Lost: Water Logged

This week on Lost, Jack can’t stop fixing Locke, Christian Shephard’s kids start bonding, Sawyer’s cunning plan of escape totally doesn’t work, and thanks to Smokey’s penchant for explosives, the death toll quickly rises.

“Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!”

Locke: Wait…I know you.

Jack: Right, we were on the same fli…

Locke: You’re that Party of Five guy!

Jack: No no, you must be mistaken.

Locke: But…but I could swear you’re him. You look just like him.

Jack: …

Locke: …

Jack: *clears throat awkwardly*

Locke: Wrong Sideways World?

Jack: Wrong Sideways World.

Locke: I’m in the hospital? Hey, wha happened?

Jack: Someone with Anti-Locke Brakes seems to have run you down in a parking lot. The bad news is you’re paralyzed from the waist down. The good news is you were totally already like that when you came here.

Locke: Well I’d say thanks right about now but somehow I feel like you’re not quite done trying to fix me.

Jack: So I think you’re a Candidate for this crazy new surgery that lets people with your kind of injury magically walk again!

Audience: *lol way early episode title*

And Locke’s like, “Oh…no thanks. I’ve got my wheelchair. It’s the best thing since legs.” And we’re all thinking Wow that’s what I thought he’d say except the total opposite!

And before Jack could even get out the words, “I’m a fixer, let me FIX YOU” Helen was up in his grill giving him hugs and stuff! Lucky for Locke, Helen’s not some hot Italian chick or else Jack would probably be making out with her in the parking garage by the commercial break.

***

“My dear guest, I am Mr. Jarrah, your host. Welcome to Fantasy Hydra Island.”

Jack: Why are we over here?

Sayid: To find ze plane, ze plane!

Ack’s Readers Born in the 90′s: I don’t know what that means.

***

Meanwhile, Widmore’s annoying lackies order Team Sawyer into the polar bear cages, but Sawyer’s not having it and he pulls a gun on Neville Longbottom! But Widmore puts the kibosh on any kind of resistance when he holds a gun to Kate’s head.

Widmore: I have a list of names, and Austen’s not one of them. It doesn’t matter to me if she lives or dies!

Audience: Welcome to our world.

But since Sawyer likes Kate more than most of us do, he gives in and everyone gets thrown into the cage.

Widmore: This is for your own good. It’s going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

Everyone in the Cage: Great. You’re the like abusive dad I ALREADY HAD.

***

So now Jack’s got it in his head that for whatever reason he needs to find out what caused Locke’s original spinal injury, so he goes snooping around at a dentist’s office…

“Dr. Nadler? I’m Dr. Jack Shephard, I’m here to…”

Bernard: Pork my wife? Yeah. I know. You made it pretty damn clear on the plane when you were undressing her with your eyes.

Jack: Uhhh…I’m not sure what you think happened on that plane, but…

Bernard: Deny it all you want, doc. But I know what a hot piece of tail my Rose is. She’s a babe. If she was president, she’d be Baberham Lincoln.

Jack: I have absolutely NO idea what you’re referring to. I was definitely not hitting on your wife. No way.

Bernard: Methinks thou dost protest too much.

“Look, I’m really here to ask you about a patient named John Locke you had a few years ago. I’m showing a ridiculous/creepy amount of interest in him, and I’ll bet anything you’ll remember right off the top of your head all the details of his case from 3 years ago.”

“Ah yes, John Locke. Suffered from a case of Spontaneous Dental Hydroplosion after an accident if memory serves. Here’s the name and A/S/L of the other man in the crash, I hope it helps. Finally all that time I spent memorizing my patients’ records came in handy.”

Jack: Thanks for your help. And say hi to Rose for me. After all, I do like my women like I like my coffee. Strong. Black. And proud.

Bernard: I knew it!

***

Mocke: Let’s go save some people!

Jack: Why should I trust you?

Mocke: Look, I am out here for YOU. You don’t know what it’s like to be ME out here for YOU. It’s an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege I will never fully tell you about, okay??

