This week on Lost Kate fights to keep custody of Aaron, Sawyer has a Marty McFly moment, we revisit some old friends, and everyone is left wondering: “When will my nose start bleeding!?”
So it’s like the day before the Oceanic 6 are miraculously ~*discovered*~ and Jack and Kate are on the boat having a talk about Aaron.
“I’ll lie and say Aaron’s mine, I’m sure no one mentioned in my arrest record that I wasn’t 6 months pregnant at the time.”
“Well if we’re lying about that, let’s lie about everything else too! Lie together, die alone…or no wait…anyway…R U WITH ME!?”
“I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WITH U…except for when I was with Sawyer. Although I was with you when I banged Sawyer in the polar bear cage, weirdly enough.”
“But he’s gone now. So I choose you, Jack-achu.”
So to prove how much she loved Aaron, Kate went and left him with a homicidal babysitter!
“You just wait here, honey! Don’t eat too much sugar and no touching Aunt Sun’s pistol!”
And SunPac went and opened her box of GLOCKLATES and tapped her fingers together in a nefarious fashion!!
On the island, Charlotte was still having the whole brains-coming-out-of-nose problem.
Juliet: If there’s something you want to tell me, tell me now. Is this from all the time traveling??
Daniel: Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Juliet: What happened to then?
Daniel: We passed it.
Daniel: Just now. We’re at now, now.
Juliet: Go back to then.
Daniel: I can’t.
Daniel: We missed it.
Daniel: Just now.
Juliet: When will then be now?
Meanwhile Kate is trying to get this lawyer dude to fess up about who he’s working for.
“Just tell me who wanted the blood samples!. I have a right to know. HE’S MY SON, DAMMIT!”
“Not the momma!”
“HE’S MY SO…wait a second, did you just make a Dinosaurs reference!?”
“Forget it. Bottom line is we both know he’s not your kid, so prepare yourself. We’re gonna have to take the boy. BOOM! YOU JUST GOT LAWYERED!”
“YOU CAN’T TAKE MAH BOY…RIGHT OUTTA MAH HANDS!!!!!!”
So Locke and Sawyer are standing around, waiting for Charlotte to wake up, enjoying the scenery, when Locke’s all, “Stop looking at my manboobs and listen to me! We have to go to The Orchid!”
“And why in the hell would we want to do that!?”
“Because I think I can make this island stop flashing. I’ve got to get everyone that left back,even if it kills me. You want HER back, don’t you!?”
“…make it happen, Captain.”
And then Charlotte
unfortunately woke up from her Time Traveler coma! But none of us really cared!
Well, except for Daniel.
“Christ Sayid! You had 3 horse tranquilizers in you!”
“Luckily I run on an internal 450-horsepower combustion PWN ENGINE, so I was safe.”
“You know…before Ben made me shave my beard I probably had the equivalent of 3 horse tranqs in me too lol.”
“…Not something to brag about, Rehab.”
And then we found out Hurley decided to dress like the sun in those Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowl commercials while he’s in prison!
Ho hum, this episode has been going for 13 minutes and I still haven’t gotten to do any crazy ninja moves. Sigh.
“I think I can help you with that! TASTE MY BLOW DARTS, BITCH!!!”
But this guy wasn’t aware Sayid got an IV league education in Kicking Ass and Taking Names.
“Looks like you’re the one on life support now.” *chuckles*
And that’s when Jack and Ben roll up and Ben’s like “Oh good, the gang’s all here!” And then they found Kate’s address in the dude’s pocket!
“I know it’s you Jack, your name came up on my caller id.”
Jack: Oh…listen, you and Aaron are in danger!
Kate: I don’t have time for this, me and Aaron are in dan…oh wait.
And then Benry called shotgun! But he had to ride bitch, as does anyone who rides with Sayid.
So Sawyer and Locke & Co. are traipsing through the jungle when all of the sudden the light from the hatch is all HI REMEMBER ME and you hear some chick screaming her BRAINS out and Sawyer goes to check it out – and it’s Season 1 Kate! With pre-wig Claire! And she’s HAVIN’ THE BAY-BEH!!!!!
And Sawyer’s all, “I WANT TO GO TO THERE” and we’re all like OMG SAWYER I WILL COMFORT YOU. PHYSICALLY.
It kind of broke all our hearts, I mean there’s Kate being the best gal she can be, and plus it reminded us that she was there when Aaron was born so maybe she really should be raising him and AW OMG.
