Denouement

What can I say. After this weeks amazing Lost two hour finale I can honestly say I am speechless. Good thing for me that I’m writing this recap instead of live blogging it the way the cool kids are these days, cuz It would just be an image of me with my mouth agape, sitting in my satin TV watchin’ robe with my beloved cats Suri and Shiloh on my lap. The show just rocked. Purely and simply. It had everything. Fantastic revelations, huge cliffhangers, and a big four-toed statue. But I am getting ahead of myself.

It was a rousing sendoff to a great year. So much was revealed and so many new questions raised that it will make these five months between seasons last that much longer. And to all you American Idol fans who chose to watch Clay Aiken’s new hairstyle instead of what had to be the best two hours of television in years, all I can say is you can McSuck it.The show starts as they always do, the moment after the last episode’s cliffhanger moment. There’s a boat right offshore. Now that Ana Lucia and Libby’s two-minute funeral is over, everyone rushes to the beach, excited at the prospect of being saved. The holy hunky trinity of Sawyer, Jack and Sayid all take their shirts off and start swimming out to it. When they get on board they can hear some inside. As they approach the cabin hatch they see it’s locked. Too bad Locke isn’t there; the man specializes in opening hatches of all shapes and sizes. Then whoever is inside starts shooting at them, ripping holes in the cabin door. Jack pulls out his gun, and working together they open the hatch. It’s Desmond, the former button-pusher, piss drunk on Dharma vodka (it’s like Popov vodka, only not as good).

That night in camp, things are buzzing. At the huge outdoor dinner pavilion (where exactly did this thing come from?) everyone can’t stop talking about the boat. Yet another testament to the enduring memory of Ana Lucia and Libby. Jack is alone with Desmond, who is still drunk. “Why did you come back?” Jack asks him. Desmond starts laughing. He didn’t come back. He’s been sailing for two weeks. He should be in Fiji right now, but instead he found himself back at the island. “There is no outside world! We are stuck in the snow globe brotha.” Well if that’s true they better start picking the mates soon. No one wants to get the short end of the stick and be forced to have kids with the ugly people. As Jack gets up to leave, Desmond asks him one last question. “You still pushing it?” “Yeah, were still pushing it.” Jack says and walks off.

From here we cut to our final flashback of the year (it made me so sad to type that). It’s Desmond. He is getting released from military prison, for a crime he didn’t commit. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire: THE A-TEAM! Sorry. I got caught up in the moment there… Anyway, as Desmond is being given back his possessions, we see the picture that he had in the hatch of him and a woman. And then he hands him a book, Our Mutual Friend by Charles Dickens. When the guard asks him why he didn’t bring it in to jail with him, he tells him that he wants that to be the last thing he reads. I feel the same way about The Godfather. I love those movies so much and want to wait until right before I die to watch the majesty that is The Godfather: Part III. The last thing I do on this earth will be savoring its genius, so nobody give anything away! With that the guard officially releases “David Desmond Hume” from prison with a dishonorable discharge. Of course we don’t know why, but that will no doubt be revealed another day. If we don’t ask, they won’t tell.

When Desmond gets outside he sees a car waiting for him with a man in the back seat. He doesn’t want to get in but he isn’t given much choice. The man shows him two boxes. In one of them is his past, the other, his future. Then he has a red pill and a blue pill. If he wants to be set free, he must take the red pill. Or maybe that’s the one that will make him smaller. I get confused. The box that is his past is filled with letters. Every letter he wrote to Penny Widmore. So I am now assuming this man is the long talked about Mr. Widmore of Widmore Industries. Widmore Industries, for those who don’t know, has been popping up here and there throughout the series (and figures prominently in the book Bad Twin). Mr. Widmore tells Desmond that Penny has moved on and is getting married. He then shows him the box that is his future. It’s filled with money. Not real money, but that goofy colored British money with the old lady on it. Widmore says he’ll give Desmond this money if he agrees never to call or write to Penny again. When Desmond asks why he would do that, Widmore looks at him and says, “Because you’re a coward”. Desmond then wets his pants.

Back on the island, Sayid is talking to Jack about their plan to double-double-cross Michael. He says that the boat will help them. As Jack and the others (small o) approach by land Sasyid will approach by water and get to the camp before them. That way he can scout out the Others’ numbers and weapons. He will then burn a pile of wood to make black smoke so Jack, Sawyer, and Kate can meet him there and go in together. Sayid doesn’t take a dump without a plan. I did once. It was a disaster.