Jack: …

Mocke: Help me help you. Help me help you. HELP ME HELP YOU!!!

Jack: You are hanging on by a very thin thread. And I dig that about you. Alright, I’m in!

Mocke: Great! BTW I could kill you all at any time. Just give me a good reason and you’re dead meat.

Jack: Well, now I really feel like trusting you.

***

Back in the cages, Kate’s all, “Widmore would have never killed me, I’m Kate Austen. I’m integral to the plot and stuff!” but Sawyer oh-so gently breaks it to her that while her name was on that cave with the others, it was crossed out, and therefore Widmore could give a flying frak if she survives the night!

“So I was thinking, possible last night on earth…you…me…polar bear cages…maybe we could…ya know…nudge nudge, wink wink, how’s your father?”

“Well, if you insist…I want to cry so bad, but I don’t think I can spare the moisture.”

Jin: You know what would be really weird? If during this scene we spoke to each other in English.

Sun: Seriously!

Jin: Our daughter is adorable, I can’t wait to finally meet her!

Sun: I have your wedding ring that magically never fell out of my pocket despite all the adventures I’ve been having!

Jin: I am the luckiest man alive! This really must be too good to be true!

Sun: I am so glad the writers finally have us in the same place at the same time! I’ve never been happier!

Audience: Ahhh finally!!! We feel so much better!

Lost Writers: Well this is awkward…

But before we had a chance to ask the writers what the problem was, an angry Dot Matrix-sounding mofo was flying through the jungle, totally annihilating everyone it came into contact with!

Including Neville Longbottom, who went down like a sack full of Mimulus Mimbletonia! Kate saw he had the key to the cage on his belt, and so she did a dramatic reenactment of that scene from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride!

But it really wasn’t necessary because Jack was there with Smokey, although he sadly didn’t ride him in waving a cowboy hat over his head.

Kate: What are you doing here??

Jack: I’m with him! *points to Smokey*

Kate: You’re with – what!? What a sell out!

Jack: I didn’t sell out Kate, I bought in!

Later on Iraqi Eeyore meets up with everyone in the jungle. “I know you want to shoot me. It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

But then Jack explains that Sayid helped them all escape from Widmore’s evil clutches! Plus, he could come in handy later on in case they needed to cash in on any of his MacGyver skills.

Jack: Like for instance, in case we need a radio fixed, or a bomb defused…

Audience: There had not be a bomb!

Lost Writers: …ahem…

***

Back in the Sideways World, Jack is following up Bernard’s lead about this Anthony Cooper guy who was in the same accident with Locke. Of course he bumps into Helen at the hospital, and she’s like, “John said he didn’t want the surgery. You already saved his life. Why can’t that be enough?”

Jack’s reply managed to encapsulate his entire character in 3 words: “It just isn’t.” He is just the fixiest fixer that has ever fixed, apparently.

And then we see Cooper, who kind of looks like if Emperor Palpatine saw a ghost, had a stroke, and got struck by lightning simultaneously! But we didn’t give a shit because that dude is the World’s Biggest Dickhead!

(Although…the thought of Sawyer finding and killing this dude is just way too pathetic.)

“Well, this visit has really helped my quest to understand what happened to Locke. Not.”

(Sidenote: We all wondered how/why Locke got along with Cooper in the Sideways World – maybe this accident of theirs happened while Cooper was conning Locke out of a kidney, in which case Locke is better off this way! But I digress…)

***

They say this cat Mocke is a bad mother-

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

I’m talkin’ ’bout Mocke.

WE CAN DIG IT!

Step 1: Deflect bullets.

Step 2: Break red blue shirt necks.

Step 3: Swipe watch off dead guy to build bomb.

Step 4: Hey wait, how did you know you’d need a watch if you hadn’t even found the C-4 yet?

Step 5: Oh Mocke, you tricksy bastard.

Step 6: Climb up ladder stolen from Gilligan’s Island set.

