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On this week’s Lost, Sawyer lays a smackdown, Sun looks at some old photos, Benry holds the mustard, and the Dharma Initiative leaves us all wondering, “Nama-what?”
“Hell YES we’d like to help you build a runway for no apparent reason out here in the middle of nowhere! Woo!”
“Make it work!”
“And that’s when I say to Zack Morris, ‘Look dude, I don’t want to be stealing your girl’ and Kelly Kapowski gives me this hug and then Screech does this dance…”
“You were seriously on Saved by the Bell?”
“IMDB that shit, bee-otch.”
So then the plane starts going MENTAL and flopping around in the sky and Frank “I Can Land Anything” La Penis is all “JUST HUNKER DOWN, IT AIN’T NO THANG!”
And then this co-pliot dude is like, “OH WOW LOOK, THERE JUST HAPPENS TO BE A RUNWAY OUT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE JUNGLE FOR NO APPARENT REASON!”
And using the most up-to-date video game graphics [for 1997], the plane touched down!
But then he started going, “I’m a leaf on the wind” and we’re like OH NO NOT THAT but by then it was too late.
The dude was a Pilot-kebob.
And then Frank and Sun practiced their “I’M SHITTING MY PANTS RIGHT NOW” faces for later on in the episode, and they’re like “Oh no where are the others??”
Ben: The Others?
Frank and Sun: No, not The Others, just the others!
Ben: The other Others?
Frank and Sun: NO, just you know, the others!
Ben: I’m sorry, you’re going to have to be a little more descriptive.
30 Years Earlier…
So Hurley, Kate, Jack, Sawyer, and Jin are having an altogether adorable reunion back in ’77.
And Hurley and Sawyer shared a very bromantic hug!
And Jack’s like “Sorry, I’m just gonna shake your hand. I practice drugs, not hugs.”
Kate: Hello Sawy…James!
Sawyer: Hello Freck…Kate!
Kate: Wow, you must be really happy to see me…?
Sawyer: That’s just a hard salami I was saving for lunch.
And Jack’s thinking, Wow, this is awkward. I don’t think it could GET any more awkward than this. Yeesh.
And we’re like LOL don’t worry, don’t worry. OF COURSE IT GETS MORE AWKWARD.
“I didn’t want any tearful hugs, by the way. I’m cool just standing here.”
“So guys, what the hell have you been up to?? I’ve been good, joined the Dharma Initiative a few years ago, back in ’74, good pay, decent benefits package. Got myself a cute lady, not gonna mention any names, but she’s a good woman. Been reading some books, you know, same old shit, different decade.”
“Well, what have I been up to? Just kind of kicking around, growing a beard, perjuring myself in court, losing my medical license. Ummm what else? Got myself a Land Rover and a denim jacket…uuuuummmm, did some Speed Jating, had a thing for a while with a single mom and her kid, but it didn’t work out. Took a buttload of Xanax.”
“…hmmm, what else have I..been…up…to…”
“Just you know, workin’ on my daddy issues, going to Locke’s funeral, and um, hm, I saw Dreamgirls like 6 times in the theaters, um, flying around a lot. Found out I have a sister. And oh yeah, we fell out of a plane a few minutes ago. Sayid was there, ya know. OH and La Penis!”
“…Oh yeah and that guy that was on Saved by the Bell! OHHH and this French guy, and this woman that looked like Ana-Lucia. AND OH OH and Ben too. So that was about it.”
Jack: And I had chicken on the flight over. Not bad. A little dry.
Everyone else: …
Jack: OH WAIT, did I forget to say Sun was on the plane too?
Jin: *runs away, leaving cloud of cartoon dust in his wake*
Juliet: What’s going on, James?
Sawyer: They came back!!
Juliet: Surely you can’t be serious!
Sawyer: I am very serious! And please, don’t call me James!
Juliet: Jesus, just make with the telling what happened already!
Sawyer: Well, Jack’s been growing a beard…
*10 minutes go by*
Sawyer: …and his chicken on the plane was dry. Oh and Sun was on the plane. And I think we should break up. I mean..no. Forget about that last part.
So the poor man’s Paul Giamatti is hanging out at The Flame…
*humming to himself*
♫ You’ve gotta make your own kind of music, sing you own special song ♫
And we’re all like WOW THAT SURE LOOKS LIKE DESMOND’S HATCH! And it turns out THAT’S RADZINSKY! And at first we’re all like WOW AWESOME, until he opens his mouth and turns out to be the World’s Biggest Ball Bag!
So Jin roughs him up and tells him he has to find the plane that supposedly just crashed on The Island!! OR ELSE!!
So back in 2007, Frank is gathering all the plane people together on the beach!
“Last week most of us were strangers, but we’re all here now. And god knows how long we’re going to be here…”
“…but if we can’t live together, we’re going to die…you know what? Screw this. If anyone needs me I’ll be in Margaritaville.”
So French Guy comes out of the jungle, yelling about how he found buildings and animal cages and whatnot.
“Something smells, how you say, verrrry fishy! And also verrrry biscuity!”