In the hatch Eko is keeping watch over the computer. Locke comes in and tells him that he’s been thinking. He doesn’t want Eko to hit the button anymore. Actually he commands him not to hit the button anymore. This brings out the Nigerian warlord in Eko, and when Locke tries to smash the computer, Eko punches him and he drops like a bag of wet mice. Then Eko grabs him and throws him out of the hatch. “Do not come back.” He says. Priests. Whattya gonna do?

On the beach, it’s time for the posse to saddle up and head into the sunset. When Kate says she has second thoughts about it because of the fact that she knows they use fake beards and maybe, just maybe, that means their campsite is fake too, Michael just interrupts them in his subtle “nervous murderer” way and says they have to go. “Enough jibber jabber. Lets roll” says Sawyer. Jibber jabber? Really? Well, with that they head off. On the other part of the beach Sayid is going to Desmond about the boat. Desmond says not to bother trying to get away, there’s no way off the island. Sayid says he won’t, he just needs it to go after the Others, who Desmond refers to as hostiles. Since Desmond already has unloaded his grain alcohol he says it’s all his. We then cut back to the flashback.

Desmond is in a Starbucks buying a four-dollar cup of coffee. When he realizes that all he has is the wacky colored money from England, the woman next to him offers to buy him his coffee. The woman is none other than Libby herself, with a different haircut. An ugly haircut. As they sit and talk Desmond tells her that he is preparing for a boat race around the world. He wants to win it because he will win the money from Charles Widmore, who took away everything he loved because Desmond wouldn’t take his money. The only thing he needs is a boat. Wow. Other than the whole “I don’t have a boat” part, Desmond has a fantastic plan. I plan on going to the moon and building a huge castle for me and five of my favorite TVgasm readers. Now all I need is a rocket ship and the materials to build it. I plan on starting any day now! Libby is touched by Desmond’s inability to create realistic goals for himself, so she offers to give him her boat. It was her husband David’s, but he died a month ago. If we find out in another flashback that her dead husband was Hurley’s uncle, I am officially giving up on this show. Desmond asks what the boat’s name is. “Elizabeth. He named it after me.” Libby says. “Then I will win this race Elizabeth. And I will win it for love” Desmond tells her. Good, I’m sick of people winning races for hate. It’s about time love got a chance.

In the jungle the merry band of brothers (and sister) are walking along until they hear something. They look up and see a bird in the trees come swooping down. It looks like a vulture or an eagle. Or it could be Toucan Sam searching for a “fruitful snootful” of Kellogg’s Fruit Loops for all I know. It all happened so fast. When it swoops over it subtly screeches out Hurley’s name. This is confirmed by rewatching it with the closed captioning on. So now what? Dharma has talking birds? When Michael starts shooting at the bird he realizes his gun isn’t loaded. Jack looks over and says he must have forgot to load it. Then he gives Michael a new gun, with bullets. Michael eyes him suspiciously. Methinks the jig is up.

Over on the other part of the island, Locke is in a secluded part of the woods and crying like a schoolgirl with a scraped knee. The man is blubbering like there is no tomorrow. Baby needs his blanky. Oh Locke, whatever happened to the rough and tumble crippled walkabout guy we all fell in love with? Reduced to tears over a button. Charlie stumbles across him and tells him, in an unbelievably sarcastic and insulting way, that Desmond is back. Since when did the heroin addict, murdering, kidnapping freak start feeling superior to people? I mean sure Driveshaft was a kickass band we can all agree on that, but Charlie is quite the scumbag. And he has bad Scottish teeth. All that rock and roll money and you still have those godawful fangs? Thats the real mystery of Lost.

Don’t you just want to punch that face?

When Sayid is getting ready to go on the boat he sees Sun with him. “I’m sorry if what I said was confusing. I asked Jin to come” Ahh, you can take the man out of Iraq but the antiquated sexist morals remain. Still, he can torture real good, and that’s become quite a necessity on this island. Sun says that they need her to translate and he also needs at least two people to know how to sail. “Desmond managed on his own” Sayid says. “And look where that got him” Sun replies. When Sayid looks over at Jin, he gives that “Don’t look at me, she’s the boss” shrug that is universal to all husbands.

How do you say “She’s the boss” in Korean?

