Lost: Locke E. Coyote

On this week’s Lost, Locke tries to convince the Oceanic 6 to come back to The Island, Widmore shows some Tunisian hospitality, and Ben decides he should never take a job working at a suicide hotline.

Previously on Lost…

“John, YAH GONNA HAFTA DAH-EEE!”

***

So the Ajira plane has crashed and that dude from the airport is rifling through some stuff in a Dharma office. He doesn’t find much, only a flashlight and Daniel Faraday’s homework from like 2nd grade.

Not!Ana-Lucia comes in and she’s like, “There’s this dude in a suit…and a Snuggie…he thinks he’s Emperor Palpatine…he wasn’t on the plane…” so he goes out to the beach to see what’s up and some guy’s sitting there going, “It is unavoidable! It is your destiny!”

And we’re like, GUY IN A SUIT? TALKING ABOUT DESTINY?? That’s got to be our old resurrected pal JOHN LOCKE!!! ‘;lsdkf’a;lsk

***

The next morning AnNOT-Lucia is all “HI NAME/A/S/L? And uh, if you weren’t on the plane, where the hell did you come from?”

After having sexual relations with a mango, Locke was ready to talk to all the island n00bs.

“Oh, nothing to worry about with me. Nothing but a simple case of resurrection! And before you ask, no, I’m not the final Cylon. That would be Daniel.”

Ilana: Everyone is scared, we heard a noise in the jungle last ni…
Locke: Oh, that’s just Smokey.
Ilana: But what about the office we found, it looks like someone’s working on exper…
Locke: Just the Dharma Initiative. Scientists. etc etc
Ilana: And someone said they saw something big and white in the jung…
Locke: Polar bear.
Ilana: …so what about the guy in the jungle with the giant eyelashes?
Locke: *chuckles* Oh, that’s just Richard.

Ilana: Is there anything you don’t know, Mr. Fancypants?
Locke: Yeah…how did I get here, and why am I not dead??

***

So right after he turned the Wheel! Of! Fortune! Locke found himself in a desert with a bone-sticking-out-of-leg problem.

*pukes* “Ooooh. It’s so damn hot. Milk was a bad choice.”

And unfortunately like some other Frozen Donkey Wheel Turners, he did not come equipped with a ninja stick.

At first he panics, but then he sees a camera pointing right at him and he’s like, “OWWWWW OWWW OHHH HEYYYY! HA! Am I on Candid Camera?? Where’s Ashton?? Where’s Ashton!?”

Much to Locke’s chagrin, Ashton was nowhere to be found.

Apparently apart from sand and rocks and R2D2 and polar bear skeletons, Tunisia has trucks now too! And these guys come and throw Locke into the back of the truck!

The doctors are all like “OUR CIVIL WAR TECHNOLOGY, LET US SHOW YOU IT” and they throw him into a hospital bed, tell him to hunker down and give him something to bite on, and THEY SNAP HIS LEG BACK INTO PLACE :O

So Locke passes out THANK GOD but right before he sees Abaddon hanging out in the room and we’re all kind of like WAIT WHAAAAAAAT!???

***

Locke comes to when some dude with a British/Australian/something else I’m sure accent wakes him up. And it’s our good fiend friend Chuck Widmore!

Widmore: Come to the Dark Side! We have cookies!
Locke: Ben said to not trust you!
Widmore: BENJAMIN?? If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he’d be Pralines and Dick!
Locke: …
Widmore: Come onnnn, want to be my new BFF?
Locke: Why would I want that?

Widmore: I was the leader on the island for 30 years! I’m an Other from another mother!
Locke: Well okay, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I have to bring them all back.
Widmore: Yes! And you MUST succeed. You are the Chosen One. You MUST get back to the Island!
Locke: But why??

“Because there’s a war coming, John. And if you’re not back on The Island when it happens, the wrong side is going to win! Even now Benrymort is gathering his Death Eaters in order to strike when the time comes! Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy! Don’t you see, John?? Neither of you can live while the other survives!”

“..Merlin’s beard!”

***

So the next morning Widmore gives Locke his new passport.

Locke: Jeremy Bentham? What gives?
Widmore: He was a philosopher. We thought Socrates would be a dead giveaway that you weren’t Canadian.

