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In the final installment of Lost this season, we find out what’s in the box, who’s in the foot, and what’s in the hole.
Locke: That is the biggest foot I have ever seen!
Richard: Can you just imagine how big that guy’s pe…
Locke: Can you get your mind out of the gutter for like 3 seconds, Richard?
Richard: …peroneus longus. How big his peroneus longus is. It’s a leg muscle. Who’s the dirty bird now, John?
“Now come on, I see Jacob waving at us from that huge bunion.”
And then Sawyer demanded 5 minutes of Jack’s time, and Jack was like, “Yeah sure!!” He apparently forgot that just like 3 seconds ago Sayid was BLEEDING TO DEATH IN THE BACK OF THE DHARMA VAN.
What an awesome doctor!
Speaking of which…so you guys remember that time that Jack told Kate this story about how he slipped during his first surgery and this teenage girl was going to be paralyzed because of his mistake, and that he was all brave and shit and counted to five and all the fear left him and he stitched her up and he was a big fucking hero?
WELL HE FAILED TO MENTION THAT HIS DADDY HAD TO DO ALL THAT FOR HIM. HAHAHAHA OH, JACK.
And then in true Shephard fashion, father and son shared a moment of unadulterated hatred, followed by some misty eyes and Jack faces!
And then Jack took some candy from a stranger, which he would have known to not do if he would have had a better father. It’s a vicious cycle.
So Sawyer’s got his five minutes with Jack to try and convince him to not set off the bomb.
“You know my mother got conned out of a heap of money, and my dad wasn’t too pleased with that, so he shot her to death and then blew his head off. In front of me. When I was 6.”
“Well…my dad made me become a surgeon and then got pissed at me when I botched a surgery. Psh. And plus? I found out my wife was cheating on me!!! The same night I cheated on her!!! Can you believe that shit?? AND I asked Hurley for waffles this morning, but he made me pancakes instead!! My life sucks!!”
“I’m very sorry for…your pancakes. But look, my point is that my parents technically died last year, so I could have gone and stopped it all from happening! But exactly like my uncle told me 32 minutes ago, what’s done is done. What the hell do you even want to go back for??”
“Well Sawyer, I knew a girl once. A pretty girl, who was full of life. She was warm, and caring, and she had kind of a shady past, but she was over all that, you know? We had taco night, and we made out in the shower, and she had these adorable little freckles…no one you know, of course.”
“You talkin’ about Kate?”
“…she was so special, you know? But then she wasn’t so cool anymore, and I wasn’t allowed to have a Scotch or 12 after work, and I wasn’t allowed to pop a Vicodin once in a while, and all the sudden this girl just was a total BITCH, so first I proposed and that didn’t pan out, so I dropped her ass like it was hot.”
“Her ass IS hot, Jackass, you’re talking about Kate! And you’re going to TURN BACK TIME??? Just to get her to LIKE YOU AGAIN??? WHAT THE…Jack, I hate to break this to you, but you’re going to be an asshole no matter WHEN you are.”
And that’s when, after 5 years of ALMOST kicking each other’s asses, Jack and Sawyer TOTALLY KICKED EACH OTHER’S ASSES!!!!!! d’sl;fkg;ssdflkgk’s;ldfk
To properly enjoy this fight scene, CLICK HERE before you begin reading!
*puts on old timey announcer voice*
AAAAND IT’S SLUGGER SAWYER WITH THE FIRST PUNCH AND JACKY BOY GOES DOWN FASTER THAN A
BAI LING THAI HOOKER!
AND JUDAY, JUDAY, JUDAY! THE GOOD DOCTOR COMES BACK WITH A LEFT HOOK, AND THEN A RIGHT! IT SURE LOOKS LIKE HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A HOUSE CALL!
BUT WAIT! THERE’S NO NEED TO MAKE A CALL TO THIS BRICK SHITHOUSE!! HE KICKS JACK IN THE MANGINA, SENDING THE GOOD DOCTOR REELING AND THANKING HIS LUCKY STARS THAT THERE IS A VACANT HOLE WHERE HIS BALLS USED TO BE!
ALWAYS ONE TO KICK A MAN WHEN HE’S DOWN, SAWYER REALLY STICKS IT TO ‘EM!!
JACK “RIGHT NOW MY FACE LOOKS LIKE AFTERBIRTH” SHEPHARD STAGGERS AND THEN FALLS, SAWYER’S IMMINENT VICTORY ONLY MOMENTS AWAY!
