This week on Lost, Desmond goes searching for Mama Faraday, Richard and Locke have a meet-and-greet, Daniel does some sciencing, and Juliet practices her Latin.
Previously on Lost….
“Help us Desmond-Wan! You’re our only hope!”
So we see Desmond and he’s running around going “BUMBLEBEE TUNA!? BUMBLEBEE TUNA?!” or some such thing, but really he’s going, “IS THERE AH DOCTAH IN THA HOUSE!?”
Because as it turns out, PENNEH’S HAVIN’ A BABEH!!! a’;lsdkf;’ladsk
And after the shortest/loudest labor ever, she had a wee little boy!! And luckily he wasn’t wearing a red shirt!!!
And I’ll be honest, I got a little farklempt! I’m sorry, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry!
Tawk amongst yourselves! Here, I’ll give you a topic: The Smoke Monster is neither smoke nor a monster. Discuss.
Okay, I’m better now.
So then a few years fly by and Desmond’s explaining to his son about a ~*magical*~ island full of hot people with sexy accents and mythical monsters! But as it turns out he’s not talking about The Island, he’s talking about Great Britain lol. The hot people with sexy accents were Jude Law and Keira Knightley and the mythical monster was NESSIE, BROTHAH!
Back in the jungle, Charlotte’s not feeling too hot and Miles is bitching his brains out about the whole situation.
Daniel: Hey Debbie Downer, try not to be such a Negative Nancy!
Miles: Stop calling me girl names, you’re the girl, fart eater!!!
And then out of nowhere this LAND MINE GOES OFF and everyone is like BLOWING UP and FLYING THROUGH THE AIR and we’re like WTFFFF IS THIS LOST OR A MICHAEL BAY FLICK!?
RIP, all those red shirts that we never knew and/or loved!
And all these dudes with bows and arrows surround them, and this blond chick comes out and is all, “What business does an elf, man, and a dwarf have in the Ridder-Mark? Speak quickly!”
“I’d better be the MAN in this scenario or else I’m going to make a scene.”
“Pay no mind to the dwarf! I am obviously the man because I’m the only one with enough balls to be the leader of our little outfit.”
And so the blond girl with the questionable accent ties everyone up to bring to her peeps and we’re like ANOTHER BITCHY FEMALE WITH AN ACCENT: MUST BE WEDNESDAY!!
We’re back to the few-chah now, and luckily for us all Desmond has managed to find a blue shirt! But despite the shirt, he and Penny seem to be having some marital troubles.
Desmond was like, “I know it sounds crazy, but I haff tah
get mah honah boch find Daniel’s mothah!”
But Penny wasn’t happy about this and she in so many words called Desmond CRAZY. I guess she forgot about all that I’ll call you in 2004 even though it’s only 1996 right now stuff…?
Meanwhile, Locke, Sawyer, Juliet, and 2 snotty British soldiers had gotten themselves into a bit of a predicament!
And Sawyer’s like, “WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE ORCS SET FROGURT ON FIRE!?”
And Locke is all, “Getting shot AGAIN, DUHHHH!”
Snotty Soldier #1: Veni vidi vici!
Snotty Soldier #2: Non sequitur!
Juliet: Ipso facto!
“How in the hell do you know what they’re sayin’?”
“We were in the same Latin 101 class at Otherville State. Go Fightin’ Polar Bears!”
So the soldiers bring Daniel, Miles, and Charlotte back to their camp to meet with Richard. Why?
“Because I’m worth it. Oh hello fellows, have you come to pick up your bomb?”
“Suuuure…let’s say that’s why…we’re…here?”
Desmond goes to find Daniel’s mothah at Oxford. Since he’s trying to go ~*incognito*~ to avoid being seen by Widmore and his cronies, he figures he’ll go in a “Jetsetting Italian Gigolo” disguise!
Cockney Chimney Sweep from Mary Poppins: ‘ello Guvnah, ah you a professor or sumfin?
Desmond: Yes, I taught both Buttons courses here at Oxford, Hitting Buttons 101 and Unbuttoning Shirts 304.
After talking to the chimney sweep and finding a conveniently-placed photograph of Faraday (which proved Daniel doesn’t age or change his clothes, he just changes the length of his mullet) with his test subject Theresa, he knows what he has to do:
a) Find some more accessories and b) Find Theresa.
In keeping with the whole “It’s not Lost unless someone is hogtied” thing, we find our Island heroes held captive by Guyliner and his lackies. Luckily according to Daniel they just have to hold out until the next flash happens!
“Well when the hell with that be!?”
“Well, according to my calculations…divide by pi…carry the 3…um…I have no effing clue. Hunker down, darling! It may be a long haul!”
So Richard is like, “How do I know that you won’t drop that bomb on me…baby…drop that bomb on me?”
“Because I LOOOOVE CHARLOTTE STAPLES CENTER AND I DON’T CARE WHO FRAKKING KNOOOOWS!”
“…What, is she funny or something?”
But even Charlotte could tell that was the lamest excuse ever. Luckily thanks to the magic of Hollywood Richard bought it and told Daniel he could go check out the bomb!