“How do I know I can trust you?”

“Well…I haven’t tried to kill you. *cough*That you know of*cough*”

And for his ~*peace of mind*~ Widmore gave Locke a creepy ass bodyguard! The guy that told Locke to go on the Walkabout like eons ago! And Widmore was like “You can trust him, he’s bald like us!!”

So now Locke has his mission: he’s got to go to each of the Oceanic 6 and explain to them in no uncertain terms that THEY HAVE TO GO BAAAACK!

***

First up, Sayid! We’ve seen Soldier Sayid, James Bond/Assasin Sayid, even Chef Sayid, but now we’ve got…HABITAT FOR PWN-MANITY SAYID!?? LOL! So many Hit Men retire to go build schools in third world countries, right?

I don’t know which is funnier – watching a British actor doing an Iraqi accent speaking in Spanish – or the fact that he is obviously building The Jack Bauer Institute for Pwnage satellite party campus!!

Suffice it to say, Locke can’t convince Sayid to come back to the island. He’s done with Ben and all that nonsense.

“Sry2say the only things I feel like torcha-ing are two-by-fours and mas tequila.”

***

So then Locke is like, “Hey…remember that time you were on The Wire? That was awesome.”

“…by the way, can you find Helen for me? She lives in California, kind of looks like Peggy Bundy, kind of sounds like Leela from Futurama?”

Then Locke gets out of the car and is like “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!!!!!!!!!!”

And Walt’s like, “OH NO WAY IT’S MAAH BOYYYYY LOCKE!”

Walt says he’s been having crazy dreams about Locke on The Island, sitting on a beach, talking like Emperor Palpatine! And he wants to know how his dad is!

“Oh, you’re dad is doing just…dynamite. His career has just…blown up. His opportunities have really…exploded.”

“Well I’m glad to hear he’s all in one piece! Gotta go Mr. Locke!”

“Wait! Walt! Do you want to know a secret? Have – have you ever been in a Turkish prison?!?”

Locke doesn’t ask WAAAAAAAAAALT to come back because he’s been through enough already! Aw.

But someone was watching…someone who has DEFINITELY been in a Turkish prison…and definitely likes movies about Gladiators.

*shoots Dark Mark into the sky*

***

Going for a Rejection Three-peat, Locke goes and tries to convince Hurley to come back.

Only problem is, Hugo’s been hanging out with so many ghosts that he’s convinced Locke is dead!

“Sooo what’s it like being a zombie, dude?”

“I’m very much alive! I won’t be a zombie until later lol.”

“Dude…don’t look now…but you’re totally being watched by that creepy dude from Fringe…”

“Oh no he’s cool, he’s with me.”

But Hurley decided Locke hanging out with creepy Fringe guy was definitely NOT ON so he pitched a crazy guy fit and was escorted back inside.

So Abaddon lays it on the line – Locke had better step it up or else failure is imminient!!

Locke: I’m sorry, aren’t you my DRIVER!? What do you do for Widmore, anyway?
Abaddon: I help get people to where they need to go…

“So…you’re a…DRIVER???”

***

“So the thing about it is…we all have to go back to The Island.”

“You’ve never been in love.”

“Sure I have. I love Helen. I love Island. I love lamp. Anyway, I fail to see how this has anything to do with my request. And why hasn’t anyone asked me how the frak I got back to the real world? Psh.”

“See, I have been in love – with Sawyer – who’s on The Island – so…wait, actually I think you’re right. I should go back. But Jack hasn’t told me to do it, so I’m staying here.”

“Also, no one cares how you got off The Island.”

“You were angry and obsessed on The Island, and you’re angry and obsessed now. Take a page from my book – I was stuck in a love triangle and always lying and running away from my problems on The Island and now I’m totally ~*not*~ like that anymore.”

LOL

***

Sadly, Abaddon did find Helen – she had a brain aneurysm and died a year ago. (Or so Abaddon claims!)

Unfortunately before we can find out if this gravestone is another bit of Widmore trickery, ABADDON’S HEAD EXPLODES. VIA BULLET. NOT ANEURYSM.

So Locke jumps into front seat and drives away, leaving Abaddon in the dust!!