AND THEN HE GOT TO DO WHAT ACK HAS BEEN LONGING TO DO FOR 5 YEARS! ALMOST CHOKE JACK TO DEATH!
“NOW SAY UNCLE!!!!!! SAY IT!!!!! SAY UNCLE AND DON’T BLOW UP THAT BOMB YOU GIGANTIC ASS!!!!!”
“BUT IT’S THE FINALE, I HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! HAVEN’T YOU EVER SEEN THIS SHOW???”
But right when things were getting good,
Juliet’s cleavage Juliet came out of nowhere and ended all the fun. And she’s all like, “Jack is right, we HAVE to do this!!!”
And Sawyer (and the entire viewing audience) was like…
Sawyer: WTF DO YOU MEAN IT HAS TO HAPPEN, DIDN’T YOU JUST KARATE CHOP A BUNCH OF SUBMARINE GUYS JUST TO GET HERE TO STOP THIS BUFFOON??
Juliet: I know it seems weird, but just go with it, okay?
Sawyer: THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE, DARLING.
Juliet: Here, watch this Jacob-free flashback that is merely a vague attempt by the writers to explain why I’d do this.
“Juliet, Rachel, your dad and I are getting a divorce.”
“Wait a second, this is supposed to be 30 years ago? Why do we look like we’re inside the 2009 Ikea catalog and not on the set of That 70′s Show??”
“If you really loved us these walls would be covered in orange and green wallpaper and we’d at least have a LAVA LAMP! YOU DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER AND YOU DON’T LOVE US! YOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIP HAS JUST RUINED MY ENTIRE LIFE!”
Someone call the WAH-mbulance!!
“Wait, not even some macrame or ANYTHING? WTF??”
“My parents’ lack of 70′s flair and love for each other means we can’t be together anymore…I saw how you looked at Kate.”
“Have you gone mental?! You’re going to throw away 3 years of sappy bliss because I glanced at my ex?”
“If we blow up the bomb, I’ll go back to being stuck here with Ben literally breathing down my neck and you’ll go back to being an enormous asshole. We would have never met. It’s better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost.”
“But that’s not how it goes.” *is emo*
“So what you’re telling me is that despite the fact that EVERYONE is better off right now except for you, you are still going to do this?”
“Would you ever expect anything less of me?”
“Well honestly I was expecting a few…”
“Jears? You got ‘em, little lady. Right here.” *sniff*
And then we saw Hurley being tossed out of the clink!
FRUIT ROLLUP: Don’t leave home without it.
So he goes to catch a cab in front of the jail, and Jacob’s all like, “I know that you’re convinced that a bunch of bad guys are conspiring to kill you right now, how about a cab ride with a complete stranger?”
“Seems completely rational to me, dude!”
And now on this edition of Taxicab Confessions: Los Angeles…
Hurley: Either I’m crazy or you’re dead…or both.
Jacob: Oh, you’re not crazy. I’m not dead or alive…I am merely a phantasmic apparition that flits hither and thither around time and space to painstakingly weave the delicate tapestry of destiny!
Hurley: …YUP, definitely crazy.
So despite the fact that his guts are seeping through his wifebeater, Sayid has managed to rig the plutonium core of an H-bomb to explode on impact using nothing but some duct tape, a broom handle, a sunflower seed, and a VHS copy of Mannequin II: On the Move.
Of course this is thanks to Sayid’s PhD from the Jack Bauer Institute of Pwnage. Freshman often think the “Make Anything Explode on Impact Using Common Household Items and Some Hastily Scribbled Notes from a Recently Deceased Physicist” seminar is a waste of time, but obviously they are mistaken.
Sayid: Heave the rod into the hole and it should blow up immediately.
Jack: That’s what she said LOL!
Sayid: She shouldn’t be saying that, it’s insulting.
Jack: *blank stare* But…I hear it all the time…!
“Okay guys, this is it! GO TIME! This shit’s about to get raw like sushi.”
And he’s like, “Well Kate, see ya at LAX. Actually, won’t see ya. Cause I won’t know you at all. Which is why I’m doing this. Because you broke my heart into a million tiny Jears-shaped pieces. So since I’ll never see you again, I want to tell you one thing: that one night when we were engaged, and you walked in on me? I actually was masturbating to Grey’s Anatomy. Seeing doctors cry really turns me on. Have fun in jail! Later Jater!”
Kate said nothing, but quietly mused on the fact that she had always known that there wasn’t “a bee in his pants” that night.
Back at the foot, Locke had asked Richard if he could have a little meet-and-greet with Jacob like RIGHT NOW and Richard told him that would be breaking the rules.
