This week on Lost, people we thought were dead are alive, people we thought were alive are kind of dead, Smokey gets homesick, the Losties check out the Temple of Doom, and we finally land at LAX.
Previously on Lost…
Juliet exploded the H-bomb to some sad tinkly piano music so she could reset time…
…and Jacob quite literally died in a fire.
So Jack is on this plane, looking out at the fluffy white clouds, thinking about how that one over there looks like a huge puffy Vicodin, when Cindy walks by.
Despite needing a stronger drink like I need a hole in the head, she once again gives Jack another tiny bottle of booze just like before, and we’re like “OH HEY I REMEMBER THIS, PUT YOUR TRAYS INTO THE UPRIGHT POSITION, PEOPLE!”
AND THE PLANE STARTS SHAKING AND BUMPING AROUND, AND WE’RE LIKE “OMG THIS IS IT, THEY ARE TOTALLY CRASHING AGAIN…”
…BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT, RIGHT?
But then Rose is like, “You can let go now…and you can stop whimpering now, too…pussy.”
And we’re confused because while Rose is acting like she has no idea what could have just happened, the
Jears ghosts of Jack’s past glistening in his eyes seem to be telling us otherwise!!
And Bernard’s like, “During all that turbulence, I was in the bathroom and I spelled out S.O.S. in urine, but I have no idea why…”
So then Jack runs into the bathroom and notices his neck bleeding, and he’s like “Either I cut myself shaving, or I was just magically transported into a parallel universe when an H-bomb exploded on an island full of mysteries and this blood is from a wound I got while in a gunfight with a bunch of mathematicians and hippies…hmmm…”
So we’re all thinking, “OKAY so the bomb worked and now time was set back to 2004 and everything is exactly as it should be, right?” that is, until DESMOND is all like, “Hey Brothah, mind if I sit here?” and we’re all like “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!??????????”
And Jack’s like staring at him for a second and he’s like…
Jack: I’m sorry, but do I know you from somewhere?
Desmond: Um, I played Jesus in a movie once…
Jack: No, that’s not it…didn’t I meet you at that stadium that night back in the day?
“Ohhh hey brothah. I didn’t recognize you without the bangs and pit stains!”
Jack: That night you told me you’d see me in another life, but this is TOTALLY not what I thought you meant.
Desmond: You think me being here is crazy, just wait until you see this next bit!
So the camera pans out of the plane and down, down, down into the ocean and then there it is!!! Thanks to years of people sweating and crying on the island, DHARMAVILLE IS UNDER THE FREAKING OCEAN NOW!!!!!!!! A;SLDFK’A;SLDKF’;LASKFLD;
AND WE ALL KIND OF DID THIS:
Dah nah! Dah nah! Dah nah dah nah DAH NAH DAH NAH DAH NAH DAH NAH DHARMA SHARK!!!!
WE MISSED THIS LEVEL OF MINDFUCKERY, SO THANK YOU LOST. WE MISSED YOU.
Meanwhile, back on the island, Kate wakes up in a tree and promptly
has relations with tackles Miles, who, like her, can’t hear shit and has no idea what’s going on! But the Swan hatch implosion site (and lack of giant mustaches on every man) tells them one thing’s for sure – they’re not in 1977 anymore!
Then Kate spots an unconscious Sawyer laying nearby, and then…
KATE: JACK! WAKE UP!
LOST AUDIENCE: OMFG!!!!
LOST WRITERS: See, there are TWO Jacks now!
ME: NOOOOOOOO THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!
Sawyer apparently shared my sentiments because without any hesitation he got up and kicked Jack square in the noggin!!! It was hilarious!
And Emo!Sawyer’s all like, “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IT DIDN’T WORK AND YOU KILLED MY GIRL AND NOW WE’RE BACK IN 2007!!!!! MORE YELLING!!!”
“Okay look, I get it, I was completely wrong, and people are dead because of me, but seriously how would I manage to cry in every single episode if everything just went as expected?!”