Desmond is back on the beach having a Tommy Lee moment—meaning he is drinking vodka straight out of the bottle while ogling Claire’s baby. When he sees her injecting Aaron with the vaccine, he tells her that it’s a waste of time. He did it for three years and it got him nowhere. And now his testicles are the size of raisins. Then he asks about the baby’s father and whether he is still around. “He had other priorities” Claire says. And we cut right to the flashback.

It’s the night that Desmond and Jack met at the stadium. We see Desmond in the parking lot as Jack pulls up alongside him. Desmond then looks up and sees Penny drive up. “How did you find me?” she says. “With enough money and determination you can find anyone,” she replies. A statement that will have even more meaning by the end of the episode. She asks him if he read his beloved book. No, not Everybody Poops, the one that he was saving. The Dickens book. Not yet, he says. She asks him why he didn’t write her in prison. Instead of saying that he did, he just doesn’t answer. He asks her when she’s getting married. She says they haven’t set a date yet. “I’ll be back in a year” he tells her. “What if you were back right now?” she says with a glimmer of hope. So Penny wants him back. When she asks him what he’s running from he says he has to get his honor back. And since the only way a man can get his honor back is through an around-the-world boat race, he’s going to be gone for a year. Wasn’t this a John Candy movie? Guy needs to win a boat race to get his honor back? Or was this the plot to Meatballs 4? Now I suppose you could be thinking that a way for him to get his honor back would be you know, get a job, buy a house and start a real life again so he and Penny can be happy together. But you have to remember, he’s Scottish. They do things differently up there. And why did it have to be a boat race? Couldn’t he win the hot-dog-eating contest at Coney Island to win his honor back? Or maybe collect a thousand Coke points and get that sweet Coke NASCAR jacket?

On the beach Desmond is wallowing alone when Locke comes up to greet him. “What if I told you for all those years that you and all the men before you were down there pushing that button. What if I told you it was all for nothing.” When Desmond asks him how he would know that Locke tells him about the Pearl station and how it was all a psychological experiment. Desmond can’t believe what he is saying. Locke shows him the orientation tape that explains it all. Desmond says that if he’s so sure why doesn’t he just stop pushing the button. He did decide to stop he says. But someone else decided to start. “So you’re gonna sober up. Get a good night’s sleep. And tomorrow we are gonna find out what happens when that button doesn’t get pushed”. A former cripple and a drunk Scotsman vs. a Nigerian warlord masquerading as a priest. It’s the ultimate Mortal Kombat. Left-right-up-down-A-B makes Eko use a contraction in a sentence.

That night in the jungle Hurley is sitting by the fire. Sawyer offers him a Dharma nutra bar but he turns it down. It was probably because it had the word “nutra” in it. If it was called a “deep fried bar” I’m sure he would have been all over it. Over on the other side of their hastily constructed camp Michael is stewing alone in his own guilt. And it stinks. Jack comes by and asks him how he’s doing. Michael says he’s fine and then thanks him for helping him get… HIS BOY!!!!! Sorry, It’s hard to resist. “Live together, die alone,” Jack says. Then he quietly adds, “Get busy livin’. Or get busy dyin.”

In the boat. Jin, Sun, and Sayid are sailing. Sun has morning sickness, or maybe she dipped into some of Desmond’s Dharma vodka. Jin says she needs to see something. When Sayid hands her the binoculars she looks and sees that on the coastline are the remains of a giant statue. “I don’t know what is more disquieting. The fact that the rest of the statue is gone, or that it has four toes.” And then we see what he’s talking about. Its the remains of a giant statue with a big four-toed foot. Does that mean that this island was colonized by cartoon people? Was it created by Dharma as an example of what they are attempting to achieve through genetic mutation? If so, then where is the rest of the statue? Is it thousands of years old? WTF is going on with this show? I haven’t been this freaked out since I met this dude.

Back in the hatch. Eko is sitting there etching more sayings into his big pounding stick. Probably something along the lines of “Thou shalt not let the bald man keep you from the button.” He then starts to hear some suspicious noises. When he gets up to investigate we hear the familiar sounds of the woman’s voice on the speaker system. It’s time for a lockdown! Once Eko realizes what’s going on, he races back to get inside the computer room, but he’s too late. Locke and Desmond are already there—Desmond tripped the lockdown by crossing some wires. With the countdown at 101 minutes, Locke says now all they have to do is sit there and wait.

