This week on Lost, Claire becomes an ax murderer, Hurley runs an errand for Jacob, Jack procreates and also smashes things, and we get another clue about WTF is going on with the numbers.
Previously on Lost…
Jack cries. A lot. Many times we are left wondering, “What is he crying about this time?”
And so to help you get through the recap, I’ve created this handy dandy guide to Jears (Jack’s Tears for the n00bs) to explain what the hell he’s so upset about. Use it wisely, young grasshoppers.
So the scene opens with a picture of the Shephard family that was apparently Photoshopped by Michael Scott!
And Jack’s checking in the mirror to see if it’s time to get his chest waxed again, when he notices his appendectomy scar and can’t seem to remember when and where he got it.
Jack: When did I have my appendix out, Mom?
Jack’s Mom: When you were seven or eight. Your dad wanted to do it, but he was too busy boning an Australian chick…
Jack: You mean I didn’t get it taken out by a hot blond on a magical island?
Jack’s Mom: …honey, what did I tell you about mixing opiates with alcohol before dinner time?
But Jack wasn’t abusing any substance! He was just kind of confused! He told his mom he’d stop by later to help her look for his dad’s will, and then he warmly hung up on her mid-sentence.
So he pulls up at some fancy school, and there’s this dejected looking kid with a Hufflepuff tie sitting on the front steps, and we’re like “OMG NO WAY” but yes! Sideways Jack has a kid! And from the looks of it he inherited his father’s surly emo gene!
Back at the temple,
Zoolander Jack is staring at his reflection in the water, and he’s like…
Jack: Who am I?
Disembodied Voice: You’re Jack Shephard, and you’re worth it!
“No jackass, it’s me, your crotchety Japanese friend Dogen! I’m glad to see you’re still here, but I’m guessing your 3 sexy friends aren’t coming back, right?”
And Jack tells him that no, unfortunately for them both, he was now the sexiest one in the hizzouse.
Hurley and Miles are playing a rousing game of Tic Tac Toe to pass the time, and Hurley’s like, “Dude, I know that Food Court thing you said a while ago was totally a joke, but…I’m thinking there’s got to be a Cinnabon around here somewhere…”
So he goes wandering through the temple, looking for a Sbarro’s or Saladworks or SOMETHING when he runs into Jacob, who’s hanging out poolside! And he tells Hurley that he has a secret mission for him – he needs to help guide someone to the island!
“Cool, cool. Just let me grab an Orange Julius and I’ll be good to go.”
In the Sideways World, Jack tells this kid David that he got a TV all set up for him so he can watch the Sox lose every Series, but David’s as interested in the Red Sox as we all were in Kate’s episode!
And even though it seems like Jack is being really nice to the kid, and he seems genuinely happy to see him, the kid is all, “MY DADDY ISSUES, LET ME SHOW U THEM.”
Jack: Hey buddy why don’t you cool it with the capricious youth thing for a while, I’m dealing with my own daddy issues right now.
David: I’M A MOODY TWEEN. I PLAY BY NOBODY’S RULES.
Jack: I’m going to your grandma’s house, when I get back we’ll have some pizza, mmkay?
Audience: SCREW PIZZA, WHO IS YOUR BABY MAMMA!?
So now every time Sayid goes near any of the Other Others they flinch and jump back a little, and I don’t think it’s merely the waves of Pure Pwn that are radiating from his body.
Sayid: Why is everyone staring at me? Do I have a boogie on my nose or something?
Jack: Well, they think you’re infected with something. And also the whole zombie thing. But no, no boogies.
Sayid: But I already stated publicly that I’m not a zombie.
Jack: But that’s exactly what a zombie would say. Hence the whole poison pill thing.
Sayid: Why would they think I’m all evil now, anyway?
Jack: Because they saw it happen to someone else. And if she is as messed up as her new hairdo, I think we are all in deep shit.
