This week on Lost we get many of our of our favorite D Words: Daddy issues, Dead guys, Dharma Initiative, Drunks, Darth Vader, and Daniel!!
So first we see that lady who was schtupping PF Chang on The Island, and ~*shocker*~ – she’s Miles’ mom!
“My son is very quiet unless he is communicating with the dead. No worries. Go and play, Miles! No running or talking to any strange
Cue Baby Miles freaking out! No we know that he didn’t acquire Adult-Onset Ghost Whispering abilities, he’s been doing that shit since back in the day!
It was only later that he decided he ain’t afraid of no ghosts.
“So listen Miles, after you erase the tapes of me and Kate Benrynapping, I want you to make sure this episode is classic Lost, okay? I think you know what to do. Make me proud.”
“You got it boss, I know exactly what I gotta do. I’ve been waiting for this! I won’t let you down!”
“Little guy’s been on the show for 2 years and he’s finally getting his own episode. It’s kind of cute how much he wants to fit into one hour, but we’ll let him run with it.”
So then Horace comes into the station with a secret mission and some wonderful hippie ideals!!
Horace: Miles, with the knowledge you’ve been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call… “the Dharma Family Circle of Trust.” I keep nothing from you, you keep nothing from me… and round and round we go.
Miles: Are you a pothead, Focker?
Horace: Seriously? Have you seen my hair? If that’s not a resounding YES I don’t know what is.
So Miles does what he’s told and drives out to meet that dick Radzinsky in the jungle!
Radzinsky: Deliver this ~*package*~ to Horace, mmkay?
Miles: I know I’m not supposed to ask any questions, but seriously…
“…is that skinny Hurley?? WTF!?”
After making up some crazy excuse about a gun-wielding ditch, Radzinsky leaves to continue his dickery elsewhere. And then of course Miles worked his Ghostbuster mojo and found out what REALLY happened, even if he didn’t have his crazy vacuum suitcase thingy with him.
So Miles is all pumped up about finally having his own episode, and he doesn’t want to disappoint Jimbo LaFleur, so he just goes balls to the wall and fills it will every Classic Lost Moment (CLM) ever!!
“I’m here to visit my dying mother (CLM #1) because I have major daddy issues (CLM#2) while wearing an amazingly bad flashback wig (CLM #3)!!”
And we’re all like WOW BANGARANG, PETER PAN!!!
He’s like “Look mom I don’t care if it’s your dying wish for me to change it, I’m leaving my hair this way. I’m just really into Prodigy. NOW TELL ME WHO MY FATHER IS.”
And Mrs. PF Chang (who is unfortunately wearing the worst flashback wig of all time) is like, “Ahh, father. Powerful Jedi was he. Powerful Jedi. But also a d-bag. A dead d-bag. And don’t even think about talking to his corpse, young man. His body is in a place long ago, in a galaxy far, far away.”
“Man mom, why you gotta waste mah flavor!?”
So Miles is informed by
Focker Horace that he’s got to bring Skinny Hurley to The Orchid – to PF Chang! Luckily he won’t have to go alone. Regular Hurley was planning on handing out some food (CLM #4) – actually, HAM SANDWICHES (CLM #5) – and so he’s down for a little Dharma van road trip (CLM #6)!! He was even cool with the fact that Miles was on a secret mission (CLM #7)!
Hurley promised he would keep the secret, although in no time he was innocently letting tidbits of info slip out, much to the mission leader’s chagrin (CLM #8)!
After dropping Ben off with the Immortal Babysitter at the Rape Caves, Kate came back to thank Juliet for her help.
Kate: Thanks for sending Sawyer out there to help me, I couldn’t have done it without him.
Juliet: No probl…actually, it’s Jim now.
Kate: Oh, right…Jim.
Juliet: He sniffs flowers now, too. Just so you know.
Kate: He never struck me as a flower sniffer.
Juliet: He also makes a mean lemon poppy seed muffin.
But then this female bonding was interrupted by Roger Work Man, whose suspicions were as high as his blood alcohol level!
“YOU MEAN SOMEONE TOOK MAH SON RIGHT OUTTA YOUR HANDS ??? MAH BOY!!! MAH BOY!!!! (CLM #9)”
And then Juliet lied to cover up something The Others had done (CLM #10)!!
She told Roger to calm down and maybe have a drink or 10 to relax, while Kate stood by and figured out ways she could accidentally eff this whole scenario up (CLM #11).
“Dude, how do you spell ‘Tauntaun’ ?”
Hurley figures out there’s a dead guy in the back of van thanks to his Death Stink, and Miles makes him promise he won’t tell ANYONE about what he saw!
Miles: You must unlearn what you have learned.
Hurley: Ohhh right *scribbles something down in his notepad*
Us: *LOL Star Wars*
So Miles tells Hurley that the dead guy didn’t die from a gun-wielding ditch, but a filling in his mouth got ripped right out of his head!! And that’s why you always floss twice a day, kids. To avoid Death By Filling. Apparently the Dharma Dental coverage doesn’t include exploded brains.
