Does this really need a clever title?

I had to watch this episode three times to finally decide how I felt about it. My opinion changed each time.

First, I had fun watching, cheering the rescue and patting myself on the back for figuring out that it wasn’t a standard “flashback” thanks to Jack’s 2006 or later cellphone and some other clues.

Second time through, I was less impressed, as I focused on whiny bitch Jack and how much he annoyed me by turning into a bigger loser than he already was.

Third time, well, they say third time’s the charm. I decided that since the on island stuff was SO good and SO much fun, that the post-island snoozefest was something I could live with, since I have this sneaking suspicion that the writers and producers have plans to spin this show on it’s ear next season and the “flash-forward” is just the tip of that ear-spinning iceberg.

Oh and Charlie’s death? An excellent television moment, but really, the writers and producers need to go back to High School and take their Elementary Physics courses again. More about that to come.The finale opens with a suddenly bearded Jack on a plane. When the flight attendant shows up, Jack asks for a refill on his drink. It’s fairly obvious that he’s had enough, so she gives him a newspaper instead. There’s a bit of turbulence and for just a moment, we’re thinking…nah. Not twice in one lifetime.

(*Cameo Voice Over Sidenote: According to Lostpedia, Executive Producer Damon Lindelof has a cameo voice over appearance as the captain.*)

Something on the folded open page catches his eye and he takes a closer look.

Whatever it was that was in the article, once he’s back on the ground, he drives to a spot on a bridge, pulls over and re-reads it.

Was I the only one who wanted to slap him when he started to cry? Cowboy up for cryin’ out loud.

After his sobbing subsides, he pulls out his cellphone and makes a call, but gets voicemail. He starts to leave a message, but stops midway.

(*Timeline sidenote: I worked in cellphone repair for six years, so when Jack pulled out a KRZR, released in late 2006, it was dead obvious that this was not a flashback. Of course, continuity mistakes happen, so it took a few other clues to confirm what the cellphone’s presence suggested, but I was already thinking “flash-forward” at this point. I’m sure I wasn’t alone.*)

Instead of leaving a message, the weeping wonder gets out of his vehicle, climbs up on the bridge railing, asks forgiveness from someone (God? Jacob? Viewers who actually enjoy watching him cry?) and prepares to end it all.

Just then, the sounds of screeching tires and vehicle impact distract him from his purpose. A child screaming and the sound of flames engulfing the wreck drive him from the edge and into hero mode.

On the beach, Jack is overseeing the preparations to trek the whole camp up to the radio tower. He confirms the plan with Sayid, and Sayid reminds him that he is prepared to die if it means the group can secure rescue, but to ensure that a sacrifice like that isn’t in vain, Jack has to stick to the plan, no matter what.

Rose tries one last time to convince her husband to let someone else be the third shooter. He is committed. She makes him repeat her admonition to him.

“I am a dentist. I am not Rambo.”

My dentist could teach Rambo a thing or two about inflicting pain…

Hurley reassures Claire that Charlie will be ok, while Jin and Sun share a tearful goodbye.

“Why are you doing this?”

In his best English, Jin tells her “Because, we have to go home.”

Jack rounds up his people, leading them into the wilderness and leaving the three amigos to carry out the risky “shoot the dynamite” plan.

Oooh, El Guapo’s gonna pay!

(*Continuity sidenote: Can someone please tell me how you could set off down the beach on an island with the ocean on your right and then follow the coastline with it on your left? I guess if you cut “cross country” to the opposite side of the island, it would be possible, but since the group cuts “cross country” after this shot, I’m left scratching my head. Unless they’re traveling in a monumentally serpentine fashion, it’s quite strange.*)

Wait. Wasn’t there a Dairy Queen here?

Naomi pulls Jack aside and show him how her magic satellite radio works. Pretty simple really, not much more to it than calling for pizza. Once Charlie turns off the underwater jamming device, that is.

(*Tech Sidenote: Remember I mentioned how my old job was in the cellphone repair business? We did a lot of satellite stuff too. Trust me when I tell you that NOTHING like this little gadget existed in 2004. Even today, satellite phones require a substantial antenna extension and a clear line of sight to the sky to function. It’s pretty, it’s fancy and it’s completely bogus. Perhaps today you might be able to lay hands on something like it, but not in ’04 and even today it would have to have a big antenna on the back. IF it’s a radio, rather than satellite type device, which would make sense since Danielle’s RADIO signal seems to be blocking it, then it DEFINITELY would need some sort of antenna. By the by, how a RADIO signal sent with 1980′s analog equipment might block a satellite phone or digital radio signal is a mystery. No one I know in the industry could figure that out.*)

Speaking of Charlie, he’s getting the British Tar (Gotta love it when you can sneak a Gilbert and Sullivan reference in) beat out of him. He’s tied to a chair and the blond is beating him silly while she and the brunette question him.

