Lost: Locke and Roll

This week on Lost, Richard freaks out, Smokey and Sawyer go spelunking, Locke gets a new lease on life, and we forgive Darlton for last week’s episode.

Previously on Lost…

Locke’s life sucked pretty much every single day of his pathetic little life. ;_;

***

So we start out in the Sideways World, where Gravity has just told John “Pop-A-Wheelie” Locke what he can’t do.

And he’s laying there in the grass, and the sprinkler goes off!!!

Locke: FML.
Audience: Oh great he’s gonna get SO PISSED, we all know that INSULT + INJURY = SOUR GRAPES LOCKE!!

And we’re all waiting for his big line (YOU KNOW THE ONE), but the guy actually LAUGHS!!! And then we remember we’re in a Sideways Universe where up is down and black is white and JUST MAYBE things aren’t so crappy in his life!

Then in an unfortunately graphic perfectly nice bathtub scene, Helen and Locke discuss their wedding plans! Because apparently that is still on! And not only that, Locke’s dad is invited! And somehow I don’t think he’ll be giving the new couple a kidney for a wedding gift!

“Who is Dr. Jack Shephard? Why would a paraplegic man have the card of a spinal surgeon in his pocket, that is just CRAZY TALK!”

“I met him at the airport, he said he’d give me a free consult after I wowed him with my mad metaphysical prowess. But I don’t think I’m going to call him, I’m Sideways Locke and therefore don’t see hidden meanings in every little goddamn thing that happens to me. Now if you would let me be for a minute, I have to wash my hair.”

And Helen’s like, “You should totally call him, it could be your ~*DESTINY*~!!!! But don’t kid yourself, Mr. Clean. You’re not washing anything but your head.”

“Don’t tell me what I can’t shampoo.”

***

And then we fly through the jungle with the greatest of ease, the cloud of black smoke that lives in the trees!

IT’S THE SMOKEY COASTER!!! YOU MUST BE THIS TALL TO RIDE!!!

And there is this house it stops and looks at for a second, and “Search and Destroy” is blasting from inside it, which is great because:
a) that song is awesome
b) LOL SYMBOLISM.

MOCKE IS THE WORLD’S FORGOTTEN BOY
THE ONE WHO’S SEARCHIN’ TO DESTROY

And Richard’s like, “AH OOOOOH OOOOH OOOOOOOOH OOOOOOOOH!!!!!”

Mocke tied Richard up and hung him from a tree so the fangirls bears couldn’t get him!

***

Then we find out three things:

1. Randy is still the Archduke of Douchington
2. A box company is as depressingly bleak as it sounds
3. Sideways Locke, despite having a sunnier attitude on life, still had the balls to try and go on a Walkabout on his company’s dime, which is both hilarious and badass!

“You mean you went all the way to Australia and you didn’t learn ANYTHING!?”

Locke: Why would you send a Regional Collections Supervisor of the box company all the way to Australia anyway? Am I really that important?? I’ll tell you what I learned over there – the toilets don’t actually flush backwards, and it’s apparently a huge faux pas to call every guy you meet “Dundee.”
Randy: Well…you’re fired.
Locke: Saw that coming.
Randy: Don’t bother trying to find a job in the illustrious box field, either. I’ll make sure you never work in this industry again!
Locke: Don’t tell me what I can’t pursue.

***

So back in the jungle Mocke is like, “I’m sorry I hit you in the throat and carried you into the jungle put a wig on you and spooned you, but I had to do something about the situation.”

“…”

“Look, I know you don’t trust me right now, but I’ve wanted you for Team Smokey since you were in short pants. Join me and I’ll give you everything your heart desires! Answers about what Jacob was doing! Makeup tips! Champagne wishes and caviar dreams!”

“I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee.”

But before Mocke could come back with “That can be arranged,” this weirdo blond kid shows up out of nowhere, all covered in blood and standing there in a creepy Walt-Talking-Backwards way! Who was it? Jacob?? Aaron?? An extra from Hook? WHO?!