“LOL n00bs! Aaaaand that’s my cue! Exit, stage right!” *scurries away*
Ben: Why are you following me?
Sun: Why are you following me?
Ben: What are you doing out here?
Sun: What are you doing out here?
Ben: Stop doing that.
Sun: Stop doing that.
“Come on, Sun. Let’s go play with my dinghy.”
“Amy, your baby is adorable! Have you and Horace decided on a name yet?”
“Yeah, we’re going to name him Ethan! And he’s going to take my maiden name, Rom. The Goodspeed name is just too ridiculous to continue on.”
“OHHHH. GREEEEAT. Great name. Just…super. I’m sure he’ll go on to live a very long and…not…insanely creepy life. Alright then. I’m just gonna go. Maybe wash my hands.”
“When that Mrs. Hawking chick told you we had to come back here, did she ever mention coming back to the 70′s??”
“Well, she did mention something about Hustling, but I thought she just meant we had to hurry up.”
“Now listen up, campers. It’s 1977. Jimmy Carter’s president, Elvis is still alive, the first Star Wars came out last month, and for god’s sake, don’t accidentally say you want to Google anything. It’ll earn ya some mighty strange looks.”
“I know this isn’t what y’all expected, but it’s either pretend you just came here on the Dharma Submarine, or else you’ll be camping out in the jungle for the next 6 months.”
“Jack, you can’t camp out here, sleeping outside flares up your Irritable Bowel Syndrome. You know that.”
“Thank you, Kate. For keeping that secret. I am not regretting sharing that information with you at all.”
So Jin’s waiting around The Flame for Radzinsky to get his shit together when the Hostile-B-Gone alarm goes off! He runs out into the jungle and instead of finding Manscara or maybe even Sun, he finds…SAYID!
“Oh thank GOD, Jin! My old friend! I think I hit my head when I fell out of the sky, I am rather confused! Why am I handcuffed? And how are you still alive? Come and give your old pal Sayid a hug!”
But Jin hears Radzinsky coming, so he points his rifle at Sayid!
“PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND KEEP YOUR FEET WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!”
“Et tu, Jin-Soo?”
Hurley: So are you gonna try and save all the Dharma people from getting killed in the future?
Sawyer: I ain’t here to play Nostradamus, Hugo. Plus, Faraday told us that according to his theory, if we change anything that goes on here we’ll rip apart the space/time continuum, and everything in the universe will cease to exist, its molecular structure torn asunder!!!
Hurley: Sounds pretty heavy.
Sawyer: Weight has nothing to do with it.
“Mr. LaFleur, can I go to the bathroom?”
“Just hold tight another minute there, Champ.”
So then Jack (decked out in his hot little Bobby Brady outfit), Kate, Hurley, and Sawyer all go to Dharma Initiative’s Backyard
BBQ OMGWTFBBQ for New Recruits!
And Jack and Hurley and Kate are all getting lei’d…and the Lost writers are all like “DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, KIDS??”
Lost Writers: IT’S SKATE O’CLOCK!
Jaters: *watching American Idol*
And Jack was thinking, WOW and I thought it was awkward on the beach, this definitely can’t get any MORE awkward.
And we’re like LOL BE PATIENT, BE PATIENT.
Then Jin calls in on the walkie talkie and he’s like “Mr. LaFleur, sir, I’ve got a situation out here at The Flame. Over.”
Sawyer: What’s the situation out there, Jinger? Over.
Jin: We’ve got a 14J, Code Purple. Over.
Sawyer: Wait, 14J, is that polar bear in the picnic area again? Over.
Jin: No sir, this is a 14J CODE PURPLE, sir. Over.
Sawyer: Ah no, Code PURPLE? The Pwnda Bear has left the tree??? Over.
Jin: The Pwnda Bear is in captivity, sir. And Radzinsky is about to feed him the…bamboo, sir. Over.
Sawyer: SON OF A BITCH. OVER.
Meanwhile, Benry and Sun are gallivanting through the jungle on the way to Benry’s dinghy when they run into La Penis!
“Hey Frank, want to join us? Once we get to The Other side of The Island we’re going to make some Ovaltine and Fluffernutter sandwiches!”
“Sun, you trust this guy? It sounds a little too good to be true.”
“Come with us, Frank. We’ve got lots of tequila and all the Beer Nuts you can eat.”
And then, since his arm had healed all of 45 seconds ago, Ben went and got injured again!
Sun lulled him to sleep using an ancient Oar-iental technique!
“Bizzang!! Here comes THE SUN! Ow ow!!”
“Let’s go, Frank. The Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away.”
“Welcome to the Dharma Initiative, Jack. I’m P.F. Chang. According to your aptitude test, you’ll really shine as a janitor. I know you used to be a doctor, but you treated your patients like shit, so it’s fitting.”
“Now Dharma Suit up! It’s plungin’ time!”
*is actually rendered speechless for the first time in 92 episodes*
Meanwhile, Kate – who has used more aliases than Sydney Bristow – is apparently also at a loss for words.