“What kind of rules? I think you’re making this up!!”
And Richard pulled out this scroll-looking thing!
Sun: I didn’t hear anything about thou keeping thy eyelashes voluminous and thy J. Crew shirt neatly tucked at all times.
Ben: That’s because these are Jacob’s 8 Commandments of Being an Other. Richard follows Tim Gunn’s 10 Commandments of Being Fierce.
So then Richard goes up to the wall and taps just the right brick (three up, two across) and a door magically appears into
Diagon Alley the inside of the giant foot!
And Locke is just like, “Listen, Ben. Things are going to be different after Jacob’s gone. I promise that things will be better. I promise better healthcare, no new taxes, a soda machine in the rec room, and all the bunnies you’d like.”
Thrilled at the idea of a new playmate for his pet rabbit Bunry, Ben surprisingly accepts Locke’s knife with some apprehension – sure, he’s killed before. Lots of times. Lots and LOTS of times.
Audience: But Jacob? Isn’t he like Benry’s only real father figure?
Lost writers: Hello? This is Lost. This is like the MOTHER of all daddy issues. It’s killin’ time!
And now everyone’s waiting around for Jack to drop the bomb and send them all flying back to the future when Miles is like, “What makes you think he’s not the reason the whole Incident happened in the first place? I mean how do you know he’s actually fixing things and not messing everything up? AGAIN?”
“Why are you so suspicious? Why are you assuming the worst?”
“Because it’s either that or accept the fact that he really IS fixing things this time. And then I have to deal with the horsemen and the reign of fire and the end of days.”
And by now Radzinsky’s machine has drilled straight into this Hot Pocket of DOOM and everything starts to go haywire, and PF Chang is just like, “TURN IT OFF MAN, TURN IT OFF! IT’S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE!!!” but since Radzinsky is the World’s Biggest Ass Clown, he does nothing of the sort!
And then here comes Dr. Sharpshooter himself, shooting guns at giant tanks full of flammable materials while wearing an H-bomb on his back!!!
And then Sawyer takes Phil hostage! And Phil’s all like, “You know, if I don’t make it through this, feel free to catch me on Mad Men! Or Southland! Or Cold Case! Or Pushing Daisies! Or Burn Notice! Or Girlfriends!”
Sawyer: Phil, will you just shut the hell up?
Phil: *muffled* Or NCIS! Or Bones! Or Veronica Mars! Or According to Jim!
And then FINALLY Jack goes to toss the bomb into the Hot Pocket! Luckily someone remembered to turn the smoke machine on!
Everyone got one last moment to reflect on things before the bomb was dropped…
Man, Kate’s sure pretty…too bad she wasn’t as into beards and substance abuse as I was…
Wait, why I am going along with this????? What the hell is wrong with me????? WHY DID I AGREE TO THIS????
Okay, look at Juliet this time, NOT KATE. Juliet. Juliet. Look over longingly at me, Juliet.
Sawyer’s actually looking at me this time? Oh my god, why did I agree to this???? But it’s too late now, too late…think happy thoughts…at least I got to bang Sawyer for a while. Silver lining.
And then…OMG AND THEN? THE BOMB GOT DROPPED INTO THE HOLE!!! AND IT’S DROPPING DOWN AND DOWN AND WE’RE ALL ON THE EDGE OF OUR FREAKING SEATS, JUST WAITING TO SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN!
AND IT’S DROPPING AND DROPPING, AND WE’RE WAITING AND WAITING…
AND THEN…..FINALLY…..NOTHING HAPPENED!!!!! HAHAHAHA
It was the theatrical equivalent of all the air coming out of a balloon, AMIRIGHT??
And then…everything started to rumble…and Jack, who had been morphing into Locke all season, finally crossed over into the Dark Side:
“…I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!”
AND THEN THIS HAPPENED, AND EVERY PERSON ON THE EAST COAST OF THE UNITED STATES COULD HEAR ME LAUGHING FROM THEIR COUCHES!!!!!!
AND THEN PF CHANG LEARNED ABRUPTLY THAT HE’D NEVER PLAY TWISTER AGAIN!
And Phil’s like, “Or The New Adventures of Old Christine! Or CSI: Miami! Or CSI: NY! Or Monk! Or My Wife and Kids! Or…”
But then he got impaled by one pointy stick for each douchey thing he’d done all season!
AND THEN JULIET GOT SUCKED INTO THE HOLE!!!!!