And the craziest thing is that Richard couldn’t see him!!!! I mean – usually when some crazy ass hallucination pops up in the jungle we’re like “No worries it’s just the Smoke Monster playing tricks” but WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN THE FREAKING SMOKE MONSTER IS SEEING SHIT???

I mean…this is just nutso. Not to mention the fact that apparently Richard never had any idea what Jacob was up to, and now Mocke is claiming he’ll give full disclosure!

This is just like when Jack was in charge and would never tell anyone what he was doing, and then Locke took over, promising to work towards a better tomorrow.

Only problem is that didn’t really work out so well…

***

Meanwhile back at the foot, Ilana’s sitting there crying about all her Smoke-ified comrades when Ben pops in…

Ilana: What happened to them all?
Ben: If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.
Ilana: Did a big cloud of black smoke Hulk out on them and body slam them into the walls while screaming “I SAID good DAY!?”
Ben: …color me impressed.

Since she’s apparently in the know, Ben also tells Ilana that Smokey killed Jacob (he conveniently left out the whole Psycho stabby stabby thing he’d done to him) and then used his body for firewood. Ilana is not even a little surprised by this, and she scoops up some of Jacob’s ashes and sticks them in a pouch for safe keeping.

Ilana: In the midst of life we are in death. Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Ben: My, how beautiful. What are you saving those for?
Ilana: I sprinkle it on my mashed potatoes.

***

So Mocke goes back to the Punk House, which a certain angsty fellow has trashed like a rock star, and a pantless Sawyer’s there doing a Desmond impression!

Sawyer: I thought you were dead.
Mocke: I thought you and Juliet didn’t really work as a couple.
Sawyer: Ouch.

Thanks to the booze and general lack of any sort of interest in continuing to live, Sawyer accepts the fact that Mocke is only a Locke-a-Like.

Sawyer: Who the hell are you, then?
Mocke: I’m the person who can answer the most important question in the world.
Sawyer: So, how do muggle airplanes stay up?

Mocke: No, the question is why you are here! I can tell you!
Sawyer: I know that already. At first it was Kate’s boobies, and then it was Juliet’s boobies.
Mocke: That’s only why you stayed, I can tell you how you got here in the first place! Just follow me!
Sawyer: Well…I guess I’d better put some pants on.
Female Audience Members: PANTS ARE NOT NECESSARY AT THIS JUNCTURE.

***

In the Sideways World, Locke just got done doing his “All I wanna know is who’s coming with me” speech after being fired, when some ASSHOLE parks right next to his VAN and he can’t open the LIFT and so he’s really MAD!

(Sidenote: Notice that the photo in that box is totally the one of him and his dad hunting together! BOO-YA!)

But it turns out that asshole is just Hurley, who is still like, the nicest guy ever, no matter what dimension he’s in!

Locke: My douche of a boss just fired me.
Hurley: Douche? Boss? Must be Randy up to his old shenanigans again. Let me guess, he caught you stealing a pen or something?
Locke: Actually, I had the company send me on an all-expenses paid vacation to Australia and said I was going to a conference, but I totally ditched and he figured it out.
Hurley: That’s weird, I just got back from Australia myself…

Locke: Who are you by the way?
Hurley: Oh, I own the company. So I’m the one who paid for your trip. Awesome.
Locke: How incredibly awkward for me.

But since Hurley’s such a teddy bear, he tells Locke that he also owns a temp agency which is also full of side characters from old episodes, and all he’s got to do is make an appointment and he’ll hook him up with a job!

“And dude, don’t beat yourself up about getting canned from this place. In the long run it doesn’t mean much.”

“Don’t tell me what I can’t rue.”

***

And then Ilana told Sun “Um btw I know where your husband is” and instead of running into the jungle towards the temple Muppet-style with her arms flailing over her head, she suggested that perhaps they bury Locke’s body. Good form, Sun. Good form.