In the flashback Desmond is on the high seas getting his honor back. He is in the middle of a huge storm and when he goes above deck to try and fix the mast he is knocked unconscious. But at least he was able to save his dorky book. When he wakes up he finds himself inside the hatch. A man is standing over him asking him “What did one snowman say to the other snowman?” Desmond doesn’t know what he is talking about. When he asks him his name he says “Kelvin Inman.” This is the same man who was the army psyops guy who taught Sayid how to torture back in Iraq in 1991. Only then he went by the name John Inman. And a thousand years ago he went by another name. The Kurgan (cue Queen music). Then Desmond hears the noise of the button. Inman goes and enters the numbers and hits enter. “What was that?” Desmond asks. “Just saving the world.” Inman tells him.

Then we see Desmond watching the orientation tape. And this is the first time I noticed that in this orientation film the Asian man has only one arm and walks with a limp. In the Pearl orientation tape he is perfectly healthy with working arms. I’m not living up to my geek street cred for taking this long to notice. Desmond asks Inman why there are some parts missing on the film. “Radzinski made some edits,” he says. But when Desmond asks him why, he doesn’t answer. No one ever answers direct questions on this show.

Desmond asks him who Radzinski was and Inman just says that he was his partner. Then Inman starts putting on his HAZMAT suit. When Desmond asks why he has to wear it, Inman just says its so he doesn’t get infected. Does Desmond ask what could be infecting him? No, of course not. Then Inman shows him the vaccine and tells him to take it every nine days.

In real time, Eko limps out of the hatch. He stops momentarily to notice the huge quarantine sign on the blown hatch door. On the beach he runs up to Charlie and asks him for help. Getting a new shirt? Goodness no, the dirty scrap of cloth that used to be a shirt has become something of a lucky charm for the big guy. Well, that is if you don’t count him crash-landing on this island, finding his dead brother and being locked out of the one true mission that Jesus has picked out for him. Namely, pushing a button on a 1984 Macintosh. Hey it could be worse, he could have to wash lepers or something. He asks Charlie how they got the hatch door open. Charlie says that they blew it up. Eko pleads with him saying that if he cant get into the hatch everyone on the island will die. With that Charlie agrees to help him.

In the jungle the merry band of thieves is walking along talking about the Others. Sawyer’s theory is that they are aliens and that’s why they wear masks. Kind of a funny inside joke for all the Lost fanatics and their theories. Well played, J. J. Abrams. Well played. As they are talking Kate tells Sawyer to act naturally. Leer at something or make a bad double entendre. They are being followed and she is planning on turning the tables on them. They both pull their guns out, and a firefight ensues. Sawyer drops one of the Others, but one of them gets away. When Kate starts to go after him Jack says not to. When she asks why, he says its because they have already been warned. He then looks over at Michael. “Tell them, Michael,” Jack says “Tell them what?” Michael says playing dumb—something he’s perfected. Jack grabs him and shoves him against a tree and screams at him to stop lying. Michael cracks. He tells them everything. The list of names. That he let Henry go. He even admits that he killed Ana Lucia and Libby. But they just don’t understand. He had to. It was the only way he could get his son back. Wait a minute. Michael has a son? Who would’ve thought! Wow, this season finale is all about shocking revelations!

Hurley is so disgusted at Michael he says he is going back. Jacks says that he can’t. If Michael doesn’t show up with all four of them the Others could know they are on to them and kill them all. He apologizes for not telling them right away but he says he never would have brought them out here without a plan B.

Speaking of plan B, we then see Sayid on the boat praying to Allah. Then Sun tries to mess with him by turning the boat around so he’s not facing east. Punk’d! Jin sees the rocks off in the distance. The one with the hole in the middle. Was it used as a glory hole for the giant 4 toed statues of yesteryear? We might never know. All they do know is that this means they have arrived at the Others’ camp.

In the jungle with Eko and Charlie, Charlie is leading him to the Dy-no-mite pile. Eko is planning on blowing up the hatch blast doors. Eko is unaware of the definition of a “blast door.” He must have missed that class in fake priest school. When Charlie tells them what he is doing, Desmond says nothing would be able to blow up that door. When Locke asks him if he is sure, Desmond looks over to a crumpled metal shelf and says “I’m sure.” Then we cut to the flashback.

