my disposal and an impeccable fashion sense. And he said that he wasn’t trying to hurt you, he was trying to help you let go.”
*thinks about own vision, in which a nefarious supervillain with an army of goons and impeccable fashion sense used him and then strung him up to die in a motel room*
Locke: That’s an odd coincidence.
Ben: What, does that ring any bells?
Locke: You could say that…
Miles is getting gussied up to go to the concert at his dad’s museum, which just happens to be the same concert Jack and David are going to, and we start to realize that David was right – everyone EVER is going to be at this thing. I bet Vincent’s going to be in the background playing the cowbell or something.
“Well, you caught me, coppers. I confess. I just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he’s dead.”
Sawyer: Oh really?
Desmond: Yah, really. Also, I shot the sheriff. But I didn’t shoot the deputy.
Sawyer: Is that so?
Desmond: Mm hmm. And um…I shot a man in Reno once just to watch him die.
Sawyer: You’ve been busy.
Desmond: I know, right? I guess you could say I fought the law, but the law won.
“Also, I ran over a cripple and beat up a nerd.”
So of course Sawyer throws Desmond in a holding cell, and who is there but our two favorite curly-haired career criminals Sayid and Kate?
Meanwhile, Team Blue Shirts are making their way to Desmond’s well when we notice Sawyer’s brow has become very slightly unfurrowed, which means he is totally sad right now. He is blaming himself for Sayid, Sun, and Jin’s watery demise!
“Don’t worry, Sawyer. As someone who has made countless mistakes in the past, you have nothing to worry about. Just find a nuke, detonate it, turn back time and you’ll be right as rain.”
Tween Jacob: Is that a pouch full of ashes in your pocket, or do you just have a small oddly-shaped penis?
Hurley: What the…hey why are you wearing a hoodie? Aren’t you a ghost? Shouldn’t you be wearing old timey clothes?
But Little Jacob doesn’t answer because Hurley chases him right into the actual Jacob, which is crazy because how can someone be two different ghosts at once?
Hurley: Where have you been!?
Jacob: UH, DEAD?
Hurley: Oh, right.
Jacob: I tossed my ashes into the fire. When the fire goes out you’ll never see me again.
Hurley: Well that’s convenient.
Jacob: Just go get your posse so they can have one last rap session with Jam Master Jake.
Hurley: But how come?
Jacob: We’re very close to The End, Hugo.
Audience: *lol future episode title*…but srsly, don’t remind us
Richard: Hey Smokey, let’s work it out!
Before we even see Richard land or hear him scream or anything, Mocke comes strolling around the corner like nothing happened and sits next to Ben, who is obviously about to crap his pants.
Mocke: I need you to kill some people for me.
Ben: And hhhwhy would I do that?
Mocke: One, because once I leave you can have this island all to yourself. Two, because I’m a monster and I scare the hell out of you. Three, because it’s our destiny to join up, I mean hello? Team Purple Shirts?
Ben: *looks down* Well. Would you look at that. Alright. I’ll play your game, you rogue.
Mocke: Excellent. Now tell me – where is Sam Eagle hiding out?
Ben: He’s Trapped in the Closet.
Alex: OH EM GEE Dr. Linus why would anyone want to hurt you? You’re like the nicest guy ever except for that time last week you tried to blackmail your boss out of his job!
Ben: I know, right??
Alex: Come over for dinner tonight! My mom is a great cook and not crazy!
“YES DR. LINUS PLEASE JOIN US OR ELSE WE’LL HAVE TO KIDNAP YOU AND STRAP YOU TO AN ELECTRIFIED BED FRAME AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!”
So after a lovely dinner of mangoes and boar meat, Ben asks Danielle about Alex’s dad, and it turns out he’s been dead for like a million years, and I’m guessing his death had nothing to do with The Sickness.
Danielle tells Ben that Alex is probably so attached to him because he’s the closest thing she’s ever had to a father, which is adorable but also really sad for Alex, amiright?