“AM I HAVING A STROKE RIGHT NOW??? WE ALL KNEW THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA AND YET WE DID IT BECAUSE YOU WERE SO ~*SURE*~ OF YOURSELF, AND NOW YOU’RE SAYING…”
Jack: …I’m saying “My bad!” alright? No hard feelings?
Sawyer: *HEAD EXPLODES*
And then Kate steals Jack’s pen when they meet for the first time (for the last time?), and Kate’s all like, “Hey if you ever want to go get caught in a net together sometime, let me know!”
And then Sawyer shows up on the plane, and we’re all kind of like “Wait, isn’t Sawyer supposed to be the hot one?”
And of course Leslie Arzt is there being obnoxious and not blown up, and he’s making Hurley do impressions of Australian chickens or something, and Hurley’s like “I won the lottery! I am the luckiest guy in the world!! I am very nice and trusting and wouldn’t realize it if someone tried to con me out of all my money!”
But Sawyer’s like, “I wouldn’t go broadcasting the fact that you won the lottery, mister. Someone might hear and try and take advantage of you, and I’m already all over that like white on rice.”
Back on the island, while all the men are trying to figure out who gets to the be Alpha Male, Kate hears a tiny little “Help me!” coming from the gigantic pile of scrap metal in the center of the hatch!!!
WHAT THE WHAT!?!?!?!?! JULIET’S NOT DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW COULD SHE SURVIVE FALLING DOWN THAT HOLE WITH ALL THAT OTHER STUFF DOWN THERE!?
THIS SHOW IS UNREALISTIC.
Juliet may not be dead, but unfortunately for Sayid, he is almost there!!!!!!
Sayid: I’m beginning to think all that killing and torcha I participated in throughout my life wasn’t such a brilliant idea.
Hurley: Don’t worry dude, you’ll be fine! Did you hear something? Where’s that gun…
Sayid: I think I’m going to end up…downstairs.
Hurley: You mean like in a hatch?
“No Hugo, he means like in H-E-double hockey sticks, that’s what! Which I know a lot about, considering I’m currently playing Lucifer on Supernatural. But don’t worry Sayid – I always have a plan!”
Good thing it was only Jacob and not someone dangerous lurking in the bushes – Hugo has no idea how to use a gun! (If he needed to do some real damage, he’d have to find a Hot Pocket or two!)
And of course Jin went back to being Wifey McBeaty again. Sigh.
“Button your sweater! I’ll not have my totally subservient wife going around flashing her collar bone like a common whore!”
And while Frogurt has some pleasant dreams that don’t involve being shot to death with flaming arrows, Boone and Locke got to know one another!
Locke: Yeah I was totally on a Walkabout, we hunted our food and slept under the stars, and I never had to yell “DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN’T DO” at anyone. Pretty awesome.
Boone: Wow, a Walkabout? You’re not pulling my leg, are you?
Locke: I’m not pulling your leg, but you could be pulling my leg right now for all I know. I’d have no idea.
Lost Audience: HEY LOCKE, ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN’T JUST GO ON A ROLLABOUT?
Locke: What were you in Australia for?
“Well, I went to get my sister out of a bad relationship, but it turns out she was busy filming a movie so she couldn’t be here on set. Anyway, you seem like you know what you’re talking about when it comes to survival stuff – if this plane goes down, I’m sticking with you.”
“I don’t see that ending badly at all! Oh hey by the way…what’s it like being a vampire?”
Meanwhile, Richard is trying his best to keep Ilana’s Army of Champions out of Club Jacob, when PTSD!Ben comes running out and he’s like, “John wants to talk to you, Dick!” and Richard is like, “O RLY?” and Ben’s like, “YA RLY!”
But then Richard gets all badass and throws Ben on the ground to show him how talking to Locke might be kind of hard at this juncture! The REAL Locke’s body is in that box, and Ben pretty much had the same exact reaction WE all had last year when we found out that other dude was just an imposter, i.e. “OMGWTFPOLARBEAR!!?!?!?!ONE!!!!!???”
“How’d you know about the plane, dude!? How’d you know that I’d come back here!? Did you know about all the time travel?! How are we gonna save Sayid!? Who ARE you, dude!?”
