This week on Lost, Richard has the worst week of his decidedly loooong life, Jacob and Smokey face off, and Hurley does some ghost whispering.
So previously on Lost, we know that Jacob went to visit Ilana while she was all wrapped up like a mummy, and we knew that he asked her to help him with something.
“Ilana, if you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long-lost pal.”
Right after he called her Freddie, and asked her to call him Al, he’s like, “Okay I need you to protect these six people, they are the remaining candidates. To replace me. It’s what you’ve been preparing for. Now let me just lay my hands all over that melon of yours…”
“Dudes. How come they didn’t just show us THAT part of the convo in the finale last year? I mean…it would have cleared a lot up, amiright?”
And then it’s like 5 minutes later and Jacob has apparently worked his magic all over Ilana’s face (get your minds out of the gutter, people) because she has-ah been-ah HEALED-AH with the powah of the LAWD-AH!
Ilana: Not that I’m saying that this plan sucks or anything, but what if something goes wrong?
Jacob: Find Richardus, he’ll know what to do.
Ilana: How will I know which one is Richardus?
Jacob: He’ll be the dashingly handsome man with the voluminous eyelashes. Or, ya know…just look for the only dude without pit stains.
But as we saw back at the Black Rock, our pal Richard has kind of lost his marbles a little bit! Judging by the amount of crazed giggling and twitching, I’d say he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.
To prove just how crazy he is, he calmly informs everyone that they’re not really on an island, but they’re all DEAD! And IN HELL!
Super Crazy Lost Fans: Oh Darlton you saucy minx!! I’m not falling for this ruse!
Your Everyday Lost Fans: I don’t think I’d mind Hell if it was on a tropical island full of hot people.
The n00b Lost fans: I totally bet this is purgatory, you guys.
So then Ben tries to explain to everyone how he met Richard when he was 12.
“You know that slogan a Diamond is Forever? Well…Richard is like a diamond. A sexy, Latino diamond.”
And Hurley’s having this conversation with a ghost who conveniently speaks Spanish! Because if they spoke Swahili or something this episode would be a whole lot less interesting.
Ghost: Â¿Habla Espanol?
Hurley: Â¡Si, hablo Espanol!
Ghost: Bueno! Â¿Donde esta la biblioteca?
And Richard ran off to join the Dark Side because if you’re really in Hell, you might as well show a little sympathy for the devil, right?
Lost Writers: Now we’re going to show you Richard’s story…from the beginning!
Lost Writers: Which, translated into Latin, is Ab Aeterno!
Audience: lol…sort of episode title?
He must be wearing Old Spice because he is on a horse! Richard paints with all the colors of the wind!
The year? 1867. The place?
Hawaii Tenerife, Canary Islands. The problem? Richard’s wife Isabella is coughing up blood! Oh no!!
Richard: Yeesabella, you are burning up!
Isabella: It’s only because hearing you say my name like that gets me all hot, my love.
Audience: Or maybe it’s because you’ve got a freaking fire burning inside a hut on a tropical island…?
Richard: I will save you, darling!
Richard’s got this plan to get the doctor, and since 19th century Canary Island healthcare is so much like modern America’s, he’s going to be bringing his whole life savings to pay for one freaking visit.
Isabella: Our life savings will only cover the co-pay! Here, take my cross. It should cover like 4 days worth of antibiotics.
Richard: I’ll be back in two shakes of a puppy’s tail, my dear. Don’t you go dying on me, aight?
Isabella: We will always be together no matter what!
Richard: Live together, die alone!
Isabella: You will see me in the next life, if not this one!
Richard: I’ll see ya in another life, brothah!
So Richard rides his ass off in the pouring rain to go see this doctor, and when he gets there we see that this guy’s bedside manner makes Jack look like Patch Adams! He’s like the biggest dick ever!!
Not only will he not come out to see Isabella, but he tells Richard that all his money AND her cross ain’t enough to pay for a teeny bit of medicine! So Richard understandably freaks out and the two of them have a little tussle! Unfortunately for everyone involved, the doctor literally does a *head desk* and dies instantly! Which wouldn’t have been too bad considering what a smacked ass he was, but the freaking butler saw it happen, so Richard’s in trouble!
He grabs the medicine and flees, only to find his beloved Yeesabella has died in the interim! And it was super sad!!
Right after he got done screaming “I AM FORTUNE’S FOOL!!!!!!!!!” to the sky, the coppers showed up and carted him off prison before he could even say a proper goodbye. This guy just can’t catch a break!
So he’s in that prison from Pirates of the Caribbean, and this priest shows up, and since this is Lost, Richard has some Father Issues.
Richard: Are you here to take my confession?
Priest: If by “confession” you mean “crush your soul and any shred of hope or dignity you had left” then absolutamente!!
Richard: You mean you can’t absolve me of my sins? This is bullshit!
“Normally a little penance would do the trick, but you’re scheduled for the gallows hasta maÃ±ana. Say hi to Satan for me.”
“Â¡Ay, ay, ay, no es bueno!”
But right in the nick of time, Captain Norrington shows up and buys Richard off the priest for like a buck fifty!