While it wasn’t apparently news to Smokey, that whole plane was rigged with explosives! It was no surprise he took them, considering Locke (or the evil entity posing as Locke) + C-4 = giant fucking explosions!

Eventually everyone else shows up and they don’t even get excited about the plane – they know this whole plan is probably going to go right into the shitter faster than you could even list the other umpty-ump plans they’ve had to escape this confounded island.

Mocke: Widmore’s plan was obviously to get you all into a very confined space and then blow you all to kingdom come.

Everyone Else: Oh, the horror. The horror. *yawn*

Mocke: I’m so glad I caught it in time! *thinking* My, what a capital idea. Get them all into a confined space and then explode them. Perfect!

Everyone Else: What are we gonna do?

Mocke: Well, we need to keep you safe. Die! Die you little pissants!

Everyone Else: There really only seems to be one way off this island.

Mocke: Yes, in the icy grip of Death itself! MWA HA HA!!!!!!!

“…”

DAMN! Was that out loud?? “DID I SAY DEATH? I meant…uh…to the submarine!”

Claire: Hey Big Daddy, I’m really sorry I went with them on the boat. I should have stayed with you. But they were giving me puppy dog eyes and whatnot.

Mocke: It’s alright, Clairebear. Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

Audience: Stop being so rational, it’s making it much harder to hate you!

Sawyer: I am actually plotting against Smokey. Do you want to form a secret alliance with me?

Jack: Absolutely, I do.

“I learned from Jim, if Sawyer ever asks you to accept something secret, you reply, “Absolutely, I do.”

So it was settled – Jack still didn’t want to leave the island, but he’d keep Mocke from climbing inside the sub with everyone else.

***

Locke’s doing that thing that only ever happens on TV and in movies where he’s mumbling whole sentences in his sleep. He’s all, “Push the button,” and “I wish you would have believed me,” and “Don’t tell me what I can’t fondue” and whatever!

And Jack’s sitting there staring at him, and we’re all wondering if Jack, like House, only ever has one patient at a time, amiright??

Anyway Claire shows up to chat with her newfound bro, and her ridiculously fake pregnant belly actually detracts from her ridiculously fake wig for like 5 seconds.

Jack: Our father drank himself to death in Sydney. I just flew out there last week to bring his body home.

Claire: You are never going to believe this, but…

Jack: Let me guess, you were on Oceanic flight 815?

Claire: Oh em gee, are you psychic or something??

Jack: Dammit Claire, I’m a doctor, not a psychic! But I am starting to sense a theme going on here.

Apparently Christian left Claire this music box that plays “Catch a Falling Star!” Either he was a huge Perry Como fan, or this totally means something. (After all, some other crazy jungle preggo we know had a music box that she loved, riiight?)

And then Jack and Claire did the mirror thing, which is just all the rage these days.

“Look, I know we just met, but I have a spare bedroom in my house that I’d like you to stay in. It’s really for my son, but we just recently reconciled and I don’t see that lasting very long.”

Claire: Wow. Wow. Everyone acts like Americans are so selfish, but you guys are SO NICE! I have a new carjacker BFF, that Scottish guy forced me to see his lawyer friend who told me my whole family history, and now my total stranger half-brother is asking me to move in with him. Amazing! So yes! the answer is yes, Joe. I will stay with you.

Jack: Jack. My name’s Jack.

Claire: Right, Jack. Thanks, brother. I’ll try not to let my water break on your carpet.

***

Meanwhile, the gang has found the sub, and they are ready to perform a hostile takeover. Good thing they all stopped at Guns R Us on the way, it would have sucked if they weren’t all inexplicably armed!

At first, Sawyer’s cunning escape plan seems to be working! They get people down into the sub, a couple of seamen (lol) get conked on the head and voila! The sub is theirs, and even though they’re happy their plan worked, no doubt this thing will go down in Lost cannon as the Submarine of Sorrow or something ;_;

They just don’t know it yet.

Mocke: Don’t stay behind, come with us!