Meanwhile at the Crazy Corral, Claire finishes up murdering two Others and then helps Jin out of this terrible trap thingy he’s stuck in. He asks her how long she’s been out here, and she says since everyone else left, which means she’s been out there by herself (or not) for 3 years!!
“Your violent streak and the creepy, vacant look in your eyes lead me to believe you…but where’d you get your clothes, Dharmaville Sears? And what is going on with your hair? It looks like the rug after a frat party.”
“…although I guess if this show was a little more realistic, we’d all have looked like you a week after crashing…ha ha…”
*clears throat awkwardly*
So then Claire, who weighs about 80 pounds soaking wet, carries Jin to her jungle lair.
Dogen finds Hurley sniffing around around the secret entrance to the Food Court! When Dogen asks Hurley what he’s doing lurking around, Hurley (who is the most adorable liar ever) is all like, “Hey man I just want some TCBY!” and Dogen of course doesn’t buy it!
And just when he’s about to get booted, Jacob shows up again and he tells Hurley exactly what to say!
Dogen: Get out of here and go wait in the courtyard!
Hurley: Yo Dogen, I’m really happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but I just got to say that I’m a candidate, and I think you want to go home and rethink your life.
Dogen: You’re a candidate and I’m going to go home and rethink my life.
Jacob: The Force is strong with this one.
One slight problem with the plan – Jack’s supposed to go with him on this mission, and Hurley knows he’s never going to agree. But again Jacob knows exactly what to say to get Jack to change his mind! What a pro!
Hurley: Jack listen, you have to come with me. This guy said me and you have to go through a tunnel to the other side of the island to do him a favor.
Jack: Ummm, no.
Hurley: But he said…
Jack: I said no.
Hurley: Alright dude, I guess I have to break out the secret weapon.
So the New Kids on the Block are all like, “Hey Jack! You’ve got the Oh oh oooh oh oh oooh oh oh ooooh, RIGHT STUFF!”
And of course Jack flips out and starts tearing up because he’s Jack, and he’s full of ~*emotions*~ and he thought his love for NKOTB was still a secret! (And I suppose also because that was that thing his dad always used to tell him!)
He agrees to go, and he just prays to god that no one remembers that he totally used to have Jonathan Knight hair!
And now Jin’s back at Claire’s lovely Jungle Bungalow, and it looks like she hired the same interior decorator that Danielle had!
So remember in Castaway when Tom Hanks made that cute little friend Wilson out of a volleyball? Yeah…this is nothing like that.
Jin sees this cradle hanging out on the side of the hovel, and it’s got a blankie and everything, and even though NONE of us really want to know what’s under there, he looks anyway, and it’s this TOTALLY INSANE SKULL/TEDDY BEAR/MONKEY/PELT/I DON’T EVEN KNOW MONSTROSITY, and it’s like “I’M GONNA HAUNT YOUR DREAMS, BITCHES!!!”
So now we know for sure – CLAIRE IS CRAZIER THAN A SOUP SANDWICH!!!
I mean, she makes Rousseau look like a perfectly well-adjusted person! And she’s yelling at this Other Other about stealing her kid!
“You stole MAH BOYYY! RIGHT OUTTA MY HANDS!!!!”
And Michael’s like, “Hey isn’t that my line?”
And when Claire wanders off, muttering to herself about purple monkey dishwashers, the Other tells Jin they should kill her before she kills them! And Jin, who still remembers the cute and cuddly Claire from Season 1 with her floppy hat and diary and peanut butter and whatnot, is kind of torn about the whole thing, as are we!
And then Kate almost shot Jack in the jungle!
“DON’T SHOOT DON’T SHOOT! It’s just me, your ex-lover! LOL KATE OMG YOU ALMOST JUST SHOT ME!”
“LOL OMG JAAAACK CAN YOU BELIEVE I ALMOST JUST SHOT YOU? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HILAAARIOUS!“
So Jack invites Kate to come along on their secret mission, and she declines, saying she’s off to find Claire (I’m guessing that cuddly one Jin was remembering and not the new loco version)!