Then Hurley calls Miles on being able to talk to dead guys, but he’s not freaked out because HE talks to/ocassionally plays board games with dead people too!
So Miles makes a house visit for some dude who is experiencing some Daddy Issues (CLM #2) vicariously through his dead son!
Problem is, the kid was cremated. No body = no ghost whispering. But Miles, always the humanitarian, took the guy’s money anyway!
Guy: I love mah dead gay son!
Miles: Grrreat. Now repeat after me: Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
This guy was so amazed by Miles’ Miss Cleo psychic connection that he actually looked like an emoticon!!!
On his way out, he ran into wigged out Naomi, a blast from Lost seasons past (CLM #12)!
Naomi: ‘ello guvnah!
Miles: …what do you want, lady?
Naomi: My boss sent me to recruit you for your skills, and I don’t mean witty one liners and/or stealing money from mourning fathers. Come with me.
Miles: Okay, but only cause you’re very high on the stroke-ability scale.
Roger’s sitting there on the swingset like the crazy homeless dude that scares kids out of the park at sunset, and Kate goes and inadvertently makes things go from kind of bad to MUCH worse by trying to help (CLM #13)!! She’s just there trying to make Roger Work Man feel better about his damn kid going missing!
Roger: Maybe I can find mah boy at the bottom of one of these cans…
Kate: *cracks open beer* I wouldn’t worry about Ben. I mean I know a few hours ago I was like giving him my blood and all, but just chill, Rog.
Roger: Maybe he…ran away. It’s kind of a “fuck you” to the old man, I guess.
Kate: Nahhh I bet someone took him, but for good reasons.
Roger: And why would you think that?
“I just have this feeling, you know? But everything will work out. I bet Ben will come back and grow up to have lots of bunnies and lackies and weird hair and delicious baked hams.”
But thanks to the 815 beers Roger had drank during the course of this 2 minute conversation, he was starting to feel like maybe Kate was more creepy than helpful.
“YA WANNA HELP, KATE? HOW ABOUT TAKIN’ YOUR TOP OFF? AND BRING ME A FUCKING SANDWICH. I THREW THE LAST ONE ON THE FLOOR.”
So by now Miles and Hurley have gotten to The Orchid and they’re having a little run-in with the local authorities!! PF Chang is being a total dick!
“Dude I won’t say anything about the body, okay? I’m just here to deliver some delicious ham sandwiches.”
“That’s right. And if you breathe a word of this with that big fuzzy mouth of yours to anyone you’ll go from being Hurley: Chef to Hurley: Polar Bear Turdburglar faster than you can say FISHBISCUITS.”
Hurley: Wow that guy’s a total douchebag.
Miles: That douchebag is my dad.
And then we were all like “lol that’s what they could have named this entire series, no?” That Douchebag is My Dad: coming this fall to ABC.
But apparently PF Chang heard what the guys were saying because he swung back around and was like, “Douchebags are hygienic products; I take that as a compliment.”
So Naomi tells Miles he’s got to audition to be part of her expedition. She uncovers a dead guy and lets Miles do his thing!
“His name is Felix…he was delivering a package to a guy named Widmore….all neckerchiefs and fake beards…I see lots of Dockers and a guy with magnificent eyelashes…”
Naomi was totally impressed despite the fact that she couldn’t hear much through her wig.
Naomi: Come with me on the expedition. We need someone who can talk to ghosts, and Sylvia Browne is too busy trying to crawl back out of Montel Williams’ ass.
Miles: I’m not going with you, I’ve got integrity!! I’ve got self-respect! I’ve got THINGS to do!!
Naomi: If you come with me, you’ll have $1.6 million.
Miles: I’ve got…to pack!
Hurley: Marvin Candle? Edgar Halliwax? Are they a stage names? If he was in a porno would he have to be Toby Wick-Dipper?
Hurley: So…how did you figure out that hygienic product was your dad??
Miles explained that he saw his mom in line at the Dharmaville cafeteria when they first got there! CRAZY.
“I figured out when I ‘d be conceived, and even though I knew I shouldn’t, I kind of wandered passed their house that night? Dude – the noises were so disturbing that I barfed up my bean sprouts right then and there.”
Janitor Jack is in the classroom erasing the Egyptian shit on the chalkboard, chilling with his Windex and broken dreams, when he gets a visit from your favorite Cirrhosis Patient in Training and mine, Roger Work Man!
Roger: Hey, Idiot!
Jack: *turns around*
Roger: Heh. I said idiot and you turned around.
Roger tells Janitor Jack all about how Kate is super creepy now!! “She was sayin’ my kid was gonna come back and end up have bunnies and baked hams! I may have hated my kid to begin with, but he better not be no homo or else I’ll tan his hide once he recovers from his bullet wound!!”
“How progressive of you!! Look I’m sure your kid is fine. Now let’s have a Douche-Off. The winner gets to awkwardly flirt with Kate.”
Now that they were all together, Hurley decided he’d pull a Dr. Phil and attempt to do a little family counseling!
“Well, we already know you’re both selfish pricks, what else do you know about one another?”
Miles: We don’t really travel in the same circles.
