This week on Lost, Jin learns French, Sun receives some unsettling news, and Locke gets to make another sacrifice to the Island.
So little Ji Yeon’s on the phone with her mummy, and she’s going, “When are you coming back?”
“I’ll be home soon, baby. I’ve just got to kill a little bug-eyed bitch and then I’ll be on my way. Annyong!”
And Annyong was like, “Hello?”
Then Sun gets out of the car and goes over to Benry and is like, “YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND. IF YOU WANT BEEF THEN BRING THE RUCKUS, SUN-HWA KWON AIN’T NOTHIN TO F**K WITH.”
“No way, I can prove that he’s alive! And also he speaks French now! Now let me take approximately 42 minutes to explain how and why I know this!”
Back on the island, Jin is confused. This chick claims to be Danielle Rousseau and yet she is all young and hot and pregnant and not completely crazy, and most importantly not dead. And now she tells him it’s 1988!?
“HOW CAN THIS BE 1988? WHERE ARE YOUR “DON’T WORRY BE HAPPY” T-SHIRTS? WHY IS YOUR HAIR NOT CRIMPED AND/OR FROSTED? WHY DON’T THESE GUYS HAVE STUPID DON JOHNSON WHITE BLAZERS WITH ROLLED CUFFS?”
“Dude, calm down! Tell me how to get to the radio tower! I want to broadcast “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” all over the island so Danielle and I can practice our Dirty Dancing moves!”
So now they’re off to find the radio tower, and Danielle and Robert are being super cute and you’re thinking, “Maybe this will be a parallel universe in which Danielle doesn’t go all Rambo and kill everyone….right? Cause I kind of like this guy.”
“I’m Montand! I’m an epic dickhead! Where is Nadine, that bitch? This is what happens when you bring a woman! She’s probably out there chasing a butterfly and PMS-ing while asking for directions and nagging all the male polar bears about when they’re going to fix the toilet!”
Little did Montand know, Nadine was toast. FRENCH TOAST.
The Smoke Monster was all, “WTF, WHO IS THIS MISOGYNISTIC ASSHOLE!?”
Smoke Monster: tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch tch
Smoke Monster: 1950 CALLED, THEY WANT THEIR SOCIAL MORES BACK.
Montand: FRENCH, MOTHERF**KER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?
Smoke Monster: VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE!!!!!!!!!
Smokey was hungry for French food!!! And there was Super Action Jungle Music so you knew this was serious business!!!
AND MONTAND’S ARM GOT RIPPED OFF! AND THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE!
So everyone thinks he’s been sucked down into this Smoke Monster hole, but all of the sudden they hear his voice and he’s like, Hello up there? I’m still alive but am in quite a lot of pain. I think my legs might be broken but, i’ll try to stand up… AGHHHHH! Yes, they are broken!
And the guys are like, “Oh my GOD are we going to have to go down there and get him!? I never even liked that guy!”
Perhaps you could toss me a Band Aid, or some antibacterial cream? I am in an extraordinary amount of pain! The wound is beginning to smell a little like almonds, which is not good. I fear it might be gangrenous! Anyone…?
So the guys lower themselves into the Hole of Doom and Danielle is ready to follow them, but then Jin is like, “NO! It is dangerous! And plus you won’t fit through that little hole, look at you!! You’re rounder than Locke’s noggin!”
But then Jin flashes away! And after a bit of wandering around, he finds the guys who just went into the hole, but they’re a lot more dead than when he saw them last.
And then he sees Danielle, and she’s starting to look like her old self again! She’s got a rifle pointed at Robert! And he’s all, “But I had the time of my life! And I owe it all to you!”
But she’s like, “ARE YOU AN IMPOSTER” and kills him!!!! RAMBOUSSEAU HAD BEEN BORN!
But then Jin flashes away AGAIN and this time a dude is behind him with a gun and he’s like “TURN AROUND” and Jin sees him and it’s Sawyer and there is some major hug action!!!!!!
ksdf’;lasdkf’;kads’fl;kadsl;fkdsl; IT’S GUY LOVE, BETWEEN TWO GUYS.
And Jin’s like, “Hello my dear fellows! How I have missed you these last few days! Without you all, I felt so unnatural and out of sorts! And where would I be without you all? To be, or not to be, that is the question! Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?”
“Wait a second, you float around in the ocean for a couple days and all of the sudden you’re William Freaking Shakespeare? Since when it your Jinglish not so…Jingly!?”
And Juliet’s like, “And…um…I wasn’t going to say anything, but why do you smell like ripped-off arms and French people?”
So apparently Jin’s magical English-speaking abilities disappeared right in time for Sawyer to explain TIME TRAVEL to him lol.
Everyone wanted Miles “Encino Man” Straume to translate, but he knows as much Korean as I do! Luckily Charlotte Staples Center apparently speaks perfect Korean!
“He wants to know where Sun is. He also said he knows that he should be attracted to Daniel because he’s brilliant and caring, but he has to admit Sawyer is bangin’.”
“…that’s not what I said!”
“Look Sun, I can prove to you Jin is alive, but you have to come with me, I know a chick who can get us back to the island.”
“If you’re not telling the truth I’m going to pop a cap in your ass!”
Kate’s like “You guys are crazy, I’m out like a fat kid in dodgeball.”
And Sayid’s looks at Ben and Jack and he’s like, “If I see either one of you again, it’ll be extremely unpleasant for all of us – WE ARE DONE PROFESSIONALLY!!!” and speeds away in the Pwnmobile.
And then Jack looks at Ben and Sun and he’s like, “Well, that was awkward…sooooo…Fourthmeal?”