“You think I’m going to spill all that right now, Hugo? It’s only the season premiere for chrissakes! Be patient! Now if you want to save Sayid, bring that guitar case, go to the bigass wall, bust a right at Montand’s arm, go through the rabbit hole, and eventually my temple homies will find you. They’ll know what to do. I’m Jacob, btw.”
And the big rescue for
Baby Jessica Juliet is underway, even though she stopped making her little sad “I’m still alive” noises.
Sawyer tells Kate that if Juliet dies down there, he’s totally going to kill Jack! (Fingers crossed!)
Back in Alterna-World, Cindy calls for a doctah in the house, and of course Jack comes to save the day, and of course Sayid comes to break down the door using nothing but the pure BAMF-ness running through his veins, and of course, it’s CHARLIE IN THERE!!! And he’s not breathing!!!
Jack knows something’s blocking his airway, and he’d open up his throat with his pen if Kate hadn’t STOLEN IT earlier, so Jack goes fishing around in Charlie’s throat, and I’m hoping for a teeny tiny Virgin Mary statue, but it turns out it was just a boring old bag of heroin.
Jack: HEY CHARLIE! YAH GONNA DIE IF YOU KEEP SWALLOWING WHOLE BAGS OF NARCOTICS!
Charlie: No shit, Sherlock. If it wasn’t for you and your incessant FIXINESS I would have died like Elvis, sitting on the crapper!
So that Bram guy gets pissed off and drags Ben into Club Jacob, and Mocke is in there, and he’s like “Jacob is dead! Long live the King!” and he tells Bram he can skedaddle because his services (which were supposed to be keeping Jacob NOT dead) are no longer needed!
“Good day to you sir!”
But Bram doesn’t get it, so him and his lackies shoot at Mocke, only the bullets don’t hurt him, and he runs off into his dressing room to slip into something more comfortable, and all of the sudden you hear that familiar TCH-TCH-TCH-TCH noise, and Beefy McPortlypants knows the only way to ward off an angry dot matrix printer is to make a circle of ash around himself, and he does it, but it’s too late!
The SMOKEY ALARM WAS ALREADY GOING OFF.
AND SMOKEY IS ALL, “I SAID GOOD DAY!!!!” and it killed everything in its path, except wee little Benjamin, who was busy pissing himself in the corner!
SO THEN MOCKE COMES BACK OUT OF THE DRESSING ROOM AGAIN, AND HE’S LIKE “I’M SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE ME LIKE THAT,” AND WE’RE ALL LIKE, “DID HE JUST SAY WHAT I THINK HE SAID!!?!?!?!?!?!?!”
And by the look on Ben’s face (who was impersonating that bushbaby thing again), we knew we HAD to have heard it right! THAT GUY IS TOTALLY THE SMOKE MONSTER!!!! ;alsdf’;alskdf’l;ksdl;fkasd’;lfkas;’ldkfl;sd
And then Sawyer finally gets to Juliet, and she’s saying something about getting coffee sometime, and going Dutch, and being on an alien show, and how she had something “really really important” to tell him, and she’s all, “Kiss me, James!” and he did it, and it was kind of cheeseball/melodramatic, even for Lost! But whatever!
Sawyer: ILU2 EVEN THOUGH YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE RADIATION.
Unfortunately for everyone involved the magical healing powers of Sawyer’s lips didn’t cut it, and the tinkly piano death music starts up again, and Juliet dies! And Sawyer manages to carry her up through this giant hole on his own, and he’s got Juliet dangling in his arms, and he looks straight at Jack and he’s like, “YOU DID THIS!!!!!” and many of us were like “YAY JACK KILLING TIME NOW, RIGHT?!”
Back on the plane, Charlie’s being led away in handcuffs, and he’s like, “I was supposed to die!” and we’re like “Don’t make us go through that again dammit, we just got you back!”
And Jack goes back to his seat, and Desmond’s not there anymore, so he asks Rose and Bernard if they know where he went, and Bernard’s like, “Well I’ve got this theory that he’s actually traveling around time and space, hopping between alternate universes like a skipping stone.”
