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Well this is the end of the line for Lost. Well, sort of. It’s the mini season finale until the show returns in February with 16 new episodes. And what a sendoff to my TVgasm career than a cliffhanger episode of Lost? Well granted all episodes of Lost are kind of cliffhangery, but this one ramped it up a notch. We get new hints at the mystery, some twists, lots of action and Kate doing what she does best. Lying and having sex. Add canasta to that list and she and I are eerily similar in our talents. The show opens in flashback following a brunette woman walking down a hotel hallway. When she gets to her door she turns around and we see that it’s Kate wearing a hairdo that is so bad it makes you pine for her tussled “just got tortured hasn’t been washed in 4 months” hair. At least that one breathes.
Kate opens up one of the boxes she has and we see it’s a bridal veil. Then there is a knock at the door. The voice says that it’s the police but we can tell pretty quickly that they are doing one of those cutesy couple role-playing games. Reminds me of the times Lizardqueen makes me be Ernesto, the 17 year old Mexican cabana boy to her bored rich socialite. God help me if I don’t make the mai-tai just right.
When Kate goes to open the door we see that the police officer is none other than Capt. Malcolm Reynolds of the starship Serenity from the late lamented TV show Firefly. The weirdest half western/half science fiction TV show ever produced. As Kate leaps into his arms we cut to the present where she is locked in her cage. Sawyer is absentmindedly throwing rocks at the meal button over and over again. Sawyer is mopey. Kate doesn’t like a mopey Sawyer so she tries to cheer him up. But when Sawyer is mopey he is also crabby so she ends up not making much headway.
In Jacks cell he is looking over Ben’s medical file. Besides the huge tumor on is spine there is a giant black glob of ooze where his heart should be. FILTHY OTHER!! Ahem. But Jack is more interested in the tumor. As Ben looks on nervously Jack tells him straight up that his tumor is so bad that it is borderline inoperable. He then asks if the operating room they were in is fully functional and sterile. It is. Then Ben goes “OK, let’s do it.” This makes Jack laugh. “I didn’t say I was gonna do it. I just wanted you to understand how you are going to die.” Ha. Go, Jack go! “You think I trust you people?” he yells. Then Ben in his evil tone of voice just says “I am disappointed in your decision Jack.” To which Jack responds “Well, at least you won’t have to be disappointed for very long.” Oh Jack, you had me at “I just wanted you to understand how you are going to die.”
In the flashback Kate and policeman guy are basking in their post sex muskiness. During their pillow talk we find out that Kate and the officer in question are in love, getting married after a short courtship and that he really loved the way she did that thing with her pinky and his prostate. Also, Kate is going by the name “Monica” which is not the sign of a good marriage.
Back in the cell Pickett, the Other whose wife was killed and who beat Sawyer near to death, comes out to take them to work detail. He says that Sawyer “has the day off” but Kate refuses to work without him saying they are a team. Like Burns and Allen, only not funny. She is only doing this of course because Pickett is just waiting for his chance to kill Sawyer as revenge for his wifes death, even though he had nothing to do with it. That’s how Others operate. Pickett reluctantly agrees and Sawyer is spared another day.
On the main island Desmond, Locke and the random new guys are burying Eko, or at least the black crew member they hired to play Eko’s body for this episode (it’s all about residuals people). The new girl is wondering what killed him to which Locke just says an animal of some sort. When he says this he gets a suspicous glance from Sayid, although admittedly thats not something that is had to achieve. He looks suspiciously at sand. They decide to bury him there since they think the base camp has had one too many funerals lately. It might also be especailly hard on Bermnard, seeing as he is now the only surviving tailie left alive.
Locke tries to go off to the beach to get some shovels alone but Sayid insists on going with him. When he gets him alone Sayid asks Locke what really killed Eko. “Folks back on the beach call it the monster. I don’t really have a name for it” Sayid assumes correctly that Locke has seen the monster himself. Did it kill Eko for a reason? Locke thinks so, but he doesn’t know what that reason is. When Sayid asks him of they are really going ot the beach Locke says yes, but they are just going to take a little detour first.
