Lost: Guardian Pwngel

In the first hour of the Season 5 finale, Jacob earns some frequent flyer miles, Juliet learns kung fu, Sayid loses a few quarts of blood, and Ben plays Simon John Locke Says.

NOTE: Part 2 of the finale recap will be posted later this week!

Previously on Lost…

“They are about to drill into a massive Hot Pocket of energy…and we all know what happens to Hot Pockets on this show!!”

*dramatic reenactment*

***

So first we see Rumplestiltskin some dude spinning some wool into thread, and everything looks kind of Ten Commandments-y.

And these guys are hanging out on the beach, only they’re not all decked out in neckerchiefs and J. Crew chinos, they’ve got like rope belts and mandals and whatnot!

Guy in Black: I must be evil since I’m wearing black. I invented Goth, bitches.
Guy in White: I must be good since I’m wearing white. Pay no attention to that red herring I just caught. *WINK*

So these guys see this huge ship (Black Rock represent!!!) and the Guy in Black is all like, “Another ship? Srsly? Let’s hope they’ve got some hot wenches on this one because the last one was a total bust. I mean what’s the point of magically drawing a ship to this Island if I can’t get some booty to plunder??”

“Keep it in ye olde pantse, Guy in Black. If you can’t find a strumpet to swab your deck, there will always be that plane in a few hundred years. Totally chocked full of hotties, bro.”

Guy in Black: If I don’t get laid in the next century, I’m…I’m going to kill you. I will find a loophole and I will KEEL YOU…*SCARY MUSIC*…JACOB!!!!!
Jacob: Oh shit, I’M Jacob?? I thought I was that guy from Dexter! LOL
Audience: LOOPHOLE? JACOB??? WHAAAAA???

So the Guy in Black stomped away in a huff, and then the 4-toed statue was all like “HEYYY DOES THIS LOINCLOTH MAKE MY ASS LOOK FAT OR WHAT???”

***

So we flash back to Baby Kate! And she stole a New Kids on the Block lunchbox!

“I can’t believe I even know who the New Kids on the Block are, the only music I’ve ever heard is Patsy Cline! Listen! It’s playing right now!”

Anyway, little Kate gets caught stealing, and instead of being carted off to Kids Court, Jacob shows up and pays for the lunchbox!!!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!??????

Store Guy: Ain’t you Aunt Zelda’s kid? I’m gonna call her right now, Missy!
Jacob: My treat, no harm done. You won’t steal anymore, will you Katie?
Katie: No sir. Just other people’s boyfriends.
Jacob: Good, because stealing is bad, mmkay? Murder is fine though, knock yourself out with that.

***

So Kate is like, “We’ve got to go back to The Island, Jack’s about to blow everyone up!”

And Sawyer’s kind of like, “Well…good for him,” and we’re all kind of like “Who the hell is this lame new Sawyer and what have they done with Mr. Badass #1??”

***

Meanwhile, Jack and Sayid are taking a look at Faraday’s journal to figure out how to dismantle/detonate Jughead!

Sayid: He left detailed instructions on…well actually this page just says “Mr. Daniel Staples-Lewis,” “Mrs. Charlotte Faraday,” and then “Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Faraday-Lewis.”
Daniel’s Journal: I never thought I’d fall for a Ginger Kid, but alas. I can’t stop thinking about her…she is intoxicating. I love the way her nose crinkles up when she’s being a huge bitch. Will I ever convince Charlotte to go steady with me? Sigh. She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine.

“Didn’t he understand that in order to win over a pretty lady you just have to make all her decisions for her, and then develop a substance abuse problem, and then lie to her a lot, and then everything will be ruined between you, but then you can just figure out a way to turn back time and start over??? DUH. Simple.”

“You know, Jack…sometimes I wonder how your mind hasn’t caved in on itself like a dying star.”

***

Meanwhile at the Swan Station site…

“Dammit, Radzinsky!! If you don’t stop drilling now, that Hot Pocket of energy is going explode like sausage in a microwave!!! Don’t you care about the CONSEQUENCES?? I mean, I really enjoy having BOTH of my arms!”

“CONSEQUENCES SHMONSEQUENCES! AND WHAT THE FRAK IS A MICROWAVE!?”

