This week on Lost, Sawyer hangs out with Liz Lemon, Kate and Mocke bond over mommy issues, Claire gets bitchslapped, and Detective James Ford gets thrown into some lockers.
Previously on Lost…
You weren’t exactly…
…supposed to see that!
When we last left Sawyer he was in that seaside cave with Mocke. Since that ladder had broken I’m guessing Sawyer jumped on Smokey’s back and rode him like a giant magic carpet all the way to the top of that cliff because he’s back on solid land again!
In fact, he’s paying a visit to his buddy Jin, who is quietly sleeping off being mauled by a bear [trap] in Claire’s Lean-to of Lunacy.
“We won’t leave without Sun, although rumor has it she’s a robot now. Just thought you’d like to be prepared.”
“I know…at the very least I can use her for spare parts.”
So then Smokey rolls up with his entourage, and Sayid’s eyes still look as dead as a Kardashian’s, and Claire’s giggling about a joke one of the voices in her head just told.
And Kate’s all, “Look, I know Juliet just died like 3 days ago, and I’m sure that’s been tough, but the audience and I had a talk, and we all think it’s time you and I got back on track.”
Sawyer: Awww shucks.
Lost Writers: I do believe it’s Skate O’Clock.
Sawyer/Kate fans: *tossing confetti*
Sawyer/Juliet fans: *grabbing pitchforks*
Jack/Kate fans: *changing the channel*
So now we’ve seen enough of this Sideways World to be wondering if Sawyer will be a New and Improved version of his island self, or if he’ll pull a Sayid and just be the same bad guy he was before the crash.
And he’s laying in bed with some floozy, and we’re all like, “While I appreciate the shirtlessness of this scene, I am disappointed in your actions, Sawyer.”
And then not surprisingly he did the whole “You weren’t supposed to see that” bit, which was even MORE disappointing!! We don’t want Sawyer to be a BAD guy again!
“Look, I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this cash, but Ack was too busy staring at my hot bod to actually think of one to write.”
But it didn’t matter what the explanation was! This chick’s husband was a con man, so the jig was up!
Floozy: You can’t con a con man’s wife!
Sawyer: Maybe not, but how much con can a con man con if a con man’s wife cons him?
Sawyer (or should I say Jimmy?) explains that – SURPRISE! There is actually a whole van full of cops outside that just listened to them knocking boots!! GROSS!!!
Sawyer: Do you smell bacon?
Floozy: I definitely smell a pork product of some kind…
Sawyer: That’s because we’re surrounded by pigs! This room is tapped!
Floozy: Ew, they…listened to us doing it!?
Sawyer: Yes! And all I have to do is say the magic word and they’ll all come running in here!
Floozy: Well then where are they??
Sawyer: Umm…they might have trouble walking for a minute, is all.
“Just…tell them to think about baseball.”
So after thinking about big chunky man-butts in tight pants for a moment, all the cops come breaking through the door, including Miles!!! Who is Sawyer’s snarky partner! BECAUSE SAWYER IS A COP!!!!! I SMELL SPIN-OFF!!!
They can be the next Starsky and Hutch!! Crockett and Tubbs!! Foley and Rosewood!!
Cagney and Lacey!!
In the Criminal Justice System, viewers expect two separate yet equally important partners: the self righteous good cops, who throw their colleagues into lockers, and the sneaky bad cops, who secretly hold personal vendettas. These are their stories.
They are…THE HOT COPS!! *jazz hands*
Back on the island, Claire is tidying up her hovel for her guests when Kate gets a peek of the hideous skull baby and has the same reaction we all had!
Kate: This is where you li…UHHH CLAIRE WTF IN GOD’S NAME IS THAT THING!?
Claire: It’s all I had.
Kate: Okay look, when Tom Hanks had that cute little volleyball in Cast Away it was adorable and all…but this is just…fucked up. It’s like, the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen.
At which point Claire decided that she was gonna hafta cut a bitch. Verrry soon.
For someone that just murdered a whole temple full of people, Smokey is awfully understanding about the crappy night his followers had.
“Last night was long and traumatic for many of you. You can call 1-800-IHAVEMOOBS for support, and Sheila from HR will be sending in a grief counselor if anyone would like to set up an appointment.”
“Grief counselor? What happened to all the people we left behind with similarly retarded hair accessories?”
“Well, they’re all dead. The black smoke chewed ‘em up, spit ‘em out, etc. etc. Downside? All your friends are gone. Upside? Now you guys can see thestrals. Congrats!”