Back in the Islands version of the Big Dig the relative calm of the backbreaking rock crushing work is broken when an alarm goes off saying there is a compound breach. Pickett gets on his walkie talkie and starts talking to someone on the other end “Well does he know? Well how the hell did she get all the way over here?” this is what’s called planting the seeds for the next part of the season. Before the conversation can continue there is an attack. It is the French woman’s daughter Alex. Her weapon of choice? A slingshot. She had to ramp it up a notch from her last failed attempt when all she did was kick people in their shins. If the slingshot plan doesn’t work next she’s planning on flinging poo. She screams at Pickett to tell him where “he” is. Pickett tells her she shouldn’t be here but acts more as if she is a nuisance than anything else. Then Alex is brought down from behind and dragged off. AS she is being led away she screams at Kate. “Whatever they tell you, don’t believe them! They’re going to kill your boyfriend, just like they killed mine!”
Later that day as Kate is hauling her rocks Juliet comes up to her and asks her to put a bag over her head. When Kate initially refuses, Juliet says that she can help save Sawyer if she just does a favor for them. When she hears that she reluctantly agrees.
Back in the flashback its Kate/Monica’s wedding day. She is standing in front of a mirror in her wedding gown when her mother in law to be enters. She wants to give her a necklace that her mother gave her on her wedding day. Kate/Monica accepts it with a guilty look. And not the “I’m not wearing something blue” guilty look, it’s the “I’m a wanted fugitive” look. A look I know well, but that’s a long story.
At the wedding the priest is giving his little speech talking about how with Monica “What you see is what you get”. Priests are so intuitive. He pronounces them man and wife and they all walk down the aisle smiling which cuts right to Kat with a bag over her head. No its not the wedding night, its just cutting back to real time on the Hydra isnald
Kate is brought into Jacks cell on the other side of the glass. They both smile and choke back tears. When Jack asks if they hurt her she doesn’t answer. Then Kate pleads with him to do what it is that they are asking him to do. When Jack hears this he gets angry. He looks up at the video camera on the wall and screams that “We’re done here”. Even after Kate says they will kill Sawyer if he doesn’t do it, Jack doesn’t budge. Cut to Ben watching in his video room wearing his evil Harry Potter glasses looking more and more angry and defeated.
In the flashback Kate/Monica is at the grocery store when she gets a call from her husband. They do their usual cutesy newlywed banter which includes Kate telling him that it’s “taco night” and she hangs up with an “I love you”. But all is not well in Kate/Monica’s world. When she gets outside she goes to a pay phone to make a call. Before she does this she pulls out an oven timer and sets it. When the person answers the phone we see why. It’s non other than Marshall Edward Mars, who we all remember from the first season as the Marshall who caught Kate and was on Oceanic Flight 815 when it went down. And oh yeah, Jack strangled him to death. She needs teh oven timer ebcause she wants to hang up before he can trace her call.
This is one of my biggest pet peeves about TV and movies. The “trace the call” clichÃ©. I mean it’s bad enough we have to sit through the”cat and mouse phone call” cliche with the FBI agent. The “trace the call” cliche is the one where the enemy is so smart that they know they have only a certain amount of time to talk before the FBI or whoever can trace the call. It’s used all the time as a plot device because it creates instant tension. But its total horseshit. If someone calls me from a payphone I know exactly where they are calling from before I even pick up. It’s called CALLER ID. Apparently my cell phone is more powerful than the entire FBI’s fugitive branch. Gimmie ten minutes and I can have the entire Fox River 8 behind bars. The most egregious example of this was in Mission Impossible when Tom cruise calls Jon Voight at Mission Impossible headquarters and when they have him on the phone for the two minutes it takes to trace the call, they realize that he’s calling from INSIDE the building. No one recognized that he was calling from the lobby pay phone. It took their giant supercomputers 2 minutes to figure it out. That still kills me every time I see it. Now the interesting thing about this tired clichÃ©d plot device is that it actually used to be accurate. Back in the 60′s and seventies before fiber optics and satellites, tracing phone calls was a laborious process of physically tracing the exact pathway the call was taking .So it was used in movies. And since it was such an effective clichÃ©, it still around, even if it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Sometimes you’ll see it done with the cheat of “He attached a cloaking tracker” type throwaway line, but on this weeks episode of Lost, they just got caught with some lazy ass writing. For instance, let’s just assume that in this Lost universe caller ID was never invented. Giant thinking fart clouds and giant electromagnetically powered islands yes, but that’s about it. How the hell does Kate/Monica know the exact time limit she supposedly needs to not get traced? She’s not an ex CIA or FBI officer, she knows nothing of police procedures. She killed her abusive step dad and went on the run. That’s it. Now she knows that the universal time limit for traced calls and can enter it into an oven timer? The amount of useless knowledge in my head is truly staggering. Anyways….