But Rose is all, “Or he’s in the bathroom. We were too busy tongue kissing to notice. Sorry.”
*tries to unhear that last part*
And then we got a montage of people getting ready to LAND in a plane, which is like a first on Lost! And TV’s Greg Grunberg comes over the PA system to tell everyone they’re in LA!
It’s totally weird to see them all actually getting off the plane and walking into LAX. Nothing is as it should be – except for poor John Locke who is still Paulo lies, whose life apparently blows, no matter which dimension he’s in. ;_;
So now everyone’s getting ready to go make Sayid the Legend of the Hidden Temple, only Sawyer says he’s going to stay behind to bury Juliet. And Kate’s like, “I WANT TO BURY HER, CAN I CAN I!?”
But Sawyer sends her packing and asks Miles to stay and help – and it’s not because of Miles’ super grave digging skillz.
Airline Employee #1: OCEANIC PASSENGER JACK SHEPHARD. ATTENTION OCEANIC PASSENGER JACK SHEPHARD. YOU ARE A DOUCHE. THAT IS ALL.
Airline Employee #2: Give me that microphone you little – Oceanic Passenger Jack Shephard, please report to the Baggage Area immediately.
Airline Employee #1: I THINK HE ALREADY HAS ENOUGH BAGGAGE, TO BE HONEST.
Airline Employee #2: Will you give me that *clicks off intercom*
And because All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Corpse Issues, the airline informs Dr. Shephard that not only did they lose Christian’s coffin, they don’t even remember where they put the damn thing!
“It’s always in the last place you look, isn’t it? lulz!”
So Jin leads Hurley and gang over to the hole where Montand discovered he’d never be able to do a handstand again, and Hurley’s trying to explain that this temple thing is going to save Sayid’s life somehow.
“Just kick the random French body parts aside.”
They crawl down into the hole, carefully step over the place Ben fell through the floor to hang out with not!Alex, and it seems like they might be okay – until Kate hears the whispers!
And of course, everyone gets kidnapped! Again! By the Other Others.
But these guys have funny hats! And they actually bring them to The Temple! It’s pretty badass!!
Airline Employee: Do you have anything to declare?
Marshal: Only a murderer! LOLZ! I kill me! No wait, SHE kills me! I crack me up!
Airline Employee: I don’t think we have a stamp for that…
Kate: I declared a toy airplane that I’d like back now, bitches.
So then Kate says she has to go to the bathroom, and we think maybe she’s going to try and escape Trainspotting-style!
But then we began to question just how competent the Marshal is, after Kate manages to escape from him yet AGAIN, this time using only the pen she stole from Jack and an airport sink!
(Did you notice that he got hit in the head in the SAME SPOT the suitcase hit him in the original crash? Hmmmm?)
So she runs away, the writers are all like, “I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS NOW, BOYS AND GIRLS!!!”
It’s SKATE O’CLOCK!!! In an elevator!
And Kate’s like, “Hey if you ever want to do it in some polar bear cages sometime, let me know!”
Miles is helping Sawyer bury Juliet, and they’re just about finished, when Sawyer throws him on the ground and
has relations with him demands that he find out what the “really important thing” Juliet was going to say was!
And even though Miles totally doesn’t want to do it for some reason, he does his weirdo ghost whisperer thing and he finds out what she wanted to say – “It worked!”
It suddenly dawned on us/Miles that perhaps Juliet’s weird Coffee Talk earlier right before she died meant that she had somehow flashed into another universe and asked Sawyer (or someone else?) on a date, and then flashed back and died v. dramatically, and THAT’S how she must have known it worked! OMG!!!!!!!!! Juliet is the new Desmond, SISTAHS!!!!
So back at the Legends of the Hidden Temple, this ornery dude struts out with the human equivalent of a lap dog as his companion, and he’s all like, “Who are these hooligans? I thought I told you damn kids to stay off my lawn!”