Anyway Ben hears this and gets all verklempt and cries a couple Bears because that is pretty damn cute, you have to admit. I mean you just want to give him a Hurley hug right then, which doesn’t happen often with Benry!
Danielle: Are you…crying?
Ben: Oh, I’m not crying. I’ve just been cutting onions. I’m making lasagna…for one.
Danielle: How about making some lasagna for two next time? *WINK* Now let me show you Montand’s arm here on the mantle…
And while we’re very happy that Ben is finally going to have his own little family now (and finally lose the big V, right?), we really hope Danielle doesn’t get any of her own flashes of the island and promptly decide to cut off his giblets.
Back on the island, Mocke’s about to go into Ben’s hidey hole to get Widmore and FINISH HIM, and he tells Ben to wait outside, but Ben’s all like, “No, I want to watch.” Apparently joining forces with Mr. Evil Incarnate has brought out the psychopath in our little Benry once again! *throws confetti*
So Widmore and Tina Fey are standing there in the dark…
“Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some shit is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, there’s a Smoke Monster”
“Shit think, shit think, shit quick, put me in the closet”
And now I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy ass up out this house”
Team Purple gets into the closet, Ben mumbles a little “Sorry Charlie” and Smokey immediately kills Tina Fey, which is a moment I loved so much that I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant!
Mocke: Spill the beans or I’ll make my first off-island order of business killing your daughter.
Audience: OMG LEAVE PENNY ALONE, PLZ.
Widmore: I brought Desmond here to take you down! Take you down to Chinatown!
But Smokey scared Widmore enough that he started whispering exactly what the deal with Desmond was…
THAT IS UNTIL BEN WHIPPED OUT A GUN AND SHOT HIM 3 TIMES. *cue “Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta”*
Ben: BOOM. LINUSED. He doesn’t get to save his daughter.
Audience: Benry was emo at that fence outside so this is relevant.
Mocke: He already told me everything I needed to know, btw.
Ben: Did you say there were some other people you needed to kill?
Mocke: Ooooh, I like the cut of your jib, mister.
Audience: But how come Ben didn’t just pop a cap in Widmore’s ass that night he broke into his penthouse?
Lost Writers: Every question you ask will just lead to another…
Audience: YEAH, YEAH.
So Kate, Jack, Sawyer, and Hurley all show up for this powwow with Jacob, and surprise! They can see him! Which is a good thing considering he’s like, “Sit your tushes down, we’re running out of time and I’ve got 4 interviews to get through here.”
Kate: Are you the one who wrote our names on the wall? Are you the reason everyone is dead?
Jacob: Sit down and I’ll tell you What They Died For.
Audience: *lol penultimate episode title*
“Mr. Locke, did you come in here for any particular reason, or…”
“Yes…Dr. Shephard, you were on the same plane as me last week, and you offered to help me, but I said no. Then I get run down by a crazy Scottish man a few days later and end up on your operating table.”
“Well, I am the only surgeon in the only hospital in ALL of LA. Apparently.”
“Last time I saw you, you said you wanted to help me let go. Then this Scottish man said the same thing to my sweater-vested colleague. So now I’m starting to think that you fixing me is my DESTINY.”
And Jack is like, “I’m not one to turn down a good fixer-upper, and I’d love to make you fitter, happier, more productive, etc., but don’t mistake coincidence for fate.”
And Mr. Eko’s like, “Hey, isn’t that my line?”
But Locke doesn’t care whose line it is – he wants the surgery! And in that moment we realized that Locke will always be creepy when he smiles now that we’ve seen him as Smokey!
“…So when you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you. Any other questions?”
“Yeah, what the hell are we doing here?”
“Well, a few millennia ago, I made a huge mistake and turned my brother into a Smoke Monster. Ever since then, he’s been trying to kill me, and I knew the day would come when I’d need to find my replacement. So I thought, who can I trust to run the island when I leave and take care of the polar bears for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that’s why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious island secrets.”