This was a good thing, considering as per Jacob’s directions this was an A and B mission, so she’d better C her way out of it!
And surprise! Kate and Jack have a tearful goodbye! Because they’ve never done that before!
“…and if you throw a party, invited everyone you ever knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say…”
“Thank you for being a friend.”
*sighs* “Um, Blanche? Dorothy? Can we move this along? We’ve got crazies to find and mirrors to break.”
And then Jack went and visited his mom, whose face is so frakked up by plastic surgery that she’s almost as scary as that skull baby thing Claire made!
And since a Shephard family scene needs to have more alcoholics in it than an episode of Mad Men, she offers Jack a drink!
Jack’s Mom: Would you like a drink?
Jack: No thanks.
Jack’s Mom: Good for you!
Audience: WHAT IS HAPPENING? DOES HE NOT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM, OR DOES HE HAVE ONE AND HIS MOM JUST OFFERED HIM A DRINK ANYWAY?
Through their pleasant little conversation, we find out that – shocker! – Jack’s son isn’t very good at communicating! I wonder where he got that from!
Jack’s Mom: It’s amazing that in a family full of men that wear their hearts on their sleeves and their man tears on their cheeks that you are all so bad at actually saying how you feel! It makes no sense!
Jack: We are a bunch of whiney heineys, aren’t we?
Jack’s Mom: *grunts*
Jack: What’s the matter, mom?
Jack’s Mom: I’m trying to smile warmly at you, but I haven’t been able to move my face since the Clinton Administration.
So anyway his mom basically tells him that maybe his kid is just as scared of him as Jack was of his dad when he was a tween, which makes Jack cry, which surprised exactly None audience members.
“Pretend I’m making a shocked face right now – did Father ever mention a Claire Littleton?”
Back in the jungle, Claire’s sharpening her ax and boiling some needles and chanting Kill the pig, cut her throat, spill her blood to herself over and over and we are frankly kind of scared for Jin and this Other Other guy.
And while we get some really unfortunately close-ups of Claire stitching Jin’s wound up, she’s telling him how the Others stole her bay-bee, and that she knows because her dad and her friend told her! Then she mumbled something about going to fondle some sweaters and threatened the Other guy some more! With an ax!
And then Hurley and Jack find their way to the old Rape Caves, all the while talking about why Jate is not fate, and in another startling moment of self-awareness, Jack admits that his parenting skillz would probably be…lacking.
And then Hurley finds Adam and Eve again! Which is awesome!
Hurley: Do you think maybe we time traveled again, but back to dinosaur times and died and this is like, us?
Jack: No way.
Hurley: How can you be so sure?
Jack: Because this show’s title is missing “The Land of the” before the “Lost” part.
Jack: Also, I have no imagination.
And Jack found his dad’s empty coffin again, and told Hurley about the day he found the caves, when he was chasing after the ghost of his dead father. (Although how exactly could you chase the ghost of your alive father? I digress.)
“…so I saw him in his suit and everything, and it was SUPER creepy, and I chased him all the way to the caves, and found the coffin, but it was empty, so I smashed it to shit.”
“Because that’s what I do when I get upset. Smash shit. All to bits. Remember that.”
In the Sideways World, Jack goes back to his place and finds David is missing! He drives over to the mother’s house (WHO IS THE MOM??? AGHHH!!!) and checks to see if he is in his room!
Then we understood why David could give a shit about the Red Sox – he’s a Dodgers fan! He may not know a lot about his son, but maybe Jack’s mom was right about David not hating Jack – after all he’s got these adorable photo booth pictures hanging up, right?
And thankfully David is the absolute last kid in the world to have an actual answering machine, and Jack listens to his messages and finds out that he’s not missing at all! Mystery solved!
It is David in the Conservatory with the piano!