We see Inman mixing some Dharma detergent with a brush. He tells Desmond to get ready. Desmond puts the crumpled metal shelf under the doorway and then goes over to a control panel in the computer room, crosses some wires, and we hear the familiar voice of the woman counting down. It’s time for a lockdown.

Once the doors are down Inman starts working on the invisible map, which was started by his first partner, Radzinski. “You should have seen Radzinski do this. He had a photographic memory.” Desmond then asks why he never speaks about what happened to the mysterious Radzinski. Inman then walks over to him and points up to a brown stain on the ceiling. “See that? That’s Radzinski” he put a shotgun in his mouth when Inman was sleeping. “Bitch of it was I only had 108 minutes to bury the poor bastard.” He says as he goes back to his invisible map. Best line of the episode.

Desmond then tells him that he wants to go outside next. It’s always Inman who gets to go. Inman says it’s too dangerous with the hostiles and the quarantine. Here’s an idea: the Others are dressed that way so they look like savages affected by the “sickness” to the people in the hatch who venture out? But if that’s true then the plane crash wasn’t planned, and if so, how did the Others know everyone’s names? This is the shit that keeps me up at night.

Anyway, Desmond tries to argue his point by swaying that he was in the army. Inman shoots back. “Oooh, right. Her Majesty’s army, correct? How is that nice old lady’s Army?” Oooh, Dharma Snap! Then Inman points out that he was kicked out of his army for not following orders. “And why did you get kicked out of yours?” Desmond asks him. “Because men followed my orders.” Then Inman continues his sarcastic rant “Oh, but then thank god I joined the Dharma initiative! Namaste, thank you and good luck!” Inman says that Desmond can’t go out. He has to stay and push the button.

Speaking of which, Eko is still working on getting that dynamite to blow the door designed to stop people who want to blow it up with dynamite. Charlie tries to plead with Eko, saying that maybe the whole thing is a joke. Eko stands up, pulls Charlie’s belt off and throws it against the far wall, where it sticks to the wall from the magnetism. Then Charlie’s pants fall down to reveal his Driveshaft. Underwear I mean. Driveshaft underwear. They marketed more than Kiss. Eko tries to give Locke one more chance, saying that if Locke lets him back in he will “forgive” him. No dice. So Eko then lights the fuse and hides around the corner about two feet away. Another lesson Eko missed in fake priest school. I can’t imagine how, the chapter was clearly marked “How far to stay away when lighting dynamite on blast doors that will not be affected by it on mysterious island hatches with a bald guy and Scottish dude who says ‘brotha’ a lot locked inside.” Charlie tries to run for it as the dynamite explodes, but the entire inside of the hatch erupts in a huge fireball.

In the flashback we see Desmond being awakened by the button alarm. He races out and enters the numbers in. It was Inman’s shift, so where is he? Then he hears Inman singing. Under a trap door in the floor. He goes down to investigate and sees that Inman is drunk sitting in a corner next to a key switch. Damn this island loves buttons, and now we’ve added key switches to the mix. I heard next season is all about levers. Oh, but this is a special key switch. It is marked “Caution: System Termination.” Which doesn’t sound as good as “For free strippers: Turn key.” In fact it is quite the opposite. I for one don’t want to terminate any systems on this wacky island.

“I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it,” Inman says. What is it, Desmond asks. “Failsafe. Turn this key and this all goes away.” Desmond asks what is behind the wall, what was the incident? Amazingly… Inman answers. I’m sorry. It’s just for a Lost fan I am not used to people ever answering questions directly, so this got me very excited. It doesn’t take much. As a kid playing inside a huge cardboard box would keep me entertained for hours. I would’ve done the same with an old refrigerator, but a very special episode of Punky Brewster taught me not to do that. “Electromagnetism,” Inman says. “Geologically unique. The incident, there was a leak, so now the charge builds up, and every time we push the button, it discharges it. Before it gets too big.”

Why make us do it? Push the button? Inman laughs. “Here’s the real question, Desmond. Do you have the courage to take your finger out of the dam and blow the whole thing up instead?” No, here is the real question, Why couldn’t you simply design a program to automatically discharge the magnetism? Here, I can do it for you right now:

1 If time = 108 then goto line 2
2 Enter =4 8 15 16 23 42 goto line 3
3 discharge freaky island magnetism. Goto line 4
4 Reset clock to 108

There, done. I just saved the Dharma Initiative the cost of two full salaried employees. They can mail me a check.