And then Claire, who has got some crazy Man Hands going on, grabs Kate’s hand for some reason, and us/Kate are like “Wot’s all this, then?” but Claire just smiles creepily and wanders away to change Skull Baby’s diaper.
Sawyer: You and me are Outlaws, Kate.
Kate: You’re a Confidence Man, I was Born to Run.
Sawyer: Whatever the Case May Be, I can’t get Left Behind again.
Kate: Look, Whatever Happened, Happened. Just don’t trust Locke okay?
Sawyer: You trusted me as LaFleur. Do you trust me now?
Kate: I Do.
Sawyer: Then it’s Every Man for Himself.
We find out that despite the fact that he’s a cop for the LAPD, Sawyer is still looking for Anthony Cooper, who like Keamy, must be an asshole in every dimension! And for whatever reason he’s hiding his research from Miles.
We also find out that Sawyer is single and ready to mingle, reminding us that this is, in fact, a fictional universe in which a person who looks like Josh Holloway is not taken.
Miles sets Sawyer up on a blind date with some chick that works with his DAD!! Which means unless this chick is actually Radzinsky in a wig and falsies, P.F. Chang got off the island as well!
“You’ll love her, she’s a smart and funny Ginger Kid.”
“Well good, I have a thing for freckles.”
Miles seemed a little suspicious of Sawyer’s recent trip to “Palm Springs,” which was of course his trip to Australia and not Palm Springs at all.
Miles told Sawyer that he could tell him anything. What Miles didn’t tell Sawyer was that if he didn’t tell him anything he’d run his credit cards to see where he was last weekend. Because that’s totally…acceptable.
“James, there’s something you don’t know about me. I’m a bitch, I’m a lover. I’m a child, I’m a mother. I’m a sinner, I’m a saint…and I’m also a killer cloud of black smoke.”
Sawyer took this news surprisingly well, although he wanted to know how come Mocke killed all the people in the temple when they were really only guilty of wearing stupid Olivia Newton John headbands.
“They think they’re protecting the island from me, but I just want to get the hell outta here. Kill or be killed! It’s Lord of the Flies time, baby!!”
“Hey, that’s my line! And what the hell are we doing here anyway?”
Mocke: You’re gonna go check out the other island, find some dead bodies, fondle a dress in a cage, hang out with Tina Fey and Sam Eagle, and get me some recon.
Audience: lol episode title
Smokey told Sawyer he was sending him for recon duty because Sawyer was the best liar he’d ever met, which had to be a compliment coming from a guy that was currently parading himself around in a man suit!
So Sawyer goes out on his blind date with CHARLOTTE STAPLES CENTER of all people!!
Charlotte: Yes, people have likened me to Indiana Jones.
Sawyer: That’s funny, people have likened me to Han Solo.
Charlotte: It’s like Harrison Ford-on-Harrison Ford action.
Sawyer: And my last name is Ford. Coincidence?
Charlotte: I think not.
Charlotte asks Sawyer why he became a cop, and she didn’t buy his “I wanted to be like Steve McQueen” story. Apparently people don’t become cops just because, they have to have deep existential reasons! (Which I’m sure would be the case if I went and asked the next asshole who pulls me over for going 49 mph in a 45 zone why he became a cop.)
But I digress…
Sawyer tells her that at a point in his life he knew he’d either become a criminal or a cop, so he chose to be a cop!
“I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I– I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”
*says nothing while loins explode*
So Charlotte does what ANYONE would do on a date with a stud of this caliber – she bangs him immediately!
And she asks to borrow a t-shirt afterward, and he’s all, “Sure, top drawer on the right,” but when she goes in there she finds his super secret Sawyer file!!! For someone who’s so slick with the ladies he totally sucks at hiding super important shit!
So he not-so-nicely asks her to get started on her Walk of Shame a few hours early! Real smooth.
Three snaps around the world to the Lost writers for making Sideways Sawyer a good guy who still carries enough emotional baggage to make him a nightmare for women!! HE IS EVERY FEMALE’S DREAM COME TRUE!!
LET US FIX YOU, BB!!! FEEL FREE TO LEAVE YOUR SHIRT OFF, BTW.
On the island, Sawyer’s managed to get himself back to the polar bear cages, and just as Mocke predicted, Kate’s dress is there and ready to fondle!
Memmmorieeeees! Like the corners of myyy miiiiind, misty water-colored memmmmmoriiiessss of the waaay we wereeee…
Which I’m sure pissed off any number of Sawyer/Juliet fans, but seriously WE ONLY HAVE 8 MORE EPISODES LEFT, PEOPLE. If Skate’s ever gonna happen it’s gotta happen soon, right?? I mean, they’ve been building this shit up for 5 YEARS, they can’t leave us hanging…RIGHT??