There are men who pay good money for this kind of thing.

When they press him for information, he reveals that Juliette betrayed the Others and told them all about the Looking Glass and it’s jamming equipment.

I gotta say, I threw popcorn at the screen right then. It was obvious that he wasn’t “broken” but told them that tidbit just to piss them off. Putz.

The two refugees from Expose go to a side room to call their bug-eyed boss, Ben, and in the process show Charlie the blinking yellow light that Desmond mentioned when he described his “flash” of how Charlie dies this time ’round.

In his tent, Ben gets a radio call from the blond. Turns out her name is Bonnie and she’s broken radio silence to get Ben’s instructions on how to deal with the unexpected appearance of Charlie in the Looking Glass station. She tells Ben what Charlie said about Juliette betraying them. While this conversation is going on, a noticeably confused and concerned group looks on as they gather around Ben.

Ben sends a reluctant Mikhail down to the Looking Glass to assist the Razzle Dazzle Duo. Ben admits to the assembled group that he lied about the Looking Glass being inoperable and insists that Mikhail has to leave immediately. He agrees, but wonders what else Juliette might have revealed about their plans.

Ben tries to raise Ryan and his little commando unit, before they head in to snatch the pregnant women, but it’s too late. They’ve gone and turned off their walkie talkies on Ryan’s instruction. If he ever leaves the island, Ryan’s got a bright future as a theater usher…

Ever so carefully, the little unit moves in to snatch the women, unaware that they’re being watched by the three amigos. It’s all very stealthy, until one of them sees that the tents are empty. Then all hell breaks loose. Sayid shoots first, then Bernard and both are successful in making Others go “Boom”. Jin misses several times and the three men get taken prisoner after a brief firefight.

Out in the wilderness, the group hears only the two explosions and the gunfire, leaving them wondering about the fate of Athos, Porthos and Aramis.

Back in the world, Jack’s getting patched up after his midnight adventure. Sarah shows up, called by the hospital as Jack’s emergency contact. She’s visibly pregnant and none too happy to be sucked back into the black hole of despair that Jack seems to be living in. She turns him down when he asks for a ride home and leaves him to wallow in his pit of self pity.

(*Timeline Sidenote: Clues 2 and 3 that this is a flash-forward. Sarah is WAY pregnant, something we haven’t seen or heard about in previous flashbacks, AND she asks if Jack is drinking again. As far as we’ve seen, Jack didn’t have a drinking problem before their separation and his divorce was from an Unpregnant Sarah and as best we can tell, the divorce wasn’t too long before his fateful trip down under.*)

Jack has his hands full trying to convince the group to continue on to the radio tower as a group, rather than leaving a few people behind to wait for the three shooters to catch up.

“No one gets left behind.”

“If you say ‘live together, die alone’ to me, Jack, I’m gonna punch you in your face.”

Anyone else out there rooting for Rose to do just that? Come on. Just a little? I was mentally yelling “SAY IT!!!”, but, alas, he never did. Note to the producers: Have the “Rose punches Jack in his face” scene written in sometime soon. Hell, I won’t even mind if Bernard fixes his teeth after.

Eventually, he motivates the tribe to keep moving.

Down in the Looking Glass station, Bonnie continues to interrogate Charlie. She wants to know why he’s there. Once again, he obliges her with WAY too much information under the circumstances. He tells her that he’s going to turn off their jamming equipment.

“So, what’s the code?”

Turns out that our man Pace didn’t count on there being a code for turning it off. Well, Desmond did say “Flick the switch”, not “Enter the code”, so Charlie’s mistake is understandable. It seems that Desmond’s reception is a bit wonky on the details.

Charlie figures that somehow he won’t need the code. He knows that he’s supposed to drown, so he figures that the station will flood, and perhaps that’s what shuts down the equipment.

“But if this station is flooded, what happens to you?”

“I die.”

Razzle freakin’ Dazzle.