“So that’s why you sent out the golden tickets?”
“I didn’t send out any golden tickets, dumbass! And I obviously couldn’t deal with kids, either. So I found a bunch of pissed off, screwed up, lonely people who really had nothing better to do, and I dragged all your asses here. There is a light that never goes out at the center of the island – one of you needs to protect it from my brother, and you have to decide which one’s doing it RIGHT NOW. No pressure or anything.”
Jack: Put me in, coach! I’m ready for this! It is my fate! It is my destiny! I always knew I was a Chosen One! I will do the shit out of this job!
Jacob: Is that a threat?
Jack: No. It’s a promise.
Jacob: *high five*
Between Jears, Jack’s like, “Now listen, friends. No one dramatically try and stop me from doing this or anything.”
Everyone Else: *crickets*
Everyone Else: Good luck there, buddy.
So Jack and Jacob go down to this stream, and Jack pulls out a cup from I’m guessing the same place he got a needle to stitch up Kate, and Jacob says some voodoo stuff over it like his mom did last week.
Jacob: Okay, so repeat after me. I, Jack Shephard…
Jack: I, Jack Shephard…
Jacob: Am sofa king…
Jack: Am sofa king…
Jacob: We tall did.
Jack: We tall – heyyy wait a minute you’re just fucking with me, aren’t you?
“LOL yeah, you don’t actually have to say anything – just drink this stuff and you’re good to go.”
Jack asked how long he’d have to do this gig, and Jacob said, “As long as you can – or until May 23rd, whichever comes first.” So he drank the magic potion!
Jacob: Now you are like me.
Jacob: Wanna make out?
Back in Sideways World, Kate, Sayid, and Desmond are all about to get transported to the prison.
Kate: Come on, I’m innocent. You let me out of here and it will be worth your trouble.
Sawyer: No thanks.
Kate: I’m very discreet…but I’ll haunt your dreams.
Sawyer: You’re hot, and I appreciate the sentiment, but no.
Audience: Swing and a miss!
“So, do you guys want to go to an awesome concert in a museum tonight instead of jail? Everyone who is anyone is going to be there.”
Sayid: Will TV and Film’s Fisher Stevens be there?
Desmond: Will he be there? Dude’s my DRIVER!
Sayid: Then yeah, I’m totally in.
Desmond: How about you, Freckles?
Kate: Will there be punch and pie?
Kate: Sweet ass, okay I’m in!
The police van stops and it’s Ana-Lucia, and she’s just as ornery as ever! Not only is she still obviously a bitch in the Sideways World, she’s also totally corrupt! I guess it’s not all lollipops and teddy bears in the Sideways World after all, huh?
Anyway, Hurley pulls up with a giant wad of cash to pay off Ana-Lucia, and Hurley’s all, “Oh hey sorry about that time Michael killed you,” which means he totally remembers way more from the island than just Libby!
But according to Desmond, Ana-Lucia isn’t “ready” whatever that means. Not that we wanted her to come anyway. Ugh.
So Desmond sends Sayid to go with Hurley somewhere, and he tells Kate she’s with him, and he gives her this dress to wear to the concert (that I’m sure is exactly her size – way to be psychic, Des!).
Even though she doesn’t quite understand what the frak is going on, neither do we, so it’s all cool. All we have to know is the board is being set for the big finale! *sob*
Finally, Ben and Locke find the well Desmond was supposedly in…
Ben: ECHO! Echo! echo!
Mocke: No no, Eko wasn’t down there, it was Desmond!
Ben: Yeah, but…oh, nevermind. Are you totally pissed now?
Mocke: No, I’m not. Widmore told me that if this island is like the hatch, then Desmond is like the fail safe key that he turned back in Season 2.
Mocke: He’s the key to all of this. I’m going to find him, and when I do he’s going to help me do the thing I could never do myself.
Ben: Get over your mommy issues?
Mocke: No! Destroy the island!
And then the two of them laughed maniacally together long into the night. Because that’s how bad guys roll.