Jack: No thanks.

Mocke: Do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone on this island? I want you on Team Smokey 4 lyfe!

Jack: You don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel. So long, Mocke.

Mocke: Whoever told you you had to stay here was wrong! They had no idea what they were talking about! You can’t stay here!

Jack: In the immortal words of John Locke, DON’T. TELL. ME. WHAT. I. CAN’T. DO!!!!!

And he threw him in the water!!!! But the joke is on Jack because before this outburst, Mocke switched his C-4 pack with Jack’s. UH-OH.

And then Kate got shot!!!

Half of the Audience: YAY!!!!!!

Other Half of the Audience: NOOO!!!!!!!!!

Ah yes, doctors are shooting people. Must be Tuesday.

And then Smokey proved he likes going in the water as much as my cats do! Which is to say not at all!

Everyone but Claire and Smokey are in the sub now, and Mocke picks off Widmore’s goons one by one while showing off his moobs in that soaking wet t-shirt of his.

Sawyer makes a quick decision to leave Smokey and Claire behind! Half because they are dangerous and half because staring at those moobs has him a little turned on!

So they start to dive, and at first Mocke’s acting like he still wants on, but then Claire realizes they’re leaving without them, and Mocke immediately flips and he’s like, “You don’t want to be on that sub. Bad things will go boom inside. Now let’s go for some ice cream, my treat.”

***

Down in the sub, every single character is playing the exact role we’ve all come to expect!

Kate: Where is Claire? I’M GOING BACK.

Jack: Oh no you’re not, you’ve been shot, you’re staying right here!

Kate: Okay, only if you say so Jack.

*finds bomb* “I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.”

“SON OF A BITCH.”

“DUDE. MAN? DUDE.”

*stands around and watches*

“I CAN DEFUSE THIS BOMB. MAYBE. I’m going to need a slap bracelet, some Gruyère cheese, a wheat penny, and a ball peen hammer.”

“NO. SMOKEY CAN’T KILL US, HE WANTS US TO KILL EACH OTHER. IF WE DEFUSE THIS BOMB HE WINS! DON’T YOU SEE? WE ARE PLAYING RIGHT INTO HIS PLAN, BUT IT IS OUR FATE TO MAKE IT OUT OF THIS SUBMARINE ALIVE! MAN OF SCIENCE MAN OF FAITH BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!”

Sawyer: I’M GONNA DO IT!

Jack: NO! DIDN’T YOU JUST HEAR ANYTHING I SAID??

Sawyer: HAVEN’T YOU EVER SEEN THIS SHOW?? YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND THEN I DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE!

So Sawyer pulls out the wires since no one could find any pennies or cheese, and for one brief moment we think that it actually worked!!!

BUT THEN THE THING STARTS TICKING DOWN EVEN FASTER!!!!!!!! AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Sayid: There is a well on the island. Desmond is inside. Mocke wants him dead which means you’re going to need him.

Jack: Why are you telling me this!?

Sayid: Because it’s going to be you, Jack!

Jack: WAIT WHAT!?

Audience: YEAH WAIT WHAT!?

And before we even realize what is happening, and before we have any time to even begin to think about saying our goodbyes to Sayid, who has sucked this year but we still loved him anyway, he grabs the bomb and goes running off into the other side of the sub, and explodes like a goddamn suicide bomber.

Way to perpetuate stereotypes, Lost.

JUST KIDDING, LOST. He exploded himself to save the others, which is noble and heroic and the nicest thing he’s ever done.

GOODBYE, SAYID. ;_; We’ll miss your tank tops and torcha schrunchies and creepy long nails and questionable morals and dead girlfriends and your flat-ironed flashforward hair and the way you killed bad guys with both your feet and large household appliances. SIGH.

Frank gets nailed by a door leaving us all wondering is he dead?? Is he alive?? (PSST – Listen to this week’s Official Lost Podcast for the answer!)