In the modern hatch Desmond wants to go outside and check on Eko and Charlie outside. He thinks they may be dead. Locke stops him. Desmond then asks him a question. Why does he want to let the counter go down to zero? Does he really want to look down the barrel of the gun? Locke then says that he believed. He believed it was his purpose. So much so that a kid died for it. And that night he was pounding his fists on that hatch door, screaming at the heavens. And then a light came on. He thought it was a sign. “But it wasn’t a sign. Probably just you going to the bathroom.” The clock reads 32 minutes and counting.

On the north side of the island Sayid is reconnoitering the Others’ camp, Bauer style. Only when he gets there it is deserted. Not a single person. He then goes over to the hatch that they were protecting and opens it. Nothing. A fake door and a fake hatch. The whole village is one huge decoy. Heck, I coulda told you that.

In the jungle, Michael (FYI, he is trying to get his son back), Jack, Kate, and Sawyer stumble across a gigantic pile of pneumatic tubes next to a big plastic dispensing tube. The tubes are filled with notebooks. Entire journals describing the goings-on inside the Swan hatch and the person named “SR.” Radzinski? Before they have time to look at it, Sawyer sees the smoke. But something is wrong. The smoke is miles away.

Jack yells, “Where were you taking us? Sayid said he’d light the signal so we would meet him at the shore. We’re nowhere near the beach!” Michael yells at him, “I had to!” and begins to plead. And then, the whispers start. The Others are near. The only thing I can make out is the name Elizabeth, but from past experience there are more embedded whispers in there, and rest assured there are an army of nerds out there that will find out for us. If you hear of anything, let us know in the forums.

They all draw their guns. Sawyer than grabs at his neck. A tranquilizer dart. Strike that, a tranquilizer dart that acts as a mini tazer. Sawyer goes down. The rest try to run—well all but Hurley—but it’s too late. They are all captured by the others. Damn you Michael. Damn you to hell.

In the hatch, Desmond is quizzing Locke about the other hatch. Pearl station. He says it was full of TV monitors and a computer that spit out a printout. They were there to evaluate what went on in the hatch as part of the experiment and then send there reports back to their headquarters. But Desmond asks Locke if maybe he has it all wrong. Maybe the experiment was on them—the people at Pearl station. Maybe the button does need to be pushed. After what we just saw in the jungle I am starting to believe it myself. Then Desmond goes and looks at the printouts. All of which have the times followed by the word “accepted” on it.

Back in the flashback, Desmond is watching Inman leave in his suit when he notices that there is a tear in the leg of Inman’s HAZMAT suit. Thinking the whole thing is a big hoax, Desmond silently follows him outside and to the beach. When he goes over a cliff to see what Inman’s doing he sees his sailboat, repaired and floating in a small lagoon. He is then surprised by Inman, who sneaks up behind him. He says he’s planning on leaving once he gets the boat fixed. “Why did you lie to me?” Desmond screams at him. “Because I needed a sucker to save the world after I left.” This throws Desmond into a rage. He lunges at Inman, and they roll down the side of the embankment. Inman hits his head and dies instantly. Years as a special forces army guy, torturer and veteran of numerous bloody wars, and he dies when he hits his noggin in a three-second fight with a 5’6″ Scottish guy who reads Dickens. Not since Jon Erik Hexum has there been a more embarrassing death (look it up).

Once Desmond sees he’s dead he grabs the key from around his neck and races back to the hatch. He’s too late. The countdown has expired, and the voice on the speaker system keeps repeating “System Failure” over and over again. Everything is shaking, and the hieroglyphics are showing on the timer. Desmond can only manage a few of the numbers before “System Failure” covers the computer screen over and over again. Then the shaking gets worse. All the metal objects in the hatch start flying across the room. Desmond enters in the final numbers and hits Execute. A moment passes, and then it stops. The computer goes back to normal, and everything is quieter again.

In the present, Desmond is poring over the printouts from the other computer. “When did you come here? The island. When did you come here?” Desmond asks him. “I don’t know, 60 days ago.” Locke says. “No, the date!” Desmond says. “It was September 22nd”" Then Desmond looks down at the printout. The system failure that happened after Inman died. The one that caused the electromagnetism to start to breach, happened on September 22nd. The same day the plane went down. The massive electromagnetic output from not entering the numbers caused the plane to crash. Hear that sound? That is the sound of your mind being blown away. “I think I crashed your plane.” Desmond says, as he looks up form the printout.