Kate/Monica pleads with him to stop chasing her. He can tell that she must have found a man and asks her “What’s his name? Does he know who you are?” Kate says that she really loves him. Then Mars makes her an offer. IF she can really settle down, he’ll stop chasing her, “But we both know that’s not gonna happen.”
Back on the Hydra island Juliet is bringing Kate back to her cell. Juliet tells Kate that she is “sorry you weren’t able to help us Kate”. But she’s obviously not sorry enough to keep Pickett from murdering Sawyer in cold blood as a few moments later Pickett brings Sawyer back to his cell, shoves him in and tells him that if he has anything to say to Kate, he better say it tonight. So when you think that Juliet is all sweetness and light and ust “misunderstood”, remember that. We must never fall under the Others spell! NEVER!
On the main island Locke is beginning the burial of Eko. We see where he was going during his “detour”, he was bringing Eko’s priest whacking stick back with him and using it as a grave marker. As he is saying a few words and palcing the stick into the ground he sees something. A message on the stick that says “Lift up your eyes and look north.” Sure it’s just a piece of scripture, but this is Locke. With him everythigns a sign and a message. So now he has a new quest. Thank god he didn’t see the other part of the stick where Eko put all his other bible quotes. Like Ezekiel 4:12-13 where it says to eat your own poop. Or maybe Exodus 21:20 where god gives rules on how to beat your slave.
Back in the cages Kate is telling Sawyer about how she saw Jack and how they want him to do surgery on Ben. Sawyer is glad that he won’t do it. This sets of Kate who then climbs out of her cell and walks over to his. She says that if she doesn’t want Jack to save his life then he can save his own. She bashes a rock on the lock and breaks it open. When Sawyer refuses to go he tells her the truth. They aren’t on their island. They are on a smaller prison island and there is no escape. This gets Kate even angrier. She wants to know why he didn’t tell her. Sawyer says he wanted her to think they still had a chance. Well, this was apparently the right thing to say because within about 30 seconds they are both naked and doing the horizontal hello in the middle of their ape cage. You can practically hear Ben furiously masturbating in his video room.
In the flashback Monica/Kate and her husband are enjoying breakfast. He tells her to look under her placement. She does and finds two tickets (on Oceanic Airlines, natch) to Costa Rica for their honeymoon. Monica/Kate starts to cry. When he asks her what’s wrong she just smiles and says “I just love you so much”.
Cut to the ape cage where Kate and Sawyer are basking in their post sex muskiness, only this one also has the scent of dried up monkey poo mixed in. Sawyer asks Kate if she really meant it when she said she loved him when Pickett was beating up on him. She doesn’t answer to which Sawyer says “I love you too.”
In Jacks cell her hears the supposedly broken intercom sputters to life. Instead of hearing his dads’ voice, or Sawyer screaming, he hears Alex telling her to try the door. Jack does and it opens. He walks down the hallway and stumbles onto the video room where he sees Kate giving Sawyer a Cincinnati bowtie. Or at least that’s what it looked like in the grainy image. They could’ve just been cuddling.
Then Ben walks in behind him “If it makes you feel any better I always thought it would be you”. Jack turns around and holds the gun to his head. En looks resigned to his fate but then jack says something surprising. “Tomorrow” he says. “tomorrow morning. First thing”. He will do the surgery, and he finishes it by emphasizing that he wants Ben’s word that he will get him off the island.
