This week on Lost, Benry goes pyro, Sawyer attempts to be diplomatic, Sayid does what he does best, and Horace takes it to the next level.
Previously on Lost…
Mr. Eko was all like, “I helped my brother once, and it turned me into a Drug Lord/gangster/all around bad guy!”
And Charlie was all like, “I gave in to my brother once, and it turned me into a raging drug addict!”
And then Sayid was like, “I helped my brother once, and it turned me into a murdering TORCHURRA!!!!!”
And we were all like, “I get that your father was a ‘hard man’ but isn’t Baby Sayid a little young to be
killing things choking the chicken??”
So back in ’77, Baby Ben shows up with a chicken salad sandwich, his crazy eyes, and an agenda.
“Did Dick Alpert send you? You know, your leader? Kind of looks like Huck Finn if he used a little guyliner to…accentuate his features?”
“Well, listen. If you can hold out a while I’ll spring you outta here. Just be patient, see?”
“I’ll play your game, you rogue.”
And even though Little Ben is super cute, he still gets that POOT POOT BRRRUUUMMMP music right before the commercial break, so we know that he’s stil eveel. At least a little.
So we’re back in the USSR, and Sayid has reunited with his luger and his flat iron!
Russian Dude: But I thought you were one of the good guys!!!!
Sayid: Good, bad…I’m the guy with the gun.
In Soviet Russia, SAYID STILL PWNS YOU.
So after killing the dude, Sayid goes to meet Benry for a “Who’s the Biggest GQ-Looking Motherfucker” contest.
“I’ll no longer be needing your services. It’s been a pleasure having you in class. Mission accomplished. Keep in touch.”
“Wait a second, that’s it?? Just like that?? We’re done…PROFESSIONALLY?? And wtf are you wearing, did I just wander into Casablanca??”
“Hey, this is classy, is my fedora on straight? At least I’m not tarted up like some sort of German dominatrix. I guess I’m gonna go get a frappaccino or something if you want to come with. Here’s looking at you, kid. Heehee.”
So of course Sayid was like, “Well, now that I’m all done with my two year bloodbath of a killing spree, I think I’m going to go build some schools for poor children. Seems…logical.”
So then Horace is like, “Now look, mister. You’ve got to start giving us some answers, pronto.” And he takes out these crazy looking shears and we’re like OH NO THE TORCHURRA IS GONNA GET TORCHA-ED!
But since Horace is all hippie love child and shit, he just cut off his handcuffs!
But then he’s like, “I know I’m a hippie and all, but I’m v. srs about this, okay!? If you don’t start cooperating, I’m going to have to take it to…THE NEXT LEVEL…”
Horace: Look, the next level is hugs and oatmeal cookies! Don’t make me resort to that, Mr. Hostile! And you don’t even want to KNOW about our Dharma Tickle Chamber!
Sayid: Fucking amateur hour.
So Juliet’s staring out the window, watching Jack and Kate and kind of looking like the cover art for a Judy Blume novel.
“I never thought they’d come back. It’s all over, isn’t it? Us, playing house, everything? Sayid’s going to tell them everything, isn’t he?”
“Oh baby, don’t worry. We’re fine. Sayid ain’t saying anything. And everything will be cool between us. Until that Kate episode next week.”
*wishes she had freckles and a problem with authority*
So Horace comes running in and he’s all like, “We have a problem with the prisoner. We may have to resort to…THE NEXT LEVEL.”
“Not the Tickle Chamber!”
“I’m afraid so.”
So Sawyer tells Horace to give him one last shot with the “Hostile” and maybe they won’t have to resort to cookies and hugs.
“How you doing?”
“A 12-year-old Ben Linus just brought me a chicken salad sandwich. How do you think I’m doing?”
Sawyer: Look dude, just say you defected from the Hostiles and come and join Team Dharmaville! It’s not all that bad! We can get you a position torchurra-ing shrubs and bushes into submission! We’ve actually been looking for a gardener.
Sayid: I wouldn’t touch your bush with my 10-foot pole!
Sawyer: DUDE DO IT, OR ELSE THEY’RE GONNA EQUINIZE YA!
Sayid actually got scared for a second!! “What do you mean?? Equinize?? Does that mean they’ll horsewhip me or something???”
“They’re gonna tie you to a tree and feed you sugar cubes!!”