Back with Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, and scumbag Michael are all hooded, except for Michael, and being led down a dock. This must be the Pala Ferry referred to in the orientation tape. The French woman’s daughter is there, as well as the bearded man and all the other Others. The Others pull off the captives’ hoods and we see they are all gagged. Kate mumbles that they know the bearded guy’s beard is fake. “Why thank you, Kate. You don’t know how much this itches.” He says as he takes it off. We then find out that the bearded man and Miss Clue’s real names are Tom and Dee. Then we hear a noise. It’s the boat from last seasons finale. And there is someone on it. It’s Henry Gale. He strides onto the ferry landing and looks at Jack. “Hello again,” he says calmly. He then looks over at Tom, the former bearded man. “Where’s your beard?” he asks impatiently. “I think they know.” says Tom sheepishly. So Henry is the leader of the Others? Or at least the liaison between the Others and the real people behind it all. But what are the Others doing here? Were they dressed that way to fool the people in the hatches? Henry then looks over at Michael and says, “Let’s get down to business.” And business on the Lost island is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!! And after he says that they cut to commercial. Goddamn this show. I am having multiple TVgasms and dramatic blue balls all at the same time!

In the hatch Charlie is waking up after the explosion knocked him out. He wanders into the other room and sees Eko unconscious beneath some falling debris. In the computer room Desmond is frantically explaining to Locke that he crashed his plane. The button needs to be pushed. It’s all real. Locke still doesn’t believe him. When Desmond goes to enter in the buttons himself, Locke grabs the computer and smashes it to the floor. Desmond is panic-stricken. “You’ve killed us all,” he says. “No, I’ve saved us all.” Locke tells him. Desmond then releases the lockdown and runs out to the hall. He starts searching behind the bookcase when he stumbles across his Dickens book. This triggers the final flashback sequence.

Desmond is in the hatch now, alone and despondent. He is holding a gun contemplating suicide and drinking that sweet Dharma vodka. He finally decides to do what he has planned on all his life. He is going to read his final Dickens novel. When he opens the book though, a piece of paper falls out. He opens it to discover that his book is now three years overdue. Just kidding, It is a letter from Penny. It reads:

Dearest Des,
I am writing this letter you as you leave for prison and I’ve hidden in the one place you would turn to in a moment of great desperation. I know you go away with the weight of what happened on your shoulders. And I know the only person who can ever take it off is you. Please don’t give up Des. Because all we really need to survive is a person who truly loves us. And you have her. I will wait for you always.
Love Pen.

So I guess Penny’s idea of “forever” is a few years until she decides to marry another dude. Freaking chicks man…

The letter sends Desmond into a rage. He starts to sob and then rips the place apart. When he collapses on the floor he hears a noise. Banging outside at the top of the hatch. When he goes to look up he hears that it is Locke, on the night Boone died. He starts to cry tears of joy that only the sight of a middle-aged bald man can trigger. I suffer the same affliction. To this day I can’t watch a movie with Patrick Stewart without breaking into uncontrollable sobbing.

Back in real time, Desmond runs back into the computer room and starts to open up the trap door. He says that the night Locke was banging on the hatch door was the night that Locke saved him from killing himself. Now he has to go blow the dam. As he says this, he disappears down the trap door, and the counter finally reaches zero. The moment us Lost fans have been waiting for all year. Screw American Idol, or who died on The O.C., or any of that nonsense. All we cared about is “What happens if you don’t push the button?” Well, now we find out….

Desmond looks back up at Locke for what could be the last time and sways “I’ll see you in another life brother.” Then the hatch is filled with the same noise we heard before “System failure. System failure.” Only this time there is no way to stop it. Everything is shaking. Then the giant magnetic pull starts to fling everything metal across the room. Charlie and Eko dodge out of the way of flying cutlery and pans. Below, Desmond fights his way across debris and sparks to get to the big button. I am jumping up and down in my living room like a giddy schoolgirl. If I had a nickel every time I typed that sentence..

Everything gets worse with the even bigger metal objects flying around the room, the washer dryer, the weights. Thank god no one has a metal plate in his head. Charlie tries to carry Eko out, but Eko just pushes Charlie out the door and tells him to get free. The hatch is his white whale I guess you could say (Dickens and Melville in one recap. If I throw in a Thackeray reference I can get the hat trick).