Ben gets a radio call from Tom, updating him on the failed Mommy-napping. Seven of Ben’s red shirts are dead, but they did capture the shooters. Ben wants to know where Jack’s people have gone and instructs Tom to kill Jin to force the others to talk. Before the Pillsbury Dough Other can carry out the instructions, Bernard sings like a canary. That’s the kind of coercion I’d have like to have seen break Charlie before he told the Looking Glass Les ‘b’ Friends every last detail of the plan. You can forgive a guy talking like Bernard did, given how hard it is to get brain stains out of your clothes now that the hatch washer/dryer combo is out of commission.

Bernard tells them all about the radio tower, Naomi and even Kanoeist Karl’s Kontribution. It’s obvious that Alex told Karl about the raid and that she betrayed Ben.

In daylight, Ben is plotting a course to the radio tower when Richard suggests that perhaps now isn’t a good time for Ben to leave the group. Ben wants Richard to take everyone to “The Temple” as planned.

“The Temple”? Please, please, please let it be a temple dedicated to something with four toes…

It seems that Ben’s group is starting to question all the recent events with Locke, Jacob and now the failed Mommy-napping. Ben dismisses the problem. Just then Alex comes over and asks where Ben is going. When he tells her he is going to try to find Jack and his group, she demands to come with him. Surprisingly easily, he agrees.

Richard is still not convinced that Ben’s idea is the right course of action.

“There’s forty of them, and you’re alone. They’re going to do whatever it takes to get off the island. What do you think’s gonna happen when you get there?”

“I’m gonna talk them out of it.”

Jack’s group is taking a brief rest and refilling their water supply. Kate finds Sawyer off a distance from the group and relates her concern that the three amigos should have caught up by now. Sawyer seems oddly unconcerned and nothing Kate does seems to snap him out of it.

Kate’s also got another worry.

“They sent Juliette to check out Sun, but she was there to check and see if I’m pregnant too.”

“Well, let’s hope you’re not.”

If I had a nickle…

Out in the canoe, Desmond is just coming around after the paddling he got from Charlie. Unfortunately, he has only a few seconds of consciousness before someone starts shooting at him.

It’s Bakunin!

With nowhere to hide and no way to get to cover, Desmond’s only choice is to try to swim down to the station. Keep in mind, he doesn’t have the weight belt and he has no idea if Charlie even made it, but he doesn’t have any other viable option. He follows the cable down as quickly as he’s able.

When he reaches the moon pool, he’s lucky enough to arrive while the Les b’ Friends are arguing in the next room. Charlie frantically instructs him to hide and when the gals hear him, they come running, ready to Razzle his Dazzle. He covers by pretending that he was singing. Bonnie doesn’t like his singing any more than I do, so she shuts him up with a serious backhand.

I really like her. I bet if I was a hot girl in the thrall of a wierdo cult leader, living a few fathoms below the sea, she and I would really hit it off.

Charlie’s tactic of “Annoy the angry Les b’ Friends” works well enough to distract them long enough for Desmond to hide.

Back in the world, Jack is checking the chart of the woman he pulled from the burning car. The new head surgeon, Dr. Rob Hamil, arrives and politely but firmly makes it clear that Jack isn’t going to be doing this woman’s surgery. Could it be that someone other than the twenty million viewers can see that he’s falling apart?

(*Another Flashforward Clue Sidenote: Hamil calls Jack “The Hero, twice over.” Now, he could be referencing the fact that, as he mentions later, Jack saved the child and went back for his Mother, but my Spidey sense tells me he means something else.*)

As he leaves, Jack sees a news report about the car accident.

(*Cameo Voice Over Sidenote: According to Lostpedia, Executive Producer Carlton Cuse has a cameo voice over appearance as the off screen reporter.*)

Back on the island, Jack and company continue their quest for the one ring-tone.

Please. Could this be a more obvious image?

Of course, in this case, the Ark of the Covenant contains six boxes of Dharma Oat Bars and Kate’s dirty laundry.

Sawyer announces to Jack that he’s going back and when Jack tries to object, Sawyer isn’t taking no for an answer.

“I ain’t askin’ permission.”

When Kate tries to join him, he shoots her down. Jack objects on the basis that Sawyer doesn’t have a weapon, but Juliette jumps in with the revelation that a secret stash of guns isn’t too far from the path back to camp. She offers to show Sawyer where. Could she be looking to earn the group’s trust? Or is it that she just wanted an excuse to kiss Jack goodbye in front of Kate?

He’s mine now, bitch.

In the Looking Glass, Bonnie has HAD IT with Charlie’s singing.

“Get the spear-gun.”

“What? Why?”

“Because, I want it to hurt.”

Bonnie scares me, and I think I like it.