Anywho, Kate’s hanging out with Sayid and I guess during their midnight walk everyone failed to mention to her that at this point he’s really only the Artist Formerly Known as Sayid because she’s all asking him about Locke and stuff!
AND OUT OF NOWHERE CLAIRE JUST LUNGES AT HER WITH A FREAKING GIANT KNIFE AND SHE’S LIKE, “I’LL CUT YOU BITCH, I’LL CUT YOU!!! I’M GONNA TEAR OFF YOUR SKIN AND WEAR YOU LIKE A SUIT!!!! THEN WE’LL SEE HOW CREEPY YOU THINK MY SKULL BABY IS!!!”
And Sayid just SITS THERE AND WATCHES WITHOUT MOVING AT ALL!!! He’s like a Zombie Eeyore LOL “Ohhh bother.” (He was supposed to alert his bros, ala the Bro Code, obviously)
So Claire is just going BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
And we wonder what in the Sam Hill happened her!!!
Dear Old Claire,
We would like you back now, please. We’ll bring the peanut butter if you’d just come back from Crazytown. This new you is scary and dirty and the opposite of adorable. You used to be adorable, Claire. Please be adorable again.
The entire audience.
So anyway Mocke literally THROWS her off of Kate and he performs the BITCHSLAP HEARD ROUND THE WORLD!!! LOLOL OMG CLAIRE YOU ARE NUTTIER THAN SQUIRREL POO!!
SMOKEY IS…THE PWNISHER.
“THAT WAS COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. HAPPY SLAPSGIVING. Now sit your ass down and be glad I wasn’t wearing my rings!!!”
On Hydra Island, Sawyer stumbles across a giant stinking pile o’ bodies that have been dragged off the beach! Gross!
But then he hears someone running and tackles her, he’s like, “What the hell?? TINA FEY!?”
Back in Sideways World, Liam is there trying to get Charlie out of jail! And of course he’s at the same precinct as Sawyer because there is only ONE police station in LA, just like Sayid and Jack found out there is only ONE hospital!
And then Miles, who is like a foot shorter than Sawyer, Hulks out and slams him up against some lockers! Because they are cops!! And that’s how they roll!!
Turns out Miles is pissed, but not about Charlotte! He ran Sawyer’s credit cards and he figured out he’d gone to Australia instead of Palm Springs!
“You sound like a jealous girlfriend and I think we’ve made it clear I’m dying ALONE!! This is none of your beeswax!! You’re my coworker, it shouldn’t matter where I go on my free time!!”
“OH, YOU THINK IT DOESN’T MATTER?? FINE!! WE ARE DONE PROFESSIONALLY. AND CONSIDER YOURSELF DUMPED, ASSHOLE!!”
Audience: Hey Sawyer, how much more furrowed can your brow be right now!?
Sawyer: NONE. NONE MORE FURROWED.
So just like Jack, Sawyer smashed a mirror. Only this one could be easily replaced at any Walmart, and not um…MAGICAL.
James Ford’s been talking to the man in the mirror.
He’s been asking him to change his ways.
And no message could have been any clearer.
If he wants to make the world a better place, he’ll take a look at himself and make a frozen dinner and watch some Little House.
Meanwhile, Kate’s sitting in a banyan tree crying her eyes out! Which normally I’d make fun of, but this time I think her tears are pretty damn justified! She almost got stabbed to death by the woman she came here to save!
Mocke: Sucks to be you, dude.
Kate: Oh gee, thanks, dead guy.
Mocke: Look, it’s my fault that Claire has gone to the Dark Side. I gave her something to hate when I told her the Others took Aaron. A Jedi’s strength flows from the Force. Anger, fear, aggression. The Dark Side they are. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
So Liz Lemon is asking all these questions about Sawyer’s people – how many of them there are, if they all have guns, if they have any bags of Sabor de Soledad and/or Slankets, etc. and it’s becoming pretty damn clear she’s not who she says she is.
Of course Sawyer’s asking her questions as well, and she tells him she was going to Guam to visit her boyfriend, at which point Sawyer pulls out his gun!!
And she’s like, “So what, you believed I wasn’t lying until I said I had a boyfriend?? Am I that pathetic!? Okay!! That’s a dealbreaker!!” and she whistled and all these armed guys come out of the bushes!
“And for the record, I do have a boyfriend, and his name is Astronaut Mike Dexter!”