After their little Latin chat, one of the snotty soldiers SNAPS THE OTHER SOLDIER’S NECK and flees, yelling, “UNRAY WAYAAAAA!”
And Sawyer’s like “I’m picking up what you’re puttin’ down, that there was Pig Latin!!! LOCKE, SHOOT HIM BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!!!”
But Locke’s all “I’M A HUNTER NOT A FARMER…BUT THAT’S ONE OF MY PEOPLE NOW, DAMMIT!”
And us/Sawyer is just like O_O “TUNA, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?”
By this point Desmond has now changed his disguise to be a “Baseball-Playing Jetsetting Italian Gigolo” (although he’s wandering into “Porn Director” territory) and he pays a visit to this Theresa chick the chimney sweep told him about.
But as it turns out, she’s only slightly better off than Daniel’s rat Eloise! Not to mention she looks not unlike a corpse!!!
And her sassy blue collar sister is like, “Daniel is a right bastard, good thing Mr. Widmore, who also funded all of Daniel’s research, also pays for Theresa’s care! ASSPHINCTER SAYS WHAT?”
So now Richard is letting Daniel go check out da bomb, and he’s like, “Try anything stupid and we’ll shoot your brains out like that whole group of Americans we killed last month!”
“Alrighty then, friend! Good luck! We’re all counting on you!”
But then the snotty soldier runs up and he’s like “HAH I ESCAPED THEIR EVIL CLUTCHES! AND TOTALLY DIDN’T KILL THAT OTHER DUDE I WAS WITH, SO DON’T BOTHER LOOKING INTO IT!”
And Richard’s like, “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU CAN’T JUST RUN BACK TO US, THEY COULD TRACK YOU!” And the guy is like, “LOL YOU REALLY THINK SOMEONE KNOWS THIS ISLAND BETTER THAN ME??? Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”
But Locke was like “PWNED. ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.”
So Locke and Juliet are like, “I’m an Other, you’re an Other, wouldn’t you like to be an Other toooo!?”
But Sawyer respectfully declined and suggested they shove off to Crazytown.
So Ellie and Daniel were off to see the bomb…
Daniel: You look so much like someone I know…
Ellie: YO’ MOMMA!
Daniel checks out Jughead and he sees it’s got a crack in the casing! Which could be potentially problematic in the grandest sense of the word.
“Look lady, I’M A SCIENTIST. What you gotta do is bury this thing in concrete, build a hatch around it. Then stick a hot Scottish guy down there, give him some Apollo Bars and a button to push, and the rest will take care of itself.”
“Don’t forget about the Mama Cass records.”
“Oh yeah, obviously.”
So by now Desmond is PISSED and he storms into Widmore’s office sans baseball hat and sunglasses (after thinking about it he thought he kind of dug the scarf) and he’s like “EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ME RIGHT NOW OR I WILL SMASH YOUR FACE INTO A JELLY!!!!!”
And Widmore was like “I’ll only tell you where Faraday’s mother is…if you promise to keep my daughter Benry-Free and therefore 100% not dead.”
“I think I can manage that…”
“Alright, then. Daniel’s mother is in Los Angeles. She’s easy to spot, she’s the only one besides the Xena LARPers wearing a cloak. Now just mind ya bidness, aight?”
And then Locke power walks into Riccardo Alpert’s camp and he’s like “PEOPLE OF OTHERVILLE, LEND ME YOUR EARS!! I AM YOUR NEW LEADER!!”
Of course no one believed him until he was like, “I hate to name drop, but Jacob says WHAT UP!” and Richard was like ORLY? and Locke was like YA RLY.
And that’s when we found out that the soldier was actually CHARLES WIDMORE and we were like:
Or really more like:
Locke was just happy to see Widmore never really mellowed with time or anything. He was a dick at any age!
And then we were all forced to love Desmond and Penny even MORE when we found out that they named their son CHARLIE and all of our hearts exploded!!!
Penny: Why are you lying to me!?!?!?!
Desmond: Uh, because it’s LOST?
Penny: Never go back to the island!
Desmond: Did you hear what I just said about this being LOST!?
Penny: FINE. We’re going with you, then!
So Locke gives Richard the compass Richard told Locke to give to Richard (oh Lost, how you hurt my brains) and he’s v. impressed, albeit confused.
“So I gave you this to give to me? No shit!”
Locke: I know, right!? So okay, just tell me how to get off the island now.
Richard: I can only give that information to our leader.
Locke: But I’m your leader.
Richard: But we pick our leaders from an early age, I would have come to visit you as a child.
Locke: But you WILL! In 2 years!! NOW TELL ME HOW TO GET OFF THIS ISLAND!
Richard: BUT I CAN ONLY TELL THAT TO OUR LEADER!!!
Locke; WHO’S ON FIRST…!? *blips away in a flash*
Richard: “I am rather confused!”
Us/Stains the Dog:
And then Charlotte pulled a Minkowski and her nose started bleeding and she totally passed out! Which wouldn’t really be so bad…
If only poor Daniel didn’t get so upset about it ;_;
SRY CHAH-LOTT, YA GONNA DAH-YEEEE!!!