When the “6″ to Bonnie’s “9″ won’t get the spear-gun, she heads off to get it herself. Unfortunately, it’s apparently kept in the room that Desmond chose to hide in. Charlie desperately tries to distract her, but his attempt is unnecessary, since Bakunin chooses that moment to emerge in the moon pool, drawing everyone’s attention.

“I thought you two were on assignment in Canada.”

Well, we do have some very progressive laws about same-sex marriage up here…

Apparently, Ben made them promise not to tell anyone that they were honeymooning in the Looking Glass.

Bakunin wants to know where Charlie’s friend is. The girls haven’t seen him. Charlie once again plays the “I’m the most irritating person you’ll ever meet” card and interjects that perhaps a better question to ask is why Ben has lied to the group about what’s really happening in the Looking Glass and why he’s jamming the group’s transmissions as well as those of the 815 survivors.

Bizarrely, this ruse actually works in a way. When a noise alerts the group that Ben is calling, Bakunin forgets about Charlie’s ferryman and rushes to answer the call. He and Ben really need to talk.

Despite his misgivings, he lets Ben have his say.

“Why would Jacob ask you to lie to your own people?”

“Because this island is under assault from forces stronger than anything it’s had to deal with in many, many years and we are meant to protect it Mikhail, by any means necessary. The jamming was for everyone’s security. We are in a serious situation here.”

“So why not trust me?”

“I made a mistake. I should have told you, and I apologize.”

When he knows he’s won back Bakunin’s trust, he instructs him to kill Charlie and make sure that the jamming equipment continues to work. Greta and Bonnie are also a risk now, so Bakunin needs to eliminate them as well.

“How do I know you didn’t say the same thing to them about me?”

“Because, if I had, Mikhail, you’d already be dead.”

Juliette and Sawyer are off on their rescue mission and Sawyer takes the opportunity to ASK QUESTIONS. I get all tingly whenever someone on the island has the bright idea to do that. I don’t get many tingles.

“What the hell’d you have us breaking all those rocks for anyway?”

“We’re building a runway.”

“A runway? For what?”

“The aliens.”

Gotcha! I meant Mexican immigrants.

Her smile says it all.

“I don’t know what for. Do you think they told me everything?”

Sawyer lets it go and tries a different approach.

“So, you screwin’ Jack yet?”

“No. Are you?”

Insert Brokeback Island joke here.

Third time’s the charm. Sawyer asks how far to the guns.

Sorry chum, no guns. Juliette lied. She figured it was the only way Jack would let them go back. When he asks why she’s going back, she tells him that she’s going back because of Kharma, but when she asks the question of him, he says nothing.

Just then, Hurley shows up, begging to be allowed in on the rescue plan. Sawyer cruelly sends the big man packing.

“For God sakes, Hugo, look at you. You’re just gonna get in the way. You wanna get us killed?”

Alex and Ben have a little chat about Ben’s reasons for letting her come. He’s “Delivering her to her new family”. He claims it’s because she betrayed him, but it seems to me that Ben always has a back up plan and I don’t think that his reasons are that simple.

Alex reminds him that he locked her boyfriend in a cage and then put him in a room to try to brainwash him.

“I didn’t want him to get you pregnant. I suppose I overreacted.”

Actually, Ben’s methods aren’t as extreme as some Father’s. Not a shotgun in sight.

When she asks why he won’t just let the survivors leave, his answer is typically enigmatic.

“Because I can’t, Alex.”

In the open grave, Locke is still alive, if barely. He can’t move his legs and it takes all his strength to grab a gun from one of the corpses. He plans to end the game by his own hand rather than bleed slowly and painfully to death.

But.

Walt appears. Shot at an upward angle to keep it from being too obvious that he’s now WAY bigger than when he “left” the island, Walt has some words for his friend.

(*Walt voice sidenote: Anyone else think that the digital processing they used on Malcolm David Kelley’s voice to make him sound ten again made him sound more like he’d been freebasing helium?*)

“Don’t, John. Put the gun down.”

“Walt?”

“Now get up, John.”

“He shot me and I can’t…move my legs.”

“You can move your legs. Now, get out of the ditch, John.”

“Why?”

“Because, you have work to do.”

During a brief shoe de-rocking break, Jack lets Kate know that the reason Sawyer said such nasty things to her was because he was worried about her and trying to protect her. Does that mean that Sawyer wants Hurley to have his baby?

As he saddles up, Kate asks why Jack would stand up for Sawyer.

“Because, I love you.”