Back in the flashback Kate is taking a pregnancy test. When it shows up as negative she starts crying. Tears of sadness or joy we don’t know. Later she brings her husband some lemonade as he’s working. AS he sips, she starts talking to him. She tells him everything. She’s on the run for blowing up hr father, her name isn’t Monica and she doesn’t do “taco night”. I love you, but I can’t stay” she says as she gets up When Kevin gets up he looks weak. Kate says she had to drug him because she didn’t want him to lose his job. He then collapses on the ground and she weeps over him. When she’s done she then grabs one of his hands and makes it looks likes his picking his nose and puts his other hand down his pants and leaves.
On Hydra island, Jack is prepping for surgery with Juliet as an assist. Before Ben goes under he asks Juliet if “Alex asked about me”. Juliet says no. They brought her home last night. Did Ben raise Alex? She broke into the work camp and they just sent her home? Where is home? The other Island?
Once the surgery starts Pickett then makes his move. He grabs another Other and goes off to kill sawyer. When one of them tells them that Ben is already in surgery Pickett just says “Ben just but his life in the hands of one of them. Shepard wasn’t even on one of Jacobs list’s.” Ahh yes, the lists. That the tailies found on the dead Others bodies in season 2. But who is Jacob? And what are the lists supposed to mean? We all know that they select people they think are “worthy” but how do they do that? And why did they give Michael another list to bring Jack, Kate and Sawyer?
Outside Pickett interrupts the lovers embrace by dragging Sawyer out of his cage while Kate criers and pleads with him.
Cut to the O.R. where Jack is operating. The tension is building. Juliet keeps eyeing him waiting to see if he will do what she asked him and let Ben die. When he reaches for a scalpel he pauses and then does something. The beeping heart thingy starts beeping faster so the beardless Other starts to look concerned. Jack says that he just put a small tear in his Kidney sack and unless he repairs it, Ben will die within the hour. “Now get in here and bring the walkie talkie.”
Outside Sawyer is being forced to his knees. He tries to struggle at first but Pickett says if he does he’ll kill Kate too. When Sawyer hears that he gives up and gets ready for the inevitable. Right before Pickett pulls the trigger he looks at Kate and says “This is for Colleen you son of a bitch”. Man, I am so glad Sun killed his wife. I hate the Others. Right as he is about to kill him he hears his walkie talkie. Its the beardless Other telling him to give the walkie talkie to Kate or Ben dies. When Kate gets the walkie talkie, jack tells her that she has only a few hours to get away. When she gets safe he wants her to call him and tell him the story he told her when they first met. She screams that she can’t leave with out him, meaning Sawyer probably but Jack thinks she means him and says “Yes. You can.” When she protests one more time Jack screams “Kate, dammit, run!” and we cut to dark.
That’s it That the end of the episode. While I was hoping for more of a wow like reveal that would have everyone buzzing until February I guess this will do. Will they get away? What will the Others do to Jack after the surgery? What will Locke find as he goes North? We’ll find out in 84 days.
And now that Lost is “Lost” for another 13 weeks I have a brief announcement of my own. After much consideration I have decided to move on from TVgasm. It’s been a lot of fun and a great run.
I would like to thank Joe and Ben for giving me the opportunity to make so many glorious cooter jokes. They were the crusty Charles S. Dutton janitor to my “five foot nothin’, a hundred and nothin’” Rudy Ruettiger. But most of all I would like to thank the readers. From the die hards who post in the comments and in the forums (people like Lizardqueen, BJHicks, OD-TV, Tink, etc. ), or the thousands who just anonymously read them for the chuckles (Dick Clarke, Bishop Desmond Tutu, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, Jesus). You guys have been payment enough. While I didn’t always say it, I appreciated every compliment you ever gave me. And cursed the day you were born every time you corrected one of my spelling and grammar mistakes (Your, you’re, who really gives a shit?!).
I’d also like to thank The Academy. My agent Morty, everyone at Paramount, Our wonderful Producers Joel and Ethan Coen. My beautiful Co-star. Uma, you’re dazzling! But most of all I would like to thank L. Ron Hubbard, who gave me the courage to follow my dreams!
Hmm, wait, that last part is from my Oscar Speech. Anyways, Thanks for everything. It’s been fun. Auf wiedersehen!
Oh yeah, I almost forgot:
Cooter! Cooter! Cooter!