***

So now Sawyer’s found a v. nice blue shirt (the Desmond is still strong with this one) and he’s walking through the jungle with Mocke when all of the sudden that weirdo blond kid (Anakin? Jonathan Taylor Thomas? WHO ARE YOU!?) shows up again, but this time he’s shiny and clean despite his Lost Boy get-up.

The weirdest part? Just like Kate’s big ass horse in the middle of the jungle, Sawyer sees him too!!! And this time Mocke chases after him, which is cool with us because Walt’s all growns up now and we all kind of miss seeing Locke hanging out with tween boys, amiright?

Blond kid: You know the rules. You can’t kill him.
Audience: WHAT RULES? WHO IS HIM? DON’T YOU RUN AWA…
Blond kid: *runs away*
Audience: D’oh!

Audience: OKAY MOCKE, TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE!
Mocke: DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN’T DOOOO!!!!!
Audience: ;lasdkf’;lakdsf’l;kadsl;’fs

Back where Sawyer is, another super hot guy in a blue shirt comes careening out of the jungle, and he is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.

“I MAY BE OLD AS SHIT AND I KNOW PEOPLE HAVE THEIR DOUBTS, BUT I AM CERTAINLY CAPABLE OF EMOTING. I AM DIRTY AND COVERED IN BLOOD AND THAT THING INSIDE LOCKE IS SO SCARY!!!!!!!!!”

*screams like a girl* “OMFG JUST COME WITH ME TO THE TEMPLE!1!!!!1!!!ONE”

Sawyer: Whoa whoa calm down there, Manbelline! I know this isn’t Locke, but he seems like an alright kind of guy…er…entity.
Richard: You haven’t seen him when he’s angry. YOU WOULDN’T LIKE HIM WHEN HE’S ANGRY. *twitches*
Sawyer: Have you gone completely mental?

But by now Richard has lost it, and is pulling a Jessi Spano and he’s all, “I’M SOO EXCITED! I’M SOO EXCITED! I’M SOOO…SCARED!” and he scurries back into the jungle, screaming “RUUUUUN AWAAAAAAY” at the top of his lungs!!

Mocke: Who were you talking to you?
Sawyer: Um…no one. Who were you talking to?

Locke: Uh…no one either. Two can play at that game, you rogue.
Saywer: Indeed.

***

Back in in the Alterna-Universe, Locke’s being interviewed for his new temp job, only the chick asking the questions is kind of…strange.

Interviewer: If you were an animal, what would you be?
Locke: Excuse me?
Interviewer: Polar bear? Wild boar? Dharma shark?
Locke: I don’t see how this…
Interviewer: Are you a hunter or a farmer, Mr. Locke?

Locke: This is ridiculous, I’d like to talk to your resident sassy black woman. But before you go…weren’t you that psychic that Hurley went to with his dad?
Interviewer: I have no idea what you’re talking about. *WINK*

So then Rose comes out, and she’s the supervisor (i.e. HBIC)! And she’s awesome! And she looks through his application and she’s like, “So you’d like to take a position as a construction worker, a mail man, a figure skater, a dog walker, or a…professional leg model? Are you serious?”

Locke: What’s so strange about that?
Rose: Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, sir.

And she tells Sideways Locke that sometimes it’s okay to accept that we’re not all capable of doing everything, and that she lives her life to the fullest because she’s got terminal cancer (emo tear), and she’s got to make the best of the time she has left.

“I’ll give you a job that I think will be fulfilling and that you’ll really enjoy. I’ll give you some paperwork to look through, but that’s just a formality, no need to really read it.”

“Don’t tell me what I can’t review.”

***

Sawyer: You ever read “Of Mice and Men?”
Audience: Didn’t we already see this scene like 3 years ago?
Mocke: Steinbeck? No, that’s a little after my time.

So Sawyer spoils the end of “Of Mice and Men” for everyone who has never read it, and then pulls a gun on Mocke and threatens to shoot him! He wants to see what the hell happens to a puff of smoke when you shoot it!!

Judging from the “I ain’t bovvered” expression on Mocke’s face, he does know what happens if someone shoots him (remember what happened in the foot with the flattened bullet Bram found?), and it’s totally not a dealbreaker.