Yeah, that made sense. I’m sorry, I know that lots of women out there probably melted right then, but I just threw more popcorn at my tv. If Jack was my friend, I’d be slappin’ his sorry ass silly for carrying a torch for a woman who he saw having sex with another guy in a cage full of bear shit. Cowboy up, ya dillhole. And was it me, or was he on the verge of tears just then too? Again? You could irrigate the Sahara with this guy’s emotional fragility. Jack has become a parody of the man who is in touch with his inner woman. For five minutes, stop touching your inner woman!

Back in the world, Jack is driving along, so far not in tears. He’s listening to some Nirvana, Scentless Apprentice. Definitely not a standard radio play song, so my guess is Jack owns some real music. What? No Enya? Colour me impressed, Doc.

He makes his way to a funeral home (By now, everyone’s figured out/read somewhere else that “Hoffs/Drawlar” is an anagram for “Flash Forward”) and we get our best view of the newspaper clipping.

Seeking: Whiny Ass Alchie Doctor for Good Times

Best I can tell, the name of the deceased appears to start with a “Jo” or possibly “Ja” but it’s not conclusive. I’ll hit you with a few ideas on that later.

He heads inside, only to find the place deserted. A funeral director appears and informs him that there was no funeral and that no one even showed up for the viewing. The coffin stays closed (Jack has previous issues with coffins, so this is not a surprise) and as he pays his respects, he takes the last of his prescription meds.

Oddly enough, no crying.

Back on the island, the gang is passing what looks like the remains of an ancient volcano. No foreshadowing there. With this shot and the previous mention of it in Ben’s episode, I guarantee that it erupts before the show ends.

She’s gonna blow…in fifty episodes or so.

They’re about an hour from the end of the journey to the tower and thus the return of the ring.

Danielle’s plans don’t include leaving the island once they call for help. Before Jack can argue the point with her, the group stops in it’s tracks. It’s Ben. He and Alex are standing between the tribe and the tower.

“Hello Jack. We need to talk.”

In the Looking Glass, Bakunin has finished his conversation with Ben and rejoins the ladies in the moon pool room. He wants to know if the equipment can be turned off and when he finds out that Gretta and Bonnie are the only two with the code except for Ben, he wonders what would happen if the station flooded. Since the equipment is housed in waterproof casings, it should continue to function.

That bit of information is a death sentence for the Looking Glass Ladies. First Gretta takes a bullet to the chest, then Bonnie takes one to the back. Just as he’s about to finish her, as per his orders, Desmond appears and puts the afore mentioned spear-gun to good use. Bakunin is down.

Charlie makes sure that Desmond doesn’t kill Bonnie, since he still needs the code.

Back at the dormant (for the moment) volcano, Jack keeps Naomi and Ben from beginning a dialogue while Kate scouts around to make sure that Ben and Alex are alone.

All Ben claims to want is five minutes of quality alone time with Jack. Anyone want to bet that it doesn’t take him that long to make Jack cry? No bet.

Kate assures Jack that it’s just a Father/Daughter picnic. Jack agrees to the summit.

In a pharmacy, Jack is trying to refill his prescription, but he’s out of refills. No Oxcodone for Jack. Even a note from his Dad doesn’t produce any results, so Jack leaves in a huff.

On the island, after snagging Ben’s walkie talkie from his belt, Jack and Ben sit in the shadow of the volcano and talk. Ben tells him how he recently made a decision that cost over forty people their lives in a single day. He warns that Jack is about to see history repeat itself if he calls Naomi’s boat. Naomi, according to Ben, is employed by a group that has been trying to find the island for a long time. The bad guys.

Jack is, not surprisingly, still skeptical of Ben’s claim that he and his group are the good guys.

“Jack, listen to me. If you phone her boat, every single living person on this island will be killed.”

When it becomes obvious that he can’t convince Jack to give him Naomi’s phone, he asks for his walkie back and Jack, like an idiot (Ok, not “like” an idiot. An idiot. Only an idiot gives the enemy access to communications.) gives it back to him.

Ben calls Tom and instructs Tom to kill all three of his prisoners if he doesn’t hear from Ben in one minute.

The minute passes and Ben puts more and more pressure on the good doctor. He peppers him with questions, asking why he wants to leave, what he’s trying to get back to, demanding Jack bring him the phone.

Right on schedule, three gunshots in rapid succession and Jack’s tears. Less than five minutes.

“I’m so sorry, Jack.”