Norrington: Where’d you learn to speak English?
Richard: College…and the Police Academy movies.
Anyway Richard (and his strong hands lol) are now the property of Magnus Hanso, which is verrrry eenteresting!
♪♪ On the good ship Black Rock,
It’s a slave ship brought by Jacob
To an island wheeeere your dead wife might show up out of thin air ♪♪
We get some more terrible CGI, but to be fair these special effects probably looked awesome in the 1800′s.
So one of the other slave guys is freaking out because when he looked outside he saw the statue and he’s all “EL DIABLO!!!!!!” and this storm is going crazy and the FREAKING SHIP SLAMS INTO THE STATUE AND BREAKS IT!!! And then it rides this killer wave all the way inland!!!
The next morning the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the asshole ship captain is on a killing spree!! Instead of trying to actually HELP anyone, this guy comes down below deck and starts stabbing everyone to death!
And then – just as he was about to make a Riccardo-kebob – he hears a familiar tch-tch-tch-tch sound!!! It was time for this power tool to take a ride on the SMOKEY EXPRESS.
Norrington: Who’s gonna save you now?
Richard: IDK MY BFF SMOKEY?
Smokey: HEY RICHIE! DON’T LET THE BASTARDS KEEP YOU DOWN, BUDDY!!!
Norrington: What in the blazes!?
Richard: EL DIABLO!!!!!! EL DIABLO!!!!!!!!
Smokey: MIND THE GAP, PLEASE.
And with that, he pulled the captain up through the floor and SMOTE THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. It. Was. Awesome.
Then Smokey came back again, and did his little paparazzi flashy lights thing in Richard’s face, and as it turns out, secondhand Smokey doesn’t actually kill as we’ve been lead to believe.
So Richard was stuck doing his penance after all. Still chained to the ship, with nothing but increasingly bloaty/rank dead bodies to keep him company, Richard’s next few days made Sayid’s torcha look like a walk in the park. He MUST be in Hell!
And yet, he’s still not crying. It really was just raining on his face.
To make matters even worse,
Daphne a wild boar stopped by and started eating the dead people! And when it ran away (where’d it run away to, anyway? Do boars walk up ladders? Are they like, built for that?) it kicked Richard’s nail, his only means of escape, out of reach!!
All the fangirls have been waiting patiently to see how hot it would be to see Richard in chains ever since Mocke brought it up, but this is just TOO SAD. We take it back, Richard!! WE’RE SORRY, OKAY??
To make matters EVEN WORSE, if that’s EVEN POSSIBLE, Yeesabella shows up and tells Richard that they’re in Hell! As if that wasn’t already ABUNDANTLY CLEAR!!
But of course it wasn’t Isabella, it was Smokey all gussied up to look like her! He’s all, “I’M IN UR BRAIN, FINDIN UR WEAKNESSES!”
Then we hear Smokey coming back again, and Richard tells Isabella to *swoon* SAVE HERSELF!! And he had to listen to her dying all over again!!!
His back story is even more depressing than Locke’s for chrissakes!! His emo, let me show u it. ;_;
And just as all ye who entered here were about to abandon hope, someone comes in and gets all handsy with Richard, and we’re all like “OMG IS THIS JACOB TOUCHING HIM AND GIVING HIM ETERNAL LIFE/LUCSCIOUS LASHES!?”
NO! EVEN BETTER!! It was Mr. Evil Incarnate himself, the MAN! IN! BLAAAACK! And he told Richard that yes, he was in the Hell, and yes, the Devil has Isabella, and yes, there is a way to get her back, and yes, he did get a haircut, thanks for asking!
Smokey: Will you form an alliance with me?
Smokey: I can unlock these shackles if you promise to do everything I say.
Richard: I’ll do it!
Smokey: Even if I double dare you?
Smokey: Even if I give you the physical challenge??
Richard: OMG JUST STFU ALREADY AND UNLOCK ME!!!!
And Richard was finally free!!!!! And he got to smile once in this whole episode!!!
Smokey: It’s good to see you out of those chains.
Lost Writers: You’re welcome.
Audience: *slow clap*
“So here’s your physical challenge: in order to escape from Hell and rescue the Princess, you’re going to need to take this special knife and stick it in El Diablo’s chest. If he speaks to you it’s already too late! It’s easy. Like Sunday morning.”
“How am I supposed to stab black smoke? And anyway how come Dogen’s instructions to kill you are the same instructions you’re giving me to kill Jacob? And Lionel Richie lyrics? Srsly?”
Smokey: That’s none of your concern. Now hurry – if you don’t get your ass in gear, I’ll lock you back up in that ship – all night long.
Richard: All night??
Smokey: All night. All night long. Yeah.
Richard: Â¡Ay, Dios no me ama!
So our intrepid hero marches his way to the foot, where the Devil supposedly lives. (I want to go to this Special Hell, where you can just lay around on the beach all day!)
So he’s walking towards the statue with the knife, ready to get all stabby, when Jacob comes out of nowhere and goes all Cosa Nostra on him!!