And she’s like, “I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO GET ME ANOTHER SHIRT, BUT NOOOO AND NOW LOOK WHERE I AM. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT.”
And Sawyer grabs her hand, and he tells Kate to go and unhook a chain from around Juliet’s leg, and Kate kind of half-reaches and she’s like “Oh noooo” *yawn* “I can’t reach! I guess there’s nothing we can do…!” *files nails*
But then her hand starts to slip, and she knows it’s all over, and she’s all like “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH” and we’re like “You know I didn’t really care about Suliet until RIGHT NOW AND NOW MY HEART IS BREAKING, THANKS LOST!”
And she falls down the hole, and she’s crying and Sawyer’s crying, and half the audience is crying, and I’m sure Jack is crying, albeit unconsciously from the ground outside, and it’s all really sad!
HEY LOST, PLEASE STOP MAKING US WATCH PEOPLE HELPLESSLY DIE IN SLO-MO! ;___;
Meanwhile at the giant foot…
“All the Riccardus-es in the house say HOOOOO!”
Ilana: What lies in the shadow of the statue?
Richard: Ehay atthey illway eilverday usay omfray vileay!
“His Pig Latin is impeccable! He can be trusted! Richard, we have something to show you…hey guys! UnLocke that box! LOL did I just say Locke? I meant LOCK…”
And then they opened the box and something rolled out of it – IT WAS GODDAMN MOTHERFUNKING JOHN LOCKE ‘ALS;DF’;LASDKFL;’ADSK;L
OH LOST, NEVER CHANGE. SERIOUSLY.
So as it turns out, that guy that’s been leading everyone around, “talking to The Island” and wrangling up boar is nothing more than a Locke-a-Like!
And Sun’s all like, “If this is John Locke, then who’s in THERE?” and we’re all like, “And thank you, Yunjin Kim, for playing the role of Captain Obvious this season!”
So Ben and Mocke wander into Jacob’s rumpus room and take a look around, when from the corner they hear something…
“Oh, BRAVO, Guy in Black from the very beginning of this episode. Well done. You’ve found your loophole. But know this: You will rue the day you first set foot on this Island!”
“Hey Jake? Don’t tell me what I can’t rue.”
And meanwhile Ben/the entire audience is just like, “hhhWhat the…but…BUT…UM…DID WE MISS SOMETHING OR WHAT?”
But luckily for us, Ben caught on a little faster than we did!!
Ben: hhhhWHAT!? You two dicks KNOW each other? I’ve just ben a PWN IN YOUR SICK GAME??? ALL THIS TIME???
Mocke: Ah, the manipulator becomes the manipulatee!!
Jacob: Manipulatee? That sounds like a volcano or something LOL.
Mocke: Hahaha you’re right! Hilarious!
Ben: BOTH OF YOU JUST STFU! HHHWHAT DOES THIS MEAN? MY LIFE HAS BEEN A TOTAL SHAM? HHHHHWHAT ABOUT ME????
Jacob: hhhWhat about you?
Which broke Ben’s brain.
AND THEN BEN FREAKING STABBED JACOB IN THE HEART ALL NORMAN BATES STYLE!!!!! ‘F’;SLDFG’S;DKF;
You could almost hear the REE REE REE REE music playing in the background!
And then Mocke told Jacob to go and DIE IN A FIRE.
AND HE DID. But not before he was like, “THEY’RE COMING” and we’re all like WHO?? WHO IS THEY??? OMG.
Back in the 70′s…
Jack has somehow gotten back on his feet after being blindsided with a giant toolbox, and him and Kate are helping rip Sawyer away from the Hot Pocket, which is seriously about to turn into a black hole or some shit at this point.
And – SURPRISE!!!!! Juliet is still alive! She somehow survived that crazy fall!
What the hell…I was just having the weirdest dream…I dreamed that me and Sawyer were perfectly happy and then Jack and Kate showed up and managed to screw everything up within like 36 hours…
But unfortunately for Juliet, that wasn’t a dream. And she saw the undetonated bomb hanging out right next to her, so she grabbed a rock and started wailing on that thing as hard as she could, making the face that we’d all be making in about 20 seconds when we’d have to click the “OFF” button on our TV sets and live without Lost for another 8 months…
So ANYWAY she’s banging and banging on this thing and we’re wondering WTF is going on when all of the sudden….BAM. Everything faded…TO WHITE.
“Two players. Two sides. One is light, one is dark.” – John Locke, Pilot episode of Lost
To all those people who said the writers of this show make it all up as they go along: LOST. UR DOIN’ IT WRONG.