Ben’s pseudo-sincerity sends Jack over the edge. He tackles and then pummels old Bug Eyes until his fists are bleeding. I kept wondering why he didn’t beat him to death with the walkie talkie, but then he pick it up and calls Tom.

“Tom, you there?”

“Yeah, Jack, I hear you.”

“I’m gonna lead my people up to the radio tower, and I’m gonna make a call and I’m gonna get ‘em all rescued, every one of ‘em. And then I’m gonna come find you and I’m gonna kill ya.”

That’s right Tom. Jack’s gonna find you and drown you in a bucket of his tears.

Down in the Looking Glass, Charlie is trying to coax the code out of a dying Bonnie. His argument that giving it to him will royally piss off the guy who ordered her death seems to do the trick.

Have I mentioned that I really like Charlie these days?

Turns out the code is a numeric representation of “Good Vibrations”. Good thing that Charlie’s a bass player.

Jack brings a beaten and bloody Ben back to the group and instructs them to tie him up. He intends to take Ben with them to the tower.

Slowly, Danielle steps out of the crowd to stand closer to Alex who is crouching down at her Father’s side.

“What?”

“Alex, this is your Mother.”

It’s taken 3 years but we’ve finally got the Mother and Child reunion we all anticipated from the first time we met Alex. What are the first words between the reunited family? One might reasonably predict “Oh, how I’ve missed you” or “I never dared to hope…”

Nobody could have predicted:

“Will you help me tie him up?”

Kate follows Jack away from the group and asks what Ben said to set Jack off to the point of beating a man to the extreme of ripping the flesh from his hands.

He tells her about the execution of the shooters.

When she wonders why he’s bringing Ben with them, he tells her it’s so he can make Ben see his failure first hand and then he’ll kill him. It’s a fitting punishment, justice and all that, but personally, I’d just kill the fucker.

On the beach Ryan and Tom are arguing over the merit of Ben’s orders. It seems that Ben set the whole thing up in advance and had his men fake the executions by firing into the sand after gagging the prisoners. Tom figures it would have been better to kill them outright.

Oh, Tom. You big ol’ softy!

From the jungle, Sawyer and Juliette watch the beach.

“All they’ve got left is three guys and four guns.”

“And all we’ve got, James, is two people and no guns.”

“So, we’ll wait for night.”

“Night isn’t going to change the fact that we’re unarmed. If you want to kill yourself that’s fine, but before you go…”

“Shhh!! You hear that?”

A strange sound erupts behind them in the jungle. Smokey? The ghost of Eko’s past? Ana Lucia’s attitude?

Nope, it’s Hurley and the Dharma Micro-Bus!

Does anybody out there know how to get footprints out of couch cushions?

YeeeeeeeHAAAAAWWW!!

Razzle FREAKIN’ DAZZLE!!!

Is it possible to hug a fat man while he’s driving like a maniac through the jungle?

Oh and how many dudes are gonna become bumper butter in this show?

Once Hurley has effectively taken out two of the three Others, Sawyer does his thing, grabbing a gun and slamming the door as Hurley tries to get out.

“Stay in the bus, Hero.”

He distracts the remaining armed man long enough for Sayid to trip him and apply his patented “I used to be in the Iraqi military, how ’bout you? SNAP!!! I guess not.” technique. More footprints on my sofa.

YeeeeHAAWWW!!!

Juliette grabs Tom’s gun before he can manage to reach it.

“Ok, I give up.”

Sawyer shoots him anyway.

“That’s for taking the kid off the raft.”

“Dude, it was over. He surrendered.”

“I didn’t believe him.”

I might miss Tom, just a bit.

After stealing some Oxycondone tabs from hospital stores, Jack runs into Dr. Hamil. He sees that Jack is impaired and tries to bring him to his office to talk, but Jack is prepared to have the conversation where they stand.

Hamil tells Jack that the woman he saved is going to be fine, but more than that, she remembers seeing a man on the bridge railing, ready to jump. He distracted her and caused the accident in the first place, so Hamil wants to know how Jack got there so quickly.

An obviously impaired Jack tries to argue back, but when Hamil asks how much he’s had to drink, he suggests that the new head surgeon bring Jack’s Father down and compare impairment.

(*Headscratching sidenote: If, as we’ve already learned, this is a flash forward then why would Jack be suggesting that Hamil bring his long dead Father down from his office. I suspect that Whacked-Jack just forgot that Daddy was pushin’ up McCutcheon bottles, but who knows? Maybe we’ll find out that the vision of Dead Christian in Tennis Shoes wasn’t a hallucination after all.*)

Jack storms out…

As he leads his people up the hill, the walkie he took from Ben crackles to life. It’s Hurley!