And Smokey explains that he was a man once, a free man with hopes and fears and people he loved, and a bitchin’ Camaro that he worked on during the weekends. But then all of that changed, and we get the feeling Jacob was involved. He’s trying to appeal to Sawyer’s ex-prisoner side, the guy who’s just as stuck on this damn island as he is.

He’s all like, “I’M IN UR CHEST CAVITY, TINKERIN’ WITH UR HEARTSTRINGS.”

But Sawyer doesn’t quite buy it, and we’re not sure we do either. Just trying to work out in our brains how an actual human being can be turned into the Smokey Coaster is enough to warp our fragile little minds.

***

Ben: So how come you dragged this body halfway across the island?
Ilana: I wanted to show everyone what they’re up against.
Ben: And what if Smokey just morphs into someone else? Then we’ll have no idea what to look for.
Ilana: That won’t happen, his human form is stuck as Locke now.
Ben: Seriously?
Ilana: Seriously. Manboobs and all.

And then Ben of all people gave Locke’s eulogy, which may have just been the Best Eulogy Ever.

He said that Locke was a man of faith, that he was a better man than he’d ever be, and that he was sorry he murdered him. Then he pulled out a bottle of airplane liquor, poured half of it out onto Locke’s grave, and walked away dejectedly, humming “Gangsta’s Paradise” softly to himself.

And Frank was like, “This is the weirdest damn funeral I’ve ever been to,” and we’re all like, “You and me both, buddy!” and then they FINALLY buried Locke next to all the other dearly departed. It seems like he’s been a corpse for like a million years, although on the show it’s only been like…a week, which is kind of crazy, right?

***

Back in the Sideways World, Locke is awoken by the sunlight streaming into his bedroom, and also the freaking hatch button noise, and we all immediately wanted to know where we could buy that alarm.

And Locke makes like he’s going to call Jack’s office for an appointment, but he chickens out and hangs up. And then he remembers that woops – he never told Helen that he had gotten fired! So she’s all WTF-ing about that, when the doorbell rings, and WOOPS! It’s Locke’s giant box of knives from that trip that he conveniently also forgot to mention to Helen!

And it’s starting to turn into the Perfect Storm of Shit That Would Put Old Locke Over the Edge!!

So Helen sees these knives, and instead of immediately jumping to the conclusion that Locke is actually a serial killer (probably not a stretch) she calmly asks him to explain! And he does! People being rational? People not overreacting!? This has GOT to be a parallel universe because “real” Lost would never hear of such a thing!

Apparently since Rose is so awesome/sassy/omniscient, what she said to Locke the day before really stuck with him! He decides that he wants to make the best of what he has and not spend all his time trying to deny that there are some things he really CAN’T do!!

OMFG! It’s like the biggest revelation ever! Normally I’d start to worry that an epiphany of this magnitude meant certain death for whatever character was having it, but since Locke has already died like 12 times I think he’s safe!

Locke: Now come on, let’s put on a movie or something. What are you in the mood for?
Helen: Anything you want, just no more Survivorman, okay?
Locke: Don’t tell me what I can’t view.

***

Back on the island, Mocke leads Sawyer to this giant crazy ass ladder that’s stuck haphazardly to the side of this giant cliff! And him and Sawyer climb down Jacob’s Ladder (score one for the Lost writers) and they end up at the mouth of this big cave! I wonder if One-Eyed Willie is in there!

And inside the cave there are these two rocks on a scale, and Mocke picks up the white one and tosses it into the ocean, saying something about how it was an inside joke with Jacob.

Super Crazy Lost Fans: OMG THE SCREEN IS SPLIT DOWN THE CENTER AND SAWYER IS ON THE DARK SIDE AND SMOKEY IS ON THE LIGHT SIDE, THIS OBVIOUSLY HAS SO MUCH MEANING , AND I WILL SPEND ALL OF WEDNESDAY DECODING ITS SECRETS. LET US ALSO NOT FORGET THAT HE WHO CASTS THE FIRST STONE IS WITHOUT SIN, SO…YEAH. BIBLEY.
Your Everyday Lost Fans: Oh wow, black and white! That is a theme on this show!
The n00b Lost fans: I totally bet this is purgatory, you guys.