“My name’s Monica. No wait, my name’s not Monica, my name’s Annie. No. My name’s not Annie. My name’s Abbey. No, wait…”
“Hiiii, I think I can help here, you’re Skank That’s About to Ruin My Life, aren’t you?”
“Ah, yes! That’s it! Hit the nail right on the head. And you must be Poor Sucker That Is Going to Get Dumped for Me Again! Nice to meet you for the first time!”
“Eat shit and die, Kate!”
“Right back at ya, pretty lady!”
“Who sent you? Who do you work for? Where were you on the night of November 22, 1963!??”
“I…but…I wasn’t born until 1967!!”
“I’m not buying your jive, Huggy Bear. You’re the goddamned ugliest 10-year-old…” *WINK* “…I’ve ever seen.”
“I…uh…I want my mommy.”
So now Sun and Frank are out in the jungle, and the wind is howling, and the whispers are all around them, and doors are creaking, and it’s all very Blair Witchy. Thank god they had practiced their “I Just Shit Myself” faces earlier in the day!
And all of the sudden this creepy motherfucker just shows up in the door as it opens BY ITSELF ‘a;ldksfl;ksdfl;’ads
“Ohhh hey there, kids! I’m Christian, nice to meet ya. Sorry about the dark, I was just playing Flashlight Tag with my friend Jacob.”
So then Sun asked Christian where she could find Jin, and Christian’s like UR HUSBAND, LET ME SHOW U HIM!
Except Jin wasn’t in that picture LOL. BUT SHE GOT THE IDEA.
“…isn’t it weird that no one noticed this the entire time we were living here in Otherville? I mean…RIGHT??”
Back in ’77, they’re posing for the picture Jin’s not in! Now they’re truly Dharma Chameleons, seamlessly blending into their surroundings.
“I was told there would be punch and pie?”
Jin wasn’t in the photo because he was too busy hauling the Pwnda Bear into his new enclosure – the jail cell!
Sayid’s convinced that he’s hallucinating all of this, the bump on the head he got when he fell out the plane MUST be to blame.
“Sawyer, what is happening to me? Don’t you remember your old friend Sayid? Think of all the good times we had together! Me and you, fighting The Others! Me and you, hanging out in the hatch! Me and you, play torcha in the jungle over Shannon’s inhalers! COME ON!!!!”
“Will you calm down? I just winked at you. That means you’re safe. Keep cool mah babeh!!”
So after a long day of barbecuing Hurley Birds, eating coconut ice cream, and kicking P.F. Chang’s ass in the potato sack races, Jack goes to have a little chat with “Jim.”
And we’re like, “Hey Jack, we told you to be patient. Now all that patience will pay off. Prepare yourself for…THE AWKWARD DOME. TWO MEN ENTER! ONE MAN LEAVES!”
So Juliet answers the door to Jim’s house, and she’s like “O HAYYY JACK…So nice to see you…”
And Matthew Fox fulfills the “Must Cry At Least Once In Every Freaking Episode” clause of his contract!
So then Juliet leaves to get Jack and Sawyer a ruler.
Let the Sawyer Smackdown Begin!
“Hello there, Doc. Somethin’ got your panties in a twist?”
“Who, me? Oh no. No, no. I just wanted to come and see what our game plan was.”
Sawyer: The plan is that tomorrow morning you’re going to get up and mop the cafeteria floor until I can see my dimples reflected in it.
Sawyer: DID I STUTTER?
Jack: Well…what….what about Sayid? How are we going to save him?
“WE? Save him?? You don’t save anyone, Jackass, you just get people killed.”
“Ummmm I’m a hero, okay? I got us off this island!! SO THERE!” *starts singing Enrique Iglesias* I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away your pain!
“Yeah, because all heroes carry around a box of Kleenex in case they burst into tears at any moment. And leaving The Island? That was obviously a genius move because you’re right back here again!”
“UM, LOOK. I’M GOOD ENOUGH, I’M SMART ENOUGH, AND DOGGONE IT, PEOPLE LIKE ME.”
“You’re a controlling, self righteous, pompous drama queen that cries more than a 15-year-old PMS-ing girl watching Terms of Endearment! BOOM. ROASTED.”
[The entire east coast can hear Ack screaming with glee]
“Look Doc, I’m the Sheriff in this town. Y’all best get used to it.”
So Jack leaves El Casa de Sawyer, planning his absolutely SCATHING Tweet about all this, not realizing the internet wouldn’t be around for another couple decades.
And then, as if we needed reminding, the Lost writers made sure that we knew:
a.) That Kate and Sawyer just HAPPENED to be neighbors, and
b.) That it was still Skate o’clock despite the fact that it was now night time.
Then this creepy kid with crazy eyes kid shows up holding a paper bag at Sayid’s cell.
“If that’s a severed head, I’m going to be very upset.”
“I made you a delicious ham sandwich. I hope you like it. What is your name, friend?”
“My name is Sayid Jarrah. And I am a torchurra. What is your name?”
“My name is Benry Linus. And I’m…the Antichrist.”