“Attention Others! Come in Others. If you’re listening to this, I want you to know that we got you bastards! And unless the rest of you want to be blown up, you”d best stay away from our beach!”

Jack quickly confirms that Sawyer, Juliette, Jin, Sayid and Bernard are fine, and that Hurley is the hero of the hour. A cheer goes up among the tribe.

Claire asks about Charlie, but he hasn’t come back yet. Hurley does his best to reassure her.

In the Looking Glass, Charlie sets Desmond to work gathering the racked diving gear while he heads into the equipment room to tap out “Good Vibrations” and shut down the jamming gear. He even takes the time to check to see if Desmond has had any more flashes, which he hasn’t.

In the equipment room, Charlie gets in touch with his inner Bryan Wilson and taps out the song.

“So much for fate.”

Aw, Charlie, why’d you go and say that? Now fate has to bitch-slap your British ass.

A button lights up, indicating an incoming transmission. In a perfectly TERRIBLE imitation of a garbled transmission, Penny shows up on the screen above the light when Charlie presses the button.

(*WTF Sidenote: What the HELL are the chances that Penny was sitting in front of her webcam or whatever right then? Is she maybe making a little extra scratch on the side doing a “Naughty British Girls” podcast? Between the awful “windows movie maker” special effect that was supposed to be a bad transmission getting clearer and the COMPLETELY serendipitous nature of her making a call just then, well, I had a lot of trouble with this scene. All the tech-heads out there will understand when I wonder “how the hell does static get pixellated?”*)

When she tells him her name, Charlie immediately calls for Desmond, which perks up her ears. She asks if he’s ok and Charlie reassures her that he’s “brilliant”.

When Charlie asks if she’s on the boat, she knows nothing about it, throwing Naomi’s story into suspicion.

As Desmond comes running, he sees the Bakunin’s “body” is gone. Man, first the fence, now the spear-gun. He’s a freakin’ T1000!

It looks like he is not only indestructible, but well armed. He shows up outside the equipment room porthole, live grenade in hand.

Ah, Charlie. That’ll learn you to tease Fate. She’s a heartless bitch.

Ruh-roh

Reacting quickly (if not intelligently) Charlie slams the room’s waterproof door shut, but with himself on the inside. Putz.

Desmond misses the opportunity to speak with Penny, but Charlie saves his life, at the (unnecessary) cost of his own.

Water pours into the room through the blown out porthole.

(*Elementary physics sidenote: Water wouldn’t “Pour” in. Fill your sink or tub, take an empty bottle, put your thumb over the opening, immerse it fully, sideways, take your thumb away and watch as the water “glugs” in, as the water pressure forces bubbles of air out. Had they been really far under water, the pressure would have shot water in like a cannon, crushing Charlie to death instantly. Not only did they muck that up, but once the water reached the top of the porthole, it would stop flooding in, leaving an airspace, at least for a short while. Desmond could have swam out with extra diving gear, passed it to Charlie and then Charlie could have opened the door and gotten out as the station flooded. Sorry C&L, give back those high school diplomas until you take remedial physics.*)

Charlie writes his final note to Desmond on his hand. “Not Penny’s Boat.” and then with his last oxygen, he crosses himself and dies.

Ok, now that’s a sniffle worthy moment. Despite the bad physics, it was really good television.

At that moment on the island, Aaron starts to cry, and seconds later, Naomi’s phone gets a signal. It’s still blocked by Danielle’s transmission (I WTF’d that a while ago) so they are lucky to have just reached the radio tower.

They break in and shut down the blocking signal. Naomi (Unbelievable! Satellite technology needs line of sight to the SKY to work!) tries it but can’t get a signal inside. Once she gets outdoors though, bingo!

Ben is tied, Cooper fashion, to a large tree. Everyone on this island seems to think that it’s effective to tie someone’s torso to a chair, tree or pillar. You really don’t have to be Houdini to figure out that it’s not, but they keep doing it.

Ben tries desperately to get Jack to stop the call.

“This’ll be your last chance, Jack. I’m telling you, making that call is the beginning of the end.”

“I’ve got it! I’ve got a signal!”

“Jack PLEASE, you don’t know what you’re doing!”

“I know exactly what I’m doing.”

Just as she gets her signal, we hear a strange sound and she collapses with one of Locke’s knives in her back.