And then look who it is, but Cindy!!! And it looks like some of Kate’s hair crawled off her head and made a new home on Cindy’s head! And she’s like, “I know these people, they were on the first plane,” and we’re all kind of like “WTF Cindy last time we saw you, you were hanging out in Dharmaville – what gives!??”
But Ornery Guy tells his lackies/Pirates of the Caribbean extras to shoot everyone, and Hurley feels that’s a bit hasty, and he’s like, “JACOB IS MY CO-PILOT!” and those seem to be the magic words! And Hurley shows the Other Others the guitar case Jacob gave to him outside the prison!
It was totally an ankh! And also the fanciest envelope ever! And Ornery Guy knew just what to do with it. He broke it open and found a letter inside!
So the Lap Dog Guy is like “Come with us, bring Tank Top inside,” and Hurley’s like “Whoa whoa I carried that damn thing around with me through the airport, and the jungle, and the space time continuum – I deserve to hear what it says!”
“It says if we don’t save your friend ASAP, we’re going to have to declare THREAT LEVEL: MIDNIGHT.”
So the Ornery Guy warns the Losties that there are risks involved in doing what he’s about to do (“Like, we might kill him and shit”), and we wonder – is this is what they did to Baby Ben when he had been shot, when Richard stole his “innocence?” Does Sayid even have any innocence left to steal!? Isn’t he kinda…tainted!?
So anyway, this guy cuts open his hand and dips it into this giant crazy spring thingy that should be clear, but looks more like iced tea, and they lower Sayid into it! And then Jack was all like, “I take the blame for what happened to Sayid” and we’re all like “Great Jack, baby steps, soon you’ll be admitting you’re responsible for ALL of this!”
Like sands through the hourglass…so are the Sayidays of Our Lives.
*Jeopardy theme plays*
So they flip this hourglass thing, and they’re pretty much DROWNING Sayid in this freaking iced tea jacuzzi, and everyone is flipping out because Sayid may be able to get a girl pregnant just by looking at her, and he may put the “laughter” in “manslaughter,” but he can’t breathe underwater/fight dysentery or whatever the frak is in that hot tub!!
And once the timeturner is done the Final Countdown, they carry Sayid back up out of the jacuzzi (not in any ~*super symbolic*~ pose or anything), and lay him on the ground, and check his vitals…
“Sry2say, Tank Top is dead. Woopsie daisy!” *walks away, whistling to himself*
And OF COURSE Jack “I’m a doctor, not a WORK MAN” Shephard has to perform DON’T-YOU-DIE-ON-ME-DAMMIT-CPR on a corpse, and OF COURSE Kate is there screaming for him to stop, and we’re all thinking, “WHY DOES THIS ALL SEEM SO FAMILIAR!?” and then we realize we’ve seen this exact scene like 4 frillion times. Snore.
But never fear, my dears. Sayid was only BRB-ing.
So Kate’s still on the run after bonking her one inept guard on the head and then taking a sexy elevator ride with Sawyer, and she cuts in front of Frogurt, (who has NO time for her lack of courtesy) and jumps in a cab!
Except someone else is in that cab – it’s Claire! And her wig!
HEY CLAIRE, you’d better not give birth in that taxi or else Kate’s gonna steal your baybee!
So Cindy swings by the Temple with the two Tailie kids, and she’s like, “Here, have a snack! We brought you guys some chips and some delicious purple Kool-Aid! Try it! Best thing I ever tasted!”
And Hurley’s in the VIP Lounge with Ornery Guy and Lap Dog…
Ornery Guy: So when is Jacob stopping by? He said he’d bring over my copy of Eat, Pray, Love.
Hurley: Not gonna happen any time soon, man. He dead.
Ornery Guy: No no, I said JACOB. When is Jacob coming here?
Hurley: I say you, he dead!
“Well, shit. SOUND THE ALARMS!!!!!”
And then all the people in funny hats are running around, pouring ashes all over the place, setting off fireworks, ringing bells and screaming! As it turns out, they don’t care about keeping the Losties IN, they need to keep a certain vengeful cloud of Smoke OUT!!!
THIS IS THREAT LEVEL: MIDNIGHT. Somebody call Agent Michael Scarn!