*pretends to still be scared while secretly imagining himself pwning everyone and Cabbage Patching his way over to Hostile Land*
So in what I can only call a “given,” Hurley is now the Dharma Chef!
Hurley: Hello there, children!
Jack & Kate: HEY, CHEF!
“So news around the bug juice cooler is that Sawyer and Juliet are sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
*chokes on waffle*
“You were in that house last night. Were you planning on divulging that little tidbit of info any time soon, darling?”
“Um Kate, listen! I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something…let’s work it out. Lover.”
Aaaand I’ve made a huge mistake.
So of course the Love Paralellogram got a little bit more tilty.
So Sayid’s lounging, letting his hairy chesticles breathe…
When that asshole Roger Work Man comes in and tries to get him all riled up!!
“Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to EVERYone! Yo momma so fat she’s on BOTH sides of the family!!”
But then Baby Benry came into the room with a delicious new sandwich for Sayid, and his dad got all pissy about it!!
Ben: Dad I brought this sandwich for you…
Roger: I SAID I WANTED FUCKING RYE.
Ben: All we had was wheat….
Roger: AND CHOCOLATE PUDDIN’! SWISS MISS IS MY HO.
It was hard to watch! Even Sayid got a little farklempt about it!
But then Ben pays a little visit to Pwnmanitarian Worker Sayid in Costa Rica…
Which in no way resembles Hawaii at all…
Sayid: How did you find me?
Benry: I followed the trail of dead girlfriends.
Sayid: What do you want?
Benry: “Someone” murdered Locke! And “he’s” about to “murder” Hurley! You’ve got to “do something” about this!
Sayid: Stop doing those quotey fingers! My answer is no. I am killing nothing but poverty these days.
Ben noticed that Sayid was wearing his Torcha Scrunchie, but he went ahead with his plan anyway. “Well pin a rose on your nose. I guess I had you wrong, Sayid. I thought you LIKED killing people. Not to say that I personally don’t also like killing people. Oh well. It’s your beeswax, not mine. Toodles.”
This made Sayid so angry that he was like, “I’ll show him! I’ll prove to Ben Linus that I’m not a killer…BY KILLING HIM!”
Sawyer: This is your last chance, will you just join us?
Sayid: No. But please…don’t taze me, bro.
And then Sayid spontaneously orgasmed and fell to the ground just from talking that close to Sawyer’s face!!!
So they take him out to the jungle where this teepee living mofo walks out and he’s all, “Hi, I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl. Now tie him up, especially his feet. I don’t need his toes in my sinus cavities, thx.”
Sayid: Who are these Darryls he speaks of? Who is this guy?
Sawyer: He’s our you.
Sayid: *lol episode title*
Sawyer: This is serious business, Sayid! This guy’s about to torture you!
Sayid: So let it be done. This is what I deserve. Karma and all.
And instead of shoving some bamboo shoots under his abnormally long fingernails or chopping off some of his toes, he shoves a sugar cube covered in Veritaserum into his mouth!
“NOOOO!!!!! I’M A DIABETIC!!!!!!!!”
“Look, I’m a bounty hunter here to drag you onto a plane to Guam. But you’re rich and hot. So I say we have some of that rich guy Scotch and talk about our ninja moves before moving upstairs to have some hot assassin-on-bounty-hunter relations.”
“Indubitably. Although I should warn you that sex with me has a 100% mortality rate.”
So Sayid is high as a kite on this ~*truth serum*~ that Oldham just happened to have laying around in his teepee.
“Yummmm, I can taste colors! There are….there are five different kinds of chairs in this room….”
“Now, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you…”
“Do your worst, you scoundrel!”
“Now tell me – what is your name, son?”
“Hahaha wait, this is your torture?”
“Just tell us what we need to know or else…or else we’ll have to bring you to the TICKLE CHAMBER!!!!”
“LOLOL OH, THIS IS RICH. TORTURE? YOU WANT TO KNOW TORTURE? HEY SAWYER! SAWYERRR!!! TELL THEM ABOUT THE BAMBOO SHOOTS, SAWYER!”
And Sawyer’s like ready to puke and under his breath he’s like *coughOMGSTFUcough*
And then Sayid started channeling Desmond!! “You know what?? DHARMA PEOPLE, YA ALL GONNA DY-EE!!!”
“And how do you know that?”
“Because! I’M FROM THA FEW-CHAH, BROTHAH!!!”
“That’s it. Forget the Tickle Chamber, he’s going straight into the Puppy Cubbyhole.”