Jack and John square off at gunpoint. John is willing to kill Jack to keep him from the phone. He puts a bullet in the ground to make his point.

Ben tries to encourage him, but Danielle’s elbow shuts him right up.

And that’s for the Wizard of Oz references!

Finally! Somebody realizes what a bad idea it is to let Ben talk!

“Please. Put the phone down.”

“No. You’re done keeping me on this island.”

Jack calls John’s bluff and Locke puts down the gun just before someone on the other end picks up the phone. Locke wanders away, apparently defeated.

“I’m one of the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815. Can you get a fix on our location?”

“Well, hell yeah we can. Sit tight, we’ll be right there.”

We can let Jack’s tears go this time. I’d probably cry too. No more having to wipe your bum with jungle leaves is enough to bring any man to tears.

Back in his apartment, which is strewn with maps and charts, Jack pulls out his KRZR and makes that call again. This time, there’s an answer and he sets up a meeting at the airport.

When the second car pulls up, it’s Kate!

Ok, I admit, never saw that coming.

He shows her the article and tells her how he thought she might go to the funeral.

(*Who the hell’s in the coffin sidenote: The “Jo” or “Ja” visible in the article leads to the simple conclusion that it might be John Locke or James Ford in the coffin, but unless there was a major reconciliation with Locke or a major falling out with Sawyer, Kate’s reaction seems off. I have three guesses and only one of them is a legitimate guess. Juliette. Kate’s “Why would I go the funeral reaction tells me that the deceased was someone that Jack cared about a lot more than Kate. My other two “guesses” are really kind of lame, but still in the realm of Lost possibility. The first is Jacob. I’m not even sure that he’s real and why Jack would care about him is anyone’s guess. The other guess, which I’m going to actually bet is the answer is that the body belongs to someone we have yet to meet.*)

Jack then tells her how he’s been flying a lot. Using the “Golden Pass” that Oceanic (Didn’t they go out of business during the “Lost Experience”?) gave all the survivors and hoping against hope that his flight will crash and somehow he’ll get back. Bizarrely, Jack, man of science, Mr. “Get my people home at all costs” wants to go back to the island.

Kate makes the excuse that she has to go because he will be wondering where she is.

“We were not supposed to leave.”

“Yes, we were.”

“We have to go back, Kate. We have to go back.”

And there you have it folks. The final curtain on season three.

A few final thoughts before the long hiatus.

I’m 75% convinced that the next three seasons are going to turn everything on it’s ear, like I mentioned at the beginning. I’m foreseeing next season and the ones after being set in the “present” and flashbacks to the island being the new story telling device.

This episode was the tip of that ear spinning iceberg. And I’m convinced that it’s no coincidence that the last words of the season were “We have to go back.” “Going back” is how they plan to tell the story from here on.

Another thing about this season. The second season never made me pump my fists and throw popcorn. Never. For good or bad, this season made a difference in the story. I’m uttering a silent prayer to the Television Muse that the next three are this good or better.

My time here at TVGasm has been fun. To be honest, it’s also been a lot of work and not always appreciated.

To those who have been kind, or at least constructive, thank you. It’s been a pleasure writing for you.

To the haters, well, since I don’t get paid for this gig, they can’t fire me for telling y’all what I think of you.

However, I have learned a lot this year and there are some lines that I will never cross again, so I’ll wish you the best of luck in finding someone who spends hours of his or her own time each week to provide you something that suits your taste better than I.

As far as next season, it’s too early for me to know what that future holds.

I can tell you that I won’t be doing two recaps per week. I run my own business and that’s already two full time jobs as it is. To devote the kind of time each of these articles deserves for more than one show is just not going to be possible.

I’m sure that there will be some folks who will be happy to learn that I will be hanging up my Heroes Recapper Spandex. To those who liked what I was doing, I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it next year.

Depending on how the chips fall, I might be around to put Lost under the microscope again next year. We’ll just have to wait and see.

In the mean time! There’s a hell of a lot of no Lost between now and then. I invite all of you to visit me at greybishop.blogspot.com in June for the start of my second annual Lost Summer. Last year, I recapped all the episodes of season one from the perspective of what we’d learned in season two. This year, I will be applying the information we got from season three to season two. At a pace of an episode per week, it should take most of the hiatus to do. Hopefully, you all can watch along with me and we can discuss the hell out of the second season until season four gets started.

At some point between now and the start of the Lost Summer, I’ll do a recap of that missing episode if anyone is still interested.

Cheers and have a great summer,
Greybishop.