But Sawyer’s isn’t impressed – he didn’t just climb down the Cliffside Ladder of Doom just to see some rocks on a scale! But don’t worry, Mocke has one more trick up his ginormous smokey sleeve: Jacob’s CliffsNotes!!!

***

And then we found out where Rose sent Locke after all – he’s a Substitute! And we’re all like “LOL episode title!” and then we thought about the Locke-ness Monster for a second and we were like “Oooooh double entendre episode title! Bravo!”

Anyway, it definitely works because Locke is totally that slightly grumpy, slightly bemused mid-life crisis guy that loves explaining how shit works to the youngsters. It’s like he was made for this job.

So Locke wanders into the teacher’s lounge, and lo and behold it’s your favorite psychopath and mine, Benjamin Linus! And OF COURSE he’s that asshole in the office that is bitching about coffee filters! I bet he leaves passive aggressive notes for his colleagues in their classrooms, that say things like, “To the individual who stole my delicious baked ham: That ham did not belong to you! By consuming said baked ham, you have committed a theft! This shall not be tolerated!!”

He introduces himself to Locke, and he’s like, “Hi, I’m Benjamin. I teach European History, and I’m the head of the Tactical Baton Club, and the Latin club. Oh, and the Scrapbooking Club because I lost a bet. This is the teacher’s break area. You are welcome here so long as you throw away your used coffee filters, you do not steal my baked ham, and you do not let your Hot Pockets explode in the microwave. For every Hot Pocket I find exploded in that microwave, I shall kill you.”

And Locke’s just like, “Benjamin, this looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship!”

***

Back in the cave, Mocke shows Sawyer *dramatic music* WHY HE’S ON THE ISLAND!!!!!! And omg, it’s a doozy! There are all these names written on the walls in the cave, and each name has a number assigned to it! And most of the names are crossed out! But some of them aren’t! And the Losties’ names are assigned to THE NUMBERS!!!!!!!!! ‘;ldg;’lsdfgks;ldfkgl

He explains that this dude named Jacob went and found each of the Losties at some point in their lives when they were feeling vulnerable, which somehow led each of them to the island!! HE WAS THE MASTER OF PUPPETS! THE FABLED FIEND OF FATE!! THE DIABOLICAL DIRECTOR OF DESTINY!!! None of them ever had free will because this guy controlled their lives from his cozy island bungalow!!!

Apparently they were all candidates! Candidates for what, you ask? To become the protectors of the island, the way Jacob was the protector!!! AGHHHHH!!!!!! But there are a million names! And they’re all crossed out! And Kate’s name isn’t there despite the fact that Jacob visited her when she was a wee little thing!

So Jacob was looking for his replacement!!! Did he know he was going to DIAF??? Who was he protecting the island from!? Was he protecting the outside world from Smokey??

The only problem is that Mocke doesn’t seem to think the island needs to protecting at all! So he says they have three choices – run, hide, or die they could do nothing and see what happens, they could take over the job as protector, whatever the hell that means, or they can blow this pop stand! Mocke is obviously going for the last option! And he wants to know – is Sawyer ready to go home?

And Sawyer’s like, “HELL YES!” and we’re like “NO SAWYER DON’T DO IT, JUST TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AND RUN AWAY.”

Super Crazy Lost Fans: *BRAINS MELTING* FORGET IT, I AM JUST CALLING OUT OF WORK TOMORROW.
Your Everyday Lost Fans: Wow! This is rather a lot of information, but I am pleased!
The n00b Lost fans: I totally bet this is purgatory, you guys.

***

Does Sawyer really trust Smokey?
Is Mocke even telling the truth?
Will Locke be giving Ben swirlies in the teacher’s bathroom?

FIND OUT! ON NEXT WEEK’S LOST!