Kate and Mocke sit down for a heart to heart, and I think a lot of us are starting to wonder when this guy’s going to slip. He always seems to have the right idea about EVERYTHING, amiright?? I mean…I’d totally be on Team Smokey, wouldn’t you?
Anyway he tells Kate that he wasn’t actually a dead guy like she said. And that he had a mother once. Who was crazier than a shithouse rat, apparently. She was so disturbed, and did such a bang-up job of raising him, that Old Smokey is STILL messed up about it!!! And that could have been like EONS ago!!
We even got a hint of Smears!! I’m thinking maybe this woman made Mommy Dearest look like Donna Reed. No wire hangers!!!
So he told her that Aaron’s got a crazy mom now too, and if she doesn’t want the kid to morph into a homocidal cloud of smoke, maybe it’s better if Claire stayed the eff away from him!
And he also suggested he and Kate start a Mommy Issues Anonymous club with Ben because they are such a minority on this island!
Sideways Sawyer goes home after his long day of being thrown into lockers, heats himself up a depressing frozen dinner, and kicks back to watch his stories.
And awwww it’s Little House!! And Daddy Ingalls is talking about how the ones we’ve lost aren’t really gone forever, and life is all about laughing and loving and not kicking hot archaeologists out of our beds at 3 in the morning!
So naturally Sawyer grabs a big sunflower, a 6-pack, and his best puppy dog eyes and heads over to Charlotte’s to see if she wouldn’t mind seizing the day with him. But she SO isn’t having it!!
And showing MUCH more self-control than I ever could, she turns him down!! I mean Charlotte, HE HAD BEER!! And a FLOWER!
(Hopefully it’s because a certain tie-wearing physicist was there on the other side of the door, eh??)
So Tina Fey and that guy who everyone recognized from one old TV show or another take Sawyer to parlay with their leader, who is of course Chuck Widmore, hanging out in his nefarious submarine!
And there’s some locked door on the sub that’s being guarded by a guy! What’s in there?? Is someone trapped in the closet?? Desmond? R. Kelly? A vanishing cabinet? What!?
We don’t get to find out because Sawyer is ushered into Widmore’s office/evil lair, and they strike a deal – if Widmore agrees to let everyone on Team Sawyer go free, Sawyer will give him Smokey on a silver platter. Easy peasy, right?
Except for the part where Sawyer is lying through his beautifully capped teeth!
And then Claire walks up to Kate and like, apologizes to her and hugs her!! Mocke’s tough love must have knocked something loose under that wig of hers because she managed to not try and stab Kate in the neck or anything!
Claire: I don’t see you crying, robot! You taste these tears! Taste my happy, Kate! TASTE IT!!!
Kate: Tastes kind of like sad.
Sawyer: So then I says to the guy, I says “I’ll give you Smokey on a silver platter!”
Mocke: Ha! And he bought it!?
Sawyer: Oh, he bought it.
Mocke: Well good work, James. Don’t worry, I won’t double-cross you.
Sawyer: And I won’t double-cross you.
Mocke: Just as long as you don’t double-cross me!
Sawyer: Ha ha, I wooon’t!
Then Sawyer went to find Kate and explain to her about how he’s totally going to double-cross Mocke AND Widmore!
In Sideways World, Sawyer decides that he’s gotta make up with Miles because his life is just too pathetic when Michael Landon’s his only friend! This time he skips the flower and the beer and brings the ever-important Sawyer folder!
So he explains about how his parents died when he was little, and how it’s this guy Anthony Cooper’s fault, and that’s why he was in Australia!
“And when I find him, I’m gonna kill him. All slow like.”
“You know…I think you’ve got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance.”
But before Miles could finish his psychoanalysis, this car SLAMS into them!!! And someone jumps out and starts running away, and we’re all like “Baseball cap? Running? MUST BE KATE!”
Which of course it is! And Sawyer’s all son-of-a-bitching about her because this was that chick that he helped escape airport security the other day!! Which makes no sense now that we know he’s a cop, but WHATEVER!
Sawyer: You have the right to remain sexy! I MEAN SILENT.
Kate: FRISK ME, DADDY.
“So I told Mocke that I’d help him attack Widmore, and I told Widmore I’d help him attack Mocke. Mocke thinks I’m going to fly that plane off the island with him.”
“But how can we fly a plane off the island, none of us know how to fly!”
Sawyer: That’s why we’re takin’ that sub, Freckles.
Kate: But we don’t know how to pilot one of those either.
WHO or WHAT is locked in Widmore’s sub?
HOW crazy was Smokey’s mom?
WILL we get to see Richard in chains on Tuesday?
FIND OUT! ON NEXT WEEK’S LOST!!