*is actually lizzing (half laughing, half wizzing)* “THIS IS THE BEST TORTURE EVER!!!!! *insane laugh* WHY SO SERIOUS, DHARMA GUYS??”
“I’m hoping that if I just keep this smile plastered across my face you won’t figure out that I’d just love to tear that lovely hair out of your pretty little head!”
“Bring it on, bitch!!”
LOL so remember that episode of The Office when Pam and Karen actually started hanging out, and Jim kept looking over from his desk at them talking and laughing together and he looked like he was about to barf?
This is just like that except way worse because HELLO? TIME TRAVEL AND CHILD ABANDONMENT INVOLVED, PEOPLE! Sawyer does NOT need those two swapping stories, amiright?
So then there’s this meeting of the Wizengamot where all the top Dharma guys are deciding whether or not to vote Sayid off The Island. In the most permanent way possible.
And Horace is actually a pretty good guy, he seems fair and thoughtful, and we’re kind of thinking, “You know, this guy ain’t half bad!”
Until we are reminded that he’s actually the father of Mr. Hell Spawn Ethan Rom!! And that these people actually agree to kill Sayid because Amy is all, “My baby isn’t safe around him” and we’re like LOL YOU ARE NOT SAFE AROUND YOUR BABY, LADY.
But anyway, Sawyer falls to peer pressure and votes for Sayid’s execution too. He’ll go help with that, right after he starts smoking because his friends are doing it and then jumping off a bridge with everyone else.
And then, you know, since it’s a Sayid episode, we had to see whatever chick he’s with pull a gun on him or whatever.
“I’m cuffing you and taking you to Guam. Although let it be known that I would not be opposed to a quickie in the airport bathroom.”
“Look, I don’t know why I couldn’t have just done this from the get go, but let’s say you escaped and I’ll lay here and act unconscious.”
“Nah bro, I’m cool. I’m just gonna hang out here.”
“They all just voted to kill you! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?? I don’t think you really want to just sit here and wait to die!”
“Unfortunately for us both, you ah rrrrrong. I know why I came back here. I have a destiny in this realm.”
So Sawyer runs over to Kate’s house because HELLO THEY’RE ABOUT TO KILL SAYID.
“Sayid was just talking about his destiny and why he came back – I need to know – WHY did you all come back here?”
“Well, I don’t know why they came back, I just know why I did.”
“Well I wanted to…I didn’t realize that you and Jul…I just…I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.”
But Sawyer didn’t catch that last part because GOODNESS GRACIOUS, GREAT VANS OF FIRE!!!!!
And of course such a brilliant diversion could have only been thought up by one Benjamin “I look exactly like Harry Potter” Linus, who must not have learned “Occulus Reparo” at wizard school yet.
Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe
BENRY STARTED THE FIY-AH!
“I hate it here! I hate my dad!”
“Look, kid. This is Lost. If you didn’t have daddy issues you’d have been killed off a long time ago like all the others. Daddy issues mean job security, so no whimpering, okay?”
“Yes, sir. *sniff* Now if I break you out of here, will you take me to Richard Alpert and his band of Merry Men?”
“Yes, Benjamin. And please, stop crying and being so adorable and emotionally tortured. It’s going to make it much harder to murd…I mean…SAVE YOU if you keep this up.”
So AnNOT-Lucia and Sayid are at the airport waiting for their flight to “Guam” when Sayid starts noticing something verrry fishy is going on. Kate, Hurley, Jack, and Sun are all there too!!
Sayid: Who does Number 2 work for???
AnNot-Lucia: I have no idea what you’re talking about!
Sayid: DO YOU WORK FOR BENJAMIN LINUS?? WHO DOES NUMBER 2 WORK FOR??????
“I’m gonna show that turd who’s boss!”
So Little Ben is running through the jungle with Sayid, and he’s like “COME ON MISTER, WE HAVE PRECIOUS LITTLE TIME!”
And of course Jin just happens to pull up right then, and Sayid just happens to totally knock him unconscious with one swift karate chop, and he just happens to pick up his gun…and then Mr. “I Don’t Like Killing” went and shot a 12-year-old kid!!!!!!! :O
Although in his defense, he didn’t really seem like he enjoyed it all that much.
But SPOILER ALERT: OBVIOUSLY BEN ISN’T DEAD LOL.
And anyway, he’s just conversing with Dumbledore at King’s Cross station at the moment, right?