“Are YOU talking to ME!? HEH!? Who do you think you are, coming into MY neighborhood and trying to WHACK ME!? VAFFANCULO!! I EAT PIECES OF SHIT LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST!”
“You eat pieces of shit for breakfast??”
Jacob: SHUT UP, RICHARD!
Richard: Are you the Devil?
Jacob: I’m not the Devil.
Richard: Am I dead?
Jacob: You’re not dead.
Richard: So you don’t have Yeesabella?
Jacob: I think Richard Alpert wants to sleep with the fishes.
:O “Â¡AY AY AY! NO ME GUSTA!”
So he almost drowns Richard to prove to him that he’s actually alive! He totally got baptized/hazed into the Church of Jacob!
“Sorry about all the water. Half of that was to cleanse your soul and half of it was to cleanse your body. You smelled like a diseased rhino’s ass.”
“Well I’m sorry I tried to stab you to death. That Man in Black guy had me convinced you were El Diablo. If he hates you so much, how come you don’t just let him go?”
Using some wine and an Erlenmeyer flask (Arzt would be so proud) Jacob explained that all the evil in the world (i.e. Smokey!) is apparently contained right there on the island! It’s totally a Hellmouth! Someone call Buffy!
If he hadn’t stuck a cork in it, all of this evil would have seeped out into the rest of the world, and then everyone would become flesh-eating zombies or monsters or Jaters or something! And as if that wasn’t enough mindfuckery to handle, he told Richard that he does stuff like brings ships full of people to the island to prove to Smokey that people are inherently good!
Richard: But that’s not true, all the men on my ship starting murdering people as soon as we landed here.
Jacob: Well it’s not a perfect theory…I’m still working out a few kinks.
Richard: One of those kinks almost ran a sword through my gut, you pendejo.
Jacob: LOL yeah…sorry about that. Let me make it up to you. I can grant you one wish.
Richard: Can you bring back my wife?
Jacob: Um, I’m not a magician, amigo.
Richard: Can you absolve me of my crime so I don’t go to Hell?
Jacob: Who do you think I am, anyway? No one can do that!
Richard: Okay, okay. Fine. Can you at least make me immortal??
Jacob: No problemo!
And so not only did Jacob make Richard immortal, he also hired him to be his consiglieri! Apparently Richard had been on a job interview this whole time and didn’t even know it!
Richard: I need to go back to the Man in Black. What about the knife?
Jacob: Leave the knife, take the cannoli.
So Richard goes back to Smokey, and right away Smokey knows it’s no dice, and he’s like, “You let him talk, didn’t you?”
“He made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”
Smokey was definitely disappointed in Richard, but he gave him Isabella’s cross anyway, and told him if he ever changed his mind that his offer still stands. Pretty decent thing for a guy to do, especially when that guy is supposed to be, by definition, the biggest asshole EVER, right?
Richard buries the cross in the ground, cries a few more Rears, and then goes off to start his new life. First on the agenda? Find some waterproof mascara, a J. Crew catalog, a good moisturizer, and a man purse.
Which brings us back to the present! Richard’s digging up that old ass cross, and he’s still all TO’ed about Jacob being a big fat liar, pants on fire (literally) and he’s screaming into the sky ala Jack Shephard, going “DOES YOUR OFFER STILL STAND!?”
But instead of Smokey showing up, it’s Hurley! And then all of the sudden we collectively remember that he’d been talking to a Spanish-speaking ghost!
Hurley: Okay dude, don’t move and don’t freak out, but…
Richard: omg IS THERE A BUG ON ME? *screeches*
Hurley: Um…not exactly.
It wasn’t a bug, it was Yeesabella!!! AW!!!!! Isn’t it just SO convenient that Hurley never saw her until this episode? LOL.
So Hurley pulls an Oda Mae Brown and lets Richard have a conversation with Isabella through him!
“She wants you to know that your English is awesome, and it’s not your fault she died, and that you’ve suffered enough, and you use just the right amount of product in your hair.”
Richard was very glad he had used his waterproof manscara that day. He couldn’t handle being this sad and having raccoon eyes right now.
Richard: I love you, Isabella. I’ve always loved you.
*cue Righteous Brothers*
“And one last thing, dude. She said if we don’t stop Smokey from leaving this island, we’re all going to Hell. In a handbasket.”
So now that Richard seems to have his shit together again, I guess that means he’s going to stop running around the island with his arms flailing over his head like a Muppet.
And for that I am sorry. Sigh.
And what episode wouldn’t be complete without Mocke silently lurking in the background, making creepy faces?
Jacob: I knew it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart!
Smokey: So you know I tried to kill you, big whoop, wanna fight about it?
Jacob: How about I just ignore you, you little pissant?
“Don’t you turn your back on me, Jacob. I want you to look at me when I kill you. I want to see the light leave your eyes!”
“Try to kill me all you want, compadre. Good >>> Evil. You’ll figure that out someday. Smell ya later.”
“Uh, yeah, okay. See you soon. Sooner than you think. IN YOUR NIGHTMARES. MWA HA HA!!!!!! Or on the set of Supernatural.“