Chang: I wasn’t aware of any circles. Except Horace’s Circle of Trust. I’ve been trying to get in on that shit since ’68.
Hurley: Um, let’s start off simple, do you like music?
“Well, I’m a little bit country…”
“…and I’m a little bit rock and roll. At least I was in the late 90′s when I went by the name Firestarter. Did I say ’90′s? Um…nevermind.”
So after opening a secret door (CLM #14) they drive PF Chang over to this construction site, they’re about to drive away when Hurley is just like OHHHH NO. OH NO NO NO.
CLANG CLANG CLANG GO THE NUMBERS (CLM #15)!!!! DUDE, THEY WERE BUILDING THE HATCH (CLM #16)!!! D’SLFKAS;DLFK’S;LD
Of course Hurley is a little freaked out and Miles is all like “What the hell, bro?” and Hurley’s like “This hatch crashed our plane! Just add one drunk Scottish guy and and some Mama Cass records and the rest is history, brothah!!”
So Miles is just minding his own business and eating a fish taco, the food most appreciated by 13-year-old boys, when out of nowhere these dudes in a van pull up and ask him to get in!!
“No way, I watch enough SVU to know to stay out here, thanksverymuch.”
Of course they grab him anyway, throw him in the van, and start grilling him!!
“Hi there, Miles. My name’s Bram, and these are my associates Sharon and Lois. You may remember me from such television programs as Dexter and October Road. Now that we’re all introduced, WHAT LIES IN THE SHADOW OF THE STATUE!?!??!?!”
And the more astute watchers of Lost are like WAIT A MINUTE I TOTALLY SAW THIS GUY ON THE BEACH WITH ANNOT-LUCIA A FEW WEEKS AGO!!!
Sooo anyway this guy is telling Miles that no amount of money will fill the void in his heart where his Daddy Issues reside (CLM #2) and so he should join Team Sharon Lois and Bram!
But Miles is all, “There’s no ‘I’ in team, and ‘I’ is all I care about!” They tell him their team is gonna win and Team Widmore’s going to lose, and toss him out of the van into the street.
After all that, one thing was clear – Miles’ hole couldn’t be “filled” by a big brutish guy. He’s not “playing for their team.” He prefers fish tacos instead.
“Would it be weird if you changed your own diaper? What if you like, babysat yourself and let yourself stay up really late and microwave marshmallows until they exploded and watch scary movies because you know that’s totally what you’d want to do when you were a kid? You’d be like the best babysitter ever because you’d know exactly what you wanted because it’d be YOU. Awesome.”
Hurley tells Miles that he should get to know his dad better – and to prove how mature and well-adjusted he was, Miles stole Hurley’s journal!
“Fury fists?? Rawwwwrrr? You’re writing Empire?? What’s this on page 59??”
And inside Hurley’s notebook it’s like…
Lando: You look absolutely beautiful. You truly belong here with us among the clouds.
Princess Leia: Thank you.
Lando: *cracks open Colt 45* It works every time.
So then Sawyer comes home after a long day of kidnapping and general mayhem and he’s like, “You ever have one of those days when you feel like a Dutch boy with your finger in a…”
“…DOC?” (I’d like to give the writers of this episode 2 snaps around the world for that line.)
Jack tells Sawyer how Miss Austen really Kated things up this afternoon by getting Roger Work Man in a Dharma beer-induced tizzy. Rogers knows she was involved in Benry’s kidnapping!
And then right on cue Phil shows up with one of those old fashioned GIANT video tapes!! He knows LaFleur was the one who took Ben! But since he’s a decent guy, he figured he’d let Jimbo do some ‘splainin before he went and ratted him out.
And since Sawyer is Sawyer, he knocked Phil out cold with one punch (CLM #17) and then uttered the words all Sawyer fangirls long to hear – “Get some rope!”
And then we found out that Miles, on occasion, does in fact have a heart! At least a teeny weeny one that felt bad for stealing that guy’s money!
But since his heart was still only the size of a lima bean, he reminded the guy that he was a crappy father! Such a sweetheart.
Miles: Which did you like better? Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Hurley: Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader’s his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that’s what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
And while Hurley went to go and try to get the shoe polish off his hands, Miles conveniently got to see his father being all cute with Baby Miles (wrapped in a Dharma baby blanket – seriously, did those hippies have to stick that logo on EVERYTHING!??)
He thought for just a second that maybe he wouldn’t mind getting his metaphorical hand chopped off if it meant a little father/son bonding time!
So of course his lima bean-sized heart went all aflutter when his dad came out of the house and was like “Miles, I need you!” Miles was like, “You DO???!!” but then PF Chang added, “Get your ass to the dock, we’ve got a sub full of nerds coming in.”
And Miles goes down to help unload this mysterious sub, which is supposedly filled with scientists from Ann Arbor, and who should pop his scruffy head out but our beloved Daniel!!!!!
And he’s all like “Long time no see” and we’re all like waiting for Bill and Ted and Rufus to come out of the sub with Beeth-oven and So-crates.
Or at least Station for chrissakes.