Meanwhile, back at
Club Jacob Smokey Joe’s Cafe, Ben is trying to wrap his head around what the hell just happened…
Ben: What are you!?
Mocke: I’M A MONSTER!!!!!!!! LOL just kidding, I’m a “who,” not a “what.”
Ben: You used me! You couldn’t kill him yourself and you had me do it for you! HOW DARE YOU!?
Mocke: Um, exsqueeze me? Baking powder? Weren’t you the one always having other people do YOUR dirty work?
Ben: Hey Bub, I’ve killed plenty of people before. All by myself like a big boy!
And Mocke was like, “Speaking of which, you want to know what John was thinking when you killed him? He was thinking, I don’t understand. Isn’t that the saddest thing EVER? Like OMG my heart (if I have one) just BLEEDS for this guy! All he ever wanted was for his life to be not so craptastic all the time. Not too much to ask, I think.”
So Ben asks Mocke what exactly it is that he wants, and Smokey says that he wants to go home! Which sounds simple enough, but where the hell does a giant cloud of judgmental, homicidal black smoke that can morph into dead people call home? A fireplace? A volcano? The Industrial Revolution? WHERE?
And then Terry O’Quinn reminded us that when he wants to, he can be the scariest motherfucker on the show with one little bend of his eyebrows.
YIKES, GUYS. HE’S LIKE A PISSED OFF VULTURE.
So anyway our intrepid Ghostbusters Hurley and Miles are hanging out with Sayid, and Hurley doesn’t seem to have seen Sayid’s ghost yet, and Miles is staring at him – kind of like the way he stared at Claire after Sawyer rescued her from that blown up house, amiright??
Little did they know, Sayid was totally arm wrestling Death. And he was about to win…kind of.
And Sawyer wakes up from being knocked out by Other Others, and unfortunately he made a decision while he was unconscious…
Kate: How you feeling?
Sawyer: Sucky. But I’m not going to kill Jack anymore. Let him suffer on this island like the rest of us.
Me: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. *throws things at TV*
And then Jack yells at his greiving mother, proving yet again that he is The World’s Biggest Dickhead. I mean SERIOUSLY!!!!
So he’s sitting there bitching and moaning about how the airline lost his father’s coffin, and how his entire life just sucks balls because he’s a successful surgeon whose wife left him…
…when a certain unlucky Box Man rolls up and explains that no one can know where Jack’s father really is *coughheistotallyontheislandcough* and that they only lost his body!
And we were reminded at what a nice guy Locke used to be, and how he really DID just want his life to be less shitty.
The audience just wanted to give him a big “Sorry your life always blows” hug at that moment!!
Locke’s adorableness even managed to work on Jack, who told him he’d give him a free consult about his condition, even though Locke told him it was totally irreversible!
“I’m a fixer, let me fix you!! I can fix everything except my sad broken emo heart! I can reverse anything! Even like time itself! No problemo!”
So anyway Richard and Company are hanging around the beach when Richard sees the Other Others’ fireworks going off, and for the first time EVER, Richard actually seems scared – like REALLY scared!!!
And Mocke strolls out of the foot, and he says something to Richard about how it’s nice to see him out of those chains (PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!!!) and he screams to everyone that he’s VERY DISAPPOINTED IN THEM, (which is way worse than him just being mad, right?) and he kicks Richard’s ass and carries him into the jungle!
And now we can all kind of see why everyone else on this island is firmly on Team Jacob!!! This Smokey guy is a TURBO DOUCHE!
And then the Lap Dog Guy comes into the temple and tells Jack to come outside with him (could, perhaps, CHRISTIAN be wanting a visit? Hm??), and of course Jack says no, and the guy’s about to drag him out, when all of the sudden he’s all “O.M.G.”
Sayid sits up and is all like, “Wha happened!?” He had just triumphed over Death in his arm wrestling match, and was TOTALLY not dead!!!!!
Either that or Jacob got all up inside him like a middle-aged lady getting inside a Snuggie. ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
“Now someone get me my torcha scrunchie. Stat.”