But Abaddon’s like, “I’m not dead! I’m getting better! I feel happy! I feel happy! Little help? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?”

And then because having your kidney stolen, being pushed out of a building, surviving a plane crash, being shot multiple times in various places, having your legs squished under a blast door, imploding with the Hatch, and breaking your leg clean in half by falling down a well wasn’t enough for one guy to handle, he got into a GIANT CAR CRASH.

Because it’s not Wednesday unless Locke is covered in blood!!!

***

Locke wakes up in the hospital, only to be greeted with that famous Shephard bedside manner!

*puts on World’s Biggest Douche hat*

“What…are…you…DOING HERE?”

“Jack! Oh my god! I have to talk to you about the Isl…wait, what the hell is all over your face, do you have a beard made of PUBES!? Your face looks like Robin Williams’ knuckles.”

“I’m letting it grow in, dammit! I’ve been busy becoming addicted to pain killers, I don’t have time to think about The Jeard!”

“Look, I don’t care about your beard, WE HAVE TO GO BACK, JACK! IT’S OUR FATE! IT’S OUR DESTINY! I’M SPECIAL! ”

“YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL! YOU ARE NOT A BEAUTIFUL OR UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE! YOU’RE THE SAME DECAYING ORGANIC MATTER AS MY BEARD EVERYTHING ELSE! GOING BACK WOULD BE A DISASTER!!!”

“But only after disaster can we be resurrected!! I CAN QUOTE FIGHT CLUB TOO, YOU KNOW! By the way, your dad says hi.”

“…my…my….my father…?”

“I AM JACK’S RAGING DADDY ISSUES!!!!!!!!” *CHILDHOOD TRAUMA JEARS*

*has obviously been practicing his technique at the prestigious “Smell the Fart” School of Acting*

“MY FATHER IS DEAD.”

“YOUR DAD IS ON THE ISLAND! COME BACK WITH ME!”

“HE DEAD! I SAY YOU, HE DEAD!!!!” *slams door and runs down the hall bawling, arms flailing*

***

Devastated by his inability to do anything right, Locke decides to take his own life. He writes the suicide note that {SPOILER ALERT} Jack will eventually read on the plane, and gets ready to hang himself from the ceiling of his hotel room.

And even though we knew he was going to die, we still feel kind of bad, right? AW POOR LOCKE. And so instead of using a gun or pills or something he makes a nice KNOT because he’s LOCKE and that’s what Lockes do. It’s the Webelo way.

But then who should bust down the door in the nick of time but BENRYMORT HIMSELF!!!!!!! And Locke threw his crutches because he didn’t have a Hot Pocket on hand!

And Ben’s all like, “Widmore is the bad guy, not me!! We’ve been through this, babeh!!”

“Now come down off that table right now and we’re going to fix everything, mmkay? Who’s a special boy? Hm? Who’saspecialboy?????”

“I’m the special boy.”

“Yes you are! Now I want you to tell Uncle Benji what Mean Mr. Widmore said to you, and we’re going to make it allll better.”

*sniffs* “He said that me and you couldn’t live while the other survived! And that he was the leader of the Others, and that he wanted to pr…pr…protect me!” *bawls*

“Is that all he said?”

“And he said I have to go find Eloise Hawking! Oh and by the way, Jin’s alive!”

“Thanks for all the info, friend! I KEEL YOU NOW!!!!!11!” ‘asd;lkf’a;lsdk

And of COURSE, because he’s Locke, he’s like, “I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.”

Just like any good serial killer, Ben strings Locke back up and makes it seem like the suicide John had been attempting had gone according to plan.

And Ben said goodbye…and that he’d miss Locke…

…which was kind of heartfelt…under the circumstances.

***

So back on The Island, John is trying to figure out how he got here.

“Is there anyone not accounted for??”

“Everyone is here…except the big guy with the curly hair…and the crying doctor…and the tank top guy, and the sunglasses chick, and the sad Korean lady. And the injured people, we don’t know their names yet.”

So Locke goes to see these injured people, and wouldn’t you know it, IT’S BENRY. COVERED IN BLOOD.

All is right in the world.

And Locke is like, “Oh yes, I know him. He’s the man that killed me. Now get me a bowl of warm water and grab his hand, it’s time for REVENGE.”