And then in the most meta moment ever, Jack manages to make himself cry by hearing HIS OWN VOICE ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE. LOLOL. WOW.
Then Hurley tells Jack the reason he came back to the island was because Jacob hopped in a cab with him in LA and told him to come. Easy peasy.
“But why did you come back, Jack?”
And then instead of giving Hurley the whole “I wanted to get a do-over with Kate” speech that he gave Sawyer in the finale last year, he tells him something a tad more acceptable. He was broken, and he was stupid enough to think the island would fix him.
And of course he cried some more, because he is Jack, and that is what Jack does.
Over and over and over again.
But Hurley was like, “Turn that frown upside down, dude! We’re here!”
Lost Writers: Look! A lighthouse!
Audience: LOL episode title.
Jack: How have we never seen this before?
Audience: Ummm well, how did you not know there was an entire TOWN on the island, or a giant foot, or like 8 hatches, or a whole extra island, or I don’t know, a giant honkin’ temple, or…
Jack: Alright, alright I get it.
And now back to Claire freaking out about how the Others captured/tortured/branded/injected her! She can’t really let bygones be bygones, so she picks up her ax, ready to go all Kathy Bates in Misery on this guy because they HAVE HER BAY-BEE, when Jin interrupts!
“IT’S KATE! KATE HAS AARON! SHE’S BEEN RAISING HIM FOR 3 YEARS!” and that seems to grabs Claire’s attention, and the Other guy is taking this opportunity to beg for his life, and he’s promising that he’ll never tell anyone that he saw her, and we’re like “PHEW THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE, DUDE!”
But then secretly we’re like, “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Claire just went and….”
AND THEN CLAIRE GOES AND PLANTS AN AX IN HIS GUT ANYWAY!!! BECAUSE SHE IS A CRAZY LADY NOW, AND THAT IS WHAT CRAZY LADIES DO!
Claire takes being a jungle wench to a whole new level!! Danielle was always nuts, but at least she wasn’t a raging bitch on top of it, amiright??
So now Jack is going to see what is going on at this conservatory David ran off to, and on the way in he passes a sign that says – YOU GUESSED IT! “Welcome All Candidates!”
Oh Lost, never change.
And he runs into the auditorium and it turns out David is rocking Chopin’s “Fantasie Impromptu” like a mofo!! And as a kid who took a decade of piano lessons let me tell you guys, that shit is hard to play!
(Sidenote: Could a Sideways Daniel Faraday, who also played Chopin as a kid, be David’s teacher or something? Who knows!)
So ANYWAY, this of course makes Jack cry harder than he has all episode! Proud Daddy Chopin Jears! FTFW!
And as it turns out, Sideways Dogen has a Sideways son that thinks David Shephard is the bee’s knees!
Dogen: Your son is quite good, how long has he been playing?
Dogen: Srsly, you don’t know?
Dogen: You know, your kid being able to play that song at this age is like being able to do that solo from “Eruption” when you’re 13.
Jack: He comes from a long line of surgeons. Nimble fingers run in the family. lulz.
And Jack and Hurley make their way up to the top of the lighthouse, and there’s this
Mirror of Erised giant mirror thing up there! And it’s on top of a wheel!
FULL OF PEOPLE’S NAMES!!!!! AND THEY ALL HAVE NUMBERS ASSIGNED TO THEM!!!!!!! A’SELFK’A;LSDKF’L;DSKFL;SD
And when Hurley starts turning the dial to 108 like Jacob told him to, Jack starts to see all this stuff in the mirror that’s TOTALLY NOT KOSHER. It’s like people’s houses and stuff!!!
And he finds his OWN name on the dial, and he turns the mirror to that number, and OMG IT’S JACK’S PARENTS’ HOUSE!!! AND THAT MAKES JACK V. ANGRY!!