***

Sun: So who’s this Jacob fellow I keep hearing so much about?
Ben: Oh, Jacob? He’s the Big Man on Campus.
Sun: So you guys are like good friends, right?
Ben: I thought we were, but it turns out he was just using me to get what he wanted. *sniff*
Sun: This sounds like an episode of The OC.

And so Richard’s like, “You know John, I’ve been on this Island a long ass time and I’ve never seen one person come back to life. Well, except Patchy. But that was more like a chicken running around with its head cut off, you know what I mean?”

“Well Richard, me coming back to life is just as ‘natural’ as those eyelashes of yours.”

And since Richard didn’t want to admit that he WASN’T born with it, and that it WAS Maybelline, he let it go!

***

So after taking a little butt-of-gun-induced nap, LaPenis wakes up and hears Ilana and Bram talking about whether or not he can be a “candidate,” whatever the hell that means!

Ilana & Bram: We think you might make a good candidate, except…
LaPenis: I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I would definitely fail the drug test.
Ilana & Bram: Well just so you know, we’re the good guys. This thing we’ve been carrying around would prove that.
LaPenis: Well, come on, what’s in the box???

And Brad Pitt is all, “Whaaaat’s in the booooxxxxx????”

And these guys are like, “It’s my dick in a box!!!!”

And LaPenis is just like, “…terrific.”

***

And then Jacob visits Baby Sawyer at his parents’ funeral, and he gives Sawyer a pen so he can write his vendetta letta to the real Sawyer!

Jacob: Now remember, the pen is mightier than the sword.
Jimmy: Yeah, but the chains hanging in some old slave ship are mightier than a pen.
Jacob: Touche.

And Sawyer’s Uncle Doug came and was like, “Whatever Happened, Happened What’s Dead is Dead What’s done is done,” and we’re like “lol episode titles”

And we wanted to hold Baby Sawyer to our bosoms. Aw.

***

And then Juliet does some crazy kung fu moves (because all doctors take Kung Fu 101 in med school, RIGHT??) and she tells the sub driver guy to drop them off Island-side!! Apparently she wanted to go back to her place so she could change her shirt into something a little less red.

***

And then, like so many times in the past, Jack asks “Is this big enough?”

To which Sayid says, “That will do…”

…which makes Jack happy, since that’s not usually the response he gets to that question!

“Yay! I’m a big boy!”

Richard: So Jack, tell me, is Locke ~*special*~?
Jack: Absolutely!
Richard: Just to clarify, I mean in a “Chosen One” way, not in a “Shortbus” way.
Jack: Ohhh well then…no.

***

Locke: …so Alex told you to do anything I say??
Ben: hhhhWhatever you say.
Locke: Rub your head and pat your belly!
Ben: *rubs head and pats belly*
Locke: Pick your nose!
Ben: *picks nose*
Locke: Stop putting too much emphasis on the H hhhwhen you talk!
Ben: hhhWhy would you do that?? Now you’re just being a hhhhwhore.

Locke: Okay, fine then. You can keep talking like Stewie Griffin, but in return you have to kill Jacob for me!
Ben: hhhhWhat the deuce!?

***

And then Sayid had to watch Nadia get hit by a car!!! And it was super sad!!!

And who was there to witness it but SURPRISE, SURPRISE, JACOB! He poured a little malt liquor onto the ground for his fallen homie and disappeared again!

***

After Sayid and Jack dismantled the H-bomb, Richard conked the pregnant Eloise on the head and presumably dragged her into the Rape Caves to protect her (and also relieve her of what little innocence she may have had left)!

So then Jack and Sayid decide to “hide in plain sight” because there are so many OTHER Iraqi-looking dudes with ponytails and beards hanging around Dharmaville.

What he needed was some Groucho glasses.

That’s more like it.

But of course our old pal Roger Work Man catches sight of Sayid and freaking SHOOTS him!!! And so Jack whips out his gun and starts shooting at EVERYONE (because all doctors take Shooting Guns 101 in med school, RIGHT??)

And in all of the excitement, Jack and Sayid both jizzed in their pants. And Sayid totally choked a guy with his hanging-out intestines because he’s just THAT badass.

And then they recreated the last scene of Ghostbusters.

And luckily Hurley, Miles, and Jin pulled up in the van and they all did that adorable Little Miss Sunshine thing where they hopped in while the van was moving!