Charlotte: Will going back to The Orchid stop the flashes?
Daniel: It makes empirical sense that the possibility of successfully navigating through these flashes is approximately three thousand, seven hundred and twenty to one!”
Charlotte: Daniel, you sound like C-3PO again.
Daniel: And you are my little R2-D2, my love!
Charlotte: Beep beep boop.
But before they can make it back to The Orchid the island just goes CRAZY! If the island is like a record skipping through time, Jacob is using the island to lay down some fat beats. Word.
And everyone’s like “STOP THE INSANITYYYYYYY!!!!!!!”
When they finally stopped skipping through time, there were more nosebleeds than backstage at SNL circa 1977!
So then Charlotte starts babbling in Korean and in the creepiest way possible she was like, “JIN, DON’T LET THEM BRING SUN BACK HERE! THIS PLACE IS DEATH!” and we were like, “lol episode title.”
Meanwhile, Sun, Jack, and Benry are on their way to the Taco Bell drive thru when Jack takes a cue from Kate and starts whining about how it’s HIS fault that Jin’s on the island!
“Look Jack, don’t cry! Let’s agree to disagree and just blame all of this on Ben! I mean we’re obviously going to kill him, so let’s not point any fingers. Unless they’re at Ben. Who is sitting right here.”
But Ben just FREAKS OUT and he’s like, “LISTEN MISSY! DON’T MAKE ME TURN THIS VAN AROUND, DO I HAVE TO PUT MY RINGS ON AND COME BACK THERE!? I AM HELPING YOU. END OF STORY.”
So Charlotte’s jabbering complete nonsense at this point (Hybrid from BSG, anyone?), so no one really listens to her when she’s like, “Find the well!”
Locke, Sawyer, Miles, and Juliet leave Daniel and Charlotte in the jungle and mosey over to The Orchid. Juliet’s like, “Wow what are the odds we’d be here when it was built!?” which is like being in a horror movie and saying, “I’ll be right back!”
Turns out it was a good thing Charlotte told everyone about that well! Ramblings of a madman my ass.
So Locke’s like, “Alrighty then, I’m just going to jump down this well, I hope that chick from The Ring isn’t down there lol.”
“TELL MY WIFE I AM DEAD. TAKE MY RING TO PROVE IT. THIS IS A FOOLPROOF PLAN.”
Then Locke is all “Geronimooooooooo! [Jackson!]“
Sawyer: What will happen if he doesn’t make it?
Juliet: LOCKES FALL, EVERYONE DIES?
Miles: That’s comforting.
Juliet: So long, Locke! And thanks for all the fish!
Well: LOLOL I feel tingly.
Locke: I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.
Us: Why are we not surprised?
Dude got Nikki and Paulo-ed.
By this point, Charlotte’s prognosis was pretty freaking grim. Thanks to all the flashes she finally remembered – she grew up on this island! And she was forced to leave when she was little, and she became an anthropologist not just to wear khaki jumpsuits in the desert like she had always imagined, but to also find this island!
Too bad the island apparently HATES HER GUTS!
“But I was warned this would happen!”
“Seriously?? Isn’t it totally obvious yet??”
“Not as obvious as the fact that Mrs. Hawking is my mother!”
“It was you! And you were scary! I think you were going for Mad Scientist, but you came off more like Creepy Pedophile!”
“I knew that mustache was a bad idea!”
And then she became the first person to actually suffer Death by Chocolate.
RIP, Charlotte Staples Center. We
didn’t care to hardly knew ye.
So despite being buried alive, Locke falls to the floor of this well and his leg just SNAPS IN HALF and we’re all like OMG DUDE WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOUR LEGS, YOU NEED FULL BODY ARMOR OR SOMETHING!!!!
Christian: John, John, John. You didn’t listen to me. I told you what to do back in the cabin.
Locke: Don’t tell me what I can’t do!
Christian: I didn’t tell you what you CAN’T do, I told you what TO do, you nincompoop!
“I tried to move the island but Ben wouldn’t let meeeee.”
“Buck up, little camper. I’m not mad at you, just disappointed.”
“That’s even wooooorse.” *bawls*
“Just be a big boy and go over and set that wheel back on its axis! Once you’ve done it, go to LA and find Mrs. Hawking and she will give you milk and cookies and tell you how to fix this mess, okay? It will only cost bus fare and your life. Good luck!”
*sniff* “But why do I gotta die?”
Christian: You are a sacrifice the island demands! btw say hi to my son!
Locke: Why would he want me to say hi to Sun?
And apparently the special effects team from Beetlejuice was on set that day! And Locke fixed the wheel! Finally!! He did something right!!!
Everything was v. glowy and therefore v. dramatic.
Back in LA, Ben FINALLY gave Sun Jin’s ring, and he’s like, “I had it on me the whole time, I just like to build the suspense.”
“There is a nice old lady inside who will give us cookies and milk and also the way to get back to the island, so behave yourselves inside. Don’t touch anything.”
And then out of nowhere we were graced with the dulcet tones of a certain Scotsman!!!
Desmond: What ahr yoo doin’ hee-yah!?
Ben: We came for milk and cookies. And also secrets of the universe.
Desmond: So I guess you’re meeting up with Daniel’s mom too?
Ben: Exsqueeze me? Baking powder?
And Jesus was like “Even I don’t know wtf is happening, don’t ask me.”
“I thought I asked you to bring ALL your little friends, Benjamin.”
“I don’t HAVE any friends, Eloise.”
“Well, you are kind of a douche. We’ll have to make due with what we have for now. LET’S DO THIS THING.”