“Jacob’s been watching us THE WHOLE TIME!? HURLEY, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT I SAID EARLIER ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET UPSET!? DO YOU!?“
But before Hurley could say “Cry and smash things” Jack was crying and smashing the mirror into a million little pieces! BECAUSE GOD FORBID ANY OF US WOULD WANT TO SEE ANYTHING ELSE IN THE MIRROR, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!! A;LKSDFA;’KLDFSAL;
AND THEN THE JEARS ARE FLYING FAST AND FURIOUS!!! AND HE’S SCREAMING AT HURLEY ABOUT WHY JACOB WAS WATCHING THEM ALL THIS TIME, LIKE HURLEY WOULD ACTUALLY KNOW THE ANSWER OR SOMETHING!
“SO YEAH, I BROKE IT. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!!!”
AND WE’RE LIKE, “WOW JACK, IT IS GOING TO TAKE A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT TO REDEEM YOURSELF THIS TIME, DICK.”
WARNING: What I am about to say may shock you, gentle readers. Pigs must be flying, and hell must have just frozen over because if I’m being honest here…I actually liked Jack. FOR ONE WHOLE SCENE. :O
Jack: You are like, amazing, dude.
David: Thanks, I like to play.
David tells Jack that he never told him about his piano playing because he didn’t want to disappoint him, and Jack tells him that he can never be a failure in his eyes because he luffs him and all that stuff!
YOU GUYS, IT WAS LIKE THE ANTI-DADDY ISSUES SPEECH. IT WAS…DARE I SAY IT…PERFECT.
BRAVO, DARLTON. BRAVO. Three snaps around the world!
“May the Jears be with you.” *sniffs*
“And also with you.” *sniffs*
“Now let’s go home, son. I have a 4 hour-old pizza with your name on it.”
Luckily, after that 30-second spell of momentary insanity, I was brought right back to earth when I remembered Jack had just selfishly smashed the magical mirror, and was now stewing in his own bitter juices.
Jacob: Sorry I’m late, I had a thing.
Hurley: Yeah well I hope it was important because Bam Bam over there smashed your mirror to smithereens. So whoever #108 is ain’t coming any time soon. Who was it anyway?
Jacob: Number 108? That would be…Wallace.
Hurley: Whatchoo talkin’ bout, “Wallace?”
Jacob: Don’t worry about it.
As it turns out, Mr. Master of Puppets knew EXACTLY what he was doing the entire time! He knew that Jack would smash the mirrors, but that wasn’t the point! He says that sometimes all you have to do is hop in someone’s cab and tell them to do something and they do it, but other people have to cry 58 times in 42 minutes and occasionally break some shit to get it through their heads.
“To get what through our heads, man?”
Jacob: That you are each my very special snowflakes, my Chosen Ones, and that pretty soon I’m going to be calling on you guys to be all you can be in Jacob’s Army of Champions.
Hurley: Army? Who are we fighting?
Jacob: A smokey little bitch I know who has it coming to him.
And finally Claire asks Jin why he said that thing about Kate raising Aaron, and Jin says he was lying, and that they have Aaron at the temple, and we’re all kind of like “Um Jin darling WTF are you doing??” but before we can figure that out they get a little visitor!
Claire: Why’d you say that thing about Kate raising Aaron?
Jin: Oh uhhh that was just a lie. Totally lying about that.
Claire: Good. Because if that was the truth, I would kill Kate.
Jin: Well ha, good thing that was a complete fabrication…
Claire: I’d stab her, and then chop her up into little bits, and then I’d feed some of her to the polar bears, and some of her to the creature living on my head, and then I’d crush her bones into a paste and brush my teeth with it every day, and then I’d…
“Hi there my little Claire Bear!”
And Jin’s like, “John??” but Claire’s like, “No silly willy, that’s not John, that’s my BFF Smokey in a meat suit! Hee hee!” *crazy eyes*
WHO is Jack’s Baby Mamma?
WHAT was the deal with that mirror?
WHEN will Jack stop crying?
Find out! On next week’s LOST!