***
So the 5 dollar foot long sub surfaced to drop Sawyer, Kate, and Juliet off and then it went on its merry way.

Kate: Hey Sawyer, let’s flirt!
Sawyer: Yeah, okay Freckles!
Juliet: Seriously, guys? I’m sitting right here.

And then they hear this barking and Sawyer’s like, “OMG ITS VINCENT!!! AND OMG ROSE AND SOME CRAZY HOBO!!!!!!! AND OMG LOOK, A RAINBOW!!!!!!! BARRING THE WHOLE ISLAND-BLOWING-UP THING THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!”

Rose: Oh look, it’s those people that were always trying to get us killed! Awesome!
Bernard: Oh…perfect. And it’s BEARD-NARD now, btw!

So Rose and Beard-nard explain that they’ve been living out in the jungle for the last 3 years, scavenging for food, not being shot at or taken hostage or whatever the hell the kids today are doing, and it’s all good because all they want is to be with each other!

And Rose looked at Beard-nard…

And Beard-nard looked at Rose…

And Sawyer looked at Kate…

Who was completely oblivious as usual….

But Juliet had looked at Sawyer, and she saw him looking at Kate, and she’s just like, “Seriously?? I’m RIGHT FUCKING HERE. God damn! As soon as I can find a new shirt y’all can HAVE each other, CHRIST.”

***

So Bram is explaining to LaPenis that what’s in this box will prove they are the good guys and they’re trying to help! And Frank’s just like, “Either I’m sorely mistaken, or I have grossly misinterpreted what’s flopping around in there.”

***

“Heyyy Yummy Mummy, where are Boo Berry and Count Chocula?” *chuckles to himself*

Ilana: Oh Jacob, you old cad! What brings you to my indiscernible neck of the woods?
Jacob: Well, I was wondering – once you’re feeling up to snuff, can you do me a solid and swing by the old stomping grounds, if you get my meaning?
Ilana: Ah yes, I know exactly what you mean. *flinches* You can’t see it, but I just winked.

***

So Ilana goes into Jacob’s cabin and sees that someone’s been squatting – and redecorating!

“Egyptian tapestries? Ugh, who’s been living here, Indiana Jones?”

And then they torched the place for some reason! Apparently they were not aware that only YOU can prevent forest fires.

***

This time we flash back to the day Locke was thrown out of the window! And omg, Jacob BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE!

“Despite what the audience is thinking right now, this is actually the only 1-UP you had left. Sorry, kiddo.”

***

“…what I’m saying to you Ben, is that you have no reason NOT to kill Jacob! You got cancer and your daughter was shot which was your fault and then you were banished! Why not just kill the dick? Killin’s fun. Killin’s easy. You love killin’.”

“If it’s that easy, then why didn’t you kill your own father? He stole your kidney and tried to murder you, and yet you had Sawyer do your dirty work. I could be wrong, but…I’m pretty sure you’re a huge pussy, John Locke.”

“Well, great talk, Benjamin! I see a patch of sand way over there with my name on it. Gotta run.”

***

And then the Lost writers decided to poke us right in the Charlie-is-Still-Dead wound that was finally starting to heal!! ;___;

“I swear, by the moon and the stars and the sky, I’ll be there. I swear like the shadow that’s by your side I’ll be there. For better or worse, till death do us part, I love you with every beat of my heart…I swear.”

Sun: Seriously, Jin? All-4-One lyrics? What the hell am I getting myself into?
Jin: Well…how about this…we’ll never be apart unless I get trapped in the 70′s for some reason.
Sun: Much better.

And of course Creeper Jacob swooped in long enough to tag Sun and Jin with his cosmic thread!

Jacob: Your love is special. Never take it for granted. Especially when Jin goes all gansta and Sun cheats on your ass with that bald guy.
Sun & Jin: …
Jacob: Allllrighty then, who can point me to the buffet?

***

So Jack, Hurley, Jin, Sayid, and Miles are on their way to the Swan site so they can detonate this crazy bomb of theirs, and Sayid is just like DYING and Jack is trying to stop the bleeding, but it’s not working, and everyone’s like freaking out!!!

And then Hurley’s like, “Um dudes? We’ve got a problem. A super sexy Southerner in a jumpsuit problem.”

Sawyer: YOU SHALL NOT PASS.
Kate & Juliet: Heyyy guys.
Audience: Oh there’s that Mr. Badass #1 we were looking for.

“Oh, isn’t that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day.”