Eko stumbles back into the computer room where all hell is breaking loose. He looks up on the wall and sees the timer collapse in on itself. Awesome. Locke just looks at him dumbfounded and in the most loaded sentence since Rock Hudson said “Eh, its just a rash,” Locke simply says “I was wrong.” Down below, amid the chaos, Desmond takes out his key and puts it in the keyhole (tee hee). We hear Penny’s voice from the letter telling him that he loves her, and then he turns it.

Everything goes white. We cut right to the ferry where Jack and the rest of them are tied up. A giant piercing groan surrounds the island as everyone grabs their ears and are enveloped in a white light. On the beach, Bernard, Claire and the baby are covering their ears. And then.. its over. Everything goes back to normal. Bernard looks up and sees something flying through the air. It’s a piece of metal coming right for him. He jumps out of the way as it crashes to the beach. He looks over and sees that it is the quarantine labeled hatch door. Is the hatch destroyed? We’ll find out in six months.

As we are watching everyone on the beach clean up after the incident, Charlie comes out of the woods. Bernard runs up to him and ask him where Locke and Eko are. “they’re not back yet?” he asks. Then he looks over and gets a faint smile from Claire. He smiles back. Meanwhile Desmond, Eko, and Locke are screaming for help as the skin burns off their bodies. At least they could be as far as Charlie knows, the little prick.

On the ferry landing, Henry is not happy. He doesn’t like the arrangement that was made but admits that with Walt they got “More than they bargained for,” meaning Walt’s powers. But Henry said Michael lived up to his word, so he will live up to his as well. He tells him to take the boat and follow a compass heading of 3 2 5, and if he does that they will find rescue. “That’s it?” Michael says incredulously. Then he asks Henry what if he tells everyone in the outside world about the island. Henry is not concerned. Once Micheal leaves, Henry says, he will never be able to get back here. (What could this mean? Is the island hidden form the world by the electromagnetism?) And besides, Henry adds, if Michael does talk people will find out what he did to get his son back.

Henry then sends Michael to the boat where Walt is inside. Michael finally finds Walt. “Bon voyage,” Henry says and turns to walk toward the others. They then untie Hurley and tell him he can go. His job is to tell the other people to never come here. “But what about my friends?” he says. “They are coming with us.” Henry says. Hurley looks back one last time at Jack, Sawyer and Kate tied up on the pier. When the Others go to pull them off their knees, Kate and Jack look at each other. What looks like a nod of recognition goes over their faces. What? Is there a plan C? We don’t know as the hoods go over their heads.

The next thing we see it’s nighttime. Charlie is sitting on the beach with Claire. She asks what happened out there but Charlie just says, “Nothing happened.” Then Claire looks at the cuts he got form the big nothing and he smiles. She leans over and kisses him. Awww, this would be a sweet moment if it weren’t for the fact that Charlie is a lying scumbag who just left Eko, Locke, and Desmond to their possible deaths. That’s it, I am throwing away all my Driveshaft records. We then fade to black. But there is one more tantalizing part of this amazing season finale. The epilogue. I admit I almost missed it since the scene takes place in the arctic and the ABC logo is hidden in all the white. Thank god for TiVo.

Two Brazilian men are in the Arctic (or Antarctica, we don’t know) in what looks like a viewing station. One of them looks up from the chess game they are playing and sees that one of their instruments says, “Electromagnetic anomaly detected” on the screen. “How long has it been doing that?” he says. “That’s it isn’t it! We missed it again!” the other says. “Call her!” the other one frantically screams. He races to the phone and picks it up. We cut to a woman’s nightstand, with the picture of Desmond and Penny on it. The phone rings. A woman picks up and the man says “Mrs. Widmore. I think we found it.”. The woman is Penny. Cut to black.

So that’s it. Is anyone else as jazzed as I am? That was a great season finale. If it wasn’t for the fact that we have Big Brother 7 this summer (and Project Runway 3 and Hell’s Kitchen 2) I would be one antsy fellow waiting for September to arrive. What happened when Desmond pushed the button? Did it reveal the island to the outside world? Will we get to see Michael next season driving to pick up Walt from soccer practice sticking his head out the car window and screaming “I have to get my son! WALLLLLTTTTT!!!!!!” and killing all who get in his way? What did Kate and Jack look at each other for? Will Claire really sleep with that sleaze Charlie? Well at least we have the Lost webgame and the Lost forums to keep us occupied. It’s gonna be a long summer.