Anyway the bomb ripped a hole in the side of the sub, so this thing’s filling with water fast!! Hurley grabs Kate and they swim to safety!!!

But Sun is pinned to the wall!!! All the guys try and pry her free, but no dice! And then Sawyer gets smashed on the head and gets knocked out cold!!!

Jack grabs Sawyer and tries to help the Kwons, but they force him to go on without them!!! And that’s when we all started to Jear up a little ;_;

Jin: Know what would be really weird right now? If we spoke to each other in English while we both drown.

Sun: And also forget our daughter.

Jin: What daughter?

Sun: Exactly!

But Sun told him to go and save himself, and it was super sad!

But Jin told her that he was never going to leave her again!! Which was even MORE sad!!!!!!

Sun: I love you, Jack!

Jin: Don’t you do that, don’t say your goodbyes!

Sun: I’m so cold.

Jin: Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and make lots of babies, and you’re gonna watch them grow. You’re gonna die an old… an old lady warm in her bed, but not here, not this night. Not like this, do you understand me?

Sun: I can’t feel my body.

Jin: You must do me this honor, Rose. Promise me you’ll survive. That you won’t give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise.

Sun: I promise.

Jin: Never let go.

Sun: I’ll never let go. I’ll never let go, Jack!

Jack: Do you hear someone talking about us?

Rose: Oh good, you heard it too?

So despite the fans’ constant pleas, we had to go through yet ANOTHER super slo-mo underwater death scene, only this one was two people and not just one.

BRB. CRYING FOREVER. ;___________;

***

“So I know this was totally stalkery of me to do, but I talked to your dentist and your dad, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t let your daddy issues hinder your ability to let me fix you. And also walk.”

As it turns out, John “FML” Locke crashed a tiny plane a few years ago and his dad was riding with him. The accident paralyzed Locke and turned his father into Palpatine, and so as is the Lost way, he’s punishing himself for something he most likely had no control over in the first place!

Jack: Trust me, All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues, but you can’t blame yourself for The Incident. Whatever Happened, Happened! You just weren’t cut out to be a Pilot! And anyway, who cares? The Whole Truth is he was a Confidence Man and you were Left Behind to be Raised by Another. The Collision was probably for The Greater Good! It didn’t have to be The Beginning of the End. Let me do the surgery. It could really Do No Harm, and then maybe you’ll live Happily Ever After.

Locke: …no.

Jack: Some Like it Hoth?

Locke: No! You can’t handle your own daddy issues, so stay out of mine! Later, Jater.

As he rolled his way down the corridor, Locke heard Jack say, “I wish you believed me,” which reminded him of this dream he just had the other night…something about buttons, polar bears, hatches, and time travel. And for some reason…fondue.

***

So while the last of the Submarine of Sorrow sunk sadly to the ocean floor, Hurley, Kate, Jack, and Sawyer all made it to the beach relatively intact.

(Sidenote: I know a lot of people had something to say about all the minorities being killed in the sub, but seriously guys, Lost has had people of every color and race on this show over the last 6 seasons. Much more than most other shows. Don’t forget that when they happen to kill off 3 of them.)

When Kate learned about Sun and Jin’s watery demise, she started crying, which wasn’t so bad since she does it all the damn time…

But then HURLEY lost it, which NEVER happens, and so since HE was bawling, WE all started bawling!!! The snot was flying fast and loose, the tears were streaming down our faces, and for once we think, “You know, it would actually be okay if Jack cried right now!”

AND GOD SAID LET THEIR BE JEARS. AND IT WAS GOOD. Albeit hilarious considering he walked away from the group to cry the one time it was socially acceptable to cry in front of them.

But it’s aight because those were some pretty epic Jears, you guys. ;________________;

***

Oblivious as ever Claire’s like, “Big Daddy? I was promised ice cream. Let’s do this thing.”

But Mocke had to skip it for now, as much as he loved Chunky Monkey. Not only did he somehow know the sub sank, but he also knew some of the Candidates survived. And that shit just wasn’t gonna fly.