With all that Season 1 nostalgia, we were almost as pissed as Sawyer when the island flashed again!!
Locke: What did you see, James?
Sawyer: It don’t matter, it’s gone now.
Lost Writers: See, HE said the same thing KATE said about HIM!
Audience: Oooh, I see what you’ve done there. *hearts explode*
Meanwhile back in 2007, Jack has a little rendezvous with Kate about this whole Aaron kerfuffle.
“You shaved your beard.”
“Actually, it kind of peeled off in one big piece. And then…I think I saw it move.”
“Look, I’m going to use my mad tracking skillz to follow this lawyer to the person that’s trying to steal Aaron! Hop in.”
Miles: Uh, I just got a nosebleed all over my 7th grader mustache. What does that mean?
Daniel: idk, probably that you were born here or something.
Miles: I’m sorry, WHAT!? Also, you’ve got red on you.
They all finally got back to the camp – and it was there! But Rose/Bernard/Vincent/The Zodiac/Dharma Beer were not!
The gang randomly found a gigantic canoe, which is just as likely as randomly coming across a bicycle made for six, am I right??
Our 6 intrepid sailors were making their way to The Orchid when out of nowhere some other Others came and started shooting at them!!!
Luckily Juliet had gotten her Rifle Shooting merit badge from the Others Scouts like 3 years ago!
And then they blinked out of the row-by shooting and into The Perfect Storm! TIME TRAVEL = BITCH.
Back in LA, Kate and Jack were taking turns blaming themselves for things and crying…
“I should have never lied about Aarooooon!”
“I should never have gotten into this car, YIKES.”
“Claire’s mother knows! The jig is up!”
“Aaron’s my family too! In the most complicated sense of the word! I’m gonna go fix this because that’s what I do, okay? I’m a fixer LET ME FIX IT!”
So he runs up to Claire’s mom’s swanky hotel room and he’s like, “Look, I know how this seems, but Kate and I, we LOVE AARON. So don’t take our BAY-BEH. And I’m sure you want to show off pictures to the other grannies of your adorable little grandchild, not like you look like a granny or anything, but omg we just LOVE HIM SO MUCH DON’T STEAL HIM AWAY FROM US THE WAY WE KIND OF SORT OF STOLE HIM FROM YOU, OKAY!!!???”
“…………do I know you?”
“Um…thank you for your time.” *runs away and leaves cartoon cloud in his dust*
And Kate was like, “Jack oh my god it must be terrible news, you are BAWLING!!”
“For the last time, IT’S JUST BEEN RAINING ON MY FACE, NOW LET’S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THE GILF FIGURES OUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED!”
So then Benry and Sayid are driving around LA in a hoopty van…
“You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?”
“What do they call it?”
“They call it a Royale with Cheese.”
And Benry has a little not-at-all-shady parking garage meeting with that guy that’s trying to steal Kate’s “son,” and he tells Benry he’ll be able to get Hurley out of the clink faster than Sayid can flat iron his hair again.
“So is that your lawyer?”
“He’s very good.”
Either Juliet’s got a coke problem she’s unaware of, or now her brain is melting too!!!
And these guys in a boat are going, “IS ANYONE OUT THERE!? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME!?” like those guys in Titanic, only they were saying it in French so they could have been saying “Monkeys fly out of my butt!” for all we know…
…but then they found a guy floating on some debris and IT WAS JIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!! asdf;alkdsjf;lasjklds and there was lots of celebratory dancing and I-told-you-so-ing amongst all the Lost viewers!!!
And then everyone kind of meets up at this marina and Ben’s like, “Haiiii Kate! What a pleasure to see you!”
And Kate’s kind of like O_O
And Ben’s like, “TRUST ME!”
“YEAH, TRUST HIM!!!”
“TRUST HIM!? OMFG HE’S THE ONE THAT IS TRYING TO STEAL AARON RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER OUR SNIFFLY NOSES!!!!!!”
“LOL yeah…that was me. My bad!”
And meanwhile (well 3 years ago, but you know what I mean) Jin is waking up on the beach and he’s apparently got a dead blowfish glued to his lips or something…
And all these people are trying to talk to him and he’s like, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I just learned to speak English and now I’m surrounded by FRENCH UDDERS!?”
But then the nice preggers chick is like, “I speak English, let’s be pals! My name’s Danielle Rousseau!”
And Jin/Us were like O_o LOST, NEVER CHANGE.